My boyfriend has females as friends and I can't deal with it

[futuredentist]

Let me begin with a little background information first.. Growing up with divorced parents (divorced when I was 1 yrs. old), my mother would always be in serious relationships. My father always screwed around. He claimed he had woman friends but in reality, you don't kiss woman on the lips. He always put his girlfriends before his children, always told us he'd call and see me but most of the time never did. When my father would see me, he'd drop me off at my grandmothers. My grandmother told me later in life that my sister and I would cry thinking that our father would come pick us up and he wouldn't. When a new girlfriend came along, I wouldn't see him for 8 months at a time.

 

Here's my issue. I have had a lot of men that have been and still are "friends". There's not one of them who doesn't want more then friendship. Some of them (who were friends with benefits) still contact me to this day wanting to talk or "hangout". For me with my experiances, men and woman can't be friends.

 

I've been in a relationship for 5 months now. My boyfriend is so amazing. So sweet, so considerate. He is wonderful. EXCEPT he claims to have "friends" that are woman. He goes to lunch with a woman who is married atleast once or twice a week with most of the time paying for her meals. He's been very open about it. He's friends with this womans husband as well. I feel it's very uncomfortable and disrespectful, even when he has told me he finds this woman attractive. I've told him how I felt about it and he said "are you telling me who and who not to hang out with" I said "no, i'm just telling you how I feel, you never hang out with males during lunch only this woman". It fricken pisses me off. He's not even her manager, why the hell is he paying for her lunches.

 

Another time, we had a couple drinks and he was talking about som girls father he had spoke to regarding a matter. So I asked who the girl was since I never heard of her before. He said just a friend. I asked if he had ever dated or slept with her. He said "no". But then he says "I'm a male, ofcourse I'd sleep with her"

 

He also had a "friend" of 7 years that in the beginning he told me was a relationship. Well, I guess he lied and they were ONLY FRIENDS. They are still friends to this day even after she broke his heart. The friendship involved them spending the night together and only having sex twice throughout the 7 years (bull****) and fooling around. Yet, she left my boyfriend for his best friend, cheated on my boyfriends best friend with my boyfriend, then went back to my boyfriends best friend and married the best friend. My boyfriend claimed he loved her and still communicates with her till this day. Mind you, she is no longer with the best friend. She divorced the best friend and moved on to marry someone else.

 

Another incident involves a girl my boyfriend met a year ago when he went on a work trip to another state for 3 weeks. With stress, he went to a certain resturaunt everynight just about. With this he met a waitress that he somehow started talking to again through text (from what I know). I said how can you make a female friend that quick and be able to keep talking to them? Supposedly they didn't sleep together.

 

All in all. I don't agree with his womanly friendships that he claims are "just friends", I have "just friends" as well but most of them were more then friendships so I know better not to talk to them while in a relationship. I have had my so called male friends try and text/call me and I don't reply. I think when your in a relationship for the long haul, you shouldn't hang or speak to the opposite sex ESPECIALLY if they're single, or have a history with you, or that you find attractive. It's not morally correct when in a relationship. I don't do it because I don't want it done to me. I respect my boyfriend. I feel as if I should call one of my guy friends up and meet for lunch, so he can see how it feels, or all in all start talking and communicating with them since he said it wouldn't bother him. I do trust my boyfriend for very good reasons, I know he wouldn't cheat on me. Long story of why I know he wouldn't cheat. I just can't deal with this woman friends crap, it makes me so ANGRY inside. I feel if I break up with him over this, I will regret it because he is just about perfect in everyway except for his beliefs that he can have friends as woman. If I want to be with him I have to deal with it, but you shouldn't have to tolerate or put up with something in a relationship, especially this soon. I really don't know what to do and when it comes to PMS-ing, is when it bothers me and fills me with anger the most. Please Help, with any advice.

 

BTW, I do see a therapist once a month for the stresses in my life and history. She helps, but not that much.

