out of shape lack of passionate sex

[kassy]

I think it is great you are going to a therapist again. I know what it's like to be out of shape and not feel sexy. It sucks. But you seem to be taking it way out of proportion. Not just in not having sex and showing off your body but also not working because of it.

 

I have a strange suggestion. Since you love sport why not take up triathlon? Join a club meet some new friends/ potential clients. But also because I found even going back to triathlon when heavier it made me just accept what I look like and get over it and enjoy the training and especially the racing. Running around in your swimmers isn't fun at first but you forget about it fast. I think it has really helped me personally be accepting of my body. And it's fun, social and very rewarding.

 

You say you aren't depressed but I think you are. And you need to make more friends who have similar interests. If not triathlon how about joining a running club or something. Also doing events in any sport will look great on your PT CV.

 

I really think you shouldn't take time away from sex to sort this out. You can do it without stopping your life. Your life seems to have gone in extremes and it's great you conquered your eating problems. Now you need to learn to have a balanced lifestyle and to just believe your boyfriend when he says he finds you hot. Channel your inner goddess hehe best of luck I'm sure you will work it out.

[RedDust]

OP is being VERY selfish. Her boyfriend loves her the way she is, like most girls would kill for a guy like that. She in tern, denies him sex and pushes him away, thus making HIM feel UN-sexy and UN-desirable.

 

Misery loves company i guess.

Edited April 12, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Unnecessary and personal

[rocketman122]

LOl - taking time apart was my suggestion, that he is not really accepting...

 

He rang and he is coming over. He says I am still hot to him, he WANTS me to walk around naked and flaunt my body EVEN when I am not in shape.

 

WHen out of shape, he said he still finds me hot and would rather I show off and tease him more even when I am not fit.

 

 

damn crappy leg workout. dont take time apart, it will hurt the relationship. I truly believe you are very hot to him still. get a red light bulb, or light 2 candles and turn the lights off to make it dim so you feel more comfortable. it makes it more mysterious and seductive as well.

 

I told you! just go for it girly! we perceive ourselves differently than others perceive us. he's telling you and showing you. but youre uncertainty is killing it. you dont have to even talk to get him to give you what you need. do what I said above, call him to the room, wear his button down shirt closed partly, tease him with your body and see how quickly he shoves his tongue in you! a woman doesnt need to do much at all to get her man ready to go.

 

like I said, my GF is far from being thin and she can drive me CRAZY when she so readily flaunts her body in front of me with such confidence. and again, she is not thin. even stocky I would say.

[RedDust]

damn crappy leg workout. dont take time apart, it will hurt the relationship. I truly believe you are very hot to him still. get a red light bulb, or light 2 candles and turn the lights off to make it dim so you feel more comfortable. it makes it more mysterious and seductive as well.

 

I told you! just go for it girly! we perceive ourselves differently than others perceive us. he's telling you and showing you. but youre uncertainty is killing it. you dont have to even talk to get him to give you what you need. do what I said above, call him to the room, wear his button down shirt closed partly, tease him with your body and see how quickly he shoves his tongue in you! a woman doesnt need to do much at all to get her man ready to go.

 

like I said, my GF is far from being thin and she can drive me CRAZY when she so readily flaunts her body in front of me with such confidence. and again, she is not thin. even stocky I would say.

 

I call BS on that! We Men need to be stimulated too, we are not dogs.

Edited April 12, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Unnecessary and personal

[veggirl]

*sigh* now that I think about it, I am being picky.

 

 

He says that touching my stomach, seeing my bare skin, makes him horny. THAT is the type of horny he says he needs, to trhow me down and madly want me.

 

Yes, you are being picky.

 

Why don't you believe your BF when he tells you he is happy with how you are?

 

He just rang me, and I told him how I felt. He sais it offends him, because he feels the sex life is great, and he gets me off all the time...

 

..thing is, he doesn;'t. He brings me to orgasm about once per week.....

