singlelife Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Me and some friends were discussing this. whether it is in the dating world or just in general does it pay to just be nice and not try to get over.
USMCHokie Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 I don't like to use the word "nice." I'd rather use respectful or considerate. I will respect someone until they give me a reason not to. One others see it come from you, more often than not, they will return in kind. In the dating world, I find this absolutely crucial, simply because it tends to attract the kind of women who would be compatible with me... To each their own... 4
dasein Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 When you are generally nice, people never see it coming when you slide the knife in. 2
Woggle Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Sometimes I wonder. It seems like the not so nice people tend to be the winners in life. 2
Emilia Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Depends on what your definition of nice is. Assertive and generous are the words I believe in. I think you should behave according to the type of people you want to attract. If you play games, use neg hits, you will attract insecure drama-queens, if you are fair but assertive, you will attract more quality women. As for the world in general, I think when it comes to career and work, it pays to be a bit of a bastard. I'd like to think that's different from interpersonal relationships though because you should be able to trust friends and family. Not the same with your colleagues though of course. 1
Teal Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 If you're being nice expecting a measurable payout, then no. If you're doing it because you're opposed to the damage mean treatment and indifference to suffering causes, then yes.
Leigh 87 Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 I am nice because it makes me feel good. It is an attribute of my personalitie, for which I am the most proud. Even above things like being creative, hard working, and other things people consider to be great points. It is just me; I really enjoy being nice. Not because it gets me places. The other month, there was a homeless women, pushing her trolley of clothes and goods across the footpath... ... it fell onto the road, and so I tried to help, by picking up her things. She was belligerently grabbing her stuff and literally throwing it HARD back into her bags.... I stepped right out of the way... she told me to piss off and leave her alone. Did that deter me from being nice? Not at all. I just felt sorry for her, and wished her well. Furthermore, plenty of stupid people, who are not that nice, have a LOT of friends... I have moved towns and have not yet branched out and met people really. And yet, I see people more stupid than I am who type poorly spelt, stupid statuses on facebook, with profile pics of themselves in their underwear posing provocatively, and are bitchy; where as I am very nice, have had a great body without flaunting it on facebook, and can at least type the basic words out. Plenty of stupid, mean people have something about them, that attracts people to them. Weather the people attracted to them are quality people? Probably not. All the same, they have a lot of friends around them constantly. For me, I just really feel happy when I smile a lot, and am positive and happy. It is a trait that is attractive to guys, too, even the ones whio are not interested in you sexually. A cold b8tch is not attractive, even if she is super ambitious, successful, and attractive. I would not date a girl like that, if I were a guy... I am a sucker for nice people:) 1
january2011 Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 (edited) A wise man once told me that if he were looking to flirt, he'd find someone who is intelligent; if he were looking to have great sex, he'd look for someone with a great body and if he were looking for someone to marry, he'd look for a nice person. Then he began to tell me that his wife was a nice person. I could tell that he loved her very much. I think there is some truth in his words, if you take 'nice' to mean kind and empathetic. If you're going for a long-term relationship, better to be in one with someone who is 'nice' than someone who is nasty - they tend to be only good for the short-term. Sadly, in this day and age, there are very few truly nice people in the world. Biggest benefit, in my opinion: good karma. You never know when being nasty will bite you in the ass. Edited April 12, 2012 by january2011 1
Emilia Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Sadly, in this day and age, there are very few truly nice people in the world. I don't understand why people make comments like this. There are fewer wars than ever before and in the Western World murder rates in general are down. In Medieval times people would be hung and quartered. Prostitution during Victorian times was more widely spread in England than now. Murdering, raping and pilaging were the done thing when towns were occupied during wars.
gaius Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 There are fewer wars than ever before and in the Western World murder rates in general are down. In Medieval times people would be hung and quartered. Now we have no way to get rid of the as*holes.
