How Could I Succeed By Giving Up?

[verhrzn]

I’ve been thinking a lot about lately about two connecting pieces of advice I get a lot. The first piece of advice is that I should give up on dating for a while… put my energy elsewhere. (Where elsewhere? Just elsewhere, I guess.) This will supposedly make me more confident and less desperate.

The second piece of advice is the trite “It’ll happen when you least expect it.” This ties into the first piece of advice, in that it suggests that by NOT trying at dating, I’ll somehow succeed at dating.

 

I am very confused and skeptical about this advice. First of all, how in the world does giving up on a goal somehow lead to succeeding at that goal? That just doesn’t make logical sense to me. But more importantly, I feel like if I gave up on dating “for now,” I’d give up on it forever.

 

The reason I think this, is because my “non-trying” life is not compatible with the things you’re supposed to do to succeed at dating. If I gave up on dating, my life would literally be nothing but work, going to the gym, me alone in my apartment, or hanging out with the same groups of friends where I already know everyone. My hobbies are rather solitary; I’m much more of an introvert who prefers to spend most of my time alone.

 

Since I’m a solitary person by nature, I’ve had to really force myself to do online dating, go to singles’ events and meet-ups and what not. I am obviously not going to meet a guy in my living room. And guys never approach me out in real life. The ONLY way I have gotten relationships is by “forcing” them… me approaching and chasing the guy.

 

If I gave up… in other words, stopped doing these things… how could my dating life possibly succeed? I’d never meet anyone!

 

Or, is this advice meant to just cover up the sad truth my mother told me a few weekends ago-that maybe it’s “not in God’s plan” for me to have a family, so I had better get used to my lonely life, because this is how it’s going to be forever? Is that what the advice means... that you give up on dating, and eventually (somehow) stop caring that no one wants to date you?

Could someone please explain the logic behind this advice??

[Els]

Christ, V, your mom sounds exactly like mine. All the 'subtle' ways of bringing down your self esteem. Surely you're smarter than to let that get you down?

 

I think when people suggest to 'not think about it', they mean that you should be trying to improve yourself in a general social sense as well, but not focus solely on getting a guy. Which is admittedly pretty difficult if you don't particularly enjoy being social, like other introverts.

 

My experience has actually been that I found relationships when I was not looking for them. Not sure if that was coincidence, or some strange truth. I did push myself a little socially, and if I hadn't I wouldn't have met them, but that was because I was in a new place and needed friends. I wasn't looking for a R per se.

[fortyninethousand322]

I suppose the logic is the same logic people use when they've lost something (I give this advice to my sister all the time): do something else and what you're looking for will turn up sooner or later. No sense taking years off your life stressing over it.

[thatone]

the whole 'stop trying and you'll magically find someone' advice is, honestly, princess fantasy bullsh*t.

 

however, you can always do it that way, then fall hopelessly for the first guy that approaches you in the grocery store after a year or so of pent up sexual frustration and then you can proclaim to the world how he's perfect 'for me' while looking forward to your divorce a few years down the line.

 

but hey, that's just reality. don't let that slow you down

[zengirl]

Some clarification on "It'll happen when you least expect it" and "stop trying":

 

People more mean stop putting PRESSURE on it to happen, rather than stop working towards it or whatnot. We can work towards things, taking positive steps and actions that might lead for it to happen, while being totally content with our current reality and being proud of the work we are doing for the way it benefits us. You can change your mindset this way. It is possible. It requires nothing changing but simply your beliefs, so is fully within your control. Unless you are not in control of your own mind. That would be the first step then.

 

Or, is this advice meant to just cover up the sad truth my mother told me a few weekends ago-that maybe it’s “not in God’s plan” for me to have a family, so I had better get used to my lonely life, because this is how it’s going to be forever? Is that what the advice means... that you give up on dating, and eventually (somehow) stop caring that no one wants to date you?

 

No, that's just your mother being a negative, unhappy person who will say things like that to get people at her level. Most of my mother's family is like that. My mom has some of those tendencies (she was raised that way), though she went to therapy when I was young and has been much happier ever since. I was lucky for that, as I didn't develop those tendencies, but I've seen it so, so often. It's why I barely call that side of the family.

 

Not meaning to be insulting to your mother (I know that's not nice of me) as she was probably just socialized that way and doesn't know any better. But don't let yourself become part of the cycle. Break it!

 

Christ, V, your mom sounds exactly like mine. All the 'subtle' ways of bringing down your self esteem. Surely you're smarter than to let that get you down?

