why is contact a bad thing?

[TaraMaiden]

I love Tara and Tara would love me if I condensed my posts. I promise T when I come back to LS as Mr Emotionally Mature 2012, I will condense my posts to 3 paragraphs or less hahahaa..

 

Don't you dare.....!

 

Don't you dare ever change anything about yourself to suit anyone else!

 

 

(....not even someone as gloriously perfect as I.....!)

 

[silicis n volvo]

thank guys...collectively all the info on this thread has made me feel much better...great advice mac and tara...i'll stick to NC i promise.

 

can i just recommend to any guy going through a break up, i stress the word guy....read "the game" by neil strauss...im reading it right now.....absolutely brilliant

Edited April 12, 2012 by silicis n volvo

[Motor35]

sorry....don't mean to hijack....Tara, thank you so much for having the NC guide in your siggy

i have never read it before.

good luck, SnV! you can do it:)

[Pens55]

Mack, did we date the same girl? haha

 

But yes OP, I think many of us have had a wakeup call with an emotionally immature or tainted ex. If this is your first, hopefully you will be able to take the information and seek a healthier partner next time.

 

I went through exactly what Mack is speaking of - my ex was not capable of having a deep and trusting relationship because she could not let anyone see the 'real her.' But as Mack said, we know more about them than they do - and much more than they think we know. Totally accepting someone, flaws and all, should make that person feel so secure, but there are some people who have the exact opposite reaction. Seek someone who shares your values and emotional maturity and just take this as a life lesson.

 

It gets better...every day you will understand the true dynamic more and you will eventually realize you deserve to get the same as you give.

[silicis n volvo]

Theres just one last thing i need advice on about this subject.

 

Me and my ex broke up suddenly when we argued about her meeting this other guy.

 

Weve been in NC ever since as when she ended things and i told her all my feelings (bad ones not to try change to her mind) she didnt even reply.

 

Im wondering if it was my fault or not.

 

Basically i asked what she was up to one night and she said shes meeting a friend for a drink. I asked if ot was a 'he' and she said yes. I asked if it was just the 2 of them and she said yes.

 

Now i wasnt sure how to play this. I didnt know if i was right to be a little concerned. After all like i said in my other thread i often with held voicing my opinions incase she disagreed or got angry. So i rang a friend and explained the situation.

 

He said to play it cool. Dnt tell her she cant go but express ur concern and ask why they r meeting. If she says hes just a friend say its fine.

 

So i asked her what they were meeting for and she said just for a catchup. I said "im not 100% sure how i feel about it" she asked why and i said "just not overly keen on the idea of my girlfriend meeting a guy i dont know. Just the 2 of them. but if it was just for a friendly catch up then thays fine".

 

At this point i thought id done everything right. kept calm. said it was ok and just let her know i wqs a little worried. i thought she'd reassure me and tell me not to worry.

 

Thats when she came back at me and ended it right there. Said that she didnt need my permission and i cant tell her what to do. Said im not goin to stop her seeing her male friends. That i dont trust her and its not good grounds for a relationship and its over.

 

I said

"its not about trust, weve had a lot of problems lately im just a bit concerned. Im not stopping u from seeing anyone but spending time with male friends when ur out in groups is different from meeting someone one on one. i never said u couldnt go i actually said its fine. But u wouldnt like it if i met up with a girl. U need to understand why im concerned i was looking for reassurance not for u to say u wouldnt go"

 

She didnt even get back to me on that.

 

The next day i sent her a very long txt saying how i felt and how i think shes been over the last 10 months. Told her shes made me miserable amongst many other nasty things and to get lost.

 

Of ourse she didnt reply again. So shes just ended it suddenly and not spoken to me since over text aswell. After 10 months she ended it by txt.

 

U can read what our relationship was like in another thread i linked it it in the OP.

 

This is why NC is so hard. Theres no closure. How cud she just leave and ignore me like that? But most of all.

 

Who was in the rong at the end?

 

Was it my fault could i have prevented it?

[TaraMaiden]

What does the NC Guide say about 'closure'?

What does Mack05's post above, say about 'closure'?

[silicis n volvo]

Closure wasnt really the main point of that post. Some advice from anyone on that situation and how much was my fault would be greatly appreciated

[TaraMaiden]

IT - DOESN'T - MATTER.

