bwagner Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Hello, This is my first time writing but I really need some outside opinoins. I really don't know what to do. My boyfriend (28) and I (25) have been dating for 7 years in June and still no engagment. We have broken up a couple times but for no more then a couple weeks at a time. There has always been excuses for why we havent gotten engaged, and it is bugging me. At first it was once I get a job, then once I get a full time job, then once we live together. We looked at houses and he JUST purchased one and I said that I didnt want to move in unless we were engaged. This process has gone pretty fast, but still he knew how I felt even before we were house hunting. It is a couple weeks tills closing and I asked him what was going on and he said that he isnt ready. REALLY, after 7 years?!?!?! I asked him why he didnt tell me sooner he wasnt going to, and he said well I thought that you would move in even if we werent. And now he says that he cant get married until we live together. We basically live together now because he lives with his grandma but she is gone half the year because she has another house in cali during the winter and I stay here the whole time, so it is not like we dont know every single thing about eachother!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He says he just isnt sure...he would be devistated if we broke up but he isnt 100% about our future. I just dont know what to do. He has been my life for the past 7 years, we have been through EVERYTHING together. I love him very much, and I see us getting married. He is such a sweet guy and we have fun together I just feel like there is always going to be an excuse and that he is always going to be unsure. I'm to the point where Im like why should I do that if we arent engaged because it has taken so long. He def is bad at making decisions, always second guessing every decision that he makes....but I feel like I should be the easiest one if he really wanted me. It is hard to wait for something that might never happen or constantly wonder what might of been
wwwjd Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Slap him, and tell him to $#!t or get off the pot. You've probably already been married technically for 5 years now. You can't live DANGLING on a potentially breaking thread. That is not fair of him. You've grow together now so breaking up with be unbareably hard. But tell him you want a true commitment or you need to leave. Why stay feeling HALF WANTED? That is only bad for you. Between YES, NO and MAYBE, only MAYBE accomplishes nothing. Ask him for a yes or no and be prepared for a real no if it happens. 1
FitChick Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 I think you have grown up and grown apart. I'd end it. Either he will miss you and ask you to return or he will start screwing anything that moves. You both need to date other people since you were so young when you met. Better to get it out of your system than to get married, have kids and regret not sowing your wild oats and divorcing. 1
Radu Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Hello, This is my first time writing but I really need some outside opinoins. I really don't know what to do. My boyfriend (28) and I (25) have been dating for 7 years in June and still no engagment. We have broken up a couple times but for no more then a couple weeks at a time. There has always been excuses for why we havent gotten engaged, and it is bugging me. At first it was once I get a job, then once I get a full time job, then once we live together. We looked at houses and he JUST purchased one and I said that I didnt want to move in unless we were engaged. This process has gone pretty fast, but still he knew how I felt even before we were house hunting. It is a couple weeks tills closing and I asked him what was going on and he said that he isnt ready. REALLY, after 7 years?!?!?! I asked him why he didnt tell me sooner he wasnt going to, and he said well I thought that you would move in even if we werent. And now he says that he cant get married until we live together. We basically live together now because he lives with his grandma but she is gone half the year because she has another house in cali during the winter and I stay here the whole time, so it is not like we dont know every single thing about eachother!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He says he just isnt sure...he would be devistated if we broke up but he isnt 100% about our future. I just dont know what to do. He has been my life for the past 7 years, we have been through EVERYTHING together. I love him very much, and I see us getting married. He is such a sweet guy and we have fun together I just feel like there is always going to be an excuse and that he is always going to be unsure. I'm to the point where Im like why should I do that if we arent engaged because it has taken so long. He def is bad at making decisions, always second guessing every decision that he makes....but I feel like I should be the easiest one if he really wanted me. It is hard to wait for something that might never happen or constantly wonder what might of been You might have to end it. Probability of marriage is at it's peak at 3yrs together, falls down like a rock after 5yrs and he sounds comfortable. I'd go further and ask why does he feel comfortable, but suffice to say that these 'goals' he sets for your will never completely dissapear and you will always be in the position where you are trying desperately to accomplish something for your relationship's life. What's worse is that i suspect when such a 'goal' comes and goes you feel like **** afterwards.
