Sassy1528 Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 I'm a mother to two girls and their dad is a alcoholic who won't seek treatment. I'm stressed to the point of divorce but am absolutely terrified of hurting our kids and him.
Jstub Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 I'm a mother to two girls and their dad is a alcoholic who won't seek treatment. I'm stressed to the point of divorce but am absolutely terrified of hurting our kids and him. A little more information would not hurt. No one can give you advice like this.
elfman Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Hello, sorry to hear about your situation. I want to make something clear from the start: In a divorce, everyone involved "gets hurt" in some measure or another. The only way to decrease the hurt put on your kids by the divorce is by doing things intelligently and by always putting their needs ahead of yours and your spouse's. Alcoholism is very hard on children, and I can relate to your concern. Has your husband negated help by going to a therapist? AA? Whatever you do, you have to make him sit down to listen to you when he is SOBER, in fact, I would pick a place where he will not be able to go for a bottle, like church or a breakfast place. Have you talked to him about separation/divorce in the past? If so what was his reaction? Is he abusive towards you or your kids when he is under the influence? Have you ever made a charge against him because of domestic violence? This is all information which is important when filing for full custody, (which I imagine you want to do considering his condition). The first thing I would suggest is to talk to him about it when he is sober, and like I said, somewhere where alcohol would not be an option to hide on his part. You will find a lot of posters here with awesome advice (I am not one of them since I am fairly new), but remember that there are people listening, and you are not alone. Good luck and god bless you and your kids... E. P.S: More information regarding your situation would help to establish advise on a course of action from the posters. Years married? Years that your husband has been abusing alcohol? Living arrangements, possible financial issues, etc. I know it's hard opening up, but remember, the more info you post, the better the advise will be.
Author Sassy1528 Posted April 12, 2012 Author Posted April 12, 2012 Well I have know him for 13 years and we have been together for 10. For about 5 or 6 years he has been addicted to alcohol. He has not been violent towards us but has broken many doors, windows, and threatened suicide. He knows that hurts as my dad committed suicide. I have offered resources like counseling and as at any cost and I have stood by his side loyally throughout it all. I ask him to seek help but he just refuses.
elfman Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 (edited) Hey Sassy, Ok, thanks for the further info. Well, I have some experience with alcoholics (I myself rarely drink, very rarely), I hate drunks. It is rare to be having problems with alcohol for so long and not see evident damage to career, work, family, etc. I guess if you have exhausted the help offers all that is left to do is talk about a possible separation. You are obviously willing to help him, and you still care enough for him to not want to hurt him, you have to make sure he understands this. As to threatening suicide, I really do not know what to say except that maybe you should speak to his family, if they are close, and seek their help. the problem with people who threaten suicide is that, in most cases, it's just that, an empty threat, but if only one of those people end up committing suicide it makes disproving the threat impossible. I do not know him to say if his case is just an empty threat. How is his relationship with the girls? How old are they, can they be counted on to support you in helping him get better? Can they talk to their father? (Intervention, I am not saying use young kids for this, but if they are in the high teens they can become a very strong motivator for an alcoholic, I know from experience). Remember, every poster here who takes the time to answer is listening intently, there is a way to do this right, and I think you came to the right place to start handling your ordeal. Good luck E. Edited April 12, 2012 by elfman
PeineDeCoeur Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Well I have know him for 13 years and we have been together for 10. For about 5 or 6 years he has been addicted to alcohol. He has not been violent towards us but has broken many doors, windows, and threatened suicide. He knows that hurts as my dad committed suicide. I have offered resources like counseling and as at any cost and I have stood by his side loyally throughout it all. I ask him to seek help but he just refuses. Hi Sassy; Are you and your girls safe with him around? I ask because I've had to split from my stbxh because I could no longer trust his self-destructive behaviour, and with young kids involved.. eventually I realized he could no longer live with us. It's like watching a slow car crash and being helpless to do anything to stop it. I think it's time for you to start considering your situation and put yourself and your children first. He needs help, but I find that they do not listen to the ones closest to them. You cannot be his saviour and you should not martyr yourself trying. Maybe some real consequences (ie losing you) will motivate him to seek help, but it also might not. I still struggle sometimes feeling guilty and responsible because he needs help and support - but these can be provided in different ways and other people in his life can help by giving support too. Somehow he couldn't get his act together while living with us.
elfman Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 I think it's time for you to start considering your situation and put yourself and your children first. He needs help, but I find that they do not listen to the ones closest to them. You cannot be his saviour and you should not martyr yourself trying. Maybe some real consequences (ie losing you) will motivate him to seek help, but it also might not. I agree, sometimes all that is required to help someone who does not accept it is for the people closest to him/her rattling their chain, in essence, "shaking the tree", "cutting the cords", "a strong wake-up call"... etc. E.
Author Sassy1528 Posted April 13, 2012 Author Posted April 13, 2012 When it comes to the kids he has a good relationship with them because he is a stay at home dad so they are always with him. He will sometimes yell and make things more dramatic than it should be. We have two girls age five and two. Our five year old knows its a problem already and I don't want this to effect her when she goes to school in a few months. We did split up briefly last year and she was torn apart over it. My biggest fear is seeing my children hurt.
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