Edited April 12, 2012 by futuredentist

[TaraMaiden]

your therapist is there as a sounding board... you're really meant to heal yourself with her guidance.

If you're not getting what you need, find a new therapist.

 

And i really wouldn't commit to a relationship if I were you, until you feel you can be comfortable with who you are and what others do....

[zengirl]

I don't know what to make of this. His work/lunch friend seems particularly innocuous since he's also friends with her husband. That suggests it's a healthy dynamic.

 

It sounds like your Dad calling women he was going out with "friends" when you were young really messed you up as to how women and men can relate beyond sexuality?

 

The 7 year friend situation sounds a little bit dramatic and messed up to me (I don't fully follow it though, but he was with that girl when she was with his best friend, and now they're friends? What's the content of their friendship?), but generally thinking someone is going to cheat or is being disrespectful simply by hanging around the opposite sex at all is beyond bizarre.

 

Does your BF also have male friends?

 

fwiwi, If he travels constantly, 3 weeks is plenty of time to make a friend you casually stay in touch with. I traveled a lot, and stayed in places for less than that, and still keep in touch with some people. Travelers tend to make friends faster than others.

 

There's just too much all wrapped up in here for me to pull it all apart and say whether these are red flags or not. I'd say that all friendships require healthy boundaries, and if someone has unresolved romantic feelings for someone (like the 7 year friend?) that could break a boundary, but I haven't really dated a man who DIDN'T have female friends (as well as male friends), and I've never been cheated on or given any cause to worry. That's not to say ALL people behave well, but a person who's going to cheat is going to do so regardless of whether they have opposite-gender friends.

 

Bottom line: It sounds like your "just friends" weren't friends. That doesn't mean his aren't. Plenty of people have sincere friendships with those of the opposite sex. The fact that they maintain those friendships WHILE coupled (and hopefully involve their partner in them eventually) generally suggests to me they're more sincere.

[rocketman122]

I think when your in a relationship for the long haul, you shouldn't hang or speak to the opposite sex ESPECIALLY if they're single, or have a history with you, or that you find attractive. It's not morally correct when in a relationship. I don't do it because I don't want it done to me.

 

well said. I agree 100%. I never had woman friends, never will. its either a relationship or nothing.and the woman I dated never had male friends.win win.

[Jane2011]

I felt the way you feel a long time ago. I didn't think one should associate in friendship with the opposite sex if one is in a serious relationship.

 

Not sure what happened, but I just...changed. I guess I started moving in circles where there really is 'just friendship' between men and women, and that brought me to a new way of thinking.

 

I think you should try to become comfortable with the idea of your boyfriend having female friends. If he's overly-close to one, and seems to have a particular 'thing' for that friend, it's understandable you'd have issues with that. But as long as he just has female friends, with none seemingly any more important than the other, or of particular note on his part, I think you should try to relax about it.

 

I sympathize with you in a way because six or seven years ago, I can see myself writing the exact same thing you did. I really like who I am more now, though (in that respect). I have innocuous friendships with men, and people in my general social circle do as well. It's very normal.

[Babolat]

I am male and I have female friends. 2 are married and they are probably my closent ones. We do not talk or see each other much though. When we do it's deep, thoughtful cool conversations. Both have said if they were single I would be there type and they would date me. I took this as a compliment, maybe flirting, yet innocent.

 

One female friend is dating and sometimes I do get a vibe from her that's more than friendship. She chats with me when she needs dating advice with her current boyfriend. She is going thru a divorce too and talks to me about that.

 

So can we men have female friends? I think so, though I think it depends on the man and the friend.

 

I want to add, like you, I have had the girls who I would go out with to have "fun" with while not in a relationship. Fun may not mean sex, but lots of flirting maybe. When I meet someone I like, like you I do not see them nor do I reply to their emails/texts. I recently met someone, we are not exclusive, only been 3 dates, yet I have been contacted by 3 girls since to "get together" and I have not replied. It simply does not feel right to me.

