What's going ON IN HIS HEAD? Will he ever want me back or shall I give up and go?

[lady_jadie]

Hi again everyone

 

It's been a while since my last posts, and re-reading them has made me a bit sad. But I'm still soo confused about my ex, and seeing as I've pretty much drained my friends going over and over everything I thought I'd reach out to you guys again, just for a bit of advice (as between all the members there is a LOT more life experience etc than my few friends, and my mum)

 

Well it's been about nine months since my ex and I broke up, it was a mutual break up of sorts, in that we both did not want to break up at all but basically couldn't carry the relationship on with my mh problems... it wasn't just me, I was dissatisfied in the relationship because he is six years older than me and spent a lot of time before he met me shagging around, travelling, living his life basically and gave me the impression that being with him we'd have adventures, travel, but all more meaningful because he'd never done that stuff 'with someone who actually meant something to him and that would be so much better' (his words). Well when we'd been together a year he really got his slippers on, didn't want to go out would rather stay in smoking weed, watching tv and playing videogames. Which I loved too, and he said he didn't want or need to go out, he had me andthat was the best thing in the world.. I think he was a little depressed too, he hates his job and works for his family's business building sheds, he feels belittled by his father (always has) and stopped doing the thing he loved most (painting, art) and bothering putting his stuff up in exhibitions etc. The first year was amazing, we socialised, he was happy, but then this staying in/ himjust getting back from work, lighting a joint and putting on FIFA on the PS and that was the evening, him screaming at the football videogame, became a lot more frequent than I'd liked. i.e all the time. I tried to make myself the part of his life that was good, ran his bath, cooked his dinner, comforted him when he was disollusioned about life, and he always said I was the best of everything that he'd ever had, his best friend, best lover, he'd say how he was amazed at how intimate he was and how comfortable he was and that I was the only girl who'd ever loved him for just him, but when it got to this slow part I just started being bored, I wanted that adventure and it seemed like he'd just gone, 'met the love of my life, time to sttle down'

So I started to resent the girls he'd done stuff with in the 'exciting' (in my eyes) part of his life, and led to all the arguments (detailed in other threads)

Then we broke up, we both didn't want to, etcetc, then i went away to this trauma clinic for three months. I didn't tell him because i thought if he didn't hear from me he might start to think and wonder and want me back... but i didn't hear from him at all. not a peep. so those 3 months i worked on myself, my issues, then the day i got back i got a text from him saying, 'Hi, I've known where you've been for the last three months, just so you know. I wasn't ignoring you, just didn't want to mess up any good that has been done'. I didn't reply. an hour later i got another text (i forget what it said now) that I also didn't reply to. ten minutes after that another text, 'well, i'd love to hear from you, if you want that'

I rang my best friend (who lives next door to him) and she said, that that afternoon he'd called her asking to go around. she did, and he basically spent half an hour telling her how much he's missed me, that he didn't want to undo anything i'd gained from the treatment centre, that he thought about me every day, he'd had an awful new years eve and gone home early because he couldn't stop thinking about me, that with all other girls he'd seen he'd known after a couple months it wouldn't work, but he'd never gotten over me... My friend said he'd even started welling up at one point. She said to him that he should just tell me all this, that i needed to know. that's when he texted me the above stuff. so we met up for a coffee, and all he talked about was playstation games and generic stuff! the only thing he said re.'us' was that he'd been sad when some game came out and he had to play it on his own because we'd been excited about playing it when we were together!

Oh, and he said he'd buy me a drink on my birthday which was 2 days later.

I left very confused, obv.

On my birthday i texted him saying 'I'm in *the pub i was in* if you wanna buy me that drink' and got the reply 'sorry, sofa for me tonight. have a lovely time though'

which made my night a bit crapper.

week later, an annoyingly generic text asking me if i'd had a lovely birthday, how was college, he hoped i was ok. I didn't bother replying because i was annoyed about the birthday thing, and maybe a part of me hoped he'd try and text again (i know...) which he didn't, and since then I've just been obsessed I guess about how he really feels, wondering why he said that stuff to my friend and not me, i made a first move by texting him to ask if i could take some pics of our chinchilla, went over, we got on really well, he told me how he was unhappy with work/his new flatmates etc, I left feeling really happy. then no contact from him.

I did the taking pictures of our chinchilla again a couple of weeks later, got there and he said he was off work cos he'd hurt his back, and had a drs app in half an hour. So i was ready to go and then he asked if I'd walk to the drs with him.. I did because i was meeting a friend and had some time to kill. I waited for him when he was in there, he thought I'd gone and seemed pleased I was there when he got out. He then asked if i wanted to go for a drink, so we did, again got on really well, he hinted again at being dissatisfied with his life,

 

i'm waffling i know, and much appreciation if you bothered to read the whole post, i'll cut it off here but i guess the short question is that he seems quite alone, i've seen him out about twice with people he never really liked when we were together, he just sits in alone most of the time i think, and I'm just so sad, I'm so happy when we spend time together but No idea what he wants, we get on so well, and I just live my life thinking about him, dream of him (horrible, bacause it's so out of my control) and terrified he's over me and/or is going to meet someone else soon

 

God that was an effort to write, sorry again everyone, not even sure if i've articulated it all right, but it is all so limbo.

 

my mum just says she thinks he still cares/loves me but is too scared of going back to the hell of when i was really ill and all the arguments from that.

 

Urghhhh

 

any ideas? people in same situations?

 

xx

[Philosoraptor]

It certainly doesn't sound like you were very happy with your life with him to begin with. He seems to be past the phase in life that you were looking forward to experiencing.