 

He agreed that I should not hude my body, as showing it to him will greatly improve his desire for me, sexually.

 

 

He is happy with the sex life and cannot see why I am not.

 

I think I need time apart.

 

I have such a great time with him and feel soo happy. I just need to feel the guy I love wants me, sexually.. More than going down on me, when I ASK him to, once or twice a week.

 

Does he know you only get off approx 1x per week?

[rocketman122]

I call BS on that! We Men need to be stimulated too, we are not dogs.

 

who the hell said obese? I didnt say fat but not thin by any measure. why the insults? keep your damn criticisms about my GF to yourself. and I wrote about getting "started". what do you need a 10 minute lap dance to get you worked up? Im ready to go in 2-3 minutes. maybe youre desensitized with the internet porn. it happens a lot to men today. It happens to me sometimes so I dont watch any the 2 days before I see her.

Edited April 12, 2012 by rocketman122

[Yare]

Hum If you are a personal trainer then why even ask for help here in your situation? you are making it seem like you are in an terrible situation without any solution..when the simple and most obvious answer to your question is to incorporate some exercise in your daily life...and develop a better diet...Part of being a personal trainer is designing different fitness programs to reach different fitness goals...and knowing lots about nutrition..Can you tell me what CPT certificate do you have?

Edited April 12, 2012 by Yare

[prune juice]

I Have let myself go, and am out of shape and unfit:( I do not let my boyfriend touch my body, which he says he needs to do in order to get horny and want me badly.

When I met my boyfriend over a year ago, I was super fit, worked out EVERY day, and was skinny, but with killer curves.

NOW, I am just... Lets justs say, I have a tummy that is round, NOT flat.

Even when I was just moderately fit, DID NOT work out every day, I was reasonably proud of my figure! I at least let my boyfriend see me naked often and touch my body!! Now, it is to the point where my body is not physically even FIT; not FIT. Not HEALTHY. Just ..... average. Bearable, but not pleasant to look at naked.

 

In turn, this has affected my sex life. To get horny, my boyfriend needs to touch me, see my body, for me to be confident enough to showcase what I have got. He loves my body and tells me all the time.

These days, I am so disgusted by my protruding stomach, that I shrugg him off and push his hands away when he touches my stomach, hips, and even bum:( My best feature:(:(

 

WIthout being able to touch my body at all, of course he does not feel like sex as much. Sure, there is a greater connection to sex besides the body...

The thing is; he works very long hours now, gets up early, has a labour intensive job, and is buggard after work.

Without even being able to TOUCH me and get horny by my body, he has less energy to get " horny through my personality". At best, it makes him want to go down on me occasionally, as that is how he shows he loves me, and does after a day of feeling extra close and amazed by what a great person he thinks I am.. BUt it is not often. He needs a combo of sexual and pesonality traits that make him want me, sexually.

 

People on here know about my eating disorder. I am not depressive over my weight; I DO NOT want to lose weight and be skinny. I simply want to work out most days and be figthing fit again. Even if I lose NO weight, that is cool. I have absolutely no urge to be too skinny, and have no urge to starve and sufffer ever again.

Furthermore, I know that I can only derive very little true happiness and contentment, out of my body. I need to have a rich life outside of my BODY. I know this. I am not seeking to starve myself again, As I know I will derive absolutely NOTHING out of it.

Since discovering love and happiness from my boyfriend and his little dogs, I no longer have any desire to be thin or base my self worth on being skinny.

.... I really just need to work out again and get into SHAPE. I am actually UNFIT, and not even toned anymore! I do not care about weight loss, I just want to tone up and be a fit women.

 

That said, I have no times with my boyfriend where I feel he badly wants me. It is more like " hmm I am extra horny I have not masturbated in ages lets go to the bedroom I feel like getting off". He is happy to get me off, but it is never random; he never just wants to grab me, carry me to the room, and throw me down on the bed.

