threebyfate Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 It's the covet and acquisition perspective that's so not attractive. You don't acquire a relationship or a partner. You emotionally meld with another individual.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 I'm kind of starting to give up on the life I thought I was going to have (good husband, kids, family) and enjoy the life I have right now. This means I'm giving even wildly inappropriate partners a chance, and possibly keeping one of them around from time to time even if it seems pretty obvious he doesn't have staying power. A while back, I would have felt like this was a bad idea. But now I feel like it's a much better idea than just being alone and despondent about everything. I still have some hope that things will work out the way I would like, but I can't get to that point without having some fun in the meantime, the occasional cuddle, some degree of basic romantic interaction and mutual appreciation. Being silly, fun, and affectionate with a man is a unique pleasure that can't be replaced by anything. You have to have fun somehow. Life's a real drag when you don't. 1
OliveOyl Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 V, My input is that you're still young! There is PLENTY of time to create the life you want. Heck I'm in my early 50s and have started over and am thoroughly enjoying the process. It really IS about the journey... because once you "get there" there will be yet somewhere else you want to be. My life started to fall apart around 27 (disliked my job, no BF in sight, not many friends, felt burdened by overbearing parents, was consumed by angst, etc.) but in a few short years (by age 30) I had a bunch of new great friends, a new job, and at 31 I met the man I married. But then of course life continued... work changes... kids... drifted apart from hubby...the point is that it's just a never-ending process, there is no final end-point, until, of course, you die (and then even after that, who knows?) One thing is as much as your rational/logical mind wants to plan, figure it out, and predict things, life is such that in many cases, you really can't. It is very strange how life can be seeming to go down a certain path and then turn around. Meaning, a year from now you could suddenly find yourself in a completely different set of circumstances including finding yourself in a happy long-term relationship. 2
zengirl Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Ruby has it right. Every moment you have is a moment you have. We don't really know what the next one brings. Might as well enjoy this one, whatever that means to you. It sounds more and more to me like you are suffering from some kind of depression if NOTHING brings you joy, V. It is not depression to be frustrated about dating or whatnot, but people who are not depressed can usually find some joy somewhere. That's what the theme of the posts in this thread are about: Find some joy. We give you ideas. You tell us why you can't. I'm not saying my way is the only way to find joy. My way isn't exactly Ruby's, for instance, but I can appreciate her way as well. There are different ways. But you reject them all. You reject joy. That is a problem, V. A much deeper problem than your looks or your lack of a relationship, and nothing can fix that problem except YOU taking action to find joy. Sure, but at what point do you stop trying, and recognize that it's just a waste of your time/energy? When it stops being fun/productive/joyful/interesting/worthwhile/etc. If you fixate on the goal, you miss all that. You miss everything! 1
jobaba Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 I don't think you should give up. I believe (at least partially) that men have rejected you and screwed you over and people have made you feel unattractive. I've been there too. I suggest a change of scenery. Maybe move to another city and get a new network of friends. You're still very young. When I was around your age, I hung around with some people (mostly through my friends) who would make me feel like crap, either women who obviously thought they were too good to be in my presence or dudes who felt like they had to put me down. I've slowly cut such people out of my life. You may want to consider doing the same. 1
tman666 Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Gee, that sounds.... fun? I asked this before, but... at one point in "reaching a goal" do you recognize that is it not possible, and that you're just wasting time and energy? For example, I've given up on my Paleo and gym thing, because it wasn't doing anything. I was putting all of this energy and time into something that wasn't benefiting me, and was majorly stressing me out. I've just accepted that my body is fat. I think continuing to try to be skinny would have just eventually killed me. Some things in life just aren't achievable (apparently dating is that for me as well), so what point do you figure that out and just... let go? Who said anything about fun?? If you want something badly enough, you'll find a way to see it through. The word "quitting" shouldn't be in your vocabulary. This makes the decision to "let go" or "how hard should I be trying?" non-existent. Either decide something is important enough to you to pursue, or admit that it's not important to you (which is perfectly ok, btw. Not every goal/passion/desire is going to be universally applicable). I do know that half-assing things will get a person nowhere. Read Steve Kambs post from April 10...