zengirl Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 I live my life based on a concept called "Enlightened self-interest." It essentially means that I do what's in my own best interest, BUT not in a cutthroat, short-term, short-sighted way like people think of nowadays. I do believe it is in my personal best interest to be a nice and kind person, and I believe anyone with enlightened self-interest would feel that way. Why? Well, for a few reasons: 1.) When you are kind and believe in people's better natures, you get better reactions from them on average. (i.e. If I go up to someone and say, "Stop being a jerk!" they're probably going to be a jerk. The same happens in reverse when you're nice and assume the best. Not always, mind you, but enough that it's worth it. People want to live up to good reputations and they're happy to live down to bad ones, if you assign them.) 2.) It's easier to be happy when I'm being nice, 3.) There is no reason not to be nice in most cases. The exception would be where someone was clearly being willfully malicious. Even then, the solution is almost always to get away from such behaviors, rather than perpetuate them by mimicking them yourself. Now, being nice doesn't mean being a doormat. It is crucial to be assertive, as well as kind. Nice doesn't mean burying your own needs or giving in to everything someone else wants. It just means respecting others, being generally pleasant and considerate, and operating in a way where you can recognize that most of the time your needs are not competing with the needs of others and there is plenty to go around. There is a nice way to say "No" when you need to. Some people (who are not nice) will not want to hear it, but that's okay. When we are nice, kind, and good, I believe it should first and foremost be for ourselves. I do think it also brings about better results, but I think anyone doing something primarily for the results has pretty terrible character and is not nice at all. They're manipulative. 2
thatone Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 I don't understand why people make comments like this. There are fewer wars than ever before and in the Western World murder rates in general are down. In Medieval times people would be hung and quartered. Prostitution during Victorian times was more widely spread in England than now. Murdering, raping and pilaging were the done thing when towns were occupied during wars. in america history only goes back to 1929. we r dum.
prune juice Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Depends on what your definition of nice is. Assertive and generous are the words I believe in. I think you should behave according to the type of people you want to attract. If you play games, use neg hits, you will attract insecure drama-queens, if you are fair but assertive, you will attract more quality women. As for the world in general, I think when it comes to career and work, it pays to be a bit of a bastard. I'd like to think that's different from interpersonal relationships though because you should be able to trust friends and family. Not the same with your colleagues though of course. it pays to be a bit of a bastard at work. it pays to be even more of a bastard with girls. neg hits work with average women, girl next door women too.
january2011 Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 I don't understand why people make comments like this. There are people who occasionally do nice things and people who do one very nice thing for a lot of people at the same time, but very few people do nice things for others all the time. We can't, the world isn't really built that way. We're inherently selfish. Though we're not selfish all the time. Just as we can't be nice all the time. I do volunteer work, I help my friends and families and even complete strangers, when I can, but I don't think I'm a truly nice person. In fact, I think I'm very selfish. I think it's more realistic to accept the world and the people in it have flaws. We are capable of great acts of kindness and compassion, but we are also flawed and could do better, most of the time. 1
RiverRunning Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 When I met my first ex-boyfriend, I was completely in denial about the awful way that he treated me...and the awful way that he treated his siblings, his parents (who doted on the little spoiled brat), friends, you name it. We had been dating close to a year when I found a restaurant receipt...and I first learned that he had a policy of NEVER tipping the wait staff. I confronted him and from then on - the few more months our relationship lasted - I would never allow him to pay. In fact, I started avoiding some of the restaurants where he paid because I was so embarrassed to learn that he would never leave a tip if he paid by debit or credit card (he never paid with cash). From then on, I had a strict policy of observing people. My last ex had a short fuse when we first began dating, but he was always courteous and polite to people. He insisted on buying me lunch whenever we went out. Before we had even met in person (while I was dating my first ex! Not what it sounds like - my second boyfriend was an online friend at the time), my car broke down. NO one, not even my then-boyfriend, offered to help me out or drive me to school. My future-boyfriend did. That sort of kindness spoke volumes to me. The fact that he was a polite, decent and respectful person who didn't feel that he was 'above' anyone else was what landed him the relationship. While he did put me through the wringer with some of his immaturity, he eventually grew up and turned out to be an amazing guy. Which is one of the reasons I'm thinking maybe we'll someday get back together Point being? Girls with low self-esteem tolerate jerkbags. Some women want that kind of treatment because that's the only kind of treatment with which they're familiar (women who grew up with absent, negligent or abusive fathers, for example, or who have only been in relationships with men like that). I can say that I would NEVER want a bad boy. In my mid-20s, I'm too old for some guy's dramatic "I am sooo hot and so awesome and I'm going to treat everyone around me like crap" crap. I want a decent, respectful, awesome guy. 1