I miss it:(. He did that once before. ONly once I can remember, where he literally carried me to the bedroom, and went down on me and showed he really wanted me.

We have a strong connection, but without my body to show case, and without me showing off my fit body, there are never times he really wants me badly.

Perhaps we do not have strong chemistry to begin with? I DO for him:(

 

He tells me he wants me badly, but I do not see or feel it often. Part of it is because I do not let him touch my body, because I AM grossely out of shape. Another part, is perhaps is does not have a high sex drive? Although, he does say he gets horny a lot... I think he just does not have a super high sex drive!

He has no chest hair, and not thick pubes... Hair is a sign of more testosterone, I have heard.. perhaps he has low testosterone?

 

this doesn't add up. your are letting yourself go and it may be just in your head, but your withholding sex? is there another guy? is he a bad boyfriend? withholding sex is punishing him.

[Nightsky]

OP is being VERY selfish. Her boyfriend loves her the way she is, like most girls would kill for a guy like that. She in tern, denies him sex and pushes him away, thus making HIM feel UN-sexy and UN-desirable.

 

Misery loves company i guess.

 

She's just thinking about things here. Try not to be so judgemental its not good for your mind.

 

She isn't responsible for his missery any more then he would be responsible for hers. She doesn't sound miserable at all by the way just like a person who enjoys bettering themselves.

[Negative Nancy]

From what I have read of your post Leigh, you complicate everything way too much.

 

this sums up 99% of her posts

[Mme. Chaucer]

Leigh, you overthink and over analyze WAY too much. I have a feeling it's difficult for you to control doing this. Maybe you're a little obsessive/ compulsive? The problems with it are that you spend too much time in your head, AND, you usually (from my perspective) seem to be on the wrong track with your analyzing anyway. Your thought processes seem to be never ending rabbit holes that don't lead you to a good place.

 

In this situation, it seems that you are linking together many things in incorrect ways.

 

There is the issue that you have "let yourself go" and you are unhappy with yourself about it.

 

There is the issue of you holding back sexually with your boyfriend and the effects that is bound to have on your relationship.

 

There is the issue that he doesn't "want you badly" enough, which you are linking to your body image - but really is likely to be a NORMAL part of a long term relationship, for many couples.

 

Obviously you've been off of your fitness routine for a while, but you've been spending all this time here on LS sharing about threesomes; never mentioning your lack of security about your body. And now, you share that you are unhappy with your body and won't let your boyfriend see or touch you. Those things don't add up well, Leigh.

 

I am SO glad you are going to start therapy. PLEASE follow through with it. Don't give up even if you feel like it isn't working. You have done a lot of very positive things for yourself and now it's time for you to have some help pulling them all together, and to learn some new tools to help keep you on a healthy path.

[FitChick]

I was trying to... but each time I was ready to type a reply you posted another message. Sometimes I swear you like talking to yourself!

 

Plus "some people" need to learn to edit their posts because they say the same thing over and over ten different ways. I find myself just ignoring them now.

[Els]

I'm not sure how you extrapolated him 'needing to touch you' to 'him needing to see/touch your FIT body', Leigh. Why do you keep doing this to yourself??? You claim that you are completely healed from your body dysmorphic disorder, but IMO, your posts here over the years have shown otherwise. Improved, yes - healed, no. I mean this in the kindest way possible. Please seek help.

 

Of COURSE people need to touch each other to enjoy sex, for the most part. How would you feel if your bf developed a small tummy and refused to ever allow you to look at him naked or touch him???

 

It isn't your body ruining this, it's you.

[RiverRunning]

I have to agree strongly with those who are saying, "This is an inside job."

 

Sure, most of us would love to look like people on T.V. Some of us, in fact, do look that way. But in addition to treating our bodies as well as we can, we have to come to some inevitable conclusions: we are going to age. Wrinkle. Our looks will eventually fade. Sometimes, you're going to feel depressed and get a little bloated, put on a little weight (what matters is that you eventually get this under control - putting on 5 or 10 pounds is one thing. Putting on 50 or 100 is another).

