anyone believe in GROWING together?

[wwwjd]

Yeah, ima newb, forgive me dredging up old topics maybe, but it is new with you all, to me, here.

 

I been reading a lot of threads since coming here, and some women want sex, all men want sex, people are questioning what dating is and what to be to make a relationship work, yet almost no one mentions GROWING THE RELATIONSHIP.

 

No taking time to learn who the other person is deep down? No spending time to get over some RELATIONSHIP SPEED BUMPS together? No getting through the storms together as a team, GROWING and LEARNING how to compromise, compensate and conquer the pointless, tiny differences that could end a relationship?

 

Rather than dating 10 people and weeding out that or this because of looks or sex ability, what about picking one and investing some time into growing together. Believe it or not, through TALKING, a couple CAN improve their sex life with each other, rather than just saying, "he/she is not good enough in bed for me"

 

To end with some lame anologies:

- the Strongest trees took years to grow the deepest roots, and started as the tiniest seeds

- a rolling stone gathers no moss

- dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind

 

If you believe in the GROWING IN LOVE, over FALLING IN LOVE, please post here so I can have renewed faith in humankind.

[jobaba]

Yeah, ima newb, forgive me dredging up old topics maybe, but it is new with you all, to me, here.

 

I been reading a lot of threads since coming here, and some women want sex, all men want sex, people are questioning what dating is and what to be to make a relationship work, yet almost no one mentions GROWING THE RELATIONSHIP.

 

No taking time to learn who the other person is deep down? No spending time to get over some RELATIONSHIP SPEED BUMPS together? No getting through the storms together as a team, GROWING and LEARNING how to compromise, compensate and conquer the pointless, tiny differences that could end a relationship?

 

Rather than dating 10 people and weeding out that or this because of looks or sex ability, what about picking one and investing some time into growing together. Believe it or not, through TALKING, a couple CAN improve their sex life with each other, rather than just saying, "he/she is not good enough in bed for me"

 

To end with some lame anologies:

- the Strongest trees took years to grow the deepest roots, and started as the tiniest seeds

- a rolling stone gathers no moss

- dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind

 

If you believe in the GROWING IN LOVE, over FALLING IN LOVE, please post here so I can have renewed faith in humankind.

 

Wow. You must be a n00b, posting mumbo jumbo like this.

 

LS is all about finding dealbreakers and the more dealbreakers the better. After all, there's plenty of fish in the online sea.

 

But my current girlfriend, I thought we'd have nothing in common after the first date. She was religious, didn't seem to have any cultural relevance to me, and didn't drink. But she proactively texted me so I stuck it out.

 

Turns out we're into a lot of the same music and movies, she's not very steadfast about religion, and I've gotten her to start drinking!

 

So you never know.

[Jane2011]

Yes, I really want to grow with a person. I really want someone who accepts me, warts and all, and who I accept, warts and all.

 

I think it's why I'm still such good friends with my ex who I was with for five and a half years. We "grew together" for five years and now we're just like family to each other.

[veggirl]

Well, IMO you fall in love and then STAY in love by GROWING in your love together.

 

I can't just decide oh I'm gonna eventually be in love with this dude standing next to me, then date him and "grow in love". I *can* fall in love and then grow with that person though.

[Leigh 87]

Veg girl is spot on - you fall in love, and to maintain the love you must grow.

 

In life, no one SHOULD aspire to stay the same person, in all regards!

 

You should ALWAYS try to improve yourself! I certainly plan to grow as a person; and I am sure my boyfriend is the type of person who will grow with me.

I can see myself growing into a person my boyfriend will like even more; I also hope my boyfriend grows into a person I like more and more.

[setsenia]

Very good topic, actually to the contrary. I met my H when I was 16, statistics say we would have broken up by now or divorced by now. I am almost 23 now and we've been through so much together, family drama, childhood issues, financial issues, getting through college together etc etc. I can't say how many times I thought we would have broken up or gotten divorced. Most people who would have gone through what we did probably would have broken up or gotten divorced. I am amazed to say I am glad we grew together as individuals, matured and etc. Sometimes, it is inevitable that some grow apart. But both of us have matured and are on track to making better lives for ourselves. We've worked through a lot together and couldn't love each other more.

[Emilia]

Wow. You must be a n00b, posting mumbo jumbo like this.

