don diego 78 Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 (edited) Been a long time since I posted. The history can be found in this thread if you care to read a bit: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/267240-what-woman-bi-polar-maybe I'd rather focus on the present. So my ex fiance/5 year old son's mother and I split for good in December of 2009. Since then it has been a roller coaster of mixed signals, no contact (or as little as possible with a son), false hope etc. For the good of my son and I, sometime in the middle of 2011 I had resolved that I was not going to pursue this anymore. It just wasn't worth it for a woman who had lied so much, and had skipped out on the effort to fix our relationship in order to turn an emotional affair with an ex into a physical thing in my absence. On and off there's still been flirting here and there, friendliness, changes of heart, but I've stood my ground. Recently, I blocked her from calling me because she kept accidentally "butt dialing" me while out on a date." Unfortunately I've had little luck with dating (no interest either from me, or from the women) and have had no sexual encounters in all this time. I'd be lying a bit if I didn't say I haven't been lonely. She on the other hand is back to being her social butterfly self. 3 weeks ago our son was ill and I ended up at her apartment which I had long ago stopped stepping into. Things seemed really nice and we were nostalgiac. The next day I let her know how I felt, and she agreed. Later in the week she invited me over to eat dinner and discuss taxes. At dinner she said something to the effect of "We should all just get a 3BR in ______." I told her to stop acting crazy as my stance has been somewhat cautious, especially regarding jumping back in. Later in the kitchen I patted her ass on the way by and she said "You're not serious," so I walked back and gave her a passionate kiss. It was great but unfortunately our son witnessed it and began with the "You guys are in looove." Breaks my heart because I don't want him confused. We ended up having an argument over the taxes...well, more like her yelling at me (one of the reasons she left is because I used to lose my cool in front of our son, I've since done a lot of work to check my temper, she obviously has not). I left rather than deal with that and our son was crying. It killed me. The next day we exchanged a couple of emails and it was all water under the bridge. So much so that she reached out to me to befriend me on facebook. I accepted. The next day I asked her on a date and she said yes. I bought some surprise tickets to a concert by an artist she loves, whose songs used to permeate our house, and told her I'd be sending her a visual clue a week as to what we were doing. She seemed into it and we were both flirtacious but I kept my cool all along. I've just been winging it really. Part of me was being super careful because in the past, seeming too needy has only pushed her away. Yesterday when I dropped off our son for example, I didn't walk all the way up and just waved from the courtyard. Today, I did it differently and reached out for a hug. She seemed kind of cold and distant and I sensed it so I said something. She said she just doesn't want to lead me on. My heart kinda sank but I kept the cool exterior up. The exchange went something like me saying things like: "Well then let's cancel the date, Are you waiting for your ex again? I'm trying to set up an environment for us to rebuild us, Yeah, sure I've been dating, I like you, So you just needed me in order to procreate and that's it? Why did you mention the 3 of us getting an apartment together (while doing the coo-coo sign)? I worry about your lies, but I check my baggage at the door when I enter your place etc etc. Notable things she said: "I'm scared, There's too much baggage, I just want to be free (when I imply free to roam), Incompatibilities, (Eye roll and stare to the comment about waiting for her other ex to come around), Why can't we be friends? Lots of parents get along like that. Why are you so extreme all or nothing. I'm about him and that's it (referring to our son, but she also said this before when she was off making the emotional affair physical.) I walked away saying nothing more than "It would've been nice." Am I living in a fantasy? How do I break out of this cycle I'm in with this woman? Any thoughts from people because although I try to maintain the cool, calm, collected position I'm definitely feeling a little low at this point. Was really imagining her face when the surprise hit the night of the date. I was hoping it would be a night of new beginnings. Edited April 13, 2012 by don diego 78
Philosoraptor Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Why do you keep letting yourself get suckered in? It's clear that she is very unsure of a future with you, but doesn't want to let go of that familiarity. You need to set boundaries and not let them get crossed as you are just doing this to yourself. You have the ability to control yourself but you refuse to do so. You want to stop getting suckered in? Put your foot down.
