My boyfriend has females as friends and I can't deal with it

[freestyle]

It sounds like she has stopped being friends with those men and even ignored their calls/texts because of the relationship, as she never saw them as real, fully platonic friendships to begin with. (That was my take.)

 

To me, if you stop being friends with someone solely because you're now in a relationship, you probably WERE making it more than a friendship and using that person as a surrogate for a relationship in some way. Bad news, IMO. (This is not to say that at phases of life we don't sometimes stop hanging out with our friends, but it's not usually just because we got a BF or GF. It's because people evolve and change and grow apart, and we usually still answer their calls or texts out of politeness and the friendship we once had.)

 

So, I would say she never had male friends. She had orbiters. Thus, she assumes her BF is an orbiter in his friendships or is keeping orbiters. It is easy to spot the difference between an orbiter and a friend if you try, and carhill's description is a great place to start.

 

 

I think it all boils down to knowing the difference between "orbiters" and true friends.

 

TRUE friends will not do anything to jeopardize/sabotage the romantic relationships of an opposite sex friend. (i.e. acting flirty with the friend, but aloof with the friend's romantic partner)

[zengirl]

I think it all boils down to knowing the difference between "orbiters" and true friends.

 

TRUE friends will not do anything to jeopardize/sabotage the romantic relationships of an opposite sex friend. (i.e. acting flirty with the friend, but aloof with the friend's romantic partner)

 

Right. With the rare exception of a situation where the partner in question is abusive or actually harmful to your friend in some way (which is tricky to handle), friends will always support the romantic relationships of their friends.

[brokenTom]

I think it all boils down to knowing the difference between "orbiters" and true friends.

No kidding. If you truly believe all men are like rabid uncontrollable dogs after steaks then fine, but at least recognize that's just how you feel not how the world works 100% of the time.

 

There are plenty of situations where a women makes an offer and the guy refuses because he doesn't want to jeoperdize a relationship, EVEN if he might want to on some primal instinctual level.

 

Guys aren't all simple-minded cave men, ya know. Some can be respectful and control their urges. If you think it's disrespectful to have ANY urges at all, that's a tough expectation you have for humans of all kinds, not just men.

[Quiet Storm]

Keep a dog so full of the food he's supposed to eat, he won't have room left for steak.

 

Just sayin'. I know it's possible, but how many men in a committed relationship who get lovin' whenever they want would be willing to risk screwing that deal for a one-time fling? I have known very few (being zero) cheaters who could say their woman kept them satisfied to the brink of exhaustion in the bedroom.

 

No. The dog can be full of steak and still have a taste for something different. (The difference between my dog and cat: I can leave my cat for a long weekend and set out four bowls of food & water and the cat will pace himself and eat when he's hungry. There is still some food when we return. If I left my dog four bowls of food, those bowls would be licked clean the first night.)

 

For some men, good quality sex with one woman does not satisfy their need for variety.

 

There are many married male cheaters who have adventurous sex with their wives, like being married, but still cheat.

 

It's not about their partner and the health of their relationship, it's about that individual man and what he feels that he needs in his life. Some men are happy and content with one woman, while others are a bottomless pit of need that one woman can never fill.

 

Many men have a need for validation. They look for feedback from women to prove to themselves that they are attractive, smart, successful. It's called ego stroking. These types often seek out other women to flirt with and talk to because they get high off the attention and admiration that these women give them.

 

I think if a man finds a woman friend attractive, having a wife or girlfriend is not going to stop his mind from thinking of her sexually. He may have the good sense and willpower to not act on those thoughts, but if he is attracted, it is a slippery slope.

 

My husband and I do not have friends of the opposite sex. We have coworkers and aquaintances, but we don't have personal calls, texts, lunches, alone time with anyone but each other. You need to decide, as a couple, what your boundaries are. If you can't come to an agreement that you can both live with, you are not compatible.

 

If a relationship is important to a man, he will do what he can to guard and protect that relationship, including giving up female friends, IMO.

[Jane2011]

No kidding. If you truly believe all men are like rabid uncontrollable dogs after steaks then fine, but at least recognize that's just how you feel not how the world works 100% of the time.

 

There are plenty of situations where a women makes an offer and the guy refuses because he doesn't want to jeoperdize a relationship, EVEN if he might want to on some primal instinctual level.

 

Guys aren't all simple-minded cave men, ya know. Some can be respectful and control their urges. If you think it's disrespectful to have ANY urges at all, that's a tough expectation you have for humans of all kinds, not just men.