fishtaco Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 First of all, people that are nice because they'd gain something in return are not considered nice. So I believe there is only one reason to be nice... because you feel like it. Second, there is no benefit to being nice other than the above point... you won't feel good if you weren't nice. You can thank your conscience for that. And for the practical real world, woggle is right. Intelligent psychopaths are winners when it comes to many life goals. They are smart enough to either stay away from breaking the law, or to avoid prosecution, and they have no conscience holding them back. I do believe people born without a conscience (psychopaths) get a free ride. I'm not religious, so I don't believe in some sort of divine punishment after death. Fairness and justice are very artificial concepts. They are enforced only by humans, who themselves are very susceptible to having conflict of interest. So no, it's not fair. But it's the real world. Me, I have a conscience unfortunately, and I didn't even need religion to scare me into it. I try to negotiate with it all the time, and I'm somewhat successful, hence I always claim I have flexible morals. But there is a line where if I cross it, I know I will feel really bad, for absolutely no reason at all, other than my conscience throwing a tantrum. So be as nice as your conscience tells you to be, and don't expect any goodies for it. 1
AD1980 Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 I dont know for me its just my nature to be nice to people i feel bad being an arsehole its just not me unless im provoked..and it takes a lot to provoke me I dont agree that everyone is mean or selfish but i will say as ive entered my 30's ive learned i really only have a few TRUE friends that have my back till the end and the rest of the people i know are more acquaitances Thyeres a lot of selfish people out there who unfortunately know nothing about the word loyalty As someoen said were all selfish to a point but you have to have some integrity and compassion as a human being some dont
Ross MwcFan Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Sure. A lot of people will be nice towards you in return. If you're nice in a doormat kind of way though, *******s will take advantage of that.
jobaba Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Me and some friends were discussing this. whether it is in the dating world or just in general does it pay to just be nice and not try to get over. In dating ... speaking as a guy, it doesn't pay to be 'nice' in the beginning. with almost any woman. You need to show some attitude or SWAG. But after you've attracted her, it absolutely pays. Assuming she is a good woman. If she isn't, then you're just dating the wrong person. Being nice won't attract most people to you. Either as a date or a friend. They won't dislike you. But you need more than that to get their attention. For most people, it's more about not being a bastard than being nice. There are people who occasionally do nice things and people who do one very nice thing for a lot of people at the same time, but very few people do nice things for others all the time. We can't, the world isn't really built that way. We're inherently selfish. Though we're not selfish all the time. Just as we can't be nice all the time. I do volunteer work, I help my friends and families and even complete strangers, when I can, but I don't think I'm a truly nice person. In fact, I think I'm very selfish. I think it's more realistic to accept the world and the people in it have flaws. We are capable of great acts of kindness and compassion, but we are also flawed and could do better, most of the time. I think what you do sets you apart already. And your modesty is clear. Match.com sends me matches even though I'm not a paying member. And I browse them without any intent. A few months ago, I saw a profile of one woman worked for a nonprofit and listed volunteering as some of her activities. She was also into sports and music. I almost signed up just to mail just her. I still remember her one profile. None of the others of the hot women do I even vaguely remember. I figure if a woman is into those things, there's a good chance we'll get along. And I had a better chance with her than sending 100 emails to random women who had cute pictures. 1
fishtaco Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 For most people, it's more about not being a bastard than being nice. Agree. Not being nice doesn't automatically equal being a bastard. While some guys can make that bastard thing work, I don't know how, so I can't recommend it. But you are 100% correct. Being nice will not gain you romantic interest or even friendship. Only thing you'll get is you won't be disliked. So I believe being nice, at its best, is optional, and at its worst will create an incorrect perception that you are weak and obsequious. For men, that's pretty much the death knell, since social status plays such a big role in attraction. So really, being nice in dating, should be reserved for experts that know when, how much, and in what way.
dasein Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Wanted to add something else, in France, "nice" is an insult, connoting mediocrity, petty adequacy. This view of "niceness" persists in upper class circles lots of places. Never tell a wealthy socialite, "Thanks for the nice party," or you won't likely be invited back. Showing teeth is a sign of aggression in most mammals, yet humans claim it is being "nice." Wonder what aggression circuitry got crossed and when that converted a threat display into a peaceful, friendly one... or if it never really got crossed and a smile is still "member of the club" code for "I'm a bloody bloody ape... just like you!"
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