Fondue Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Fish's admitted inability to communicate effectively with his GF does not make her a manipulative monster. She's clearly demonstrated she fails at communication as well. I don't understand your point.
Imajerk17 Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 If fishtaco were to put his foot down and call her bluff, this woman would spend a solid two days lamenting her "crazy" behavior. And from now on--if fishtaco were to take her back that is--she would make a much more concerted effort to communicate like an adult. We teach others how to treat us.
dasein Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Is any of this constructive? Dunno is accusing posters who don't agree with you of having an "agenda" constructive? neener neeener you started it.
Eddie Edirol Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Hey Fish, someone else already said this, but what is it that you think she thinks you dont understand about her? Obviously this isnt about you missing the text, she has a big beef about something else, and you will have to let her vent to get to the real reason. She sounds like a venter, that will take a half an hour to get to the real problem she has with you. But if she called it off, dont call her until she calls you. Let her stew in her decision for a bit, call her bluff, let her panic and miss you. maybe she will get to the point faster. Thats german speak. And btw, if youre only mildly attracted to her, I think you should break it off. Im sure there is a hot women that you can find that isnt a bimbo that you will enjoy a meaningful relationship with. Lemme guess, you dont boost your gf's self esteem by telling her shes pretty, gorgeous, stuff like that? I been there. Im in that situation now.
snug.bunny Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 If fishtaco were to put his foot down and call her bluff, this woman would spend a solid two days lamenting her "crazy" behavior. And from now on--if fishtaco were to take her back that is--she would make a much more concerted effort to communicate like an adult. We teach others how to treat us. OP handles communication with his girlfriend, by not communicating, which he freely admitted. So, the example he is setting, is disregard. Her breaking up with him, is disregard towards their relationship. "We teach others how to treat us"....Notice a similar pattern between the two?
threebyfate Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Before this gets further derailed, it was a metaphor.
Star Gazer Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 She's clearly demonstrated she fails at communication as well. I don't understand your point. He fails, she fails. Neither is a manipulative monster, like you are making her out to be.
Star Gazer Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 OP handles communication with his girlfriend, by not communicating, which he freely admitted. So, the example he is setting, is disregard. Her breaking up with him, is disregard towards their relationship. "We teach others how to treat us"....Notice a similar pattern between the two? Exactly. He is now, for the first time, considering trying to improve the relationship dynamics. I can only applaud him for that. If he tries, and she continues to disregard... then he should too. But he should give her the fair opportunity to meet on safe, middle ground, before "dumping" her. That is, if he feels this relationship is worth continuing to explore.
dasein Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 He fails, she fails. Neither is a manipulative monster, like you are making her out to be. Based on OP's very balanced descriptions of her behavior alone in this thread, she's a high maintenance, manipulative, bratty, vindictive bitch and he has been infinitely patient with her over time, which has led to this crescendo of her bad behavior.
Star Gazer Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Fish, if you ever want to talk to a balanced person who's been in both your and your GF's shoes, feel free to PM me. Good luck.
