InJest Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Look at how she behaves. Why should he have any respect for this (unt?
NXS Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Dasein, she's kind of hot. Not the hot I normally attracted to. But she's hot enough that she has guys hitting up on her randomly, usually younger guys. She'd make an excellent cougar. Huh? What age is she? I assumed from reading your OP that she was in her early 20s.
dasein Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Fish, good for you for taking the high road and trying something different, that's a really mature road to take, and you will learn from it. Some of the stuff I posted in your thread is over the top and some of it is plain tongue in cheek. The "hot hot amirite" stuff was an example of that. I had some beers last night, and know you can tell the difference between the basic advice and the ranty stuff, just saying.
Feelsgoodman Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 I think this experiment is failing. The situation is resolved, until next time, but I'm not happy. I'll post more later. I have a job interview to go to. I usually try to keep my posts lighthearted due to the trollish nature of this board, but you sound like you are genuinely asking for help, so I will try to give a genuine answer. In nearly every relationship, there is a dominant and submissive party. Very few relationships are truly a "union of equals". Sure, there will be areas of compromise in every relationship, but ultimately one party is going to set the tone, while the other is going to be the follower (not in every situation, obviously, but the majority of the time). Most conflicts are a result of people with incompatible personality types trying to be in a relationship with each other. Usually it involves two naturally dominant individuals (as two submissive types would probably never end up in a relationship with each other to begin with). Ultimately, such mismatched relationships are doomed to fail. In the past, women were raised to be submissive and respect the man's authority, while men were taught to be strong and authoritative. Thus, most men and women were a decent match for each other because of these "gender roles". Nowadays, things are a lot more murky. Women are taught to be independent and headstrong. These "modern women" are poor candidates for long term relationships, unless they find themselves a submissive beta male. To speak of you personal circumstances, you GF seems like a domineering type. You can either capitulate and accept her "leadership" or you can cut her loose. I honestly don't see any other alternative. You don't sound like a submissive beta male type, which means that will not be happy in a relationship with a bossy/domineering woman.
Kamille Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 (edited) I usually try to keep my posts lighthearted due to the trollish nature of this board, but you sound like you are genuinely asking for help, so I will try to give a genuine answer. :lmao::lmao::lmao: sigh Reads again :lmao::lmao::lmao: ...... FT, if there is one thing to learn from all of this, it'd be this: Every woman is different. You can't replace one for the other. You cannot make it work with everyone. Pay more attention to compatibility and spend less time worrying about who has power in a relationship. Best of luck. Edited April 13, 2012 by Kamille 2
Author fishtaco Posted April 13, 2012 Author Posted April 13, 2012 If you walk away, at least you can now say you tried and you learned something in the process. That said, it sounds like you have absolutely no respect for her, and were only carrying out an experiment...not really aiming for personal growth. That's kinda disappointing, but hey, that's the way it shakes out. You are right. I am learning. And I really thank you for your advice. And I don't regret taking your advice either. And for the record, you just encouraged me to play nice, and told me a few things of what to say, you didn't tell me to be a doormat. I did that on my own because I thought at the the time that was the solution. I thought experimenting with different things is personal growth? I'm trying out an experimental conflict resolution, one that I'm not used to, to see if I'll get a better result. Isn't that personal growth?
thatone Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 personal growth to me would be honing my retaliatory manipulation skills. that way when i was faced with apologizing, at least i deserve it. i'm not belittling your decisions, i just think they should be practiced on someone more deserving. i've dated one woman in 35 years who is able to control her insecurity and the associated bad behavior and emotions that come with it. ONE. all of the rest were only worth the mind sport. good luck.
threebyfate Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 fish, there's no need to roll over every time when it comes to conflict resolution. Your partner's responsible for her half of the relationship. When you shoulder it all, it will always be "your fault". I think it was a mistake to bend over this time. 1
zengirl Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I wouldn't call it a "mistake" to bend over this time, as TBF does, but rather I think it is probably not a good longterm strategy and she's right on everything else. I think it was unnecessary and perhaps unwise in general, but not a mistake because the whole idea was to do something new, outside of your comfort zone, and that was accomplished. I doubt you'll become a doormat longterm, Fish, and of course you shouldn't. But this is how learning goes -- you overreach and underreach, and eventually you find the sweet spot -- if not with her, perhaps in general. I thought experimenting with different things is personal growth? I'm trying out an experimental conflict resolution, one that I'm not used to, to see if I'll get a better result. Isn't that personal growth? Absolutely it is. I have to say your GF is behaving badly herself, so it's hard. I see you wanting so hard to grow, but she's not really giving you the room you deserve here. That's frustrating. Good luck on your interview.