 

LS is all about finding dealbreakers and the more dealbreakers the better. After all, there's plenty of fish in the online sea.

 

 

No, the original post is very valid.

 

Dating should not be about finding dealbreakers, certainly not the more the better. Plenty of fish in the sea is a terrible attitude to have in my opinion because it turns dating into online shopping. What a soulless way to be.

 

If you want a LTR you need to find a compatible person, that means working out whether the benefits you get from them outweigh what you need to compromise on - as compromise is inevitable. You have to be sensible when it comes to dealbreakers yes but to actively look for them rather than be positive in the relationship is not what I believe in. The dealbreakers will present themselves soon enough if you communicate and grow together - and you will be pleasantly surprised how many times you can compromise on much more than you had originally thought.

 

I'm with you OP

[wwwjd]

"Dating" ought to be learning the other person over time to see if you want to stick around. Not "3 dates until sex... YES!!" Any idiot (idiots) can succeed at that.

 

It takes a CONSCIOUS decision to decide, "Lets go ahead seal this deal, stick it out, go the distance, perservere, become one in love".

 

Trouble is, in todays world, you are not guarenteed the OTHER person knows that decision is an option to make. Seems the sticking around attitude is being bred out? So, EVERYONE wants relationships, always, but divorce is higher than ever? HELLO! Time to try a different approach.

 

I feel it is a travesty to split a grown relationship... maybe the Grass Greener thing... I'll trade cars, trades jobs, houses, even my interests and hobbies, but a spiritual/physical/emotional/mental/financial planted, watered, nurished, expanded connection? I'd rather keep that going and growing than just chuck it for a pretty skirt. THAT I think is the real defiition of shallow.... chucking that which is planted and working already, not just liking certain features.

 

And how do you find out if someone has THAT version of shallow? Only over time.

 

Ya know, I'd love to just skip the first 10 dates of "I'll try to impress you, you try to impress me" and get strait to, THIS is REALLY me. And hopefully, it is still just as impressing and entertaining.

 

Thanks for the feedback!

[zengirl]

I think it needs to be a combination. Of course, if you're going to get anywhere, you both have to mutually commit to growing the relationship. To me, that's what the commitment to become exclusive and committed (boyfriend & girlfriend) and call it a "relationship" entails. It means, "I have decided I want to try to grow with you." To me, marriage entails a continuation of that, where it promises, "We have grown together. I will do everything I can to continue growing with you so we stay together."

 

To me, dating prior to a relationship should involve no such commitment. You have to DECIDE the person is right enough for you to try growing with them, and you need some information for that to happen -- some of that "information" is going to be the beginning feelings of falling in love: chemistry, attraction, excitement, trust, intimacy, bonding, adoration, etc. If you aren't building some of that, it's probably not a good idea to try to grow with that person. There are very few people, IMO, for each person to successfully grow with at any given time.

[xxoo]

wwwjd, I've been in my relationship over 20 years. We have certainly grown in our love!

 

But it didn't take a long time for us to discover attraction to each other. It wasn't instant on my end, but it developed quickly after spending time together. We didn't start dating until after the attraction had developed (met and started spending time together in a non-dating situation).

 

The love developed during the dating period. It continues to grow to this day.

 

I think there is a different dynamic when you meet with intention to date (as in OLD), rather than meeting during the course of life, feeling attraction and connection when you chat, and then deciding to date. I understand why the people who do OLD would want to feel a spark or attraction within 3 dates, or move on. They aren't doing OLD to make platonic friends, after all. They are doing it to find a romantic partner. Why would they continue to date someone when there is no attraction? Yes, it could develop, but what are the chances that it will?

 

Of course, none of that means you need to have sex within 3 dates.

[wwwjd]

I love your post veg. Very well put.

I'll counter your final sentance and say I believe there are a lot more people we COULD grow with, IF we choose to put forth the effort. If it's an obvious missmatch, probably won't even last through one date. But most normal human beings are all the same deep down at the core, same wants and needs, and growing is simply dealing with the individuality of the person. Not sure if I am being clear on my explanation.

 

People might say, I don't want to "settle"... but a lot of growth IS settling if ya think about it. Now I'm painting myself into some corner... hahahhaha

 

but I think we could grow with a lot more than we give ourselves credit for while searching for the top 3% skimmed off the top matching our needs and wants list. Not saying we should "SETTLE FOR LESS", but maybe some of that stuff just doesn't really matter in the large scheme of things?

