out of shape lack of passionate sex

[Leigh 87]

I Have let myself go, and am out of shape and unfit:( I do not let my boyfriend touch my body, which he says he needs to do in order to get horny and want me badly.

When I met my boyfriend over a year ago, I was super fit, worked out EVERY day, and was skinny, but with killer curves.

NOW, I am just... Lets justs say, I have a tummy that is round, NOT flat.

Even when I was just moderately fit, DID NOT work out every day, I was reasonably proud of my figure! I at least let my boyfriend see me naked often and touch my body!! Now, it is to the point where my body is not physically even FIT; not FIT. Not HEALTHY. Just ..... average. Bearable, but not pleasant to look at naked.

 

In turn, this has affected my sex life. To get horny, my boyfriend needs to touch me, see my body, for me to be confident enough to showcase what I have got. He loves my body and tells me all the time.

These days, I am so disgusted by my protruding stomach, that I shrugg him off and push his hands away when he touches my stomach, hips, and even bum:( My best feature:(:(

 

WIthout being able to touch my body at all, of course he does not feel like sex as much. Sure, there is a greater connection to sex besides the body...

The thing is; he works very long hours now, gets up early, has a labour intensive job, and is buggard after work.

Without even being able to TOUCH me and get horny by my body, he has less energy to get " horny through my personality". At best, it makes him want to go down on me occasionally, as that is how he shows he loves me, and does after a day of feeling extra close and amazed by what a great person he thinks I am.. BUt it is not often. He needs a combo of sexual and pesonality traits that make him want me, sexually.

 

People on here know about my eating disorder. I am not depressive over my weight; I DO NOT want to lose weight and be skinny. I simply want to work out most days and be figthing fit again. Even if I lose NO weight, that is cool. I have absolutely no urge to be too skinny, and have no urge to starve and sufffer ever again.

Furthermore, I know that I can only derive very little true happiness and contentment, out of my body. I need to have a rich life outside of my BODY. I know this. I am not seeking to starve myself again, As I know I will derive absolutely NOTHING out of it.

Since discovering love and happiness from my boyfriend and his little dogs, I no longer have any desire to be thin or base my self worth on being skinny.

.... I really just need to work out again and get into SHAPE. I am actually UNFIT, and not even toned anymore! I do not care about weight loss, I just want to tone up and be a fit women.

 

That said, I have no times with my boyfriend where I feel he badly wants me. It is more like " hmm I am extra horny I have not masturbated in ages lets go to the bedroom I feel like getting off". He is happy to get me off, but it is never random; he never just wants to grab me, carry me to the room, and throw me down on the bed.

I miss it:(. He did that once before. ONly once I can remember, where he literally carried me to the bedroom, and went down on me and showed he really wanted me.

We have a strong connection, but without my body to show case, and without me showing off my fit body, there are never times he really wants me badly.

Perhaps we do not have strong chemistry to begin with? I DO for him:(

 

He tells me he wants me badly, but I do not see or feel it often. Part of it is because I do not let him touch my body, because I AM grossely out of shape. Another part, is perhaps is does not have a high sex drive? Although, he does say he gets horny a lot... I think he just does not have a super high sex drive!

He has no chest hair, and not thick pubes... Hair is a sign of more testosterone, I have heard.. perhaps he has low testosterone?

[Leigh 87]

When we do have sex, it is very meaningful, and we both feel very close. The sex keeps getting better for both of us.

What is lacking for me, is that element of " random" sexual things... Him just grabbing me and wanting me right there and then.

He only instigates anything when we are in bed and he even ASKES me if I am horny. Never just gets stuck into me.

 

 

I want to be friends with him and have some time away from him so I can get into shape and get some of my confidence back, and see if we have chemistry beyond our deap bond. When we are apart we feel wrong, we feel that we love each other way too much to be apart...