Author fishtaco Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 Anyway, I came back from my interview, I was being a prick because I was in a bad mood. Luckily I was a prick to the recruiter, not the potential employer. The recruiter is going to make money off of me if he gets me a job, he'll do that even if he dislikes me, money is the bottom line, so I'm okay there. But I feel kind of bad anyway. NXS, she's 44. I'm 40. Age has nothing to do with anything BTW. I see people in their 60's engage in who stole who's boyfriend high school drama. So there were three points of contention. One was the fact that I didn't see her txt, therefore I didn't walk her to my place. To her, it was unacceptable that I wasn't checking my phone every minute, because I knew she was coming. She called exactly 26 minutes before she showed up. Yes, technology is great. Cell phone has all the records. She said that shows I don't care about her and I take her for granted. So I brought up the point that sometimes she'd call me and say she's one the way, then doesn't show up until 2 hours later. She discounted that by shutting down. I honestly don't understand why can't she call me a few minute or so after she txted me, since I didn't respond... problem solved. The second point of contention was that I made a smart ass remark. Yes I did, because I thought she made a smart ass remark. So I apologized for it. And I explained to her that wasn't where the conversation was going originally. The third point of contention was that I got upset at her for getting upset at me. Well, no **** Sherlock, this is something minor, why make a mountain out of a molehill? I didn't say it like that of course... remember I was being nice. She said I should hug her and give her loving words or something. Well, I kind of did... at the time, I was hugging her because I had no idea a sledgehammer was about to smack me upside the head, and the first thing was... I'm sorry, I didn't see your txt. That "robotic insincere" thing was actually later on when we were in full conflict mode, and I tried to escape by apologizing repeatedly. Everytime I would focus on one thing, and say, so this is what you're upset about? She would jump to the next one. Say we were talking about contention #1, she would say, no, I understand mistakes happen, but... then brings up 2 or 3. Then we move on to 2 or 3, she goes back to 1. So my analysis? She just wanted to fight. After a couple of hours of going back and forth between these points, I just sat there, and let her rip into me like I was a little puppy that just took a dump on the carpet. Then, after she vented, I did the "cheater's recovery move".... I hugged her and told her I love her. And that worked like a ****ing charm. After that, she slowly became more receptive. She still has to be right. She's a very intelligent and articulate woman. She get's a +10 to articulation during conflict. I'm the opposite. I so did the "soft" method. I took on ALL responsibility for improving. Then finally I was able to get one success... she at least for now, agrees that if conflict happens again, she's willing to let me go away, and talk about it later. But that's hardly a success. I don't want to walk on eggshells. She said due to her past, I guess she had jerks before, she has a zero tolerance plan. Basically she's a weak woman trying to assert herself with me. It's a house of cards. I see right through it. Which is why I was just going to walk away and call her bluff. And many of the male posters are right, after a few days, she'll probably call me and want to be back. Me, I'm a dominant usually, because I don't give a crap, and I don't respond to manipulations usually. Dominant women and I don't get along. I just go for the calling the bluff, sometimes to my own detriment. This acting like a doormat and using side tactics is something new to me. And because the way I am, I have the opposite of zero tolerance. What I value the most is peace and happiness. So when she's late, it really annoys me. But I know she doesn't like to be rushed, so I keep myself busy doing other things so I wouldn't be fidgeting. I never brought this up to her, because I want to keep the peace, so I don't have the right to blow up at her. I should let her know and give her a few chances first. So now I feel like I am going to enact my own zero tolerance policy. This is passive aggressive behavior. And it usually spells the beginning of the end of the relationship. After this incident, I respect her a bit less now.
threebyfate Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 My head spins over the dominance b/s. It's possible for two strong people to have an awesome relationship, as long as both are willing to be mature, roll over sometimes and compromise other times. That's what a relationship is all about, working together and understanding each other. Difficult to believe she's 44. She acts like an immature teenager. You can do better.
threebyfate Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 And that is exactly how it all starts. When you roll over and compromise. A **** sandwich just waiting for the mustard.Healthy relationships not your thing? No surprise.
zengirl Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 My head spins over the dominance b/s. It's possible for two strong people to have an awesome relationship, as long as both are willing to be mature, roll over sometimes and compromise other times. That's what a relationship is all about, working together and understanding each other. Right. And I think you have to be allowed to acknowledge the compromise somehow, rather than just take it for granted. It sounds like Fish's GF is taking any compromises for granted, honestly, and that's steamrolling someone. Difficult to believe she's 44. She acts like an immature teenager. You can do better. Agree. 1
mortensorchid Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I'd forget this. It's obviously not a good thing for either of you to be screaming at each other like this over such ridiculous things, but then again how many relationships have ended over such said silly things? I hope you are both able to move on. It's a bad sign when you said this is the second time you have been through this.
threebyfate Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Wow. There is nothing healthy about rolling over and compromising. If that is your definition of healthy, live it up.No idea what goes through your head but if you've actually observed human behaviour, many times arguments are just perceptional differences where neither is right or wrong. Person A has A, B, C beliefs and values. Person B has B, C, D beliefs and values. They can agree on B, C but what happens with A, D? This is the basis for the vast majority of arguments between two or more individuals.