 

Come now, Elswyth. Surely you're smart enough to know self-esteem isn't about being smart. Sometimes being smart helps, but very smart people can get caught in these psychological traps.

 

Self esteem is something we develop through mindset and experience. Many people are taught SE as children. Some have to develop it on their own as adults. Some never do or develop SE dependent upon other factors (youth, beauty, money, success) that are not lasting. It's sad, really.

[AD1980]

You dont suceed by giving up i think the idea is to try to suceed by not giving a sh#t..Where you dont put a burden on yourself to find someone or that your life is an utter failure without somebody and to have fun with it..

 

Im not preaching here as myself i find it hard to stay in this mindset even though i know its the truth and the most healthy mindset to have..

Edited April 12, 2012 by AD1980

[carhill]

IMO, you define your own 'success' in life. That you look around and see others in relationships and you not is a personal perception. You choose how to react to that perception. You have choices.

[xxoo]

Not "give up". Just table it for the time being.

 

Is focusing your time and attention on dating serving you well right now?

 

If not, focus your time and attention on things that build you up.

 

Does the routine of work, gym, alone in apt, or small group of friends build you up? I'm inclined to think that you need to introduce some sort of new activity that actually makes you feel excited and re-energized. What does that for you?

[Mme. Chaucer]

It's not giving up. It's changing focus.

 

Finding some joy and success in something or another can only enhance your life as a whole.

 

Positive begets more positive. I'm not "new age" or magical-thinking-minded. I'm not saying that this will get a person a husband or a wife. It will help towards a happy and fulfilling life whether or not certain dreams and goals are realized.

[verhrzn]

Well if I stopped caring and putting pressure on myself, and why just content with myself, then why would I need dating at all? Dating, for me, has been nothing but a long string of rejections and awfulness... but it's the only way to get to what I DO want, which is a husband and a family.

 

It seems to me that if I developed a mindset of "Well I'm happy single, and my life is perfect!"... then why would I put myself through the agony and stress that is dating?

 

In defense of my mother, I'm not sure if it's her "bringing me down..." More it's just her way of trying to make my expectations realistic. Some people DO end up alone, despite their best efforts and through no particular fault of their own.

 

I have been thinking more lately that I should just forego the "husband" part and become a single mother (through artificial insemination, calm down MRA.) The trouble with this is, I'm not sure it'd be fair to a child... to not have a father figure, and to be raised on my meager income and time. But I think I'd be a lot less freaked out about dating if I didn't have the pressure of the biological clock, and if I knew I could at least get HALF of what I want.

 

What do you guys think? Forego the husband and just get myself a kid?

[Els]

Um, I have a horrible memory, so give me a refresher - how old are you again?

[verhrzn]

Not "give up". Just table it for the time being.

 

Is focusing your time and attention on dating serving you well right now?

 

If not, focus your time and attention on things that build you up.

 

Does the routine of work, gym, alone in apt, or small group of friends build you up? I'm inclined to think that you need to introduce some sort of new activity that actually makes you feel excited and re-energized. What does that for you?

 

Um.... nothing. Nothing makes me excited or re-energized, or at least, nothing that's realistic. A relationship would make me excited. Money and time to travel would make me excited.

 

I am trying a bunch of new things. I'm putting a lot of energy into cooking, exercising and trying to teach myself to sew. But none of it makes me feel excited... it just makes me feel like "these are the things you're supposed to do to get excited and be an interesting person."

 

The thing is, if I table it for now, why would I bother picking it up later? Why would a later point of my life be any better? And if I COULD table the desire for a relationship, I wonder why would I bother later on in life? If I could stop wanting a relationship, I can't fathom why I'd put myself out there again for more rejection and bitterness.

 

Um, I have a horrible memory, so give me a refresher - how old are you again?

 

Turning 27 in June.

[stillafool]

I think "giving up" in your case means to not worry about getting dates but go out, have fun with other interests and let a guy find you. What would be your alternative? If you go back to chasing guys you will remain frustrated. Try something different.

[xxoo]

What do you guys think? Forego the husband and just get myself a kid?

 

I'm going to a wedding this summer. The bride, in her mid 40s, has 2 adopted daughters. This is her first marriage, and she adopted them while single.

 

She got her husband and kids. She just didn't get them in the traditional order, or process. She took control and created the life she wants (and was probably more attractive to her fiance because of it! ).

[zengirl]

Well if I stopped caring and putting pressure on myself, and why just content with myself, then why would I need dating at all? Dating, for me, has been nothing but a long string of rejections and awfulness... but it's the only way to get to what I DO want, which is a husband and a family.