[HollyBolly]

Hello Dear,

good day,am Deborah Wali,a humble beautiful nice looking girl,

who love to see something new,i saw your profile today and it was nice

to me,please permit me to know you more,here is my private Email

([email protected])please do reply me as to send you my pics,

and tell you more about myself,please dear do remember my Email,

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Deborah,

 

LMAO

[SilverBlueAndGold]

LMAO

 

Yea there is something morbidly ironic about the timing of that one...

[HollyBolly]

Yea there is something morbidly ironic about the timing of that one...

 

OMG! That post just made my day! I was having such a crappy day until I saw that. I'm STILL laughing! Thank you, Deborah Wali. LOL

[HollyBolly]

Lady_Jadie...is there something wrong with just coming outright and asking him?

[lady_jadie]

My pride, mainly. I just keep getting these breadcrumbs and it's been going on so long, my mind is f**d. The other night I went to a pub and he was there, and he waited til I went to the toilet and then came and talked to me when I came out, then for the rest of the night I kept seeing him looking at me out of the corner of my eye, then as we left he was looking at me and sort of smiled, i carried on walking then looked over my shoulder and he was STILL looking at me, headf**k major. why would he do that if he wasn't interested? but then my head tells me he knows my number, and it's not like he's turned up at my house declaring undying love for me. But then my friend says every time she sees him he asks about me, he even talked to her mum about my saying the artwork I's shown him when I went over to take chinchilla pictures was really good...

 

Thing is, my negative mind (I still suffer major depression/low self confidence) tells me if I asked him outright he'd just laugh and say he was only trying to be polite or nice, and this knowledge would destroy me.

 

It's been like 8 months, why am I not over him?

[spicolli]

I would say the major reason you aren't over him is bc of your low self esteem and self worth. You can't possibly see yourself doing better, which is why you still view him as your only viable option. Personally, I think you can do better if you actually try. That is not to say he isn't a good person or anything of the sort. But he isn't selling what you want to buy. You're looking for excitement, he is content with the weed and video game scene. If you're in the phase of your life where this isn't your idea of a good time, then you are going to force yourself to be content. You will 100% regret this down the line and it will destroy any shot of a successful relationship.

I am not trying to tell you how you feel, but offering advice bc I, Personally, have very low self esteem. I don't approach many girls due to this, and I am still not 100% over my breakup (happened around the same time as yours) bc of it either. I don't ask about her, I changed my number, don't look at her fb, and don't care what she does or who its with, but in my heart of hearts I know I'm not fully over her. All bc I don't see how I can do better.

I would honestly leave this person be. I don't see you being very compatible the way each of you are right now, and I think he is being immature. The reason I say this is bc he says all the right things to your friends but nothing to you. Either he is trying to save face with your friends so you look like the bad person, or he can't just man up and tell you how he feels. Either way I feel as though he is genuinely lacking in maturity and true life experience.

I truly hope I have helped.

[lady_jadie]

thankyou. I feel like this is a really genuine, heartfelt answer, and I guess I think you're right, even though there is a real bitch part of me that is just gripping onto the last glimmer of hope. Even if I wish it would just LET GO.

 

I hope you find the inner love you need to get over your ex. I'm currently trying hypnotherapy to try to improve my self worth. I'm sick of medication, and the countless other therapies I've tried just haven't worked.

 

Makes you wonder what the hell gives some people so much confidence (even when they don't have much to be confident about) and what makes some people so self loathing..

 

Thanks again x

[spicolli]

You are very welcome. But here is the thing, don't say things like "the bitch part of me" you're human and you have an obvious physical and emotional attatchment to him. Its completely understandable. As for me, I too hope I find the strength to get over her. She left me for dead to go back to her ex after two years, so in actuality I shouldn't be struggling to get over her at all. But I continue anyway.

You will definitely get over this, it is just a matter of putting yourself out there and learning that although this may be a good man, he is not a good man for you. Hang in there.

[jphcbpa]

Wow he sounds like a fantastic catch, can't believe someone has not swooped him up these past 8 months

[lady_jadie]

Spicolli- yeah. I go from thinking he is a good guy and it may have been a case of right person, wrong time, to swinging over to 'he's such a d**k, he's a selfish self absorbed b-tard and I'm better off without him' - but you're right, even though it's been (what my friends tell me is) ages and I 'should be over it by now', I know I'm not. I also know it's not just to do with him, but my own issues, which have gotten much worse since I met him,, I can't figure out if it's because he had the capacity to make me feel really really good about myself for a while, then the inevitable happened and my issues and his not meeting my needs just caused me to crash harder.. I can't even sing along to songs I used to love before I even knew him without crying (and I'm talking sweet heavy rock songs not lovey ballads even)

 

But I get what you're saying about how you 'should' be over your ex, bc she f'd you over, but that's just not how our minds work, so yeah don't beat yourself up with shoulds, you weren't in the wrong which makes it maybe all the more galling. You seem really strong and I hope you meet someone decent you deserve it.

 

And Jp, I know, all my friends say the same thing, he's not that great (I've been crying to them that he'll DEFINITELY have a new gf by end of (last) summer/Christmas/have F*d some slut by new year/ etc etc and (as far as I know) I haven't seen or heard of him with any girl at all. However he seems to attract more than I can, or at least did before I met him... But yeah, to my silly head he is gorgeous and great and I can't see anyone seeing him differently. I felt the same about my last two BFs though and now I see them a little differently... funny how the mind works (not in a ha ha way )