dasein Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Gotta make em smell the glove don't drink the koolaid
Emilia Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 But I'm trying to make a change. I'm trying to find that balance. Maybe I'm living a pipe dream, but I want to try it until I fail first before I go back. So maybe I am one step behind you guys. I need to verify this first. Maybe I'll find that you guys are right after all, I don't know. But I have to try. [...] This is what I'm trying. I'm just going to be nice. That's right, nice. Because my theory is relationship is different from dating. If we reach a balance, great. If not, then eventually I'll hit my threshold, and then I'm out, and my theory will be proven false, and I'll hook up with random psycho bimbos for the rest of my life. After reading all the posts to page 5, this stands out to me more than any of the others. I understand fully what you mean about trying to change and grow. You don't want to allow actions become habits and become routine. You want to learn how to have meaningful relationships and not just date bimbos. Having random sex with people is the easiest thing to do when it comes to passing time, no responsibility, no ties, nothing. However, if you want to change the pattern, you need to realise also that you may not pick the right person necessarily straight away. I recognise this woman's MO because it looks similar to some of the men I dated over the years: she is passive aggressive. An ex of mine used to pull this stunt about sending me a text instead of calling and send another angry one when I didn't reply. All the passive aggressive types who would make things difficult for me on purpose were the ones that would NEVER take responsibility for their actions or for their contribution to the conflicts we had. It's all very well to understand what her motivation is and she may have a point about how you handle arguments but a good long term girlfriend would find a way to adjust her communication style to yours to meet you half-way. She wouldn't resort to trying to coerce you into something that's not your style. You are who you are. You can change to a degree but you can't bend over backwards forever. But this is a tomboy speaking 1
zengirl Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 I think Emilia has a good point. Giving up on the GF doesn't have to mean giving up forever on the growth you'd hoped for (in fact, putting that much emphasis on any one person seems extreme to me). I do think having a discussion with her -- whatever happens -- benefits that growth, if you're truly interested in that. Never allow yourself to be manipulated again (but I don't think you would), but realize there are other tools besides complete shut down and walk away to avoid manipulation. There may be a woman out there who's not a bimbo who is better for you than this woman. It will probably take some time with bimbos for you to want to try again if this doesn't work, I imagine, fish. But I'd say that there's a big difference between, "What I was trying doesn't work," and "This relationship doesn't work." It sounds to me like your GF is inconsiderate in some pretty important ways (the lateness), but none of that was what the fight was about. It seems to me -- from your posts -- like you wanted tools to communicate with her, and now you have them. That communication shouldn't be capitulation or accusation -- neither of those ever go well. At any rate, that communication could be a sign of the very growth you were attempting --- maybe not as clear a sign as a successful relationship with a neat little bow. But things often start small. Your growth is the most important part, though, from what I've read. You have to take care of you, but I just fail to see how just walking out does that. All it does is keep you stagnant. And ftr I've nothing against men who want to date bimbos and is open and honest about that, but. . . if someone wants to grow and change, I think that's worth following through, no matter what it is. And something prompted you to want to change, something that doesn't seem to be your GF or how amazing she was in particular, so don't put your hopes for that growth all on her. Because that's never really been about her, from what I've read.
Radu Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 After reading all the posts to page 5, this stands out to me more than any of the others. I understand fully what you mean about trying to change and grow. You don't want to allow actions become habits and become routine. You want to learn how to have meaningful relationships and not just date bimbos. Having random sex with people is the easiest thing to do when it comes to passing time, no responsibility, no ties, nothing. However, if you want to change the pattern, you need to realise also that you may not pick the right person necessarily straight away. I recognise this woman's MO because it looks similar to some of the men I dated over the years: she is passive aggressive. An ex of mine used to pull this stunt about sending me a text instead of calling and send another angry one when I didn't reply. All the passive aggressive types who would make things difficult for me on purpose were the ones that would NEVER take responsibility for their actions or for their contribution to the conflicts we had. It's all very well to understand what her motivation is and she may have a point about how you handle arguments but a good long term girlfriend would find a way to adjust her communication style to yours to meet you half-way. She wouldn't resort to trying to coerce you into something that's not your style. You are who you are. You can change to a degree but you can't bend over backwards forever. But this is a tomboy speaking This, really. The guys who have told you to break up with her have discounted what you are trying to accomplish, the female apologists (SG) have completely missed the point. Stay with her, but keep her as a pet, try to learn what you are trying to learn and test it on her. DO NOT take it any further, because this woman deserves to remain alone. PS: In the future, if someone thinks of your time as worthless and decides to waste 2hs of it, cut it right there. You said it yourself that we educate others on how we want to be treated and that shows a complete disregard for you, and maybe an egotistical character.
Els Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Stay with her, but keep her as a pet, try to learn what you are trying to learn and test it on her. THAT's what you got out of Emilia's post?? Really??? Speaking of missing the point...