 

Do you think all women can't be friends with a guy because they all want to sleep with them? What about homosexuals, are they all just exempt from your theories? What about age differences, like a young pre-teen boy with an middle age women? Does he really want to secretly bang her too? Are there really no exceptions to any of your rules?

 

I totally agree with all of the above. I get tired of hearing about how men can't be friends with an attractive woman.

 

I don't know if men mean for it to sound this way, but they're essentially making themselves look completely out of control when they say things like that. I think men can recognize that a woman is physically attractive and still not be salivating over her or necessarily want her, because they (the men) have some standards that go beyond the physical. Not to say there's something "wrong" with the woman, but maybe she is just not a romantic fit for him.

 

I have a number of male friends that I believe are truly "just friends" -- not orbiters, etc. -- that work for a variety of reasons.

 

1) a couple guy friends I have because they were friends with my ex-boyfriend while I was with my ex-boyfriend, and I became their friend too. Now that ex-bf and I are broken up, I'm still friends with these guys because they like me as a person (I talk to them separate from the ex-bf, go for coffee with them), but I'm sort of off-limits to them because I'm their friend's ex. But I don't think it's just that at all. I don't think they want me anyway. I know they think I'm attractive and that I have a likeable personality, but that doesn't mean I'm a romantic fit for them, and they behave as such. They also have their own girlfriends.

 

2) one male friend I have that "works" is due to the fact that we already tried it (got together) and it didn't work...but we're still friends. It was weird between us for about four months after we got together, but we're over it and are still good friends. We were also friends for three years before we got together, and that may have been easy because we both had significant others at the time. However, he was also just someone nice/cool to talk to. We were in the same profession and studied the same thing in school, *and had things to talk about*. I don't see why it's so hard to fathom that a man and a woman may just have interests to talk to each other about. Yes, there's sometimes sexual tension on the part of one person or the other (or both), but it doesn't usually overwhelm the dynamic to the point of distraction.

 

3) A few other male friends really just know I'm not particularly interested and they respect it. I know they'd date me if I were interested, but knowing I'm not, they're fine with just being friends, pursuing women who are interested in them, and still talking to me about things we share in common. They're not "orbiters" because I've been single for pockets of time in the past two years, and they've never pounced during those times, nor do they start to behave differently when I'm in a relationship or dating someone vs. when I'm not.

 

I give guys more credit than the way guys talk about themselves on here. I think guys (at least the ones I associate with) have dignity and that they aren't desperate for any woman who is single and kind of attractive. Yes, they're gonna be attracted to you if you're attractive, but that's not all it takes to gain their serious interest. They have to also have a particular romantic affinity to your personality and overall essence. That's a lot harder for any given woman to fulfill.

Edited April 12, 2012 by Jane2011

[Jane2011]

I do agree, though, that when one is in a long-term relationship, it's respectful to curb the amount of time one spends with opposite sex friends, if your partner requests it. Or if your partner says "I'd like to meet the friends, too," you can accommodate that. Having to eliminate the friends completely, though, I think is going too far.

[zengirl]

I do agree, though, that when one is in a long-term relationship, it's respectful to curb the amount of time one spends with opposite sex friends, if your partner requests it. Or if your partner says "I'd like to meet the friends, too," you can accommodate that. Having to eliminate the friends completely, though, I think is going too far.

 

I'd never want to seriously date a man who wasn't interested in meeting my friends (male or female)! Of course, the SO should get to meet your friends, opposite or same sex, if interested, and of course, the SO should be the time priority. Absolutely.

[freestyle]

No kidding. If you truly believe all men are like rabid uncontrollable dogs after steaks then fine, but at least recognize that's just how you feel not how the world works 100% of the time.

 

There are plenty of situations where a women makes an offer and the guy refuses because he doesn't want to jeoperdize a relationship, EVEN if he might want to on some primal instinctual level.

 

Guys aren't all simple-minded cave men, ya know. Some can be respectful and control their urges. If you think it's disrespectful to have ANY urges at all, that's a tough expectation you have for humans of all kinds, not just men.

 

I never expressed that belief---I'm not sure if you were directing that at me personally, or making a general statement.I'm not someone who buys into gender stereotyping, or makes blanket generalizations.

 

 

 

My belief is that it should be a case-by-case basis---depending on the history of the friendships, as well as the history of the individuals within a committed relationship.