Author verhrzn Posted April 12, 2012 Author Posted April 12, 2012 Who said anything about fun?? If you want something badly enough, you'll find a way to see it through. The word "quitting" shouldn't be in your vocabulary. This makes the decision to "let go" or "how hard should I be trying?" non-existent. Either decide something is important enough to you to pursue, or admit that it's not important to you (which is perfectly ok, btw. Not every goal/passion/desire is going to be universally applicable). I do know that half-assing things will get a person nowhere. Read Steve Kambs post from April 10... How about admitting that something is important, but being tired of failing at it? Failing over, and over, and over again does a very serious number on the self-esteem... That's what the whole advice about "giving up on dating for now" is supposed to be about, right?
OhHey Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 (edited) I agree with TBF said up there.... I'm not butt kissing...I do believe in that 100% People try to hard to be in a relationship to the point they "think" it's true, because they NEED someone in their life and get desperate) but two years in they see it is not. It's why I don't give a crap about hoarding dating sites and going out of my mind that I don't have a person in my life...Screw it...happens happens, don't it don't....I'm not wasting my life in that cat and mouse, love me, love me not BS game just to have "someone and not the one"No thanks. Edited April 12, 2012 by OhHey
Author verhrzn Posted April 12, 2012 Author Posted April 12, 2012 I agree with TBF said up there.... I'm not butt kissing...I do believe in that 100% People try to hard to be in a relationship to the point they "think" it's true, because they NEED someone in their life and get desperate) but two years in they see it is not. It's why I don't give a crap about hoarding dating sites and going out of my mind that I don't have a person in my life...Screw it...happens happens, don't it don't....I'm not wasting my life in that cat and mouse, love me, love me not BS game just to have "someone and not the one"No thanks. I dunno... I'm way happier in relationships, even bad ones, than I am single. When I'm in a relationship, I feel like I can finally be myself. I can do my hobbies and embrace my weird personality because I don't have to "be" something to get a relationship. I feel like, to get a relationship, you have to do all of these things and be all of these things that I just am not... When I'm single, I feel so fake and stressed out with all the ways I'm failing at attracting someone. For example, when I'm single, I had BETTER be wearing make-up every single freaking day. What if I run into a cute guy?! He'll see me without make-up and immediately flee! But when I'm dating someone, I can wear make-up or not wear make-up based on my own choosing. It's a wonderful freedom. But really, I just also want to not be a freak. Everyone around me is married/engaged, with kids and an "adult life".... or they're purposefully choosing to party/be single/have adventures. I have neither. I feel like I've failed at a fundamental part of human existence that seems to come so easily to other people. I'll never get to plan a wedding, I'll never get to experience pregnancy and hold my own child in my arms, I'll never get to own a house with someone I've built a life with. All of these things other people can do, and I've failed at it.
tman666 Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 How about admitting that something is important, but being tired of failing at it? Failing over, and over, and over again does a very serious number on the self-esteem... That's what the whole advice about "giving up on dating for now" is supposed to be about, right? I think that the advice to give up on dating for now is not necessarily about admitting final defeat or that "you're just not meant to EVER find love". It's about admitting that you're not in the right place to be able to pursue it. Think about it this way: if you expect yourself to fail at something, chances are that you are correct. I'm sure you've heard that before, and while it's cliche and cheesy, it's true in so many ways. If you're not at a point where you believe that you are capable of finding and deserving love, then you are probably not going to just miraculously find it. Another thing you might want to think about is how you set your expectations and goals. S.M.A.R.T. goal setting can be a useful tool in determining how to proceed forward with many situations (including the gym and your diet, btw), and I think it can also apply here. Be realistic with yourself. Determine where you are in relation to where you need to be to reach your goals, and use SMART to set up incremental "sub goals" that will lead to the desired outcomes. Sometimes, part of moving forward is taking a step back as well (back to your question of when to throw in the towel). Stepping back from a goal for a while can give us new perspective on that goal (reevaluation).
