chickenlicken Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 My ex boyfriend and i were together for five years. We have a 3 year old son. The entire relationship was rocky. There was frequently doubt in my mind that he was faithful, although there were periods of time when I don't think he was straying. When I was pregnant, our relationship deteriorated substantially. When our son was 2 weeks old, I saw him with another woman, and we never recovered. That was in 2009. We fought for another year and a half, and in December of 2010, I told him that I was no longer willing to try and work it out, it was the birthday of the woman I had caught him with a year and a half earlier, and I phoned her & got into an argument with her. She told me, "If he loved you so much, I never would have been in the picture". For some reason, that struck a chord with me, after all the good reason I already had to leave him, that statement put me over the edge, and I left. It wasn't a clean break. He begged me over and over to come back. I was beyond hurt, I was drowning in pain. I was devastated. I began seeing a man, and although he was a good person, his only real function in my world was to provide emotional support. I cried to him almost daily about my ex. It wasn't malicious, I didn't mean to use him, but looking back, I did. He was very good to me, but I wasn't capable of having a relationship. I told my ex I was involved with someone new, and my ex continued to pursue me. He begged me to come back. I never did. In late October of 2011, my new boyfriend drove me to my ex's house to pick up my son. It wasn't because I wanted my boyfriend there, but because there was a freak snowstorm in my region early in the winter season, and I wasn't able to pick my son up in my car. My ex has a Tahoe, but he refused to bring him to me, and when I asked how I was supposed to get my son back, he said, "You figure it out, you always do". I didn't have any choice but to ask my boyfriend to drive me in his 4 wheel drive truck. My ex freaked out when he saw my boyfriend outside his house, and things kind of went downhill from there. My ex and I had an argument a few days later in the hospital because my son was very sick. Later that evening, we argued again. In the morning, I took my son to my ex's house because it was his day to have him, and my ex told me that he didn't have the Gatorade or medicine the Dr. had recommended. I asked him why he hadn't gotten it, and he told me he didn't have time. I told him that was ridiculous because when we had spoken the night before, he was in a bar. He said that he had a lot of running around to do that day, he would get it while they were out. I picked my son up, & walked out of the house, not knowing that I would never see the inside of that house again. My son had a 104 degree fever, and was throwing up profusely. I took my son with me because his father wasn't prepared for him, and planned to spend the day running errands with an extremely sick child. I dropped my son at my mother's house and went to work. At 2:30 that afternoon, I received a call from the sheriff's department asking me to come outside. I did, and was served with a PFA on behalf of my ex and my son. I obtained a lawyer immediately. My ex was granted temporary custody of my son, and my son was at my mother's house, so I had to ask my mother to call my ex and let her know he was there. He never picked him up. He just left him at my Mom's house. In a week, we had a hearing. The judge excluded my son from the PFA, and my lawyer agreed to allow the hearing to be continued for 90 days. I didn't want to have it continued, but my attorney advised me to do it. I was served with custody papers next. He was filing for sole custody. 5 months of custody war followed. He got a new girlfriend, who attended all hearings with him. PFA hearings, custody, and support. Almost 6 months later, I have lost 40 lbs. I break out in hives on a regular basis. Everywhere. But mostly on my neck and chest, my back & my forearms. It's been a living hell. There are a million other details that I can't add because this is already long enough. Two weeks ago, my ex, who has lost everything with fabulous flare, decided to give up. The day of the trial, he gave up. I have maxed out my credit cards, I have a loan from my parents, and I re-enrolled in school for the sole purpose of gaining a student loan to finance the trial. I can't begin to articulate to you how horribly stressful this has been. But he gave up, and agreed to the court recommendation, which is for me to have primary custody & he receives every other weekend. We have continued to be at odds with one another. I can't deny that I haven't poured my own fuel on the fire. It's so, so hard to get along with him. The girlfriend, the smart remarks, the hair cuts my son comes home with...I'd rather put my hand on a hot stove. I got rid of my boyfriend. There just came a point when I realized that I didn't love that man at all, and I was basically tormenting him because I couldn't give him what he wanted. Yesterday, he was in the park where I jog, and we spoke. This is really the first time I've even looked at him in almost 6 months. I took a moment to really look at him, and he looks terrible. His lips are so chapped, his eyes look yellow. He doesn't look the same. None of that really matters anyway. He told me that he was a "real *******" to me, and he's sorry. And he's willing to go to couples counseling. I said for what, and he said to try and work things