 

You really have to learn to roll with that and find something about yourself that makes you feel sexy - don't base it all on your weight. Go have your hair done. Put on some make-up, wear a sexy perfume. Take a relaxing bath beforehand. Have a glass or two of wine before sexy time.

 

This may sound ridiculous, but I'm still like 40 - 50 pounds overweight. Despite that, sometimes I feel like I am the sexiest person alive. Because I've learned to be more in tune with who I am internally - my body is merely my vehicle for getting around in this life, not who I am. And regardless of the fact that I'm not the size I'd like to be, I've got a killer smile, awesome hair and a nice chest.

 

I think going to therapy, like you said you intended, is your best bet. This is an inside job.

[CarrieT]

each time I was ready to type a reply you posted another message. Sometimes I swear you like talking to yourself!

From what I have read of your post Leigh, you complicate everything way too much.

Yes, you are being picky.

Why don't you believe your BF when he tells you he is happy with how you are?

Hum If you are a personal trainer then why even ask for help here in your situation?

Leigh, you overthink and over analyze WAY too much. I have a feeling it's difficult for you to control doing this. Maybe you're a little obsessive/ compulsive? The problems with it are that you spend too much time in your head, AND, you usually (from my perspective) seem to be on the wrong track with your analyzing anyway. Your thought processes seem to be never ending rabbit holes that don't lead you to a good place.

It isn't your body ruining this, it's you.

 

Are you reading what people are telling you - like I summarized above?

 

Leigh, so far there are 39 posts in this thread and 14 are from you.

 

You seem to want to rant over and over about your problems without editing your thoughts and it becomes apparent that you aren't listening to what is being suggested.

 

There is an inherent frustration for some of us that have been here to want to ignore the "posters who cry wolf" and you are becoming one of them; you start threads about roughly the same problems (wolves in different clothing, as it were) but don't seem to be taking any steps towards solving those problems other than "taking a break" from you relationship.

 

How is that beneficial when the core of the issues is inside you?

 

And you are a professional personal trainer? Physician, heal thyself... IF it is only a physical problem - although I, and many others, believe it to be a far deeper, emotional/psychological issue(s) that needs dealt with.

[FitChick]

You seem to want to rant over and over about your problems without editing your thoughts and it becomes apparent that you aren't listening to what is being suggested.

 

There is an inherent frustration for some of us that have been here to want to ignore the "posters who cry wolf" and you are becoming one of them; you start threads about roughly the same problems but don't seem to be taking any steps towards solving those problems

 

You've heard of the Green Party, the Libertarian Party -- we need to start the Pity Party. Whenever I see one of those people (you know who they are) starting yet another thread I just move on to the next.

[Nightsky]

I think theres more than one way to use a site like this. I understand people get frustrated with the OP but she does get a lot of responses.

 

For one here constant posting bumps her thread. Also by just writing a stream of conciousness it lets her write something efortlessly with out thinking much. This should be seen for what it is a thereputic value of getting what needs to come out, out of you. Also she gets the added bonus of knowing people are hearing her that it isn't in silence.

 

I think a lot of what she struggles with is very normal and its very easy to say... Just be happy naked, be confident about whether you want or don't want your bf. Those things though are really hard to do for a lot of people even the people hear giving advice. I mean relationship problems happen for all sorts of reasons.

 

There does seem to be a type of insanity in the way she posts but I find it very refreshing actualy and in a way a lot more sane than the way others post their problems and are never questioned like the OP is.

[irin]

okay i have only one advise to help you meanwhile. try some lingerie, you dont always have to be completely naked, get a sexy corset, that you dont really have to take off!

