waiting4u Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 I’m sorry this is so long, but I’m rather desperate for advice. I’m feeling smothered and trapped and I’m freaking out. I’m in trouble. I’ve allowed this relationship to move super fast. I’ve known my BF for quite a while as an acquaintance and then a friend, but it’s been 6 weeks since the first time we slept together. 6 weeks! That’s not very long. He is a great guy – great personality, kind, empathetic, treats me like a queen, great sense of humor, the sex is great, we have awesome chemistry. But in spite of all this I still have reservations about him. Maybe because I’ve been hurt in the past, idk. I’m just not sure I’m ready to jump into a long-term relationship with him. I’m still sort of feeling him out. I also made a huge mistake and let him meet my kids. He’s having roommate problems and so I’ve been letting him stay over at my house a few times a week. My kids LOVE him. They think he’s completely awesome. I can’t turn back the clock on that and it sucks because now they are involved and I will hurt them if it doesn’t work out with him. There are a few things that bother me about him that I’m still struggling with, and the reservations I have make me sound like a completely superficial witch, but I can’t help it. I’m used to dating really attractive younger guys (granted, they were mostly jerks) who are sort of “hip” etc. This guy is a nerd in a lot of ways – and normally that’s not bad in my book, but his complete lack of style really bothers me., I like to express myself in the way I dress, etc. and always make an effort to look nice, watch my weight, stay in shape etc. This is not him AT ALL. He doesn’t work out, he’s not terribly overweight, but he could be in better shape. I mostly see him in work clothes (dress shirt, ties, etc.) but he tends to wear these awful dress pants that are too big for him. I have literally only seen him out of his work clothes maybe 4 times (other than when he was naked), as we always hang out when he gets off work or at his work (he works in a restaurant / club). These 4 times he had on shorts and a sweatshirt, nothing too terrible. But combine his lack of style with the fact that he is not what I would call handsome conventionally (I find him handsome because I like him), and I’m sort of embarrassed to introduce him to my friends, who are very creative, hip and stylish. I know this sound nuts, but I can’t get past it for some reason. And there’s more – he wants to hang out ALL THE TIME and sometimes it’s hard not to cave in because I enjoy spending time with him. But I need space. I’m not getting my work completed (I set my own deadlines) and I’m tired a lot because he works nights and I work days. I also feel like he’s getting close to moving in or something because he’s over here so much. But I feel sorry for him because his roommate is psycho and he has to live with her for 2 more months, so he feels just miserable at home. And I know her. She really is psycho and might kill his dog while he’s gone or something – she’s seriously scary. Then there’s the financial issue – I’m not sure he is together financially and I don’t want to ask him about it. In addition to the apartment, he claims to own a house in a nearby city (about a 45 minute drive), but he also says it’s a “family home” (like he inherited it or something), and he never pays for anything with credit cards, always cash, so I wonder if his credit is bad. He also drives an older car even though he has a pretty lucrative job (from what I understand). I just can’t get really seriously involved and imagine a future with somebody who has financial problems because I have to support my kids and can’t support a man too. But money is not something you can ask somebody about. What the hell do I do? I’m starting to get really terrified I’m going to get into something that I can’t get out of. And I know it’s my fault – I accept responsibility. But does anyone have ideas as to what I should DO? Are my reservations just stupid? I mean, I can encourage him to work out and dress better, that’s just superficial stuff, right? I like him. I don't think I love him yet, but I think he's a really good man overall. I’m really not a witch. I promise. This is just moving too fast for me. I definitely want him in my life. I just have to get over these reservations I guess. And I hate to tell him he can't come over when his situation at home is so bad.
Atomic_Doll Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Honestly, I would just have a heart-to-heart with him. I know this is easier said than done sometimes, but you really need to talk with him or you're going to snap on him or start becoming passive-aggressive. Try not to give him the "you're a nice guy but...." talk. Just tell him how YOU'RE feeling. Tell him that you are tired, not getting work done...that it's NOT his fault...but you need some time for yourself and you're kids. He should understand that...if he doesn't then he most likely has poor boundaries and isn't as respectful as he should be. You are not responsible nor the solution for his crazy roommate situation. It's good to be empathetic but you have you're own family to tend to as well. Good luck and I hope this helps.
Imajerk17 Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Honestly, I would just have a heart-to-heart with him. I know this is easier said than done sometimes, but you really need to talk with him or you're going to snap on him or start becoming passive-aggressive. Try not to give him the "you're a nice guy but...." talk. Just tell him how YOU'RE feeling. Tell him that you are tired, not getting work done...that it's NOT his fault...but you need some time for yourself and you're kids. He should understand that...if he doesn't then he most likely has poor boundaries and isn't as respectful as he should be. You are not responsible nor the solution for his crazy roommate situation. It's good to be empathetic but you have you're own family to tend to as well. Good luck and I hope this helps. I agree. I notice this a lot on here. When women stop dating jerks, they tend to end up dating a "nice guy" who is really more of a stray puppy than a real man. The situation with his roommate is HIS problem, not yours. He is an adult (hopefully). And even given that you've opened your place up to him for the past few weeks, it's still his problem. You have every right to talk to him about how you're realizing that you aren't comfortable with the arrangement of him staying over with your kids so early. And how did he even get himself into this situation in the first place? If he is supposedly making so much money, can't he just find another place? The fashion/fitness problems the two of you have are secondary at this point I'd say.
Author waiting4u Posted April 13, 2012 Author Posted April 13, 2012 Thanks you two. Excellent advice. And thanks for responding when nobody else did. I'm trying to do the right thing and not hurt him - he seems lovely in so many ways. And I'majerk, I think he is a "real man," but I am a bit uncomfortable with how much he likes me - it's absolutely foreign to me. I've never been with a guy who adored me so much. Most of my ex's are men I had to pursue or fight to even get their attention (and this is when i was in the relationship for god's sake). I did talk to him this morning and told him I needed "space." He was amazing about it really. I tried to suggest it was for a definite amount of time (like a week) but he said no, I need to take as much time as I need and then let him know when I'm ready. He said he didn't want me to feel like he was an obligation or something. He said he wasn't "going anywhere" which is lovely. This is great because I'm so used to being on my own that he has been really stressing me out - seeing him so much. I would seriously be happy seeing a guy twice a week. And I have no desire to live with a man anytime soon. I really need my independence. After we had the talk it was like a weight was lifted, thank god. I just hope I don't hurt him in the long run. This will give me some breathing room and then we can move a bit slower and I can decide how I feel. And I'majerk, you are right that the roommate situation is HIS problem, not mine.
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