out. I told him that there isn't any going back, and he said, "I don't want to go back, I want to move forward". I just stood there and stared at him in disbelieve. This man has dragged me through hell. In spite of it, I am happier now. I am by no means ok, but I am much happier now. I loved him so much, and that love was the root of so much suffering that I truly don't know if I could survive it again. I still love him, I guess I always will. I told him that. I cried my eyes out, snot and everything in the park in front of countless people, telling him how much he hurt me, and how I hear from so many heartless people how he is so happy with his girlfriend, and I hear that they do everything for one another, and that she walks our dog every morning, and that I think about him ****ing her, and all the things he said about me in court, lies or skeletons, and all the things I said about him, and there isn't any way I can possibly entertain the thought of trying to reconcile with him. I don't know what his intentions are. I know that I am not ashamed of how I feel. I know it's been a while now, and I sometimes think that I shouldn't be so hurt anymore, but I am. This man was a huge part of my life. I have never been so lost. I am too thin, but I look really great. I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and I see a happier person. My skin looks better. It's amazing. My hair was falling out terribly, and now it's growing back in. My life has become so much better. Different, but better. I know I can't ever go back to him. If he has changed, I hope he finds happiness with someone else. I will not, I can't risk my heart. Even though I am still deeply in love with him, and no where near over him, I have come so, so far. I owe it to myself, and to my child to be healthy and happy. I will not risk my progress by going back. I truly feel that I couldn't live through it again, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. Am I wrong?
EgoJoe Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 You are not wrong to be reserved. If everything you say is true and correct, I feel for you.
wilsonx Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 what a dick with a capital D. All I have to say is you deserve the title" SuperMom "
dreamingoftigers Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 That little teeny part of you that thinks that you may be wrong: Take it and write all about it Crumple it up Throw it in a fire pit Pour gasoline on it Set it on fire Honey, I go to a Women's group every week. The ones that got out of situations like yours found their lives get better even if they sometimes were lonlier. A lot of times, they valued the solitude instead of worrying about what the schmuck was up to. Treat him like the plague ( unless you actually want him back, doesn't sound like it).
betterdeal Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Of course you're not wrong. You're so right it should be put in textbooks and dictionaries as a definition of right. You already have a child; why would you want another bigger, smellier, more spiteful, selfish, costly, unreliable one? If he wants to go to couples counselling then it's probably best if he goes with his partner, not his ex. If he wants to repair some of the damage by, say, repaying you the money you had to spend dealing with his vexatious litigation, great. Reformed burglars sometimes do repay their victims, but they don't necessarily move in with them. You trusted him and he hurt you in return.
daphne Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 The title of your post says it all. You know you can't go back. You'll probably go bald next time if you do. Find someone who is a better person. That really cannot be difficult.
Author chickenlicken Posted April 15, 2012 Author Posted April 15, 2012 Since my first post, he's called me to ask me if I've considered counseling. I didn't give him an answer. Last night, I was on a date (I'm casually dating, nothing serious), and I received a text message from my ex that said "hi boo". I called him and asked him if he accidentally sent me the text, and he said, "oooohhh, yeah". I hung up the phone, and he sent me a bunch of texts saying that it was an accident, sorry, he's not trying to play games. I called him back and told him that I don't believe for a second that it wasn't intentional, and that it better not happen again, that I know the only reason he wants to go to counseling is so that he can spin me a tale & eventually get me to reduce or eliminate his child support, and that that's never going to happen, and I would never go back to him because he's a terrible person, blah blah blah. I feel like he's just going to keep on doing this. I don't want tooooo! I know I don't really have a choice but to endure having to see him and having him torment me in various ways. I felt absolutely terrible after that happened. It ruined my date. I was in tears. I hate that he can still have such an impact on me. He hasn't been diagnosed with a personality disorder, but he is definitely a narcissist. The reason it's upsetting is because he used to call me that pet name. He told me the other day, "You'll always be my boo". Oh my gosh! The very fact that he said that the other day makes me believe that he really didn't do it accidentally. Whatever. It had me all upset, and like I said, it kind of ruined my evening. I hate that he can still have such an impact on me. It makes me frustrated with myself.
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