Edited April 12, 2012 by Babolat

[Ninjainpajamas]

Look, I'm going to be very honest with you about men and these so called "friends".

 

Men do not keep women as just "friends", even though that is their default status while they are in a relationship. Any competent man knows (just like he'd say he sleep with a friend because he's a MAN) well I'm going to pull the man card on him as well as another MAN and I know with every fiber and bone in my body that these are just potential women that are on the backburner in case this relationship doesn't work out...women do the same exact thing.

 

Who do you think he's going to cry about his problems to when you have relationship issues or he's stressing out about things he can't talk with you about? these women. And instead of having to communicate and work out things with you, these women are a scapegoat and oh so understanding because of the long "emotional" attachment he has created with these women. They are all in a very sneaky and under-handed way "cheating" on you already, not in an physical way necessarily but more emotional. Because If you don't make that grade that's ok, because his eggs aren't all in one basket anyway.

 

He also shows a lack of capability to get over the past and move on from emotional connections/past in relationship, he doesn't know how to close that chapter and he also is very interested in meeting new women and becoming "friends" with women which look innocent during a relationship. As a MAN I'm calling total BS on that, men would hate for you to believe it but It's the damn truth, just like a man would sleep with a hot woman who was her friend...there's a reason any other excuse a man gives you will never feel thoroughly satisfactory, it takes some self-manipulation and "acceptance" on a woman's part to "trust" a man so that she doesn't feel suspicious or insecure about her relationship...which as a man and a man who's done his share of wrongs and has a thorough understanding of how this works...you should be very alarmed and worried.

 

Of course men are going to cover this up by throwing the ball back in your court, blaming it on your insecurity or calling you jealous...MEN love to make you feel like you're the one being unreasonable when in fact they know that you are not...they just know that you're willing to try anyway and in fact men become accustomed to women wavering because they know in the end they'll stick around anyway.

 

Look, you could come up with any story in the universe of why he wouldn't cheat and unless his penis would fall If he did, personally I wouldn't believe it for the tiniest fraction of a second.

 

This guy clearly has open doors to women he's had past relationships with, we all know how people who've had a past and been intimate together are much more easily and likely able to end up back in bed together and ::gasp:: keep it on the hush, hush as they're fully aware of each others personal lives and don't want to jeopardize their relationships...It can almost be like a secret pact and like a dirty little secret.

 

"There's not one of them who doesn't want more then friendship"

 

Are you freaking kidding me? You are a woman, you know women and you really believe that crap?...you know what, I just came back from the moon, would you mind lending me 50,000 dollars because I'd like to make the trip back and trust me It's for a good cause!...my point being is how gullible can you be?

 

I sometimes wonder why people live in such denial when they full well know the reality of the world and life but no instead they turn a blind eye for the sake of their "awesome" love/romance that only seems to deteriorate over the course of the relationship when the magical 6mons to a 1yr starts to fade away and reveal the true person and his intentions and you can no longer bury the truth deep enough to neglect it.

 

This "perfect" man (btw how do you think he makes "friends"? ding ding ding, that's right...with this wonderful, charming, sweet, facade!) I mean darn, I can't imagine why these women don't feel the same way as you do when you think he's so awesome...It would be pretty weird wouldn't It if they happened to "hope" for a relationship with him as well too right? nah, women never do that! When they're wiling to be friends and sit on the back-burner while he goes through his "relationship"...they couldn't be possibly sitting around or willing to "explore" more with him or have that oh so damning "curiosity" level that neeeeever does women in right?...No you're right, women totally respect boundaries and neeever screw around w married men and men who are in relationships because they neeever do that, In fact I've never known any women even personally to do this or had friends that have done it....It's super rare!