OhHey Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 But really, I just also want to not be a freak. Everyone around me is married/engaged, with kids and an "adult life".... or they're purposefully choosing to party/be single/have adventures. I have neither. It's awesome you mention this, I just made a thread sort of along these lines. I know how people can look at you like you're weird for not being in a relationship and all that crap, it's annoying like it's something that everyone has to do or else. My attitude as of now is I don't give a damn who thinks I am a freak for not wanting all the drama and BS dating and all that can bring. I'm just not one to talk for three hours on my cell phone to my GF over some stupid argument(know what I mean?) it is such a waste of time and I simply don't care. So I am one that chose to be single and adventurous....If a relationship happens it does, but I am not desperately seeking one like I will die if I don't. Who cares if people think you're a freak not being hitched....who cares, screw it. If a relationship is what you want, V, don't do it because of people's prying eyes, but do it only if it is right, what you want and willing to make it work and not with just anyone. I see what they are telling you....ease up a bit and stop going insane over al lof it...relax and let some of it come to you, in the meantime live life and do things that make you happy....Code up a website that will put FB to shame, you little coder you:D:)
neowulf Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 V, as someone who's struggled with clinical depression and has a family history of it.. I really think you need to see someone. That "Nothing makes me happy. Nothing fills that emptiness inside". That is a *key* symptom. Your own thoughts, your own mind are poisoning you. For the longest time, I was trapped in thoughts much like the ones you're having now. An inability to even occupy the notion that just "maybe" life would actually turn out the way I wanted. You sound like you've lost faith, lost hope. You sound like you're ready to wave the flag and throw the towel in... at 27. You have so much more life ahead of you V. Don't put of getting the help you need. Beg, borrow.. do what ever it takes, but get the help now while you're still young enough to turn it around. 1
MrNate 2.0 Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Everyone is complicating things. All this advice won't do anything for you V. While it's good, if we're honest, will it really solve your problem? Probably not. I don't think you need therapy at all. I think you simply need a better mindset. My personal suggestion would be to not give up on anything. That term is wrong, as it means to forever leave it alone. I would stay hopeful and optimistic about it. However, as you can see, all this advice won't change your conditioning. The real question is: Do you believe you can change? I mean honestly? If you truly don't, nothing anyone tells you will matter. Your beliefs drive everything about you, and YES they can be changed. But you have to want it first. So do you want it? Once you do, then you go about it in a way that affects who you are today. Do a simple exercise: Take a pen and paper and write down several lines about the life you want as if it's that way today. Don't leave any details out. It doesn't have to be long, just enough to hit the core. Use present tense. I am, etc. Your subconscious listens and acts on everything you tell it. It honestly doesn't matter. You will be surprise at how much negative language you're using. Try this for a couple weeks, and I bet you'll start to change for the better. Don't be one of those people who say 'but so and so provided external validation, so he/she had no problem'. Because the answer is simple: If he/she didn't believe she could, she would've never got the result in the first place. It's like saying a woman magically hops in a bed with a man, or a woman magically finds her husband. There's no magic, just beliefs. The belief that you CAN. People may think this is silly, but then again, those are the same ones who never get anywhere. Funny how that works. Just think on it.
Els Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 V, as someone who's struggled with clinical depression and has a family history of it.. I really think you need to see someone. That "Nothing makes me happy. Nothing fills that emptiness inside". That is a *key* symptom. Your own thoughts, your own mind are poisoning you. For the longest time, I was trapped in thoughts much like the ones you're having now. An inability to even occupy the notion that just "maybe" life would actually turn out the way I wanted. You sound like you've lost faith, lost hope. You sound like you're ready to wave the flag and throw the towel in... at 27. You have so much more life ahead of you V. Don't put of getting the help you need. Beg, borrow.. do what ever it takes, but get the help now while you're still young enough to turn it around. This. Also, V, I think you're only seeing what you want to see a lot of the time, to be honest. Everyone around you is engaged/married with kids... at 27??? Really??? Hon, I come from a culture where women tend to marry much earlier, and even then I know PLENTY of 27+ year olds who aren't engaged or married with kids. And no, they're not single because they 'just want to party', either. The statement sounds a lot to me like SD's one of 'every girl he sees is attractive (ie has huge boobs and long hair and is very skinny)', because, you know, he doesn't even SEE the others. Equally so, I think you only choose to acknowledge what fuels your crusade against yourself. 3
zengirl Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Everyone is complicating things. All this advice won't do anything for you V. While it's good, if we're honest, will it really solve your problem? Probably not. I don't think you need therapy at all. I think you simply need a better mindset. Well, true, but sometimes you can't do that alone. V needs a better mindset. She needs something to help her get there. Maybe therapy, maybe not.