kaylan Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 ^I only agree with those year marks you came up with for people who started dating in their late 20s and older. For younger folks, theyll date longer before being ready for marriage because they arent at the settling down age yet. Most people usually try and marry once 30 starts looming. I think its still very possible for OP and her bf to get married. Shes only 25, hes only 28...and theyve been dating since they were college kids. So it makes sense they arent married yet. 30 is almost here, but they arent quite there yet. So theyve been together since they were 18 and 21...you really think couples at that age want to be married 3 or 5 years later? I think OP should have an open and honest talk with her bf, and see if things are leading to marriage...if they arent...she can bail and find a different dude. Shes still young. 25 is plenty of time. 1
Oxy Moronovich Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Marriage isn't the ultimate committment. Staying married is the ultimate committment. Since divorce is so rampant, few married couples engage in the ultimate committment. Women say, "If he loves me, he'll marry me." But then women are the ones who initiate divorce far more. Looks like a man's love isn't good enough for her to stay committed. 2
Radu Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 kaylan, you are not getting the whole point. Read again what i wrote about these 'goals'. They are just plain excuses but by the nature they are presented they are highly manipulative ... 'if only you can do this we can do this'. They never end and with time they erode your self-esteem. Writing a dissertation about how that general rule might or might not apply to the poster (you don't know her level of maturity for her age), and starting a debate about the state of the modern marriage will accomplish nothing, as this is not the point of the OP's post. Just because she's a female doesn't mean you should be projecting the nasty stuff her gender is known for (and that she might not be guilty of).
wow04 Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 What are your reasons for wanting to get married so bad? Some people think if nothing is wrong why change it? Sitting down and having an honest talk would be wonderful. Both of you can state why you want to get married and why he doesn't. Communication is key here.
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 It is hard to wait for something that might never happen or constantly wonder what might of been What do you mean what could have been? you're living it now! What is supposed to magically happen? The fact of the matter is this guy is scared of commitment and he doesn't want to marry you because he knows deep down inside that he doesn't want to be with you for the rest of your life. You've been the glue that held this relationship together, not him..you're the only that sees all these wedding bells and magical life together, but this is a two person show, what don't you get about that? What about what he wants? What about how he feels? or are your feelings and dreams the only thing important in this relationship because like every other woman out there you want to be married and all that. That's a dime-a-dozen for men, men aren't going to just marry you for those reasons. Men don't have to worry about finding a woman that doesn't want a commitment, there is no sense of urgency on his part. He's sticking with you and staying with because of the time you've been together, which is quite sad when people prolong relationships that should last then throw it the guys face "hey look, we've been together this long and through so much, now you definitely can't leave me! how could you!" so said man mopes around and feels guilty and stays in a relationships he's emotionally half-invested in and you both don't get what you want, how is that for romance? You guys were very young when you got together, which means for a man he experienced very little, and definitely thinks that grass may be greener on the side of another womans vagina. So you need to help him understand what he's willing to sacrifice and break-up because your expectations aren't being met, unless you feel like being single in your mid 30s when he finally does pull the trigger... and look If he really wants to be with you then he'd come back around (although he may just come out of habit of being "used to you") and he's also got zero dating experience and much less skill than say a guy like me who's been in several long-term relationships as well as dated...most guys in his position will get their ego's destroyed in the dating world, IT will likely be a humbling experience for him because he won't have as many opportunities as he thought he would (unless he's very good looking and happens to have his whole dating package together by chance). Ultimately you've got to ask yourself If you want to keep swinging from this guys nutz or move on to something with more of a long-term potential, chances are unless you pressure him or make him come running back he's eventually going to drop you for an upgrade or at least something different. I've seen a lot of guys like this in his position buckle under the pressure and end up extremely unhappy and guess what? you end up extremely unhappy and unsatisfied too then you HAVE TO stay together for the kids, so you walk the earth with a chip on your shoulder hating each other while fighting over your share of responsibilities like who picks up the kids and who cleans this or that and pays this and that, it turns into a feud and very dysfunctional relationship when you force these kinds of things on men (which you are clearly pressing for). I know all of this is not going to change your mind, I mean you've held onto his leg trying to create bonds between the both of you as much as you could so that you should say you're meant to be together forever and all that...but the way things are, pretty much indicate you've hit a wall in the relationship. And unless you give him something to think about by going your own way for a while, he's either going to move on or come back to you. Let's just hope he doesn't come back to you because he couldn't find a replacement and gave up. 3
xpaperxcutx Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Age and maturity level at said age doesn't play into the situation. There are people who get married at 19 and start families by the time they're 30. The OP may be young but her age sage shounot be factor into this. Oneneeds to look at the relationship and whether the relationship has been healthy and beneficial to the OP. Somone said tghe boyfriend has been manipulative and I couldn't agree more. The boyfriend is using his own reasonings to prolong a relationship where the dynamics are unequal. It just sounds like heprefers the current status quo.there is no compromise at least not in twrms of marriage. If a guy really loves you a ring and marriage paper are the least of his worries. People have eloped and gotten hitched on far less. The problem is he has commitment issues in regards to taking the next steop. Address that problem and you'll have an answer. Most often its because you're not the one. 2