 

And then you even catch the guys in half-truths or lies...not that personally I didn't see that one coming the more you talk about this guy...of course a guys going to tell you he's just a friend and never slept with her...what is he is going to say? Or I used to love banging this one chick, she's so hot in bed but you know what don't worry about I'm not going to hook up with her anymore? I mean..be for real here, what do you think the potential really is of hooking up with these women again had the situation presented itself by "accident" again? you really think any of these women give a damn about you and going to give you call and tell you about how he's a cheater? no! they're thinking "oh maybe he'll want to end up with me ::swooon to the clouds::"

 

Look as a man, you shouldn't trust this guy...I know what he's doing, I understand this process, I see his little safety net and how his charm, sweetness goes a long way with no just you but with a lot of women...It's funny how women think that it's just exclusive to them when do you realize how heavy he pours that on with other women as well? it's fun for him, and it's a safety net...It's a tease and exciting for him, he gets to play with fire and see how far he can push it before he gets burned. No man will be as honest with you as I am and hopefully you'll learn a thing or two from this post as I'm basically "selling out" a lot of men and wouldn't be surprised If I wrote books about the crap that I know that men wouldn't want to assassinate or lynch me for exposing so much but it's all the truth.

 

So take it as you want it, If he's really serious about you then you'd he'd cut off all of these women..but you know what? he won't because he's not done playing and he's not ready for something that serious If he does not. These other women will still be around when you won't, and you know what even one "broke his heart" and you know what? that's why he thinks he can do whatever he wants, play the field and still screw around with other women...because he's insecure and afraid to be left on his own, he uses that as an excuse for his behavior and ties to these other women, and you can tell him that because it's the truth...trust me he knows it, like I said based on everything you've said I know exactly what this guy is doing and he doesn't even see it or want to admit it...like most people with issues.

[Eddie Edirol]

I agree with Ninja. Your bf isnt letting go of certain relationships. But you dont get into a relationship with someone with the intention of changing them. Bottom line, you have to trust that he wouldnt cheat on you, or get out of the relationship. Thats your only choices. If you forbid him from hanging out with these women, he will see them on the sly. No one will get rid of their friends, otherwise they have no one as a support group if you leave them. Also, I think your ego is at play here, because you know he has people for an immediate backup plan if you leave him while you dont, thats your issue, not his.

[darkmoon]

this is not about your dad; it is about a rather uncaring boyf, i mean where are some compliments to you from him to make you feel ok? i have all sorts of permutations as friends and dress non-attractive to go visit family syle friends, i have a man who wants me now who has a female lodger so i do sympathise with you, i have walked away from him they may have an agreement but i never agreed to it, summer's here with ample chances to find someone kinder good luck to OP and me xx

[NeverDated]

What Ninjainpajamas said.

 

My boyfriend has three types of female friends

- Girls he wanted to date in high school/college, became close with, and stays in touch with because they've known each other forever. There are two of these.

- Much younger girls he has become protective of due to circumstances they were experiencing when they first met. He calls these few girls his "little sisters."

- Girls he only became friends with because he had a physical interest in them. This makes up the majority of his female friends. I know it, he knows it, and they all know it.

 

If he were to say to me, "I met [girl from category 3] for lunch today." I would lose it. There would be jealousy and questioning. We are in a serious, committed relationship, so he has absolutely no business meeting up with these "friends" outside a group setting. Definitely no business without me. He may have no (conscious) intentions of starting anything, but the women may decide they want to initiate. He may as well call it a date and cut the crap.

 

There have been a few times he's told me he took one of his "little sisters" for ice cream or coffee, and I'm OK with that. I know the conversation revolved around their college and/or boyfriend drama and they just wanted a shoulder to cry on.

 

You need to lay down some ground rules. A man in a committed relationship has no business going on solo meetings with any woman he is not related to or seeing in a business capacity. If he gets defensive or confrontational about the rules, he needs to walk. In my opinion, a serious relationship is a trial run for marriage (or some related LT commitment). Once you've hit the point that you're discussing a future together, it's time to see if both partners can agree on the rules they'll follow should marriage come to pass.

[carhill]

Since this behavior is apparently a trigger for you, OP, I echo and support your choice and commitment to therapy. Hopefully it will help clarify the past and its effects and separate that out from what is healthy today.

