YouUsedtobemelclark Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 So long story short I was dating my ex for a little over a year, most of which long distance(4 hours)... We had the kind of love that is almost sick(always saying how much I love you etc...) Whenever I saw her we were the happiest people in the world, but every time I left or she would leave from visiting for the weekend I would cry from being so upset... I started to get so sad that I could barely ever see her and it started to take a toll on me and made me think that maybe it would be easier if I was with someone else who lived closer(I am still in college she just graduated and has a real job) I told her this and told her that I needed a break, and than took it back... 2 weeks later I told her that I needed to go on a break because I just wasn't sure about everything anymore and was getting scared about how serious the relationship was getting... Well we were apart for 2 and half weeks and I made a dumb decision and slept with someone else when I was drunk but also realized that what me and her had was so pure and that I had to do something to get her back... Well I told her that I made a huge mistake and wanted her back, and after a little bit of talking she decided that was a good idea as she loved me more than anything in the world.... Well we planned on meeting up for spring break and talked everyday before than about how much we loved eachother and how we couldn't wait to see one another. Well the time came and she called me and said that we needed to talk. She told me that we couldnt be together anymore because she could no longer trust that I wasnt going to do it to her again. She also told me that after looking back at the relationship there was problems that she didnt see at first and that she thought it would be better for us to not be together anymore... This killed me, but I told her that I agreed with everything that she said and that I need to grow up and figure out who I am before I can commit to a relationship... This was a little over a month ago... We still would talk from time to time and she decided to come down and visit one of her friends because we had a big basketball game... Well needless to say when we saw one another we ending up hitting it off just like we always had and ended up sleeping together... The next morning we talked and she said that this was a mistake and that even though she loves me more than anything in the world it isnt right for us to be together right now... Well needless to say it was like we broke up all over again to me and for the past 2 weeks I think about her everyday... The things that she told me the next morning about how much she missed me and still loved me keeps ringing in my ears... We still talk but very rarely but I still love her more than anything in the world, and was wondering is there anyway that I can get her back or I am just reaching for straws and need to accept the fact that this is over and move on... I have a great girl who I have been talking to since me and my ex broke up (beautiful and goes to med school) but I for some reason cant get over my ex and still think about her every day... I just dont get why we cant be together again and be happy like we once were... She honestly loved me more than anything in the entire world and I realize that at the time I took advantage of that but I know better now and would never do that again... I just feel like I really messed up the best thing that has ever happened to me, and cant currently forgive myself for doing this if indeed me and her are over for good....
theother Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Unfortunately, your title says it all and you already know what's going on in your relationship with this girl. You sound like you have already tried to convince her that you would be trustworthy if she gave you another chance but from her actions she has been hurt too much to ever let you have that chance again. Once you have betrayed a person's trust there isn't much hope of convincing them to take another chance on you because in their mind you are not the same person that they loved before because you were entrusted with their happiness and instead you have hurt them. That's not the person they fell in love with. No one likes to be hurt for no apparent reason and especially from the person that they love the most. I'm sure she feels just as hurt about it and thinks about you just as much as well, but it's obvious from her actions that she doesn't want to be with you now. I would say the sleeping with you then telling you there would be no relationship the next day was her way of hurting you back for cheating. That's how much it hurt her. I went to the doctor once when I was sad from losing a girlfriend and he told me that he still thinks about his ex from his youth even now that he's married with children. It is something that never really goes away. I'm sorry to tell you; in light of this information, I would suggest you concentrate on trying to put this person and past relationship out of your mind, but try to remember always that you can not betray another person (on any level at all ever) and at least you will have gained something beneficial from losing it. You will have grown.
Author YouUsedtobemelclark Posted April 12, 2012 Author Posted April 12, 2012 Thank you very much for answering me TheOther, it is one of those things when I look back on it I know that I messed up and that it is my fault that the relationship is over... but it is nice to talk about these things with people who might have gone through similar situations because all of my friends just tell me to get over it and go and bang someone else and that is something I don't want to do anymore...
theother Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Thanks for your positive comments and I appreciate them and am glad I could be of some help, despite the fact that you have to live with the knowledge that you wrecked a great relationship. (And I do say that with every sympathy). I have, as they say, also been there too. I am 43 about to turn 44 and messed up my relationship at 20. I didn't have a real go at getting with anyone after that for nearly 20 years so I do understand that you don't feel like meeting up again with anyone because you don't trust yourself and feel a lot of guilt for hurting that person. My only other pieces of advice (if they interest you or could be of use to you) are these; Chances are you will want to hold onto the pain because, as you didn't want the relationship to end, it is the only tangible remnant of it that still exists and because you wanted the relationship to continue, you may subconsciously deliberately continue to let the pain grow as time passes and not try to get over it. In other words you might be wallowing in the sadness. It's like the line in that song, 'Somebody That I Used To Know' by GOTYE, 'You can be addicted to certain kind of sadness.' Being sad about someone who's gone is an addiction and in my experience, it is dangerous because it stifles you from wanting anyone else. Man, I wasted 20 years of my life, (and there's no rewind button), feeling sorry for something I can't change. I wish I had tried to find someone to love when I was younger now. Please don't let yourself do that too. If you were really an unfeeling creep who did it all without an ounce of concern for how she felt you wouldn't have come onto this site for advice. Those types of guys never notice the wreckage they leave behind and that fact alone proves you are different from them. Ask yourself, would you ever hurt a woman that you love again? Maybe you would, but does that disqualify you from ever meeting another woman and loving her? No. It just means you are normal. You are allowed to make mistakes. The most important thing is that you have learned from this mistake and won't do it again. Personally, I would love to see you and her get back together as I know you would too. Maybe you could give it one last try by letting her know that you made a mistake that you were too immature to have realized was one that would hurt her as much as it did? Maybe you could explain the fact that if you were the kind of creep that does this sort of thing all the time then you wouldn't be trying to get her back in the first place as those guys just check to see if she's dead and then move onto the next victim? If there is a window of opportunity I'd take it. All mine closed for my old girlfriend nearly 25 years ago and they're all painted shut and bricked over now but you might still have a chance. I unreservedly apologize if I'm offering you a false hope. It would be hard, lonely and painful if you tried to do it and you will have to dedicate yourself to self improvement of every type. Trying to win her back might mean waiting for her to decide that she wants you again and that might involve being alone for a long time for you to prove to her that you're dedicated to only her. If you told her that you're prepared to wait for her to make up her mind and that you're not going to have any more relationships until she decides whether or not she's going to take you back it might give back to her the sense of power that she had taken away from her when you cheated. It might show her that you are dedicated to her alone and thereby you would regain her trust. It might work. Perhaps this is what she is waiting for? Once again, if I'm giving you false hope I do apologise.
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