 

But I need to be sure we are more than best friends, who really enjoy b eing around each other, and who also have meaningul sex. I think there needs to be a spark from his half, where he makes me feel really wanted.

Maybe I cannot see it. Perhaps it is because I have always been harsh on my body, and not been able to fully accept he thinks I am hot. NOW, I would give anything just to be fit. If I had my fit body back ( not skinny but fit body), I would be THRILLED. I have a feeling this would lead to him touching me a lot, and in turn, wanting more sex?

[Leigh 87]

Please help, we both love each other an awful much and are super close. We are not anywhere close to being ready to just cease contact and end things for good....

 

I just have some things in life, including my fitness, which makes me feel bad about myself; such as, I do not have any friends outside of my boyfriend. I am not working currently, despite having a psomising career if I work hard.

 

I know it is not as simple as ending it, but I do think time apart while I get some confidence back, may help our sex life... seeing as I will ACT differently when I feel better about myself.

[Andy_K]

So why don't you just start working out more and eating more healthily again?

[Leigh 87]

OH, I am. Boy am I going to.. And I am going to love it!!! I think I let myself go, because in the past I was such a fitness junkie! I wanted to see if I could be happy without being thin and fit. I wanted there to be more good things about me than my body.

 

turns out, I am very happy, but lack of sex that is caused by me not even letting him touch my body, and wearing baggy clothes to hide it.... it sucks, but I have experinced true happiness while I have been out of shape.

 

I am eating healthier and will go on my daily runs or workouts from tomorrow. I enjoy being fit so it is no big deal.

[Leigh 87]

In the meanwhile, I actually do not want to be sexual with him. I would lie to take a step back, and focus on our friendship.

 

I think I need time to myself, to focus on getting fit and healthy again. I m actually not that healthy now. And feel it.

 

The thing is - without touching me and wanting me sexually, it feels like friendship. Which we have in buckets -we have a very strong bond and strong friendship within our relationship.

 

I just feel the sexual side is not what I need from a guy; and I want to figure out if it is because I do not let him touch or look at my body anymore, or because we lack basic chemistry.

[oaks]

Please help,

 

I was trying to... but each time I was ready to type a reply you posted another message. Sometimes I swear you like talking to yourself!

 

Anyway, I suspect the issue is more how you feel about yourself than how you actually look, but in either case you already know that the solution is to get back to your fitness stuff.

 

Does he understand why you won't let him touch you? If he doesn't, that could damage the relationship (he might interpret it as you not finding him attractive, for example) so make sure you talk with him.

[Million.to.1]

From what I have read of your post Leigh, you complicate everything way too much.

 

If you are unhappy with your body, go to the gym, do yoga, get back into shape. Your boyfriend, or anyone else for that matter, is not responsible for how you feel about yourself. Making the issue about your relationship or your boyfriends response to you feeling insecure is just deflection.

 

If you feel unhappy with how you look, then put in the effort and the work to look good again.

I appreciate there is alot of social pressure for woman to look a certain way and it can be a constant battle for many of us as we age, change, sag, wrinkle, whatever... But putting energy into positive ways to regain your confidence is the only thing that will make you feel better. Not finding some other reason why things don't feel right. You can't be perfect, but you can be the best you can be, and if you feel you are letting yourself go, then you are. Just change your behaviour and your attitude towards yourself will follow.

[Leigh 87]

Lol, I am really in love and so naturally I really want to articulate my situation, so I CAN get the best hel[p possible:)

 

I am about to see a therapist, to help get my life on track. I know what I need to do, superficially; start working, get into shape. I already love who I am , in terms of my pesonality; I am kind, funny, adventerous, curious and always wanting to learn. I have self esteem and respect myself. My life is just far from what I need it to be, for me to feel TRULY great about myself...

 

 

My boyfriend knows what my issue is! He knows it is NOT him; I have NO issue touching him and doing sexual things to him, and showing him how attractive I find him.

