missinglove89 Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 I've been married for just over 3 years and unfortunately I have also been having an affair for over one year. I started dating my husband when I was only 14! We've been a couple for going on 10 years And I feel like I never got to live life. He and I are very different. Hes shy and I am very social but he hates that. I used to tend to him hand and foot and he never was attentive or romantic to me. After I had my child I just began to think that I needed to be tended to also but when I began to ask for attention from him Is wen we started having issues. I feel that to be happy with him I have to put my social life in the trash. As I said at first I am having an intimate affair with another man and most of the time I love it. I feel like I am myself with him and he opened my eyes to so much. He has very high goals in life and I love that about him. When we started this "relationship" I let him know it would be just sex but of course it's turned into more. And I often imagine being in a relationship with him instead. Although he doesn't say it directly I think he wants that too. although realistically we both know it wouldnt last. I don't want to divorce thinking that it's for him because I know relationships never last forever but I'm really attracted to his personality and his outlook on life. I've been contemplating divorce pretty much for 2 years now and everytime I bring it up to my husband he Denies we have issues and we can work out any small things. He knows what I want to do. I am just so scared of making a wrong decision. Is it selfish of me to want to live my life and not be responsible for his happiness?? Should I just move on from this marriage? I feel comfortable not in love any more and separating is on my mind 24/7. I would really appreciate any advice, this is the most confused I have been in life. p.s. i recently have tried to stop talking to the OM but he knows i care about him to stop and does not make it easy on me.
trinity1 Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 It is not selfish of you to care about your own happiness. By caring about your own happiness you teach your child to care about his/her happiness, so he/she too can be happy as an adult. You are not responsible for your husband's happiness, and neither can you make him happy by staying with him for his sake only. It seems you are ready to move on. You got married very young and you really don't seem that compatible judging from your post. Falling in love with another man is yet another sign that it is time to move on. But of course you are the one who has to decide when/if it is time. Good luck. Hope you find your own path in all this and figure out how to live a rich, fulfilling life!
despicableME Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 (edited) When we started this "relationship" I let him know it would be just sex but of course it's turned into more. Oy vey. I am just so scared of making a wrong decision. You have already made a horrible decision by pursuing this affair. Come clean to your husband and let him go. He has a right to know who he's been married to this past year. Let me tell you... it ain't the woman he put the ring on. trinity1, I don't know WTF you're talking about?!?!?! She's a married woman! How can you be so cavalier about the deception she's playing on her husband? This is not considered "moving on." If she was so unhappy, she should have ended her marriage and then pursued another relationship. She's in a deep fog right now... everything is "peachy" with OM. Once reality hits her, she'll see what a horrible mistake she's committed at the expense of another human being. Edited April 12, 2012 by despicableME 1
MissBee Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 (edited) I've been married for just over 3 years and unfortunately I have also been having an affair for over one year. I started dating my husband when I was only 14! We've been a couple for going on 10 years And I feel like I never got to live life. He and I are very different. Hes shy and I am very social but he hates that. I used to tend to him hand and foot and he never was attentive or romantic to me. After I had my child I just began to think that I needed to be tended to also but when I began to ask for attention from him Is wen we started having issues. I feel that to be happy with him I have to put my social life in the trash. As I said at first I am having an intimate affair with another man and most of the time I love it. I feel like I am myself with him and he opened my eyes to so much. He has very high goals in life and I love that about him. When we started this "relationship" I let him know it would be just sex but of course it's turned into more. And I often imagine being in a relationship with him instead. Although he doesn't say it directly I think he wants that too. although realistically we both know it wouldnt last. I don't want to divorce thinking that it's for him because I know relationships never last forever but I'm really attracted to his personality and his outlook on life. I've been contemplating divorce pretty much for 2 years now and everytime I bring it up to my husband he Denies we have issues and we can work out any small things. He knows what I want to do. I am just so scared of making a wrong decision. Is it selfish of me to want to live my life and not be responsible for his happiness?? Should I just move on from this marriage? I feel comfortable not in love any more and separating is on my mind 24/7. I would really appreciate any advice, this is the most confused I have been in life. p.s. i recently have tried to stop talking to the OM but he knows i care about him to stop and does not make it easy on me. I don't believe anyone should have a serious boyfriend at 14 and do think that you can lose out if you've dated the same person since you were a kid and then marry them. I think it is often necessary to spread your wings and come into your own as a single person and be allowed to explore before deciding to marry once you're an adult. That said....seems like that did not happen for you and now you feel restless. You are right not to leave your marriage for another relationship, but I do think you need to decide on what to do FOR YOU. Not for your husband or the OM. You aren't responsible for your husband's happiness but you are responsible for loving him and treating him with respect etc. If he refuses to listen to you and ignores your cries for attention or that there are problems, you