betterdeal Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 (edited) This. Also, V, I think you're only seeing what you want to see a lot of the time, to be honest. Everyone around you is engaged/married with kids... at 27??? Really??? Hon, I come from a culture where women tend to marry much earlier, and even then I know PLENTY of 27+ year olds who aren't engaged or married with kids. And no, they're not single because they 'just want to party', either. The statement sounds a lot to me like SD's one of 'every girl he sees is attractive (ie has huge boobs and long hair and is very skinny)', because, you know, he doesn't even SEE the others. Equally so, I think you only choose to acknowledge what fuels your crusade against yourself. I remember getting despondent about my friends all settling down a few years ago, said as much to a friend who's 7 years older, and she replied, wistfully, "mine are all getting divorced." Made me chuckle. Edited April 13, 2012 by betterdeal 3
counterman Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 I've been given those two pieces of 'advice' as well: to not try so hard and take some time off dating and 'it'll happen when you least expect it'. Let me tell you how that worked out for me. I literally got nowhere with dating or romantically. In saying that, I was more focused on my studies than anything social. I guarantee you if I had at least put myself out there and made an effort to attend more university events and other social gatherings, I would have at least meet a few girls I was interested in, when I wasn't intentionally looking. I found if I really want to get somewhere I have to keep trying. With that said, you really need the right mind-set to keep trying when things don't work out the way you want it to. That's just the nature of the beast. Sure you'll get jaded and frustrated and bitter at times, but that baggage shouldn't weigh you down and affect other aspects of your life if you have the right mindset. I've approached many girls over the past month or so, and so far, a lot of people would say I've been 'failing'. Sure, I've been rejected over a dozen times but is that going to stop me from trying? No. And I feeling angry or bitter over it? No. In fact, I'm feeling better each time I make an effort because I know I'm giving it my best and I know that things will turn around if I keep at it AND I've not hell-bent on getting something out of it, in fact, I'm more focused on having fun (if you saw me laugh in the face of rejection, you'll think I'm a mad man). Most importantly, other aspects of my life are going well. It's not a bad reflection on me that I'm single. In saying that I'm still really young (in my early 20s), and I'm lucky to have developed a right attitude and a right mindset instead of being weighed down by bad experiences and expectations. I'm not sure how others who have been constantly frustrated, change their mindsets -- but it can happen, with self-help and help from others. You've used the word 'failed' in so many situations and contexts that I would disagree with on so many levels. But it spans deeper than any of us can delve into... it seems as though it's engrained deeply in your mind, which all the advice in this thread cannot really erase, although it might help you see things in a different perspective. Life is so much more than experiencing those things. Even though, I would say I share the same feelings of wanting to share my life with someone, buy a house, have children, etc. But a lot of people have things worse off. I see myself as very fortunate, despite not having everything I want. The things I do have I appreciate very much. Life doesn't always go according to plan. One of my teachers was busy partying from 20 to 30. He then wanted to settle down but things just wasn't happening to him for some reason. Then at 40 he met a single mum with 2 children. She wasn't his ideal type but he ended up marrying her and now he's happier than ever. So my 'advice' is to keep trying. We were put on this world to struggle and to keep fighting. Keep trying BUT don't focus so much on the end goal and just ride the journey. Everything is an experience, whether it's bad or good, you'll get something out of it. I always have to remind myself of this and it leaves me with inner peace. I never get angry or frustrated at rejections or disappointments. Keep the other aspects of your life firing as well. Keep trying but with a different mindset -- how you change your mindset, I'm not to sure, but positive reinforcement when I'm thinking 'right' has always worked for me. If worst comes to worst, I'll fly over there and show you a good time and renew your zest for dating and add to that in your life
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