Am I a control freak or a newlywed? Torn over new husband's long distance job.

[lnichols]

I am newly married after having only known my man for a few months. He is working in another state and comes home on the weekends, which was fine when we were dating. It was kinda exciting. We have only been married about a month and it is getting old. He's 2 and a half hours away, we talk on the phone at least once a day and text each other all the time. He has been talking about moving his business to where our home is located. I want him to do that, and I think I have been pressuring him somewhat. He lives with his family while he is working, and I think his father has a lot of influence over him. Dad wants him to stay. Husband wants to move but is torn. In the meanwhile, I am stuck in the middle, wanting my husband back but not wanting to interfere with the dad relationship.

 

I know he isn't fooling around up there. We love each other madly and this is one of the few things we just butt heads over. His dad thought we should not have married, and has said as much. Am I being selfish or is my father-in-law? My poor husband is stuck in the middle. He's untimately going to do what is best for us, I know. Dad just keeps slowing down the process.

 

I don't want to fight or feel like a control freak. I am the wife, but I'm so new on the scene I don't really feel like my opinions matter. I want happiness and success for my husband's business, but I also want my husband back! He says that I was fully aware of t he situation when we met and that he doesn't understand why all of the sudden I want him here. I don't fully understand either. It is just different now. Am I being a control freak or is this a normal newlywed thing?

[kirkyswife]

May I ask why you haven't relocated? Is there some particular reason why you have to be 2-1/2hours away from one one another? And not that this is the most ideal situation but why hasn't your in-laws opened their home to you and your husband?

 

Sounds to me like your husband is the ONLY person who can rectify this situation - he can't allow his father to control his life and he has a responsibility to you - his family - now that you two are married.

 

On the other hand, if this was an issue prior to the marriage and you married without resolving this issue then you have to go with the flow.

 

just my thoughts but I wish you happiness regardless. Marriage is work and sounds to me like you two have yours cut out for you.

[lnichols]

I don't want to live in Oklahoma! (Can you blame me?) The biggest reason, however, is my son. He is almost 17, is popular, involved in many activities and loves his school. I told my husband that when my son finished school I would move if we were still in this situation. My husband has always been aware of my feelings toward this issue. I also have had the same job here for almost 8 years. I like my job and don't want to start looking again in another state. And as stressful as it is living apart, living in the same house with his dad would be deadly. Communal living is not for me. I've been up there and there were 4 adults trying to use 1 bathroom. Privacy is just not a thing for those folks! My husband hates living there, too. He hates waiting on the bathroom, getting in the middle of family squabbles... He's just doing what he can right now. We could buy a house easily up there, but we already own a very nice home in Texas!

 

I know that marriage is work and the best thing I can do right now is to stay out of my husband's family dynamic up there as much as possible. I really wonder, though, if my husand is being influenced up there while I am down here. He says I worry too much and he really wants to be down here with us in our home. I just can't see why he doesn't just do it instead of talking about it.

[mintjulep]

May I ask why you got married so quickly? It seems these problems should have been resolved before you tied the knot. For instance, if you'd been dating for a few years, you probably would have established yourself enough not to feel the need to walk on eggshells around his family.

 

The fact is that he is married to you now. You are his wife. You just need to remember that when you assert yourself and tell him to relocate. If he thinks you're being unreasonable then he needs to talk to you about it - without using his father as an argument. They key to most relationships is communication, and if you can't communicate with him about anything (including his family), then you need to find a way to do that.

[lnichols]

The thing about it is that I went into this marriage thinking that he would not relocate and I was okay with it. He was the one who called and said that he was tired of living up there with all the bull, that his customer base is in Texas anyway, and that he was going to move the business home. Then his dad talked him out of it for a time, which upset me, but I kept it to a minimum. He keeps talking about moving, and the more he does, the more I think about how nice that would be. I just want him to do it!

[lnichols]

The thing about it is that I went into this marriage thinking that he would not relocate and I was okay with it. He was the one who called and said that he was tired of living up there with all the bull, that his customer base is in Texas anyway, and that he was going to move the business home. Then his dad talked him out of it for a time, which upset me, but I kept it to a minimum. He keeps talking about moving, and the more he does, the more I think about how nice that would be. I just want him to do it before his dad can influence him into staying longer.

 

And we got married so quickly because we are madly in love. Any other time, I would have said that people who get married that quickly are insane, but we did it anyway. We have so much in common, we get along so well and we are best friends. This is a thing that we will overcome. I just came along at a transitional period. I don't want to start any unnecessary conflict because I am impatient by nature. I don't like to him and haw. Just the thought of having him back is so great. I want it now!

[HokeyReligions]

Sounds like you need to talk about it with him and set some definite goals and boundaries.

 

He was going to move the business to N. Texas. When? Set a date and stick to it. Make whatever preparations are necessary to make it happen on that date. If the date passes by and he still doesn't move, then close the door on him until he can make the commitment to you that he promised he would.

 

It's tough being in between parents and spouse. My mom lives with us & as hard as I try to keep things equal, sometimes one them has to come first, which means the other comes second.

 

I finally had to put my foot down because by trying to do right by everyone, I was hurting everyone--me most of all. I told my mom that she would have to come second. I was sorry, but I chose my husband and made a commitment to him and his needs and wants had to come first. Mom cried and it took a while, but we got things on an even keel. It may be hard for your husband to tell his father that he is going to stick to the decision he made and live with you, but things will work themselves out. You might want to ask for an annulment and continue dating until he decides what he wants to do, or you get so sick of the situation that you decide to change it permanently. Just tell him that you obviously rushed the marriage. That should shake him up, but be prepared to back it up. It doesn't mean it's all over - it just means you corrected your course for a safer and happier trip together.

[lnichols]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I don't want to make those kinds of demands on him! All I want is for someone who has been in a similar situation to give me a clue. I love him! He is my husband,and we have made a lifelog committment. If I wanted something I could just throw away, we would have just lived together. You have to work on marriage! I need a starting point. Help someone!

[lnichols]

So far so good. He said this weekend that he was going to start moving operations down this way starting this week. I asked him if his dad is aware of these proceedings and he claims to have told him. We'll see what happens once he spends a few days up there and his dad tries to talk him out of it. He's already started in subtle ways, like "finding" him clients, materials, etc... I think his dad will do everything he can to get him to stay without actually coming out and telling him that that's what he wants. Hopefully, though, my husband will be able to stand up to him. I tried to make it as pleasant as I could this weekend. It has to be better staying close to your new wife than living with your dad in another state! Right?