Is LC enough???

[Jadempk]

So I already have a thread going where I am writing everything I am going through in my breakup. We were together 7yrs, he broke up with me 2 weeks ago and in this time he has helped me move, helped me financially and still wanted to spend time with me.

 

We still hve things to sort out (ownership of cars, property,ect) and I do still need his help financially as I am a student at uni and looking for work.

We both miss each other but he said he dosen't know what he wants and he's not happy since the breakup but not that sad either:(

FYI I am depressed.

 

I guess I just want to know how to deal with all the "financial/ownership" issues but remaining on NC/LC. I loved spending the day with him we watched tv shows, downloaded music and yes had sex (it was great) and he told me how beautiful I was,ect.

This is just making it so much harder for me but I do need his support and he is willing to give it.

 

I just don't want to give him everything while we aren't in a relationship because then why would he want a relationship with me? We are each others firsts and I think he wants to "get around,ect".

 

The situation with us is that he is in my town for 1 week very 2 weeks (he works away). So 2 weeks NC is not too difficult it's went he comes back for 1 week OR when I need his help. He said he wants me to be mad at me that he is sorry but he will help me whenever I need it.

 

I got really emotional 2 days ago and txt him like 5 times. He replied once after I asked how his day was he said it was ok, but busy all day. I replied and no answer. Then last night he text me and asked how my day was and I said It's been pretty good because I didn't know what to say -HELP!! I fear if I go total NC he will get angry/upset and not help me wih everything he sad he would. And I tried to get everything sorted ASAP but the money isn't there atm.

If he texts again how should I respond? Im so confused!!

[BewitchedandBothered]

Are you kidding me? Let me get this straight...You're not married, right? I wonder if he feels kind of used because you are so dependent on him. That could be making him drift. You need to be on your own two feet. I wonder if the reason you are missing him is because he is kind of your lifeline...which he shouldn't be. You say you don't want to give him everything while you're not in a relationship, but you expect him to take care of your needs. Go NC, the guy is being used and I don't blame him for not wanting to help anymore.

[Jadempk]

Actually, he is not being used AT ALL. When it came to seperation HIS parents had to split itmes because I anted to take nothing from him. I have been working and fairly contributing financially for our whole relationship and gave up uni to help work and save up for a house which we did. This year since things had settled down he suggested I go back to uni so I can find a higher paying job that will work in with a family lifetyle in the future( what we boh wanted), so I did.

I was willing to put my future on hold to reach the goals we had as a couple and now since we were stable, I could go back to university. OF COURSE I wish I had of held out on uni so now I wouldn't be in this predicament. Actually no, I am doing uni for myself and I am not sacraficing that again.

I LOVE HIM and I would do anything for him, and I definately would not use him. I am not even going for half of assets/ect I just wanted my car to have fuel for 3 weeks before I start my job and have rego paid. I think that is beyondfair.

He is aware that I would wayyyy rather be with him, living seperately if we had to over ANY physical items.

Perhaps you shouldn't attack people???

[theother]

If there is some other way you can do everything he was going to help you with? As BewitchedandBothered says, the level of dependence you have on him may be stifling his affections.

However, if you have deliberately put yourself in a position of financial weakness through a previously mutually decided tactic that was designed to make your relationship dynamic work then it would only be fair that he helps you with the things you need to do to exit your shared apartment and property situation.

No one can begrudge you that.

If you are reliant on him because you have no one else or no other way to get help or are not interdependently situated enough to do all of these things alone then it might be possible to rekindle your romance by striving to do it all alone and letting him see that's what you're capable of. It probably won't be easy.

The question you need to ask yourself is 'why should I settle for a second best type relationship'? Really, you shouldn't.

It seems strange that he's 'not happy not sad' and yet still wants to have all the benefits of coming to see you while he gets to 'play the field'.

It kind of shows that he's not thinking of your feelings so much as his own.

I agree with BewitchedandBothered that you should go NC too, but I would add that you should show him first that you're going to do what you can for yourself (what's possible that is) and also then tell him that you still have affection for him but that if he's not prepared to be in a monogamous relationship with you that he needn't expect all the benefits of one because you deserve the best for yourself.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Actually, he is not being used AT ALL. When it came to seperation HIS parents had to split itmes because I anted to take nothing from him. I have been working and fairly contributing financially for our whole relationship and gave up uni to help work and save up for a house which we did. This year since things had settled down he suggested I go back to uni so I can find a higher paying job that will work in with a family lifetyle in the future( what we boh wanted), so I did.