 

It seems to me that if I developed a mindset of "Well I'm happy single, and my life is perfect!"... then why would I put myself through the agony and stress that is dating?

 

This is a valid point. I sometimes recommend Finding Your Half-Orange on here, and it mentions that sometimes women thought-sabotage themselves by saying "I'm so happy to be single! But. . . it would be nice to have a partner." This is because they're putting too much energy towards being HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY at being single. I don't think you're anywhere near in danger of doing that though. It's all about moderation. Being miserable that you're single and seeing dating as a burden is problematic too.

 

What's helpful is enjoying the journey that you're taking. If dating, as you know it, has made you feel like crap, how could it be the road to success? I'm not saying the road to success is always wonderful ALL THE TIME. Of course not. I'm currently training for a marathon (I have no idea why at the moment) and my lungs have been aching for days because I am not a marathon person. I exercise, but that much cardio isn't my thing. It is painful. BUT if it were ONLY painful, with no reason to believe the journey itself would be good, I would quit. Being in something for solely the end results usually gets you nowhere. C'est la vie. There are also reasons such a painful endeavor is making me happy, so I'm sticking with it. And all things worth doing or having take some hard work, generally.

 

Thing is, dating the way you've been doing it is probably not your only option. You could develop your social circle in general, with women and men, without an eye towards dating, and that'd still beef up dating prospects. You could energize your life by trying new hobbies or going to meetups you wouldn't otherwise go to, but for new experiences and growth as a person, rather than to immediately meet a mate. That's generally what people mean when they say, "stop trying." They mean, "Try better. Try something new. Fixate less. etc"

 

In defense of my mother, I'm not sure if it's her "bringing me down..." More it's just her way of trying to make my expectations realistic. Some people DO end up alone, despite their best efforts and through no particular fault of their own.

 

I suppose they do. I suspect a lot of them got trapped into similar patterns of thinking is all. I don't really "blame" your mother. I imagine you think a lot like her. I imagine a lot of other people in your family think that way. This sort of thing is a pattern, as I say.

 

I have been thinking more lately that I should just forego the "husband" part and become a single mother (through artificial insemination, calm down MRA.) The trouble with this is, I'm not sure it'd be fair to a child... to not have a father figure, and to be raised on my meager income and time. But I think I'd be a lot less freaked out about dating if I didn't have the pressure of the biological clock, and if I knew I could at least get HALF of what I want.

 

You can always do this, and you can definitely make WAY more money in the future if you decide to, in your field. Hubby is in the same field, though has a lot of specialized certs (that can be easily gained), and makes a lot more than you report making, more than enough to raise a kid alone around here, if he wanted. You can find male figures that aren't parents for the child to look up to. Nothing wrong with single-parenting, if you really want a kid.

 

You don't need to decide now. You have time for this option as well, if it's what you want in the future! For sure. You have lots of time, though, V. Really.

[Eddie Edirol]

problem is, as long as youre not happy with yourself, you will never be happy with any man...thats just the way it is, so thats why you shouldnt be dating anyway. No man is going to help you with your issues just by being with him. No man is going to make you feel better about yourself just by dating one. You have very low self esteem now, and even if you are in a relationship, you will still have low self esteem, which will torpedo your relationship anyway.

 

Forget about dating for a while, learn to be happy with your hobbies and your life, and THEN start looking to date.

[Els]

V, 27 is way too young to even be thinking about doing AI, IMO. It's fine if you've decided that that is the life that you want, but you haven't - it's a move borne of pessimism and self-induced desperation. You're projecting far too deeply into the future. Besides, realistically, you say you don't have enough spare cash to see a doctor for the illness you've been suffering from, or therapy for your self-esteem issues. Getting a child now would NOT be a good decision in the least, not for you, and certainly not for the child. Give it some time - parenthood isn't something to be rushed into. In a few more years, when you have sorted out your issues, have stable finances and genuinely decide that you want to go the single parent route, then go for it.

 

If travel really makes you happy, then pack up and travel. I honestly gave this some thought, and think that it may be the best move for you. Drastic, yes, but it will do wonders in pulling you out of the rut you have dredged yourself in. Experiencing different places with radically different cultures does something for the mind and soul that cannot really be described with words.

 

So how do you do that? In the best way possible - get a working holiday visa and live with the locals for several months. That is IMO the best way to experience what a country truly has to offer, as opposed to a few-week 5-star-hotel hit and run. You do need a bit of cash to front that, to pay for the plane ticket and as a legal requirement, but frankly it's less than supporting a child for even one year.