 

For example--If I dated a man with a history of cheating---I WOULD raise an eyebrow at him having a lot of female friends.

 

My attitude would also depend on:

 

How open/transparent he was about those friendships......

 

Whether or not I was getting enough quality time with him, or if he was spread too thin because of those friendships.....

 

And how those female friends treated ME--being the new love interest in his life.

 

 

I believe the same could apply , if the gender roles were reversed.

 

 

I've personally been on both sides of this fence, in my own history.

I used to staunchly defend my right to have guy friends, even while in a committed relationship.

 

Now,that I'm a bit older, I've learned that a lot of those guys who I thought were friends, were orbiters. Turns out one was even sabotaging my love life, without me realizing it.....Anytime a new guy would approach me at a social event, my friend would show up within moments, to insert himself into the conversation. I was too naive back then to realize he was being territorial over me............Someone else pointed it out to me, and once I noticed, it was glaringly obvious. (Doh!!!)

[Negative Nancy]

No. The dog can be full of steak and still have a taste for something different. (The difference between my dog and cat: I can leave my cat for a long weekend and set out four bowls of food & water and the cat will pace himself and eat when he's hungry. There is still some food when we return. If I left my dog four bowls of food, those bowls would be licked clean the first night.)

 

For some men, good quality sex with one woman does not satisfy their need for variety.

 

There are many married male cheaters who have adventurous sex with their wives, like being married, but still cheat.

 

It's not about their partner and the health of their relationship, it's about that individual man and what he feels that he needs in his life. Some men are happy and content with one woman, while others are a bottomless pit of need that one woman can never fill.

 

Many men have a need for validation. They look for feedback from women to prove to themselves that they are attractive, smart, successful. It's called ego stroking. These types often seek out other women to flirt with and talk to because they get high off the attention and admiration that these women give them.

 

I think if a man finds a woman friend attractive, having a wife or girlfriend is not going to stop his mind from thinking of her sexually. He may have the good sense and willpower to not act on those thoughts, but if he is attracted, it is a slippery slope.

 

My husband and I do not have friends of the opposite sex. We have coworkers and aquaintances, but we don't have personal calls, texts, lunches, alone time with anyone but each other. You need to decide, as a couple, what your boundaries are. If you can't come to an agreement that you can both live with, you are not compatible.

 

If a relationship is important to a man, he will do what he can to guard and protect that relationship, including giving up female friends, IMO.

 

this hits the nail on head. good post.

[Quiet Storm]

If you read the infidelity boards or websites, you will see that many affairs begin as innocent friendships. Ask any marriage counselor, this is a common story.

 

Spending time with someone of the opposite sex and having personal conversations can foster a sense of familiarity.

 

The usual scenario is that the couple will get into an argument, and one partner (in this case I'll say the guy) will discuss the argument with his female friend. Since she is his friend, she will often be sympathetic and understanding to his side of the story. This can make him feel a connection to her, like she understands him better than his partner. He may start to question his relationship, wondering if his partner truly "gets him". His partner, on the other hand, may have a valid reason for the argument, but instead of him turning to her to discuss the matter and work it out, his outlet is his female friend. He begins to value her opinon more, because she is stroking his ego, by listening and caring. She is sympathetic to his plight, and even if friendship is her only intention, feelings may start to develop. This is what is commonly referred to as "the slippery slope", because what seems like a genuine friendship can quickly cross lines into something more. The situation can become quickly charged, where the partner becomes the outsider and the friend an ally. A simple brush of the arm, whiff of a scent, can stir up sexual attraction. A text conversation can turn flirty, and then to sexting. A few too many drinks can turn a happy hour into silly dancing, then they're grinding on each other....you get the picture. People can and do have self control, but they often get caught up in the moment, and like the excitement. People are often more selfish than they portray themselves to be (human nature). It's not that they can't stop themselves, it's just in that moment in time...they don't want to.

 

I know if you are in a dating relationship that has not hit the long term stage, this may seem extreme. However, the honeymoon phase will end in every relationship and settle into a more comfortable, but less exciting, kind of love. At this stage, both partners have to make an effort to nurture & protect the relationship. Any attention given to other people, especially talking to opposite sex friends about the details and problems in their relationship, can erode the intimacy in that relationship.

 

Many couples have experienced this. The thing is, nearly all felt in the beginning that the friendship was harmless. They don't purposely set out to cheat, but feeling so comfortable with another can make it easy for lines to get blurred and boundaries to get broken. We all would like to think our partners will have self control, but the reality is that there are many weak people among us, that really are not that strong in the face of temptation. The road to hell can be paved with the best intentions.