need to seriously sit him down and tell him the truth that you guys need to go to marriage counseling or figure out something because you have been thinking of divorce....you probably will also need to admit to the affair. I cannot imagine suffering silently in any relationship. I would have to to be adamant that I am not happy, denying it isn't working and we need counseling and if there is no response on his part, then divorce will be imminent. Point is: although you're scared, you have to do something. Not doing anything is what makes you on edge everyday and keeps you in limbo. Take some space from the A and try to think about what you want and need. Perhaps you can see a counselor who can help you sort out how you feel before you address your marriage as a couple. Perhaps marrying your husband was not the best idea...but cheating also isn't. So it would be great to figure out what it boils down to and where you need to go from here, i.e. work on the marriage or get a divorce and be a single woman who can now have the opportunity to date and learn about herself. Goodluck! Edited April 12, 2012 by MissBee 3
HHC Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Does your husband know? and if not, why not? My husband and I are very different. I like to go out and be social and he would rather stay at home and be alone, or just us. He can sit still for hours just thinking, I get bored after 3 minutes. I am very sexual and an exhibitionist while he is an introvert. I don't try to change him and he doesn't try to change me. We support each other and encourage each other to do what makes them happy. My husband lets me go out and has even allowed me to sleep with people outside of our marriage. However, I have never hidden anything from my husband and I have never cheated on him. You need to look at the affair and your marriage as two different things. Stop the affair and look hard at the person you've chosen as a mate. Are YOU doing everything to make him feel loved, secure and encouraged? Are you supporting him being who he needs to be to make him happy? What needs to happen for both of you to feel happy and whole? Divorce? counselling? understanding?
whichwayisup Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Oy vey. You have already made a horrible decision by pursuing this affair. Come clean to your husband and let him go. He has a right to know who he's been married to this past year. Let me tell you... it ain't the woman he put the ring on. trinity1, I don't know WTF you're talking about?!?!?! She's a married woman! How can you be so cavalier about the deception she's playing on her husband? This is not considered "moving on." If she was so unhappy, she should have ended her marriage and then pursued another relationship. She's in a deep fog right now... everything is "peachy" with OM. Once reality hits her, she'll see what a horrible mistake she's committed at the expense of another human being. I agree with this completely. Divorce first and then go and date other guys, or this guy. 3
woinlove Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 I agree with the advice about coming clean to your H. I think one is less likely to establish a pattern for future cheating if one comes clean and is honest and deals with the consequences. Divorce is often difficult, but one can still try to treat each other with respect and I think that is best for any children involved. Best to try to move to that position if you can.
findingnemo Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Yep...get a D and please do explain to your H that you have outgrown a R that probably shouldn't have turned into a M. Be gentle and try to make him understand that this has nothing to do with him per se. What you say about his personality is irrelevant because it isn't enough in his eyes to warrant breaking up your M. But when you tell him you had an A, he will realize the issues are important to you...so important in fact that you broke your vows. When you tell him the truth, you will enable him to let you go. 1
nofool4u Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 He and I are very different. Hes shy and I am very social but he hates that. Well ya, you are so social you are cheating. He must have picked up on that part of your character. I used to tend to him hand and foot and he never was attentive or romantic to me. After I had my child I just began to think that I needed to be tended to also but when I began to ask for attention from him Is wen we started having issues. Ok, so if we hear you correctly, your cheating is all his fault. Ok brilliant, you have every excuse in the world to divorce him so you can sew those oats you so desperately want to sew. As I said at first I am having an intimate affair with another man and most of the time I love it. I feel like I am myself with him and he opened my eyes to so much. And if you were to end up with him, then give it the same 10 years and you'll be bored all over again. He has very high goals in life and I love that about him. When we started this "relationship" I let him know it would be just sex but of course it's turned into more. And I often imagine being in a relationship with him instead. Although he doesn't say it directly I think he wants that too. although realistically we both know it wouldnt last. And why not? Because you wouldn't be fit for a committed relationship? I don't want to divorce thinking that it's for him because I know relationships never last forever but I'm really attracted to his personality and his outlook on life. So you don't want to divorce your H and set him free from you? If he is as bad as you say, why wouldn't you divorce? Perhaps the way you portray him isn't accurate and you are using it as an excuse? Either way, divorce should be on the table so no more years of your H's life is wasted, and you can then go off and do whatever it is you want to do. I am just so scared of making a wrong decision. Is it selfish of me to want to live my life and not be responsible for his happiness?? No, its selfish of you to not set him free and think you can go off and keep having your cake and eat it too. Should I just move on from this marriage? Yes I feel comfortable not in love any more and separating is on my mind 24/7. I would really appreciate any advice, this is the most confused I have been in life. p.s. i recently have tried to stop talking to the OM but he knows i care about him to stop and does not make it easy on me. Divorce your husband so he can get on with his life. Don't waste any more of his time.