I was willing to put my future on hold to reach the goals we had as a couple and now since we were stable, I could go back to university. OF COURSE I wish I had of held out on uni so now I wouldn't be in this predicament. Actually no, I am doing uni for myself and I am not sacraficing that again.

I LOVE HIM and I would do anything for him, and I definately would not use him. I am not even going for half of assets/ect I just wanted my car to have fuel for 3 weeks before I start my job and have rego paid. I think that is beyondfair.

He is aware that I would wayyyy rather be with him, living seperately if we had to over ANY physical items.

Perhaps you shouldn't attack people???

 

Just going what you've said on your post; especially being afraid to go NC because he will be mad and not put money in the ATM for you. Drop Uni and provide for yourself.

Edited April 12, 2012 by BewitchedandBothered

[Jadempk]

Sorry for getting all crazy but for anyone to think I would use him hurts me to my core. I want more than that.

I have relied on him for durations of our relationship (like when work was hard for 2 months 3 years ago), but I always contributed fairly. Money is something that makes him stress and yes, I would love to be independant as I never truly have been but it's almost impossible to do from nothing. Irresponsibly I have a shared bank account in which all the money has gone to our bills, I have no savings and no account of my own.

If my family could help with rego and fuel they most certainly would, in fact my ex would help too but we have a few backloggd bills. He even kindly saved $50 his dad gave him to spend on pokies so I could getfuel this week gone. I appreciate that so very much, and I would prefer not taking things from him but in saying that I am not asking for half of everything which I am entitled to in a de facto relationship. I am just wanting whaths fair so I can build myself to becoming totaly independant.

 

Yes I agree this may have been an issue that caused the brek up but I am doing what I can to become independant, getting part time work and studying so in 4yrs I will get a reliable salary.

 

I am just unsure of how to apporach this with NC/LC. If I didn't need to make contact for these things I would go NC. I am just unsure of how to respond to him.

[Jadempk]

He says he cannot sleep with anyone else because he is still getting over me, but in the meantime wouldn't mind having fun. And I enjoy it to, but I think each for our different reasons. I am tryng to hold on, he is probably pure and simple horny.

I still trust him because, well I don't know becuase I do. When he looks me in the eye and tells me how it is, I just believe him.

I have thought about giving up uni to just work and support myself from the get go but I really want to do something for my future, friends and family and even my ex want me to do it for myself and it's something I want in life.

 

I would be upset if me ignoring him made him angry in any situation but I want what is best for me atm because throughout this whole breakup I have thought about him and his feelings. hearing him cry makes me sooo upset and all I thought about when he came back from work is I hope he has had dinner, maybe I should have made him something, how much would it hurt to come home to an empty house,ect.

 

A friend of mine had suggested moving cities with her as I could get a jo at her dad's work and we could get away from everything but I would miss him soo much. And you need money to move (fuel to drive to city, bond ect), so even the promise of work makes it hard.

 

Im so confused and I don't know what to do I know I love him because I love spending time with him, appreciate him, love his flaws aswell and positives and we have lots of fun together. Lately he just seemed distant and yeah, he said he dosen't know what he wants and it would be unfair to make me wait, and that at some point we may get back together who knows.

[BewitchedandBothered]

He says he cannot sleep with anyone else because he is still getting over me, but in the meantime wouldn't mind having fun. And I enjoy it to, but I think each for our different reasons. I am tryng to hold on, he is probably pure and simple horny.

I still trust him because, well I don't know becuase I do. When he looks me in the eye and tells me how it is, I just believe him.

I have thought about giving up uni to just work and support myself from the get go but I really want to do something for my future, friends and family and even my ex want me to do it for myself and it's something I want in life.

 

I would be upset if me ignoring him made him angry in any situation but I want what is best for me atm because throughout this whole breakup I have thought about him and his feelings. hearing him cry makes me sooo upset and all I thought about when he came back from work is I hope he has had dinner, maybe I should have made him something, how much would it hurt to come home to an empty house,ect.