[zengirl]

If travel really makes you happy, then pack up and travel. I honestly gave this some thought, and think that it may be the best move for you. Drastic, yes, but it will do wonders in pulling you out of the rut you have dredged yourself in. Experiencing different places with radically different cultures does something for the mind and soul that cannot really be described with words.

 

So how do you do that? In the best way possible - get a working holiday visa and live with the locals for several months. That is IMO the best way to experience what a country truly has to offer, as opposed to a few-week 5-star-hotel hit and run. You do need a bit of cash to front that, to pay for the plane ticket and as a legal requirement, but frankly it's less than supporting a child for even one year.

 

Worked for me. That's how I snapped myself out of my funk. I think V already lived in Japan once, though. I'm not sure if she expressed that period made her happier or not overall.

[Els]

Yeah, I recall V saying she'd lived in JP. But that's just one country (and frankly, no offense to Japanese, but it's one of the most superficial and stressful countries out there despite being a developed and lovely one), there are several more that she might find much more enjoyable.

[zengirl]

Yeah, I recall V saying she'd lived in JP. But that's just one country (and frankly, no offense to Japanese, but it's one of the most superficial and stressful countries out there despite being a developed and lovely one), there are several more that she might find much more enjoyable.

 

Oh, super true. Japan is very superficial and stressful (well the main cities are).

[verhrzn]

Worked for me. That's how I snapped myself out of my funk. I think V already lived in Japan once, though. I'm not sure if she expressed that period made her happier or not overall.

 

It was probably the most miserable. I really liked Japan itself, but living there sent me into such a deep spiral of depression I'm amazed I lasted a year. I think living in another culture would be very destructive for me. I have a hard enough time connecting with people in my own culture... in Japan, I not only failed to connect with the locals, I couldn't even connect with other foreigners. Worse yet, the friendships I'd spent years cultivating back home became really strained, and haven't ever fully recovered.

 

The happiest periods of my life have been when I'm in school. Yeah, the college atmosphere was nice, but more the "learning" aspect of it. I'd be an eternal student if I could afford it... but I can't, unfortunately. I've looked into taking night classes, but they cost way more than I could afford. And if I went back to school, even part time, it'd need to be for something "marketable" like more programming, but aren't really things I enjoy.

 

I actually am planning on taking a night class starting this summer for more CS certifications, since my company does tuition reimbursement. I'm not really looking forward to it, though... I'm doing it more because, that's where the jobs and the money exist.

[zengirl]

Okay, V.

 

Forget money for a minute. Sit down and think of one goal that is reasonably achievable and is not another person ("getting married" is a crap goal for this because you don't know who you want to marry, etc). Then work towards it. Whatever it is. Make sure it's specific.

 

Now, achievable does not mean, "you know exactly how you will accomplish it and afford it right now." You may have to work a little extra, save, get more certs and make more money, organize your time differently, etc, but you have to be OPEN to opportunities to work towards it.

 

But first think of some goals. You don't have to narrow it down to 1 right away. Just brainstorm first. You concentrate too much on why you can't get what you want and what you don't have. It keeps you from getting anywhere.

[Mme. Chaucer]

^^^^

 

Regarding zengirl's post;

 

The ONLY way I have been able to make changes in my life was to finally (after much head bashing) just forget about all the potential hinderances and imagine what I would really like to do - that was within the realm of possibility, and did not involve another person.

 

I did not necessarily realize these scenarios fully, but I moved towards them with a vengeance and got to a much different place. Better.

[verhrzn]

Okay, V.

 

Forget money for a minute. Sit down and think of one goal that is reasonably achievable and is not another person ("getting married" is a crap goal for this because you don't know who you want to marry, etc). Then work towards it. Whatever it is. Make sure it's specific.

 

Now, achievable does not mean, "you know exactly how you will accomplish it and afford it right now." You may have to work a little extra, save, get more certs and make more money, organize your time differently, etc, but you have to be OPEN to opportunities to work towards it.

 

But first think of some goals. You don't have to narrow it down to 1 right away. Just brainstorm first. You concentrate too much on why you can't get what you want and what you don't have. It keeps you from getting anywhere.

 

Um, I guess the friction is coming from "reasonably achievable." What would you say is a reasonable goal? Cause I honestly can't think of anyone. My current "goal" is "attempt to sew an apron." But that seems like a kind of junky long term goal...

[Els]

Okay, screw the 'reasonably achievable' bit then, since I have a niggly feeling that your definition of it is quite different from the rest of ours'. How about a goal that just doesn't involve another person's compliance?