nofool4u Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Yep...get a D and please do explain to your H that you have outgrown a R that probably shouldn't have turned into a M. Be gentle and try to make him understand that this has nothing to do with him per se. What you say about his personality is irrelevant because it isn't enough in his eyes to warrant breaking up your M. But when you tell him you had an A, he will realize the issues are important to you...so important in fact that you broke your vows. When you tell him the truth, you will enable him to let you go. Exactly. He doesn't want a divorce right now because he doesn't know she is a cheater. If she gave him the information he deserves to have he might go from, "we can work this out" to "oh, really? you went out and had sex with another man? F it then, I want to be rid of you" Of course there is a small chance of him still, for some gawd awful reason, wants to keep a M with her. But at least he'll have the information to make a decision about his life and not let her make it for him.
jwi71 Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 OP needs someone to make her happy as she cannot be happy on her own. H is not going to be able to make her happy 24/7. OP needs to tell her H she is sleeping with another man and ask for a divorce. I strongly disagree with this and the others who also advise divulging the A and then D. It's cruel and patently unnecessary. Why inflict that unnecessary pain when you are walking away? I just don't get it. If you are going to D I would NOT tell of your A. Just file and be done. However, if you are going to attempt to R then you MUST come clean and admit the A. It's almost impossible to truly regain that intimacy with that secret between you. 1
nofool4u Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Hopefully she can have a full relationship with OM once she is a single woman. Hopefully OM is a single and a nice person. However, he could also be an SOB. That shouldn't be her H's problem. She should set her H free and take her chances as to just what kind of man the OM is. Until she gets bored in monogamy with him too.
nofool4u Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 I strongly disagree with this and the others who also advise divulging the A and then D. It's cruel and patently unnecessary. Why inflict that unnecessary pain when you are walking away? I just don't get it. Because in this case, her H doesn't want a divorce. Perhaps if he knew he'd feel differently. If I had no idea my x-wife was screwing around and she wanted to divorce, I'd fight it. But since I found out she was a cheating POS, I told her I wanted nothing to do with her. If you are going to D I would NOT tell of your A. Just file and be done. Problem with that is, he may grieve and mourn the loss of the marriage without knowing why. If he knew why, rather than feeling sorry for himself and slip into depression, he could, like me, get angry, then channel that anger into something positive, like standing up, brushing himself off, and working on making himself better. Either way, he does not want a divorce because he doesn't know what she is.
stillafool Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 I strongly disagree with this and the others who also advise divulging the A and then D. It's cruel and patently unnecessary. Why inflict that unnecessary pain when you are walking away? I just don't get it. If you are going to D I would NOT tell of your A. Just file and be done. However, if you are going to attempt to R then you MUST come clean and admit the A. It's almost impossible to truly regain that intimacy with that secret between you. I disagree. If her husband knows that she has been involved in an affair it may make it easier for him to let her go. Also he will have a better understanding as to why his marriage fell apart. He deserves to know the truth because he may end up fighting for someone who is not worth his time. 1
jwi71 Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Because in this case, her H doesn't want a divorce. Perhaps if he knew he'd feel differently. I understand what you are saying. But I don't know if you understand what I am saying. And maybe I wasn't clear. It doesn't matter if her H doesn't want to D. If the OP wants a D and isn't interested in anything else ( namely R) there is no point aside from cruelty in disclosure. Her H's feelings and wants do not matter if her mind is made up. IMO, it's cruel to divulge the A when one has no intention of staying M. That's my point.
jwi71 Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 The problem with this lie (even if it is a lie out of pity) is that the H may try to save the marriage when there is nothing to save. H also needs to know about the affair to get checked for STDs and HPV which can cause throat cancer in young men. I get it. I know what you are saying. Clearly my reply was a bad one, I didn't articulate my thoughts well. At all. If the OP has no interest in being M to her BS there is no point in disclosure. The BS may try all that you mention and if the OP already has her mind made up - its all for naught. Time, words and maybe MC money wasted - if the OP truly wants out. Just use all the excuses for the A as reasons to your BS for wanting out, file for D and move on. But tell of the A - just plain mean in that circumstance.
Author missinglove89 Posted April 12, 2012 Author Posted April 12, 2012 It is not selfish of you to care about your own happiness. By caring about your own happiness you teach your child to care about his/her happiness, so he/she too can be happy as an adult. You are not responsible for your husband's happiness, and neither can you make him happy by staying with him for his sake only. It seems you are ready to move on. You got married very young and you really don't seem that compatible judging from your post. Falling in love with another man is yet another sign that it is time to move on. But of course you are the one who has to decide when/if it is time. Good luck. Hope you find your own path in all this and figure out how to live a rich, fulfilling life! thanks i really appreciate this advice. i have actually told my husband about separating but he is making it difficult to do so, i know if i tell him about the A it will end it easily but i do not want to tell him for fear of hurting him more than i have done already. i know it will be confusing if i leave him without reasoning but i feel its for the best. and i actually have told the OM about ending it as well but he is making it very difficult for me. i feel that i might be a sex addict and need to separate myself from any intimacy completely. thanks again for taking the time to post.
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