 

The problem is, there is no way of evaluating that considering the bigger picture.

The relationship had failed already, and playing the blame game now, just keeps you completely stuck.

There's nothing you can do about it, anyway, so trying to apportion or determine blame, is futile.

 

And actually - who cares?

Why?

What's the point of wasting time looking back, being retrospective, wondering...?

It's done.

 

LET - IT - GO.

[silicis n volvo]

So that it doesnt happen again in the future. If the way i handled it was rong i can do things better next time.

 

I want to know what i did rong. How could i have handled that situation better? Was i right to be concerned? Was i right to let her know?

 

Can someone just read that situation and give me their opinion? Yes the relationship would have ended at some point anyway as it was never an equal relationship. But as for that situation i need to know what i did rong

[Mack05]

Going to be very honest here in the hope this post helps people. I am leaving LS till the end of the year, but want to hit 1000 posts before I do haha (14 more to go!). I broke NC yesterday. Was coming to 2 months. I wish I waited longer. Something in me needed to make peace with her, to help me move forward in my life. I have learnt so much from my last two breakups, yet I continue to make mistakes. Hopefully I will continue to learn from them.

 

Breaking NC was a HUGE mistake. What I have been doing since the breakup is posting on LS when something (an emotion or thought) hits me. If I am angry I posted angry. If I was sad I posted sad. If I was having a good day I posted positively. If I was having a bad day I would vent. Saying over and over I am leaving LS, just to come back when an emotion or feeling hit me hard. Therefore my posts, like my emotions have been all over the place recently.

 

The insights to my ex's personality that I posted on LS, she is aware of. I never posted to hurt, but to try help her become self aware. Being co-dependent sucks. You can't let things go. You have this almost addictive need to help people, that don't want your 'help'. In fact they want the opposite. For you to disappear..You want to help yet ignore the very obvious issues that you yourself suffer from.

 

I had a heart to heart with a good friend yesterday, who explained my ex will NEVER see where I am coming from and that we are too far apart to ever be a healthy compatible couple. Deep down I knew and understood this weeks ago. For the past while, I posted here somethings feeling strong within myself. I would advise others because it helped me stay strong and stay NC. But honestly deep down I hoped she would call and say something like Tara said above. I would have taken her back for sure if she did.

 

After this heart to heart, I made a decision to let go and move on with my life. Something finally clicked in me to move on. My ex had a new guy and here I was living my life in neutral, why she is out very happy and loving life. It's hard to accept when someone you love moves on so fast, but sometimes that is all you can do.

 

The first thought came into my head was to make peace. There was my mistake again right there. Acting implusively on the very first thought that came into my head, without truly thinking through the consquences. The consquences for me, the consquences for her. Believe me that is not the first time either I have acted on impluse without proper thought behind it. Instead of doing what I advise people to do, I did the opposite. I sent a heartfelt email to my ex. I apologised for the things I did and outlined where I felt I went wrong and wished her well. I didn't expect anything back but hoped we could make peace. Her reaction was what I feared it would be. Hurt and angry over my previous criticisms of her personality. Basically she hates me.

 

This morning I don't know how I feel. Alot of different emotions. I know I can only advise LS members how not to make these mistakes I made, when I have fully come to terms with everything. Also I need to achieve real emotional growth and not just talk about it. I do know when I come back to LS after my 1000 posts, I am going to come back a different kind of poster. I truly believe analyzing our ex's helps us move forward, but we have loads of posters on LS to help with that. Instead when I come back, I am going to focus on the OP and try help him/her learn from the mistakes I made. Not focus on the personalities of my ex's. I will never mention an ex or a story of an ex on this forum again. Not only that when I come back to LS, I will truly back up every single word I say...which quite frankly has not been the case in the past.

 

Had I dealt with NC in the right, I am very sure myself and my ex would have reconnected as friends down the line. I think we both know and understand that as a couple we just don't work, but I think as friends (after the emotions had gone) we would have. Because I handled NC in the worst way (reacting immediately to EVERY emotion I was feeling, without the proper thougght process) I have potentially lost a great life long friend.