[xxoo]

I love your post veg. Very well put.

I'll counter your final sentance and say I believe there are a lot more people we COULD grow with, IF we choose to put forth the effort. If it's an obvious missmatch, probably won't even last through one date. But most normal human beings are all the same deep down at the core, same wants and needs, and growing is simply dealing with the individuality of the person. Not sure if I am being clear on my explanation.

 

People might say, I don't want to "settle"... but a lot of growth IS settling if ya think about it. Now I'm painting myself into some corner... hahahhaha

 

but I think we could grow with a lot more than we give ourselves credit for while searching for the top 3% skimmed off the top matching our needs and wants list. Not saying we should "SETTLE FOR LESS", but maybe some of that stuff just doesn't really matter in the large scheme of things?

 

Don't you feel that you connect more with some people than others? Most of us want to find someone we connect with, who is also functional partner (no addiction, no untreated mental illness, can hold a job, etc).

 

Settling would be finding someone who is a good, functional partner, but not feeling that connection, love, and attraction we know we can feel.

 

Others make the mistake of ignoring true dealbreakers, because of the connection is so strong and feels so good.

 

The challenge is to find someone with whom we can have both: the connection, and the functional relationship. I disagree that we could create that with just anyone.

[zengirl]

People might say, I don't want to "settle"... but a lot of growth IS settling if ya think about it. Now I'm painting myself into some corner... hahahhaha

 

Well, a lot of deciding anything can be "settling" in some way. To get anything, we need to give other stuff up. That's the nature of choices.

[wwwjd]

Is ignoring true dealbreakers, and getting around them until they no longer matter, called "Growing"?

 

here's my bad and superficail just for the sake of this example, example:

 

If I didn't like blond hair. I mean can't stand it, grew up teaching myself to avoid blonds, never want to be with one, would certainly not consider marrying one... that's my deal breaker....

 

But I met one, and ignored this dealbreaker long enough to where her hair color no longer mattered and I was in love with the rest of her.

I think that is growth, mixed with compromise, and then it is no longer a dealbreaker. So we grew together, and I ended up SETTLING for a blond. Although I no longer see it as settling. Just for example.

 

(BTW I actually love all hair color equally - makes no diff to me)

[Emilia]

Is ignoring true dealbreakers, and getting around them until they no longer matter, called "Growing"?

 

here's my bad and superficail just for the sake of this example, example:

 

If I didn't like blond hair. I mean can't stand it, grew up teaching myself to avoid blonds, never want to be with one, would certainly not consider marrying one... that's my deal breaker....

 

But I met one, and ignored this dealbreaker long enough to where her hair color no longer mattered and I was in love with the rest of her.

I think that is growth, mixed with compromise, and then it is no longer a dealbreaker. So we grew together, and I ended up SETTLING for a blond. Although I no longer see it as settling. Just for example.

 

(BTW I actually love all hair color equally - makes no diff to me)

 

This is what I meant in my post. In your example you would have learnt that hair colour didn't matter to you at all. You THOUGHT that it was a dealbreaker but really it wasn't in the end.

 

There are plenty (like wanting kids or not) that are objectively dealbreakers because most people would struggle to live with someone who felt the complete opposite. However, there are plenty others that some initially see as non-negotiable only to learn as they grow that with the right person they are able to compromise much more.

[Negative Nancy]

Rather than dating 10 people and weeding out that or this because of looks or sex ability, what about picking one and investing some time into growing together. Believe it or not, through TALKING, a couple CAN improve their sex life with each other, rather than just saying, "he/she is not good enough in bed for me"

 

yeah, i've never understood the silly american concept of "multi-dating". it makes you get to know alot of people on a wide basis, but there's no depth. it's impossible to really get to know someone when you are dating 20 other people at the same time. it just reflects the superficiality of the american society.

[Els]

No, the original post is very valid.

 

Dating should not be about finding dealbreakers, certainly not the more the better. Plenty of fish in the sea is a terrible attitude to have in my opinion because it turns dating into online shopping. What a soulless way to be.