 

I'll give you my opinion on female 'friends' as someone who has had and still does have them:

 

The friendships are open and transparent. Relevant partners and spouses are disclosed and included. It is obvious that the primary relationship with partner/spouse is the focus for either friend.

 

Female friends have and do kiss me on the lips. In the past, when I was single, I might proactively do that as well. After being married and having an EA and attending marriage counseling, I changed that behavior and no longer do so proactively. I do kiss women on the cheek as a sign of affection and love.

 

My instinct, and it is only an instinct, is that this BF has a style of relationships which may be incompatible with your own, especially with your family history.

 

Question: Have the majority of your past boyfriends had a similar style? If no, what resulted in those relationships? As an example, say you've been with a man who had only male friends and was completely transparent about female colleagues and contacts and you were proactively introduced to them and he made certain everyone knew you were a couple. How did/would that go?

[brokenTom]

You need to lay down some ground rules.

I agree with this simple statement.

 

Everyone has different levels of tolerances and you can't expect a guy or gal to just conform to some theoretical "norm". It's not always a maturity thing, sometimes people are just brought up differently and have different attitudes on things. What IS mature is to be on the same page as your partner.

 

Make it clear what IS and what IS NOT acceptable, preferably early on in the relationship so you don't waste time learning as you go. Of course, you will always learn new things as time goes by, but figure out what you know NOW and make a list, sit down, and have the conversation.

 

If having these types of crucial conversations ends up breaking the relationship up, then you really saved yourself some time and grief.

[darkmoon]

OP has no need of therapy, she needs an attentive boyf - therapy for what? - a meathead who doesn't give a sh*t? the very suggestion adds insult to injury - Carhill only you are not on OP's side = naughty

Edited April 12, 2012 by darkmoon

[Negative Nancy]

My father always screwed around. He claimed he had woman friends but in reality, you don't kiss woman on the lips. He always put his girlfriends before his children, always told us he'd call and see me but most of the time never did. When my father would see me, he'd drop me off at my grandmothers.

 

unfortunately, this describes 99% of the men out there no wonder you have trust issues

[fortyninethousand322]

unfortunately, this describes 99% of the men out there no wonder you have trust issues

 

If this is true then women should go for the 1% of men who are too awkward and/or unattractive to get dates. That would certainly solve the problem of being insecure.

[carhill]

OP has no need of therapy, she needs an attentive boyf - therapy for what? - a meathead who doesn't give a sh*t? the very suggestion adds insult to injury - Carhill only you are not on OP's side = naughty

Therapy for the issues emanating from her FOO.

 

She has choices. Being in this relationship is a choice.

 

I don't see where I was on anyone's 'side'. I gave a marked example of a lesson I learned from my marriage, supportive of the OP's perspective. I noted a possible incompatible relationship style difference, which is a neutral assessment.

 

Thanks for your perspective.

[Fondue]

Admittedly, I did not read your entire post. I got to the part where you mentioned you had male friends of your own.

 

Then I thought, that's enough of a story for me. So how fair is it that you have your own male friends but can't deal with the fact that your bf has female friends?

[freestyle]

Admittedly, I did not read your entire post. I got to the part where you mentioned you had male friends of your own.

 

Then I thought, that's enough of a story for me. So how fair is it that you have your own male friends but can't deal with the fact that your bf has female friends?

 

 

The OP did mention that she's cut off communication with her male friends, now that she's in a committed relationship, out of respect for her relationship with her bf.

 

Sometimes it does help to read the entire post----

[carhill]

Admittedly, I did not read your entire post. I got to the part where you mentioned you had male friends of your own.

 

Then I thought, that's enough of a story for me. So how fair is it that you have your own male friends but can't deal with the fact that your bf has female friends?

OP, that brings on a relevant question. If you trust yourself enough to have male friends; e.g. you know that nothing romantic will happen with them, what's the difference between that trust and the style of trust you in yourself regarding your boyfriend and his female friends?