Author don diego 78 Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 Thanks, I know you're right. Easier said than done I suppose. Now I found out she told my son she wishes Daddy had a girlfriend. How someone goes from one extreme to another that fast I have no idea, and that's without my doing anything wrong. Plus, I have to say I'm a little pissed that she continues dragging a 5 year old into the drama.
wilsonx Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 How long after her last relationship before you 2 got together, to me, it sounds like your relationship with her was a rebound, especially if shes still texting the ex. Would explain the "Bi polar" behavior
Author don diego 78 Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 (edited) She had always said it was a little more than a year she had been alone before meeting me. This ex was the prior ex though and I think it was one of those heavy physical relationships that she never really got over. She was a mistress in that situation but had deeper yearnings for the guy is my interpretation. Doubt I was a rebound. We were together for 5 years and had a child. Were engaged etc. It's possible I guess. I think the story was always kind of like "I was the first guy to really treat her right." The bi-polar behavior? Well it's pretty clear isn't it? The extreme shifts? To go from blurting out "We should all move in together" and "You're not serious" (challenging me to further action than grabbing her ass), to "I don't want to lead you on" a week later with no change in behavior from me apart from trying not to smother her and maybe maintaining a safe distance after the plans for a date were finalized. It's all a contradictory. There's plenty of info in the original post but it's kind of lengthy. At this point I'm just trying to figure out if this recent quick shift is a result of fear, confusion, pinings for someone else. Maybe it shouldn't matter. She seems pretty clear and I should be taking the hint. Edited April 14, 2012 by don diego 78
wilsonx Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 (edited) Ouch, she has one that got away. Shes going to be chasing what she had with him forever. It has no reflection on you. You were the "Normal" guy. 99% of this forum will not understand this. Its a great quality to have and be but people like her will chase that one for the rest of their lives. The one that measures up to the one that got away. She loves you and always will. She says the things she does in order to not hurt your feelings. Shes the type of person that will never settle until she finds what she had with the one that got away. That emotional connection Edited April 14, 2012 by wilsonx
Author don diego 78 Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 Not sure that's right. It was primarily a physical connection. I had found some poetry she had written and kept re: the incredible sex etc. (in my mind of course 1000x better than anything we ever had, true or not). She claims when she went to him finally in our time apart it was a rebound with HIM. When they did date, like I said, the guy was cheating on her, had another relationship going on at the same time, and then left her for another girl. Left her pretty damaged and I brought her back to "healthy" over 5 years only to have her thinking of him and texting/calling him on the way out our relationship. The emotional connection was never there with that guy. Was with us. When we started out it was in fact the perfect balance of emotional/physical which is probably why we ended up with a kid. Unless you mean the emotional investment in the physicality of the old relationship. Settling into family life did kind of kill our passion and we were both impatient and ignorant to how a child changes things. We didn't put enough energy into maintaining the spark. Ahhhh well. Thanks for the comments.
wilsonx Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Not sure that's right. It was primarily a physical connection. I had found some poetry she had written and kept re: the incredible sex etc. (in my mind of course 1000x better than anything we ever had, true or not). She claims when she went to him finally in our time apart it was a rebound with HIM. When they did date, like I said, the guy was cheating on her, had another relationship going on at the same time, and then left her for another girl. Left her pretty damaged and I brought her back to "healthy" over 5 years only to have her thinking of him and texting/calling him on the way out our relationship. Like I said in nicer terms above, you were Captain save a hoe, you rescued her, fixed her up and now shes off chasing that connection she had. She was lying to you about what she thought of him, shes never going to tell you that he is better then you.... make sense? Would you stay with her if she did? Would your feelings be hurt? The emotional connection was never there with that guy. Was with us. When we started out it was in fact the perfect balance of emotional/physical which is probably why we ended up with a kid. She settled with you and later realized it after you fixed her up, she would be with you RIGHT NOW if you had that emotional connection that she desired from the past relationship Unless you mean the emotional investment in the physicality of the old relationship. Settling into family life did kind of kill our passion and we were both impatient and ignorant to how a child changes things. We didn't put enough energy into maintaining the spark. Ahhhh well. Thanks for the comments. You still dont understand what Im talking about. Look at what you are doing NOW, YOU ARE CHASING THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY. How many years has it been now, you are doing the same thing she is. Her person shes chasing is not you, its a different guy. The person you are chasing is her. You ------> Her ------> The one that got away They dont connect, so stop chasing and find someone that connects with you
Author don diego 78 Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 Thanks. Yes, I had made this connection on my own once when contemplating an accidental phone call she had made while with a friend, talking about some guy being noncommital. She said it referred to another ex she had seen when we were apart, one I had never heard of, could be she was lying. Bottomline though was she'd rather chase noncommittal men than settle for me and our baggage. She's my noncommittal. Its true. My greatest fear of course which is why I have hesitation of my own and really want counting on anything except the possibility things might end well, is that I'm taking 2nd place here and allowing it. Im pretty sure things didn't pan out the way she imagined they would with that guy and its possible that's why she's considering us again but damn if that doesn't make for bad odds. I'll always have to wonder what she's up to. I really wanted this date to test the waters.
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