 

If you want a LTR you need to find a compatible person, that means working out whether the benefits you get from them outweigh what you need to compromise on - as compromise is inevitable. You have to be sensible when it comes to dealbreakers yes but to actively look for them rather than be positive in the relationship is not what I believe in. The dealbreakers will present themselves soon enough if you communicate and grow together - and you will be pleasantly surprised how many times you can compromise on much more than you had originally thought.

 

I'm with you OP

 

I'm pretty sure jobaba intended that as a tongue-in-cheek post. Given half of the stuff I've seen on LS, I'm inclined to see why.

 

But yes, I completely agree with the OP, as well as veggirl's clarification of it.

[wwwjd]

yeah, i've never understood the silly american concept of "multi-dating". it makes you get to know alot of people on a wide basis, but there's no depth. it's impossible to really get to know someone when you are dating 20 other people at the same time. it just reflects the superficiality of the american society.

 

Yes, we (Americans) are such a fast-food, fast everything society anymore. And I hate that. It ruins everything, but I guess we are so busy being fast on to the next whatever, that we just don't notice. It IS very sad and pathetic, but you can't tell them (us, since I am one) any different because our french fried stuffed, 6000 cable channel, internet surfing, multi-communications device swimming, A.D.D. brains won't listen.

 

So, I post short, interesting threads online to exercise my brain cells

[wwwjd]

This is what I meant in my post. In your example you would have learnt that hair colour didn't matter to you at all. You THOUGHT that it was a dealbreaker but really it wasn't in the end.

 

Gotcha now. Probably took me a minute to work though it via my post. Salute!

[xxoo]

Is ignoring true dealbreakers, and getting around them until they no longer matter, called "Growing"?

 

here's my bad and superficail just for the sake of this example, example:

 

If I didn't like blond hair. I mean can't stand it, grew up teaching myself to avoid blonds, never want to be with one, would certainly not consider marrying one... that's my deal breaker....

 

Considering hair color a dealbreaker misses the point of dealbreakers.

[zengirl]

Considering hair color a dealbreaker misses the point of dealbreakers.

 

Ha! So true. We may have preferences in hair color, but dealbreakers? Seriously.

 

Also, Elswyth and I liked this at exactly the same time. There were no "likes" when I clicked and we both appeared after it loaded. I find that amusing. Jinx!

[Els]

Ha! So true. We may have preferences in hair color, but dealbreakers? Seriously.

 

Also, Elswyth and I liked this at exactly the same time. There were no "likes" when I clicked and we both appeared after it loaded. I find that amusing. Jinx!

 

ROFL, really??? :laugh:

[wwwjd]

Considering hair color a dealbreaker misses the point of dealbreakers.

 

JUST an obvious example... I knew it was a bad one but just needed one quick I tried to explain around it

[OliveOyl]

I think a lot of people have "dealbreakers" which really need not be, if they were patient and able to realize that in the scheme of things, the so-called "dealbreakers" really don't matter. I'm not talking about overall attraction or general compatibility: of course that's important.

 

What I AM talking about is stuff (which I've seen posted here) like: deciding to dump someone because they have a mole or two on their face; deciding the man MUST make more money than the woman, deciding that if the person gains weight, they are losers, deciding if they DO drink, they're losers, if they DON'T drink, they're losers. Too educated? Emasculating. Not educated enough? Pass. Balding? Outta here. A few gray hairs? Too bad, so sad.

 

The lists of dealbreakers seem to go on and on and on for people on LS. I mean, seriously!

 

I have been dating a guy for a year now and he has a handful of what would probably be "dealbreakers" to others here. But they are not dealbreakers to me at all. For one thing, I don't need anyone to validate who I am, to pay for me, pay for trips or vacations, or impress my friends or family. What I NEED is someone to love and care for and travel through this wild adventure called "life" together. And I have decided to "grow" with him... in fact I am moving in with him this month and I am very excited.

 

I have learned something after having one marriage end in divorce. And that is, those issues that were not resolved pretty much tend to recur. In hindsight, I realize some of the issues in my marriage were unavoidable and if I had been more mature at the time, I would have -- we would have-- worked through them.

 

So yes, I do believe in growing together. I have the highest hopes of bringing that philosophy into my current relationship.

[wwwjd]

now that is interesting... we should start a thread about what divorced people have learned, that can help DATERS. I'm sure there is a whole section here on divorce, but not something that allows that info to flow into daters heads... ??