zengirl Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 He keeps moving the mark. That, to me, suggests he never intends to marry you. If you want marriage, you may need to find a different man. I'd go with FitChick's advice above. 1
manup Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Hello, This is my first time writing but I really need some outside opinoins. I really don't know what to do. My boyfriend (28) and I (25) have been dating for 7 years in June and still no engagment. We have broken up a couple times but for no more then a couple weeks at a time. There has always been excuses for why we havent gotten engaged, and it is bugging me. At first it was once I get a job, then once I get a full time job, then once we live together. We looked at houses and he JUST purchased one and I said that I didnt want to move in unless we were engaged. This process has gone pretty fast, but still he knew how I felt even before we were house hunting. It is a couple weeks tills closing and I asked him what was going on and he said that he isnt ready. REALLY, after 7 years?!?!?! I asked him why he didnt tell me sooner he wasnt going to, and he said well I thought that you would move in even if we werent. And now he says that he cant get married until we live together. We basically live together now because he lives with his grandma but she is gone half the year because she has another house in cali during the winter and I stay here the whole time, so it is not like we dont know every single thing about eachother!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He says he just isnt sure...he would be devistated if we broke up but he isnt 100% about our future. I just dont know what to do. He has been my life for the past 7 years, we have been through EVERYTHING together. I love him very much, and I see us getting married. He is such a sweet guy and we have fun together I just feel like there is always going to be an excuse and that he is always going to be unsure. I'm to the point where Im like why should I do that if we arent engaged because it has taken so long. He def is bad at making decisions, always second guessing every decision that he makes....but I feel like I should be the easiest one if he really wanted me. It is hard to wait for something that might never happen or constantly wonder what might of been marriage is crap with no fault divorce and female favored custody, if you supposedly love him just ask for a ring and ceremony with no legal contract
setsenia Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 What are your reasons for wanting to get married so bad? Some people think if nothing is wrong why change it? Sitting down and having an honest talk would be wonderful. Both of you can state why you want to get married and why he doesn't. Communication is key here. I've seen this quote time and time again and I've never understood it. It's not about fixing anything, it's about being on the same page. For whatever reasons people value marriage, emotional or financial security, religious beliefs etc, some people can't imagine themselves not married. By 28, you should have a good idea of whether or not you want to get married, if at all. They've been together several years. He should have an idea if marriage is on his to-do list at some point. If it's not, she'll have to take it or leave it. I know I'm a rare exception, but I got married at 19 and even if I did wait, my H and I agreed that neither of us would wait longer than 5 years for marriage. No matter what the age.
setsenia Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Age and maturity level at said age doesn't play into the situation. There are people who get married at 19 and start families by the time they're 30. The OP may be young but her age sage shounot be factor into this. Oneneeds to look at the relationship and whether the relationship has been healthy and beneficial to the OP. Somone said tghe boyfriend has been manipulative and I couldn't agree more. The boyfriend is using his own reasonings to prolong a relationship where the dynamics are unequal. It just sounds like heprefers the current status quo.there is no compromise at least not in twrms of marriage. Agreed!!! I got married at 19, been married 4 years now and my H and I probably won't have any kids for another 4 years.
veggirl Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 After 7 yrs he blatantly tells you that he is not 100% sure about you and your relationship. I would leave. After that many years, anything other than a firm I'm in 100% means that he is just stringing you along, most likely for the comfort factor. 1
Swenea Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Wow. My heart breaks for you. It may sound "cheesy", but I can feel the pain in your writing. Your story sounds very similar to a co-worker of mine. She has been with her boyfriend since they were in their late teens. They moved to NYC together, lived together for about 6-7 years and yet they weren't married. He was an actor and kept saying when we get our 1st apartment, when I get my first break, etc. ect. They are still together, but whenever anybody asks when she's getting married, she says, "We're not sure yet." Her face changes just a little bit. And I know this question pains her because she DOES want to get married and she REALLY loves him. She's a sweetheart of a girl and he's a pretty cool guy. I see her face when I read your story. Advice: This is tough because it's easy for others to say "Just dump him." But there has been a lot of time and emotions invested here. From what I read in your post he doesn't seem to be a complete jerk. He just seems to be halted by something. I'm not sure what it is. I have heard from men that I know that a lot of times certain things do have to be in place before a guy settles down: stable employment, owning a house, paying off college loans. According to the way society has ordained it, as a man he will have to consider these things if he is to build a life with you (which may include kids). How is he going to provide if he's living in grandma's house? These issues are not taken lightly with any man that is actively trying to better himself and his situation. As the woman in his life that loves him, you have the power to find out how best to support and encourage him. You are have been gifted with softness, femininity and compassion and your words and actions can be his wings or his anchor. This website shed a few lights on my relationship with my boyfriend. It may be a long presentation, but if you hear it through you might find a few gems you could take away. I wish the very best of luck. Take care honey. Whatever happens I believe you will make it out okay.