We HAVe had random sex, and fooled around out of him wanting me; when we used to go clubbing, he would finger me while dancing ( with a bunch of people so no one notices lol) and the other day, we had sex on the way home from a club, several times, he f*cked me doggy while a car drove past and he slapped my @ss. Classy - not.....

 

SO we have had times, I have had times, when he has shown me he wants me badly. Just not lately. so much. Not as much as I want, but I hope it comes down to the fact that I do not let him touch me, or let him see the shape oy my body, by wearing clothes that cover my curves.

[rocketman122]

seeing as I will ACT differently when I feel better about myself.

 

 

I feel for you as I was in this situation with my exwife years ago. I let myself get out of shape and I was disgusted with myself. I felt if I looked like s**t I couldnt love her properly.

 

Also there is nothing wrong with your partner getting turned on by your body. she he be looking at the walls while he penetrates you? I know when I went back to BB my partners would get excited when they saw me naked and when they got super horny, that made me hornier and I was able to perform better and then she got hornier and it bounces back and forth. nothing wrong with that. I think you should make love through body/mind/soul though.

[Leigh 87]

Million - I seriously do not want to be perfect. I find that notion uninteresting. I love my slightly dented nose. I love the fact I am not super petite and thin. I love my curves! I love my quirks in my personality, also. however, as you suggested, I like to be a fit and healthy version of myself!

 

Basically, I feel like a gross blob, and want to have a week or two to just go and get fit. I do not want a best friend; I want a lover, who I feel wants me badly.

I tend to bounce back REALLY FAST with fitness! I will feel on fire in NO time, and after time apart, i can see me really growing without him, and focusing on getting a job and friends.

[rocketman122]

to put off having sex with your partner will leave a scar and strain the relationship imo. work through it together and when you'll start getting back into it things will get better much more quickly. dont give that up though.

 

I have to say though that when im with my GF I cant take my eyes off of her. I practically rape (but not really-you know what I mean) her when we get in the house after going out. I ripped her clothes off her a while back and I pick her up and carry her to the bed every single time.

Edited April 12, 2012 by rocketman122

[Leigh 87]

to put off having sex with your partner will leave a scar and strain the relationship imo. work through it together and when you'll start getting back into it things will get better much more quickly. dont give that up though.

 

I have to say though that when im with my GF I cant take my eyes off of her. I practically rape (but not really-you know what I mean) her when we get in the house after going out. I ripped her clothes off her a while back and I pick her up and carry her to the bed every single time.

 

 

 

 

I think I have a problem, with remembering things and feeling things. Apparently, my boyfriend HAS, after a night out, taken my home, and ripped my clothes off. We did have sex most times after going out, and he did touch me when dancing, so perhaps he did want me badly, but I just did not feel it?

[Leigh 87]

............ right now, it feels like we are best friends, who have sex occasionally. I do not feel like he is a man, who wants me badly: who wants to rip my clothes of regularly: who had a strong sense of wanting me sexually.

 

Because I FEEL like we are just great friends, I need to discover the passion again, from him; as I am passionate towards him and do want him badly.

 

Ultimately, I need a guy who wants me badly in the bedroom. While he is happy to go down on me and make me orgasm, and enjoys giving me pleasure, he never just throws me down and does it, not often, only a few times during a year.

[Leigh 87]

*sigh* now that I think about it, I am being picky.

 

 

He has shown me he wants me. We are very close and what we have is as strong as can be. He has seen me at my absolute worst, and stuck by me and loved me, when no normal person would have.

 

The thing is; right now, he only has my personality to go on, for sex. HE DOES feel like pleasing me and going down on me sometimes, purely through me acting cute, and him thinking " awwwww your awesome I want to go down on u to show my love"

 

.... I guess guys need MORE than your personality, to stimulate them! He has told me so many times that he would like to see my BODY to make him horny; in shape or NOT.

Sure, he says he prefers me fit and healthy, but he would take ANYTHINg over nothing.