 

Silicus I don't know if this helps you. I felt the need to be honest here because I would have felt a fraud giving advice which I failed to follow myself. Acting implusivily during NC is almost natural. You have a sadness in you and their is only one person that can make it better. If I could give you and others one piece of advice is to post here, when these implusive thoughts come into your head. If you can't post here or chat to family/friends, just try sit through the uncomfortable process until it passes.

 

I feel I have let myself down, my ex down and even some posters on LS down by breaking NC. It hurts alot Silicus. You need to understand the reaction you are hoping for will be very different to the one you will actually get. You both have a different thought process to each other. It's hard to comprehend, cause during the R sometimes it felt that you co-existed almost seemlessly.

 

I hope reading this story will help people stay NC..It's a contact war. Emotion v Logic. NC is amazing because it gives you clarity. If you feel a need to reach out, I don't see anything wrong doing it after 3-6 months, providing you can really deal with any response (or lack of) you get. Sometimes it can help with closure, but before 3 months it can be a devastating set back. Like re-living your breakup all over again. The key is being honest with yourself....can you cope with a negative response which is very likely? If not stay NC. There is a VERY high probability your ex does not want to her from her.

 

In the future I will try move to view things more through her eyes (the ex) and a third parties eyes (viewing from the outside). I think it helps rationalize things alot better..

Edited April 13, 2012 by Mack05

[TaraMaiden]

Look.

If we had all the pat answers, no relationship would go wrong.

You often have to fly things by the seat of your pants...

 

Communication is important, and effective communication, more so.

But every person is different, and what works with one, may not be effective with another.

She might give you one objection, but another person might tell you, "See, that doesn't bother me...."

 

In an argument, sometimes there is no right or wrong.

it is what it is?

could you have handled things differently? Sure.

could she? Certainly.

would it have made a difference?

Who knows?

 

Would she even have listened if you'd done things differently?

We don't know --- we can't ask her.

 

It's my suspicion that you probably didn't do anything wrong - but then, everything would have been wrong in her eyes...

 

Really, it's not a question of what you did or didn't do wrong....

 

it's a question of why you thought taking that route, was right at the time....

[silicis n volvo]

Sure it always helps mac. And posting on here instead of contacting my ex is what i am trying to do. I want other peoples opinions on things instead of talking to her about it.

 

Thats why i needed peoples advice and opinions on this particular situation

 

Theres just one last thing i need advice on about this subject.

 

Me and my ex broke up suddenly when we argued about her meeting this other guy.

 

Weve been in NC ever since as when she ended things and i told her all my feelings (bad ones not to try change to her mind) she didnt even reply.

 

Im wondering if it was my fault or not.

 

Basically i asked what she was up to one night and she said shes meeting a friend for a drink. I asked if ot was a 'he' and she said yes. I asked if it was just the 2 of them and she said yes.

 

Now i wasnt sure how to play this. I didnt know if i was right to be a little concerned. After all like i said in my other thread i often with held voicing my opinions incase she disagreed or got angry. So i rang a friend and explained the situation.

 

He said to play it cool. Dnt tell her she cant go but express ur concern and ask why they r meeting. If she says hes just a friend say its fine.

 

So i asked her what they were meeting for and she said just for a catchup. I said "im not 100% sure how i feel about it" she asked why and i said "just not overly keen on the idea of my girlfriend meeting a guy i dont know. Just the 2 of them. but if it was just for a friendly catch up then thays fine".

 

At this point i thought id done everything right. kept calm. said it was ok and just let her know i wqs a little worried. i thought she'd reassure me and tell me not to worry.

 

Thats when she came back at me and ended it right there. Said that she didnt need my permission and i cant tell her what to do. Said im not goin to stop her seeing her male friends. That i dont trust her and its not good grounds for a relationship and its over.

 

I said

"its not about trust, weve had a lot of problems lately im just a bit concerned. Im not stopping u from seeing anyone but spending time with male friends when ur out in groups is different from meeting someone one on one. i never said u couldnt go i actually said its fine. But u wouldnt like it if i met up with a girl. U need to understand why im concerned i was looking for reassurance not for u to say u wouldnt go"

 

She didnt even get back to me on that.