Feelsgoodman Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 My head spins over the dominance b/s. It's possible for two strong people to have an awesome relationship, as long as both are willing to be mature, roll over sometimes and compromise other times. That's what a relationship is all about, working together and understanding each other. Difficult to believe she's 44. She acts like an immature teenager. You can do better. If you head is spinning for no reason, you might have an inner ear inflammation...i suggest you get that checked out. What I wrote about dominance is not BS. In any successful relationship, one person is always more dominant than the other. It's like army...you can't have one where everyone is of the same rank.
Star Gazer Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 fish, there's no need to roll over every time when it comes to conflict resolution. Your partner's responsible for her half of the relationship. When you shoulder it all, it will always be "your fault". I think it was a mistake to bend over this time. Fish didn't shoulder it all, nor did he bend over. He tried a new approach, because at the time, it was worth it to him to see if they could reach middle ground based on a perceived communication breakdown. He tried, it didn't work. He's not a failure. He didn't bend over. He manned up, and she behaved like a child. He can now move on without any regret.
Author fishtaco Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 Well, SG, TBF, Zengirl, and others, to be fair, this is at her worst. If she didn't have other positives I wouldn't be with her. However, the biggest problem isn't even her "zero tolerance policy", although I think that's pretty ridiculous. We are in a relationship together, help each other out. If one drops the ball, the other one helps to pick it up. But anyway, it's the way we approach conflicts. We both use the "hard" approach. Once I did the "Cheater's Recovery Move", she calmed down and realized she was steamrolling me, and tried to take on some responsibility herself. So I think she'd do well with a softer guy. Ultimately, I don't think this relationship will work out. Next time we have a big fight, probably sometime a month from now, we'll see what happens. But I am learning, from my experience with her, from all of your posts. When I become single again, oh man, I am going to carve a path of destruction through the local bimbo population, then I'll consider getting into another relationship, and try again. 1
threebyfate Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Right. And rolling over and compromising is your answer to this. Got it, observed and noted. Carry on.Are you always right and perfect in every way? This is a meaningful question.
Author fishtaco Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 What's the "Cheater's Recovery Move"? Hug her and say I love her. Regardless of what the original problem was. To me, that's ridiculous. If there's a problem, propose a solution. Instead of doing that, you just skip over all that, and say I love you, as if that will magically fix anything. But it works... Cheaters do that when they're caught, and women take them back, much to my surprise. So it's something I don't do, because I think it's stupid. But I tried it last night. It worked.
threebyfate Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 this is at her worst.Consider what happened. It was so trivial. And she's at her worst over something this trivial? What happens when it comes to important issues? Can you imagine the endless drama?
Feelsgoodman Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 But I am learning, from my experience with her, from all of your posts. When I become single again, oh man, I am going to carve a path of destruction through the local bimbo population, then I'll consider getting into another relationship, and try again. I don't know what you mean by the "bimbo population"? Who are these bimbos and what makes them less fitting for a relationship? Are they gold diggers? Personally, I think that dating older women at your age is ill advised. If you are 20 and you're dating a hot 24 year old, that's one thing. But 40 and dating a 44 year old? Not a good idea. 40+ is the age at which women start entering the menopause....it's not a good time either for them or the men in their lives. You should be dating women in their 30s (maybe even late 20s). Also, don't date women who are stubborn and headstrong or "modern" in their outlook on relationships and gender roles. If you're interested in a long-term relationship, find yourself and old fashioned woman who was raised right...a woman who understands that her main purpose in life (other than raising kids) is to please her man.
dasein Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Hug her and say I love her. Regardless of what the original problem was. I thought the cheater's recovery move was where you wait for the cheater to go to sleep and then give them a dirty sanchez, no?
Author fishtaco Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 Consider what happened. It was so trivial. And she's at her worst over something this trivial? What happens when it comes to important issues? Can you imagine the endless drama? Eh... actually that's a good point. Luckily both of us are relatively good people, so we've only had stupid lover's tiff. But you are right. If something big happens... oh man...
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