 

He says that touching my stomach, seeing my bare skin, makes him horny. THAT is the type of horny he says he needs, to trhow me down and madly want me.

[rocketman122]

dont have a time out, just try different things. search google if you have to when you start working out, you'll feel better and he will realize this and things will progress from there. your confidence will come back as well.

 

I love it when my GF teases me. I ask her to raise her skirt so I can see her panties and I take a peek down her bra. what can I say im a kinky perverted freak though. you dont want to know what we do though HAHA.

 

but keep flirting/teasing him, keeping things fun till things will get better. and it will come quickly, you'll see. 2-3 workouts and your whole attitude will start to change. good luck sweetheart.

[rocketman122]

*sigh* now that I think about it, I am being picky.

 

He has shown me he wants me. We are very close and what we have is as strong as can be. He has seen me at my absolute worst, and stuck by me and loved me, when no normal person would have.

 

The thing is; right now, he only has my personality to go on, for sex. HE DOES feel like pleasing me and going down on me sometimes, purely through me acting cute, and him thinking " awwwww your awesome I want to go down on u to show my love"

 

.... I guess guys need MORE than your personality, to stimulate them! He has told me so many times that he would like to see my BODY to make him horny; in shape or NOT.

Sure, he says he prefers me fit and healthy, but he would take ANYTHINg over nothing.

 

He says that touching my stomach, seeing my bare skin, makes him horny. THAT is the type of horny he says he needs, to trhow me down and madly want me.

 

I need visual as well emotional. It drives me crazy to see her naked. the female body is so beautiful, thin normal or heavier, it doesnt matter for me.

you dont need to be completely naked though. and if you feel uncomfortable try something like this. put on a sexy lingerie robe, lie down and let him see just parts of you while you rub your body, watch him drop a load in 3 minutes flat HAHA!! I also love it when my girl wheres my button down shirts and we masturbate in front of each other. tons of ideas you can do to delay your contact for a week or so..no big deal. even after one workout, it will be huge relief for you and you'll feel very positive.

 

he loves you. its obvious and he wants to make you happy. you have a gem. give him what he wants till you get back to yourself.

[Leigh 87]

He just rang me, and I told him how I felt. He sais it offends him, because he feels the sex life is great, and he gets me off all the time...

 

 

 

..thing is, he doesn;'t. He brings me to orgasm about once per week.....

 

 

 

He agreed that I should not hude my body, as showing it to him will greatly improve his desire for me, sexually.

 

 

He is happy with the sex life and cannot see why I am not.

 

I think I need time apart.

 

I have such a great time with him and feel soo happy. I just need to feel the guy I love wants me, sexually.. More than going down on me, when I ASK him to, once or twice a week.

[SmileFace]

Wait didn't you just quit your job and/or school to pursue your goal to be a physical trainer?

[Leigh 87]

I am a personal trainer who has been out of work, but I am about to start working again.

 

It is my dream career, earns a good living, and I am very passionate about it.

 

I stopped working because I let myself go and have too much pride to train clients when I myself feel unfit.

[rocketman122]

He just rang me, and I told him how I felt. He sais it offends him, because he feels the sex life is great, and he gets me off all the time...

 

..thing is, he doesn;'t. He brings me to orgasm about once per week.....

 

He agreed that I should not hude my body, as showing it to him will greatly improve his desire for me, sexually.

 

He is happy with the sex life and cannot see why I am not.

 

I think I need time apart.

 

I have such a great time with him and feel soo happy. I just need to feel the guy I love wants me, sexually.. More than going down on me, when I ASK him to, once or twice a week.

 

its somewhat off putting when youre partner is embarrassed to show her body. I used to make love to my exwife with a tshirt on till I started getting back to gym. on his side of the argument he wants more, on yours you want him to satisfy you more but youre embarrassed and dont want to show your body.

you say maybe he doesnt really want you but youre not showing him that you want him just as much.