[Leigh 87]

Hum If you are a personal trainer then why even ask for help here in your situation? you are making it seem like you are in an terrible situation without any solution..when the simple and most obvious answer to your question is to incorporate some exercise in your daily life...and develop a better diet...Part of being a personal trainer is designing different fitness programs to reach different fitness goals...and knowing lots about nutrition..Can you tell me what CPT certificate do you have?

 

 

 

 

Um, I have let myself go, while I know full well what to do...

 

I have been in better shape than probably u have been for 6 years now....because of my proffessionalism, and my knowledge.

 

...I have let myself go for a few months. No big deal. I will be in top shape within a month or two:). I have the qualifications and experience to know how tio get myself back into shape, thanks:)

 

I am a personal trainer; not a robbot; I am not immune to lifes problems. Some issues in life caused me to hide inside and not exercise.

[Leigh 87]

THANKS FOR YOUR HELP.

 

 

I do not have body dysmpphic disorder.. I DO NOT see myself as fat or too fat. I see myself for what I am. Not too fat; just unfit for ME. I am a personal trainer, WHY do people keep alluding to me NOT being qualified? BECAUSE I let myself go? Personal trainers cannot have a bad few months, once in SIX effing years? LOL. Hello - I am the one who stayed in tip tope shape for 6 years, through daily workouts in moderation, a healthy diet, and comittment... I think I am more than qualified; having been over weight AND underweight in my life I also have a heck of a lot more empathy for the people I train.

 

No. I just fail to be able to' accept my shotcommings with my body; and have to be fit in order to be naked and show myself off to my boyfriend. Who loves me and tells me he wants to see more of my body.

OK ok. You win. I will GLADLY just show off what I have now, and love the attention he gives me. Really. I mean, I have so much to look forward to when I get into shape! My boyfriend obviouslyl oves my body now, less than fit; when I get fit, he will show me how much he appreciates my passion for exercise. And of course, I am f*cking lucky to have a partner who loves me body when I am UNfit.

 

Well. My boyfriend is great, in that he wants to stay with my while I work through my issues... he wants to be happy together, and wants me to show off my body more. He is completely happy and is even thrilled with our sex life; he is v ery satisfied with it. I am the one who hides my body, and in turn, gets him to not want it as bad.... because he never F8cking sees it. I wear baggy clothes.

 

I should just keep bettering myself and stay be positive. I must prefer being a positive person, as I always state I am in posts. I am an optimist, these days, for the most part. I just had my moment where I was sick of being unfit and a few lbs over my prime.

BUT, no need to stop living because I am not at my BEST; I believe, based on what my boyfriend has said, that I can make him desire me sexually MORE now, than when I was THINNER and FITTER; by having a better personality, attitude, and being generally a more positive and nice person to be around; that shows off their body no matter what state it is in.

He gets off more on personality; he says, at this stage in our relationship, he is mroe turned on by how I ACT and how I come across to him, than my body.

I start therapy soon. I do not have that much wrong with me, really. I just had a depressing up bringing, had no friends because I weas ugly and had deformed teeth and acne, and finally grew up and attracted decent people around me because I am a nice person and got braces.

Then I got anorexia and had no life for about 6 years. Now I am recovered, weight wise. I do nto see myself as fat. I would rather be like this and healthy, than too skinny any day.

I guess I just need to show off my body no matter what stage it is in to the guy who tells me he wants to see it.

[Leigh 87]

I'm not sure how you extrapolated him 'needing to touch you' to 'him needing to see/touch your FIT body', Leigh. Why do you keep doing this to yourself??? You claim that you are completely healed from your body dysmorphic disorder, but IMO, your posts here over the years have shown otherwise. Improved, yes - healed, no. I mean this in the kindest way possible. Please seek help.

 

Of COURSE people need to touch each other to enjoy sex, for the most part. How would you feel if your bf developed a small tummy and refused to ever allow you to look at him naked or touch him???

 

It isn't your body ruining this, it's you.