 

The next day i sent her a very long txt saying how i felt and how i think shes been over the last 10 months. Told her shes made me miserable amongst many other nasty things and to get lost.

 

Of ourse she didnt reply again. So shes just ended it suddenly and not spoken to me since over text aswell. After 10 months she ended it by txt.

 

U can read what our relationship was like in another thread i linked it it in the OP.

 

This is why NC is so hard. Theres no closure. How cud she just leave and ignore me like that? But most of all.

 

Who was in the rong at the end?

 

Was it my fault could i have prevented it?

 

Im not talking about closure or no contact or how to get her back etc etc.

 

I want to know what i dod rong here. What she did rong. How else should i handle this of ot happens again. Although the relationship was going to end was this a good reason for her to do it?

 

Sorry tara we must have been typing at the same time and this post came after urs.

 

What you said does make sense though. I know we werent compatible. But i just cant stop wondering what i did rong i dont want to make the same mistakes again.

Edited April 13, 2012 by silicis n volvo

[TaraMaiden]

the only thing i can think that might be said you did wrong, was to send her the long text

 

saying how i felt and how i think shes been over the last 10 months. Told her shes made me miserable amongst many other nasty things and to get lost.

 

But you see - you'd already lost her.

Even though you tried to explain calmly why you felt concerned, or had misgivings about her meeting this guy - she decided to read what she wanted into that - even after your explanation - and used that to end the relationship with.

She needed whatever feeble excuse she could use, to end it, and she grabbed that opportunity.

 

So the only thing wrong you did, was to chase up with the spite.

 

That's all.

But it's understandable, given the circumstances.

However, anger never resolves anything, does more harm than good, and hurts us too.

 

Just remember that little snippet, in future.

[Mack05]

I think Silicus here is where you need to be honest with yourself. From reading the above post I can't see you did much wrong, but are you being honest with yourself? Being nasty because you don't get what you want, is not the way to go. It's a clear sign of emotional immaturity (google it and buy the book go suck a lemon). When you were nasty over text, all you did was reaffirm her belief that you are not good boyfriend material.

 

It looks like she is not interested in the relationship. This is what she is telling you, but you continued to chase her. If someone is not interested you can be as inventive as you want, you will not change her mind. You can be nice, nasty, promise the world, etc nothing will make a difference.

 

Here is a lesson I hope to learn. It's about self respect and dignity. Why chase someone who has made it quite clear she does not want a relationship with you? You need to tell yourself that "I deserve better. I deserve a girl who is just as invested in the relationship as I am". Honestly I made the same mistake. It says more about me than my ex to be honest. Shouldn't I value myself more then I have been? Definitely!

 

I know how hard it is. You think "if only my ex knew this" and "if only she understood that". They are the thoughts of a desperate man sinking, hoping his ex will throw him the lifejacket, only to realise she is having too much fun to see him sink. It comes down to how much you value yourself.

 

I know this is an area I still have so much improvement to make on. I know I will have good self esteem when I look in the mirror every morning and say things like "You are awesome" and "man my ex's are sooooo dumb to ever let me go". Right now I don't think either. Yes I am slowly starting to really like me again, but am I really confident in myself? No. How do I know? I wouldn't have broken NC and I wouldn't care about my ex's opinion of me.

 

That is the key to recovery. It doesn't matter what she did or didn't do. What she is doing with her life now. The key to recovery is to truly love yourself, to rebuild self esteem. To live your life in positivity, hope and self belief. Once you achieve this, watch the difference in the kind of woman you attract. Is it easy to achieve? My god no. Im training like a nutter for 4 months and still don't have my self esteem where I want it. I realised through Therapy, its not about how I look. It's about dealing with everything from my past and becoming truly at ease with who I was and who I am.

 

That's why I want to leave LS. I want to come back as that guy and then help people like me and you Silicus from having walked the walk, not just talked the talked..

Edited April 13, 2012 by Mack05

[silicis n volvo]

Thanks tara i know anger never solves anything but for me feelings and heart always win over logic and brains. I am taking a lot of lessons out of this relationship though and lots from this thread and other similar threads.

 

thankyou

[silicis n volvo]

Yeah mac i completely agree. I gave up my dignity long ago. i didnt just chase her towards the end. I chased her and was a pushover from the start.