 

A friend of mine had suggested moving cities with her as I could get a jo at her dad's work and we could get away from everything but I would miss him soo much. And you need money to move (fuel to drive to city, bond ect), so even the promise of work makes it hard.

 

Im so confused and I don't know what to do I know I love him because I love spending time with him, appreciate him, love his flaws aswell and positives and we have lots of fun together. Lately he just seemed distant and yeah, he said he dosen't know what he wants and it would be unfair to make me wait, and that at some point we may get back together who knows.

 

what does he mean by 'having fun'?

[Jadempk]

Generally sex, and hanging out at what was once "our house", cuddling, kissing. Being affectionate.

I know in the scheme of things this probably will end up hurting me (who knows) but I love him and love spendind time with him.

The sex is great because we both care less about what the other thinks of us, I think deep down we do but we are just letting go of insecurities ect and having fun.

He says he misses me lots, and I miss him too and seeing him makes me happy, but makes me miss him again after I leave.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Generally sex, and hanging out at what was once "our house", cuddling, kissing. Being affectionate.

I know in the scheme of things this probably will end up hurting me (who knows) but I love him and love spendind time with him.

The sex is great because we both care less about what the other thinks of us, I think deep down we do but we are just letting go of insecurities ect and having fun.

He says he misses me lots, and I miss him too and seeing him makes me happy, but makes me miss him again after I leave.

 

Sounds like a formula for emptiness:(

[Jadempk]

Yes, yes it does. Arrghhh no idea what to do!

I could deal with him not knowing what he wants, ect but I have the biggest fear that I turn out to be the worst thing that has ever happened to him and he finds happiness while I am still wanting his love and a relationship. The fact that this is highly probable kills me. I will always love him in some way - in fact if I didn't love him, I wouldn't have let him go. I would have made it a hell of alot harder (if I could). Deep down I want what is best for him, but I also hope that it is us. I want to be whatever he needs.

So in the meantime while I try to cope with the fact that the person I love very likely dosen't love me (yet wants cuddles/sex/talk), I need to know how I am going to respond to him. Casual? - im worried this will cement the "friendship thing"

[BewitchedandBothered]

Yes, yes it does. Arrghhh no idea what to do!

I could deal with him not knowing what he wants, ect but I have the biggest fear that I turn out to be the worst thing that has ever happened to him and he finds happiness while I am still wanting his love and a relationship. The fact that this is highly probable kills me. I will always love him in some way - in fact if I didn't love him, I wouldn't have let him go. I would have made it a hell of alot harder (if I could). Deep down I want what is best for him, but I also hope that it is us. I want to be whatever he needs.

So in the meantime while I try to cope with the fact that the person I love very likely dosen't love me (yet wants cuddles/sex/talk), I need to know how I am going to respond to him. Casual? - im worried this will cement the "friendship thing"

 

His saying he just wants 'fun' with you not only devalues you, but cements 'friendship'...actually...no true friend would do you that way. Cut him loose. He is probably moving on already. Which is why you have to do what you can to get employment for yourself so you can take care of your own needs.

[Jadempk]

The thing i that eventually I really do want to be his friend - a close friend even once I (if I ) lose my feelings for him. It is taking everythig inside of me not to txt him saying "hope your days going well", or "Hows ur day" or whatever. I do think about him all day and wonder what he is doing every min. I know I should drop it, and tat hes not thinking of me but he must of at some point yesterday to ask how my ay was.I am trying to be strong I really am.

[BewitchedandBothered]

The thing i that eventually I really do want to be his friend - a close friend even once I (if I ) lose my feelings for him. It is taking everythig inside of me not to txt him saying "hope your days going well", or "Hows ur day" or whatever. I do think about him all day and wonder what he is doing every min. I know I should drop it, and tat hes not thinking of me but he must of at some point yesterday to ask how my ay was.I am trying to be strong I really am.

 

Why would you want to be friends withs someone who just wants you for sex?

[Jadempk]

I want to be friends because we all do things for a reason, may not be a good reason but hey it's still a reason. He is a good guy who dosen't know what he wants but dosen't want to lose me. He makes me happy and I would miss him for the rest of my life if we never became friends in the future.