 

I love my GF who's so happy to flaunt and tease her body (not thin at all btw) in front of me her confidence turns me on even more. I want to go downtown all the time. yes we men very much need the visual as well.

 

anyways running to the gym, since the damn holidays closes everything early HAHA damn sick and tired of eating matzah HAHA wheres my whole wheat bread!

[Leigh 87]

Rocket - thanks:) MOst people on this website do not think he loves me, cos he has enjoyed a couple of 3 somes with me. It is not like he craves them and talks about them since those times or needs them in order to stay with me long term.

 

 

ANy ways - We are taking time apart.

 

I need a guy who wants me sexually. He says he does, but I am obviously blind to it?

He wants me, but I need a guy who does more then go down on me when I ASK him to, about twice at most per week. It is never him that instigats it, I am the one who askes.

 

I just wish he would be the one to want to touch ME; To want to rip my clothes off, without me suggesting it.

 

 

We have so much love and being apart will kill me, because I have such a deap love for him. I am crying when i write this.

 

Oh well, life goes on, if we are great for each other we will end up back together.

 

Or, I will get over it and enjoy a guy who wants me badly, the way I need to be desired sexually; likewise, he will find a girl who he wants get stuck into, to rip her clothes off without her asking.

 

Perhaps we are just great companions, and the sexual chemistry is lacking. Again, he says IT IS NOT, and he is very happy with our sex life.

 

IT CONFUSES ME how he is totally happy with the sex, and says he always shows me he wants me.. Where as I am not satisfied with his desire level for me at all!

 

He is my first love so I will always remember him and be thankful for whaty a great boyfriend he was, for the most part:)

[Leigh 87]

LOl - taking time apart was my suggestion, that he is not really accepting...

 

 

He rang and he is coming over. He says I am still hot to him, he WANTS me to walk around naked and flaunt my body EVEN when I am not in shape.

 

 

WHen out of shape, he said he still finds me hot and would rather I show off and tease him more even when I am not fit.

 

 

We are in things very deaply at this stage, so we may as well see where things go.

[xxoo]

IT CONFUSES ME how he is totally happy with the sex, and says he always shows me he wants me.. Where as I am not satisfied with his desire level for me at all!

 

His attraction to you and desire for you is unchanged. What has changed is your willingness to let him see and touch your body. Of course he is going to be less aroused if you are hiding your body.

 

Also, the relationship is a year old now. He might just be past the burning desire to have you NOW! That doesn't mean he isn't very turned on by you, and satisfied with you and your body. It just means he can, you know, sit through a dinner without thinking constantly about your body.

 

Leigh, it sounds like you need a LOT of "proof" that he desires you. If you want more oral, ask for more oral--but for your own pleasure, not as proof that he desires you. Listen to what he is saying about how he enjoys your body--he wants to touch and see you. Give him what he wants, and also ask for what you want. Don't expect your needs to feel desired to match how he shows desire.

[zengirl]

His attraction to you and desire for you is unchanged. What has changed is your willingness to let him see and touch your body. Of course he is going to be less aroused if you are hiding your body.

 

Also, the relationship is a year old now. He might just be past the burning desire to have you NOW! That doesn't mean he isn't very turned on by you, and satisfied with you and your body. It just means he can, you know, sit through a dinner without thinking constantly about your body.

 

Leigh, it sounds like you need a LOT of "proof" that he desires you. If you want more oral, ask for more oral--but for your own pleasure, not as proof that he desires you. Listen to what he is saying about how he enjoys your body--he wants to touch and see you. Give him what he wants, and also ask for what you want. Don't expect your needs to feel desired to match how he shows desire.

 

This, this, this! Re-read this several times, Leigh.

 

Sure, get back in shape if you want, but your BF is telling you that he finds you sexy the way you are, wants to touch and see your sexy body, and you are finding that invalidating because of what YOU feel, not his actions.