PeineDeCoeur Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 I know it's hard because you're so invested in this relationship... BUT You are young, and this is your first long-term relationship. If he's not totally in right now, at this stage, it doesn't set a very good precedent for a future together. Do yourself a favour, as difficult as it might be, and take a break from each other for a few months. Maybe that will help each of you decide what it is you really want. Speaking from experience - if I had to do it again - I wouldn't "drift" into marriage. ie - live together, then get married because it's the logical next step in the progression of a relationship. You don't want to be the main driver in this relationship - trust me. If he is not in 100% with you now, as life's challenges (mortgage payments, cars, kids, aging parents) start to hit you, things will get harder and harder for you.
pteromom Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 I would give him one last ultimatum - "we need to set a date, or I have to move on to find someone who wants the same thing I want. You've known me for seven years, so you should know whether you want to spend your life with me or not." If he still "isn't ready", you need to break up with him. One of two things will happen when you do. - he'll realize what he had and be running back to you begging you to marry him or - he'll start acting crazy and single and dating lots of people. No matter which path he takes, you made the right choice. Because if he relishes his new-found bachelorhood that much, then that was what he was wanting anyway, and he would have not made a good husband for you. Time to stand up and tell him what you want.
RiverRunning Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 To some extent I agree with Kaylan, but it's also important to remember that different areas of the country have different average ages at first marriage. In bigger cities, it's not surprising that women and men get married more often for the first time in their 30s. In the suburbs or rural areas, getting married in your mid to late 20s isn't uncommon. In the U.S., the average age at first marriage is roughly 26.5 for women and 28.7 for men - and I don't think that's so much an issue of, "We're not sure if we're right for each other" that's pushing the age at first marriage back. I think it's mostly the current economic situation. Until 2009, the average ages at first marriage were 28 for men and 25 for women. I think it's entirely feasible that at 25 and 28, as this couple is, it's time to start getting serious or get off the pot. OP, if you DO agree to move in with him for this trial period - after grilling him and making sure there aren't any other 'secret' conditions - set a time period for yourself to GTFO. I'd say 6 months but certainly no longer than a YEAR to make progress. Keep that date in mind. Do not tell him about it. When that date passes, and if he hasn't proposed, you leave permanently. He's 28. He's old enough now that if he isn't ready to commit yet, he's probably never going to be, especially after 7 years together. Even if he suddenly comes around after the break-up, be wary. It could still be a 'shut-up' ring. If you do accept a proposal and you haven't settled on a date for the wedding within a month or two, he's not going to marry you. I think you've invested enough time on him - which I can understand can be hard. You've been with him since you were 18. But don't you deserve to spend your years on someone who wants the same things that you want? He's jerking you around and he's too much of a coward to admit it.
thatone Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 (edited) from a man's perspective, who is 35 and never been married (nor wanted to), i don't see a lot of likelihood of this turning out well, but on the other hand i don't think he's some evil heartless bastard either. this was my thought process, whether it applies to your bf or not i have no idea, but here it is... just as women grow up with the idea of marriage and kids, men grow up with the idea of wealth and prosperity and exciting careers and all that sort of thing. this guy is moving out of his grandmother's house at 28? well it's beginning to hit home that his childhood dreams aren't going to happen. note that this has nothing to do with his relationship status, so don't get bent out of shape over it, it has nothing to do with you. couple that with the pressure to tie himself down further into a life he may not be sure he wants (marriage, kids, etc.), not really a good spot to be in. further pressure during this point in my life would make me more distant, not less. i still have little spurts of this mentality at 35, to be honest, even though i'm happy with my current gf i don't 'look forward' to marriage, and never want children, her and i have already discussed that. even though i'm not going to be the world travelling millionaire playboy (much..), i'm not going to write that life off for a house and screaming babies in the suburbs either. it has nothing to do with my gf, that's just how i am, and i decided to be that way when i was about your bf's age. she says she's content to give up on more children and wants to be more outgoing and less 'domestic', so that's where it's at right now. we'll see. either way pressuring him about why he isn't marrying you is a bad idea. he won't respond well to it. asking him about what he wants to do with his life from here on out will get you better answers to better judge his state of mind and where/what he wants. if you help him make up his mind about what he wants and point out that you can help him get there, assuming they are the same thing, then you'll make more progress that way. if you get mad about him not giving you what you want when he doesn't even know what he wants, he's going to recede further away from you. if it turns out that you two do not want the same things, then you'll just have to part ways. but being mad about not being married is NOT the way to go about all of this. Edited April 13, 2012 by thatone
Feelsgoodman Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Maybe he just doesn't want to get married. Not just to you but in general. Marriage nowadays has very few benefits and a ton of potential downsides, especially from the man's standpoint. It's a risk hardly worth taking.
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