 

 

 

My boyfriend does have a slight stomach, despite being in a heavy labour job and being built up and very fit elsewhere. He does no ab work.

Yet, I love him and find his body to be the most attractive one to ME. I absolutely love touching his stomach, in spite of its less than 6 pack state. He is very, very sexy to me.

[Leigh 87]

ROCKET MAN - your AWESOME !!!!!

 

Yes yes and yes I will definately take your advice, man! I DO MUCH PREFER being thin and fit, but I will take being unfit and showing off my body tp a guy who still wants to see it, over waiting until I am " fit" to show him.

I am very lucky to have found a guy who loves my body so much even when I am unfit. U love your outlook towards your girlfriend:) Does she work out? Or, when she ets herself go, do u just love her body the same?

My boyfriend prefers me to be in shape, for health reasons too... but he still loves my body when unfit. He never ever mentions when Iam unfit, or tells me to lose weight. He just agrees with me when i say that while I am ok now, being extra fit is sexier than being unfit. Actually, I think my boyfriend mostly wants me to be fitter, because it makes me feel better, and in turn, more confident, up beat, and willing to strip off for him. It is about 30% because it looks " hotter".

[WildHorses]

I used to work out 6 days a week. I was in excellent shape. I had been doing that for years. This also caused me to burn out. I took some time off from the gym. I was in a relationship where I started to let myself go. I was happy. My ex, he did not eat healthy. When you see your man chowing down on a huge cheeseburger, and I'm eating a salad, well the burger looks way more appetizing. Soon, I was eating like he was. My ex, he always loved my body, even when it was out of shape. I had become uncomfortable being naked around him. He did not mind at all what I had looked like. I was not bad looking, I'm tall and can hold the weight, but I was not toned. I had stopped letting him see me naked. This caused some issues with our intimacy. I had decided it was time for me to return to the gym and eat healthy again. Only, I had grown accustomed to this new lazy lifestyle. One day, I threw my robe down in front of my ex, and showed him what I was all about. And, he did NOT care. We had wild sex that day. After the break up, I focused on myself, lost all of the weight, and I'm back to where I like to be, and I'm eating the way I like to eat. I have learned that I never want to let myself go in a relationship again. I hate how I felt about myself. I'm also sure that the lack of intimacy played a part to the demise of our relationship. Working out, and eating right is important to me, and I'm glad I found what makes me happy again. That is being toned, and taking care of my health.

 

You can do it. If you want to work out, start setting a time to do that, make that your own personal time away from him. I find it rather peaceful to work out alone with my ipod, lost in my own thoughts. You can do it girl!

[Leigh 87]

OH - and yet again, last night he re stated that he dos want me badly, and that the reason he does not make a grabb for me every multiple times a week, is because he works at from 5 am - 7 am each day, sometimes 6 days a wee, finishes 6 - 8 pm, doing a labour intensive job, and is fankly f*cked when he gets home, and feels like " being close and hugging". He enjoys being around me, being close to me, and does not have the need for sex, above all else, all of the time.

 

He said that he is a more chilled out person, who does not " grab" girls and pick them up, and carry them to the bedroom often; he prefers to lay in bed, touch, kiss, and be close first..... and then ascertain how he feels about doing what to me....

He has had those moments with me. He said there will be FAR more instances, where he literally sees me naked or in underwear, and literally takes me, lies me down, and tells me he wants to go down on me. He says this is what will make him do it more. And that he will do it anytime I feel like it, any ways.

 

*sigh* I am very happy with him, SO happy. I cannot believe I have found a person I love, and who loves me this much. And who has not judged me even though my life situation looks bad and I had mental problems that, while I do not exibit in public, I obviously still habour and need help for.

[pteromom]

I am all for you getting back into shape if you don't like the way you look.

 

That said, at some point, you have to trust that he loves you for who you are. He's telling you that he doesn't have a problem with your body and finds you sexy, so BELIEVE HIM.