Star Gazer Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 I think Emilia has a good point. Giving up on the GF doesn't have to mean giving up forever on the growth you'd hoped for (in fact, putting that much emphasis on any one person seems extreme to me). I do think having a discussion with her -- whatever happens -- benefits that growth, if you're truly interested in that. Never allow yourself to be manipulated again (but I don't think you would), but realize there are other tools besides complete shut down and walk away to avoid manipulation. Your growth is the most important part, though, from what I've read. You have to take care of you, but I just fail to see how just walking out does that. All it does is keep you stagnant. This is also what I said, or was trying to say.
zengirl Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 This is also what I said, or was trying to say. Right, I get that. I'm not sure if you thought I was disagreeing? I mostly agree with your points. I think it's important to point out that the GF's behavior, in this case, was uncool and not acceptable but. . . everyone's behavior is uncool and not acceptable sometimes, IMO ('tis the nature of being human). It's where we go from there that determines if it's unreasonable. Anyway, I'm sure Fish will be fine. He seems like a level-headed guy.
Radu Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 THAT's what you got out of Emilia's post?? Really??? Speaking of missing the point... And where exactly did i say that my entire post was the conclusion of her post ? That's my advice, you may not like it but everyone does it. We do it when we are preteens and get our first kiss, when we lose our cherry, when we have those brief (but oh so wild) college flings and when we date others in between our long and serious relationships. Maybe you take offense at the word 'pet' ? Well, it describes pretty well what the OP already has in plan for this relationship if you read the thread.
Els Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 And where exactly did i say that my entire post was the conclusion of her post ? That's my advice, you may not like it but everyone does it. We do it when we are preteens and get our first kiss, when we lose our cherry, when we have those brief (but oh so wild) college flings and when we date others in between our long and serious relationships. Maybe you take offense at the word 'pet' ? Well, it describes pretty well what the OP already has in plan for this relationship if you read the thread. Mmhmm. Good luck with your next owner then, since that is clearly how healthy people perceive their relationship partners.
Radu Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 When did describing the SO as the 'owner of our heart' become such a bad thing. Get over it, remember at the last party you went with your SO, you laughed and put your hand on his chest ? You were yelling 'he's mine !'. PS: I can't wait to meet my owner, i wonder if she'll be as dreamy as i picture her.
threebyfate Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 fish, I'm going to be frank with you. Your girlfriend is a spoiled brat. 2
veggirl Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 I agree the girl sounds like a brat. Throwing out the break up line multiple times would be a dealbreaker for me. First of all, you'll be walking on egg shells anytime you have a disagreement because you have to wonder if she's gonna threaten a break up again. Second of all, it just plain reeks of immaturity. How old are you both? I commend you on your desire to grow as a person. I don't think this girl needs to be a part of that, or really sounds like she will be beneficial in your journey tbh. 1
Author fishtaco Posted April 13, 2012 Author Posted April 13, 2012 Thanks all for your replies. I'll try to get to it when I can. I was out later, because I went to talk to my GF. Long story short, I did what I promised SG I was going to do. Not trying to pin the responsibility on her, it was entirely 100% my decision to go with her advice. So we are still together at this point, and I kept backing off and backing off in order to make this happen. I agree with dasein. I agree with all his posts in all the different threads in fact. We think a lot a like. It was not easy at all, to suppress that, ignoring what my brain is screaming at me, essentially what dasein said, and just back off until it is resolved. TBF is right, she is a spoiled brat. When I bring up counter points, she shuts down instead. So I stopped doing that, it was going nowhere. My point wasn't to "win" the argument, it was to resolve it. And I did. By being a doormat. Is this is what it takes to be in a relationship? Dasein, she's kind of hot. Not the hot I normally attracted to. But she's hot enough that she has guys hitting up on her randomly, usually younger guys. She'd make an excellent cougar. But I'm not doing this for her, I'm doing this for my ex. I had "the one" in my past. I screwed up by walking away too easily, TBF knows what I'm talking about. I deeply regret it, and I promised myself I will not walk away easily again. So no, it's not because she's so awesome, it's because my ex was so awesome. I think this experiment is failing. The situation is resolved, until next time, but I'm not happy. I'll post more later. I have a job interview to go to.
Star Gazer Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 If you walk away, at least you can now say you tried and you learned something in the process. That said, it sounds like you have absolutely no respect for her, and were only carrying out an experiment...not really aiming for personal growth. That's kinda disappointing, but hey, that's the way it shakes out.
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