 

I'll use an example (not advice or actual events) of a difference: Your male friends are known to your boyfriend, have interacted with him and support your relationship openly and you trust your male friends in this regard. Your boyfriend's female friends are not known to you personally; you have no method of interacting with them and their support of your relationship is unknown to you. Those are style differences, each resulting from choices by the relevant parties.

 

Since you have ended your relationships with your male friends, something I might take issue with independently, does that reflect your perspective and style that one cleaves only to their spouse and partner and has no opposite-gender friends when in a relationship? Again, it goes to style and style differences.

Edited April 12, 2012 by carhill
more information

[Negative Nancy]

If you trust yourself enough to have male friends; e.g. you know that nothing romantic will happen with them, what's the difference between that trust and the style of trust you in yourself regarding your boyfriend and his female friends?

 

men cannot be trusted because they can't be just friends with women; secretly they always wanna bang them and would in a heartbeat if the opportunity presented itself.

 

it's like expecting a dog to be just friends with the steak.

[zengirl]

The OP did mention that she's cut off communication with her male friends, now that she's in a committed relationship, out of respect for her relationship with her bf.

 

Sometimes it does help to read the entire post----

 

It sounds like she has stopped being friends with those men and even ignored their calls/texts because of the relationship, as she never saw them as real, fully platonic friendships to begin with. (That was my take.)

 

To me, if you stop being friends with someone solely because you're now in a relationship, you probably WERE making it more than a friendship and using that person as a surrogate for a relationship in some way. Bad news, IMO. (This is not to say that at phases of life we don't sometimes stop hanging out with our friends, but it's not usually just because we got a BF or GF. It's because people evolve and change and grow apart, and we usually still answer their calls or texts out of politeness and the friendship we once had.)

 

So, I would say she never had male friends. She had orbiters. Thus, she assumes her BF is an orbiter in his friendships or is keeping orbiters. It is easy to spot the difference between an orbiter and a friend if you try, and carhill's description is a great place to start.

[NeverDated]

men cannot be trusted because they can't be just friends with women; secretly they always wanna bang them and would in a heartbeat if the opportunity presented itself.

 

it's like expecting a dog to be just friends with the steak.

Keep a dog so full of the food he's supposed to eat, he won't have room left for steak.

 

Just sayin'. I know it's possible, but how many men in a committed relationship who get lovin' whenever they want would be willing to risk screwing that deal for a one-time fling? I have known very few (being zero) cheaters who could say their woman kept them satisfied to the brink of exhaustion in the bedroom.

[fortyninethousand322]

My stance on men and women being friends is that it's impossible unless it falls into one of three scenarios:

 

1. One or the other party is drastically less attractive than the other.

2. The two have known each other for a very long time. Perhaps there was a window at some point for something more to develop but it passed and everyone moved on.

3. One or both parties is involved in a satisfying relationship and has no interest in jeopardizing it.

 

Being a single man myself, I could never truly be friends with a single, attractive woman (with one exception, a girl I've known for a long time). Attractive taken girls, sure but not single ones. OP, if your boyfriend falls into one of the above three situations you should be fine.

[Babolat]

If you want further confirmation, just look at facebook. I have female friends who will post a photo of themselves. Their male friends will comment with something like "Looking sexy" or "Wow, you look so beautiful". Is it harmless..I doubt it.

[carhill]

When those male friends face the lady's husband/partner and look him in the eye, I trust they'll have a cogent and meaningful explanation for their behavior. This describes the difference between 'virtual' and 'real'. In my comments in this thread, I'm talking about 'real' friends, those whom we interact with and share the joys and sorrows of our lives with, in person, pressing flesh. If the OP is discussing other kinds of friends, ignore my comments. I inferred real life friends since there were examples like the married woman he takes to lunch often.

 

OP, does your BF have facebook female 'friends' who make such comments to him like 'looking sexy' or 'wow, you're hot' and, if so, do you know these women personally? How does that go? Same for you.