 

I do need more self esteem. not sure how to get it but ill try. Im sorry u broke NC woth ur ex. Ill make sure i dont do that myself.

 

That last txt i sent her was a mistake. I just wanted her to know how i felt. I need to learn to bite my tongue.

[Jambalaya]

Just to say to Mac05 - thank you for all your posts on this thread. I know I'm in a different situation i.e. I don't know whether I should break up with him or not, but I've gone through all of those issues in my head a million times.

 

I'm going to read through them again slowly and do some pondering.

[Mack05]

Anytime Jambalaya. I will say one thing Silicus and I will base this on any bond I form with a woman in future...

 

Any person who feels the need to hide their weakness's and vulnerabilities and bury them very very deep that no one can get to, this should be regarded as the biggest red flag you can get in a relationship. This behavior only pushes people far far far away, if you cannot honestly show yourself to the other person in the relationship, then you are incapable of truly being honest. A relationship lacking honesty is doomed to fail....

[Jambalaya]

*sigh* I have a feeling I'll be coming back to read this thread a few times in the coming weeks.

[TaraMaiden]

copy, paste, print, memorise, put into action.

Words are worth nothing if we don't follow through....

[Mack05]

copy, paste, print, memorise, put into action.

Words are worth nothing if we don't follow through....

 

This is my new signature as I can't robs yours Tara. I need to read this once a day...

[Mack05]

Silicus as regarding building self esteem there are loads of articles/books on the web. It is different for everyone. We are all unique and suffer from different types of insecurities. I know Therapy helped me but as my Therapist said. I can only show you the path it's up to you to walk it.

 

I mistakenly thought self esteem was about looking really good. I look great now and love how confident I feel before heading out on a night out. However I am still have bouts of self doubt, lack of self respect for myself. I think what self esteem is loving the skin you are in. Feeling happy and comfortable in yourself in all aspects of your life.

 

Rebuilding self esteem is journey. You can't just say I love myself sorted. It's about coming to terms with your past. This is huge. Forgiving yourself for any bad choices, any mistake you made, any hurt you have caused. Forgiving those who hurt you. It's about determining what kind of life you want in future. What kind of woman you want to spend the rest of your life with and then go get her! It's about doing something positive everyday. Working out is obvious but even little things like helping strangers on a broken hearts website. Reconnecting with friends when they don't expect it. Showing kindess to a stranger. Giving money to charity. Setting and achieving short and long term individual goals. The more positive things you do, the more you achieve the more your self esteem builds.

 

Think of it like building a solid house brick by brick. Don't rush it. Just keep doing the little things. Before you know it the house gets built, you feel great and you have the best girl in the world to share your life with. It's the self doubt is the killer, its so important to push that negative voice out of your head...

[silicis n volvo]

Yeah. I can honestly say right now i dont forgive myself for how open, needy and keen i was with my ex and how i stopped doing and saying what i wanted being a pushover. That must hwve been a turn off right there. But i also dnt forgive her for how she handled it all. Letting me make the effort. Not making any effort herself. Denying any of her flaws and faults. And ultimately breaking my heart.

 

I guess ill forgive her in time. Not sure about myself.

 

I dnt see a way through this self esteem thing. I keep rewding ur posts mac and they tell me what i need to do but ive no idea where to start or how to do it.

 

For now im just going to try get over my ex. Once i no longer want to contact her ill concentrate on myself

[Mack05]

Silicus nothing turns a girl off faster then an insecure guy, lacking in self esteem. This is something you have to figure out. Otherwise you know what will happen?

 

Nothing...

[SilverBlueAndGold]

Going to be very honest here in the hope this post helps people. I am leaving LS till the end of the year, but want to hit 1000 posts before I do haha (14 more to go!). I broke NC yesterday. Was coming to 2 months. I wish I waited longer. Something in me needed to make peace with her, to help me move forward in my life. I have learnt so much from my last two breakups, yet I continue to make mistakes. Hopefully I will continue to learn from them.

 

... excellent post snipped for brevity

 

 

Just want to say I really appreciate what you have to say here, it hits home in a way that I can't even describe. Sounds like you are on the right path, and gives me hope!