 

So my opinion is that in long term relationships (2 years or more) you should not put yourself in that position. Protect your relationship by putting an imaginary fence around your coupledom. Aquaintances and small talk is okay. But save your personal thoughts, feelings and emotions for your partner. It ends up causing unnecessary drama and triangulation, IMO.

[bikinibeach]

Please don't waste any more of your time. Dump this guy. He will make excuses. Stop listening to them! Your core values do not align so really, there's no where else to go from there.

 

His behavior is indicative of insecurity and the creatiion of what has been called a "narcissistic harem".

 

This website will save you from losers like that for life. PLease read this article!! Good luck

 

Narcissistic Harem’s In A Nutshell – Why it’s time to stop envying the ex and various hanger-on’s | Baggage Reclaim

[bikinibeach]

Please don't waste any more of your time. Dump this guy. He will make excuses. Stop listening to them! Your core values do not align so really, there's no where else to go from there.

 

His behavior is indicative of insecurity and the creatiion of what has been called a "narcissistic harem".

 

This website will save you from losers like that for life. PLease read this article!! Good luck

 

Narcissistic Harem’s In A Nutshell – Why it’s time to stop envying the ex and various hanger-on’s | Baggage Reclaim

[brokenTom]

I'm not sure if you were directing that at me personally, or making a general statement.

No worries, I wasn't sure from the post but I now see you and I agree

 

I definitely wish things were more fair in this world. When someone is not satisfied in a relationship and they go do a jerk-move, like stepping out of obvious boundaries, that is an extremely unfortunate situation. I'm also not proud to be associated to a group where it seems to be the norm rather then the exception.

 

I realize we all should get second chances in life, but if you are just out there in the world hurting people like that with no desire to change or avoid it, then I truly feel sorry for those people who were hurt and can understand those wanting to give the offender a nice kick to the groin.

[dasein]

Didn't read the whole thread, just up to where posters saying men and women can't be friends. I disagree, and have several platonic female friends. All are attractive enough for me to sleep with, most very attractive, and I would imagine they feel the same about me. Some are married, some in LTR, and I am friends with the husband too, just not as close as I am to the wife. Other men and women in my social circle also have several if not many platonic friends of the opposite sex. My parents do even. There are men who could call my house and take my mother out to dinner and my father wouldn't even give it a second thought.

 

There are people in the world who have gotten past relating to the opposite sex entirely sexually. Sometimes you meet someone, there may or may not be a spark, sometimes there is a sister/brother vibe, but whatever, you just both realize that though you may really like each other, a relationship would reveal core incompatibilities.

 

For example, one of my best female friends, a gorgeous woman, loves sports, watching them, talking about them, they are a very big part of her life and she expects to share that with the man in her life, going to games, sitting on weekends watching them. I hate watching sports or sitting around slinging BS about them, and ESPECIALLY hate going to stadiums and crowded sporting events, loathe and despise it (don't ask me to come to a tailgate unless there will be STRONG medications and libations present and available) grates on my nerves actually, so we wouldn't make a good pair. That's just one kind of example. We tell each other we love each other. If she asked and I knew she wouldn't get attached, would probably do her even, but have no designs to do so, not something I really think about when we are together.

 

OP sorry for the digression, but the way to tell real friends is if he is insistent on all of them becoming friends of the relationship, if not friends of yours, and takes real, proactive steps to make that happen. Real friends aren't just drinking buddies, they are almost never exes who have dated in the last year or so. If he isn't suggesting you get together with a particular female friend after a certain amount of dating, that's one to watch.

[piggyoink]

I have plenty of female friends, some of which are not single, and there aren't any issues. Its a question of trust and maturity.

[kaylan]

Men should not pay for some chicks meal if hes not dating her. Especially if she isnt reciprocating. She aint his woman. He needs to chill.

 

And based on his fooling around with his best friends girl, this guy sounds like a sleaze. I wouldnt date someone who had that kind of disrespect for their same sex best friends. If someone is easily able to break guy or girl code...they sound like sh!!ty dating prospects imo.

 

Based on that whole situation, I wouldnt trust that his female friends are only just friends. He shouldnt even be hanging around women he used to sleep with. At least not regularly. Mad disrespectful imo.

 

I wouldnt have ever dated a girl like this.

Edited April 13, 2012 by kaylan