Missing my kiddo

[MsNoname]

I'm in one place, my son is in another. Even though I had primary custody of him until recently, I moved for work and left him temporarily with his dad - I thought temporarily. Now his dad, who knows a thing or two about the law, has kept him and refuses to discuss him returning to me. He's almost 18, so he should be able to decide for himself, but I'm not allowed to ask. I have a court date set for a custody hearing soon, and I'm afraid his dad is using all the influence he has to make his son stay. There are risks inherent in staying with his dad that I can't go into here. In the meantime, I'm going crazy concocting worst-case scenarios. Basically I could be cut off from my son forever, thanks to my ex's anger at me.

 

I don't wanna screw this up. I've never been to court. What can I do to improve my chances of getting him back? I miss him, of course, but the main issue is that I think I can offer him better care, not that I just want his company. He hasn't graduated from high school, if anyone's wondering, and he's not ready to live on his own. I wish I'd never left him there but at the time I thought it was the fair, mature thing to do. Then I found out some scary things about my ex, but by then it was too late. He has complete control over our son's life and he's using it. I'm scared.

Edited April 11, 2012 by MsNoname
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[january2011]

I suggest speaking to your lawyer. Your location will have a big impact on what you can/can't do and your lawyer will be able to give you more relevant information. You might also wish to do some research on the internet regarding custody cases in your location.

 

I'm sorry I can't give you any specific help and can only the imagine the pain that you're going through. Hopefully, another poster who has more experience in these matters will see this and be able to give you more specific advice. Best of luck to you.

[elfman]

Hello, I am sorry to hear you are going through this... It seems some people cannot understand that kids from divorced parents have a right to have access to both parents. I do think there is only one option: Get a lawyer, and make sure he has experience in custody cases.

 

Good luck...

 

E.

[FindingE]

Have you talked to your lawyer? If you haven't you are doing yourself a grave disservice and need to do that ASAP.

 

Just a couple of thoughts though:

 

If you have primary custody, your husband keeping him and being unwilling to discuss returning him doesn't change that, unless there are other pertinent facts you didn't disclose (did you give your ex custody when you left?), it sounds like he is in violation of the custody order. What do you mean you aren't allowed to ask???

 

Your child is absolutely old enough to have a say in who he lives with, if your son is in some sort of danger as you imply, please talk to a GOOD family lawyer now.

[elfman]

As soon as he turns 18 he can decide for himself, but I agree, if you xH is in violation of the custody order you have a right to even call the police and make them take your kid to you. Again, unless there are circumstances which you failed to mention.

 

E.

[sLiPpeTh]

What did your son want? Did he want to continue at his current school? Did he want to remain near friends and the tribe/community that develops in young adulthood?

 

When you left your son behind to take a job in a new city, you thought it was a mature and safe choice.

 

But suddenly, new information has allegedly come to your attention where it isn't a good idea?

 

Teenagers, aren't toddlers...they're not children, they're no longer adolescents. After the age of 16, a parent runs the risk of alientating their teen by doing silly things like a custody hearing...vs. asking them what they want.

[worldgonewrong]

Why is your ex angry at you?

[MsNoname]

Replying to everyone's comments and questions in one fell swoop!

 

I have a divorce attorney, a very proactive and positive person who understands all of the weird twists and turns of this case, and I regularly come up with new questions to ask her. She is located where my son and his dad are and has won cases against his attorney before.

 

FindingE, no, I didn't ever turn over physical custody to my ex on paper. My ex and I have been divorced a long time, but custody was never finalized because we lived in the same place and worked out child support between us, sort of. And I'm not allowed to ask because the only way I could have our son with me for just a few weeks' visit was to sign a document saying I wouldn't talk to him about this. Somehow my ex convinced his attorney that there was a possibility I would kidnap our son, which I would never, ever do. If a thing is worth doing, it's worth doing right (I mean honestly and legally) or not at all.

 

sLiPpeTh, from what I can tell without talking to him about this, our son is undecided, but there's always the possibility that he's made up his mind and is just afraid to upset one of his parents (and no, I have no idea which one). He's aware I can offer him a better school situation, but it's in a place he hasn't lived before. He's said in the past that he's not worried about making friends wherever, and he is a very nice, personable guy, so I don't think that part of it would be harmful to him. He doesn't have deep roots where he is now.

 

I was the one who sought the hearing. I had to weigh the risk of alienating our son against the risk of his staying, and decided to pursue it. His dad has free rein to ask him what he wants, but also to manipulate him rather than finding out the truth. From what I know of him, he'll take the latter route. Either way, my attorney says the judge will base their decision primarily on what our son wants, and there's some opportunity for him to speak privately, so that's for the best.

 

worldgonewrong, my ex is angry at me because he's angry, period. But I'm sure I'm one of the targets of his anger because I left him, and I did that for some of the same reasons I'm concerned for our son now (can't go into them here). At this point, this much later, it shouldn't be about me, or his anger at me - it should be about what's best for our son. Other reasons for his anger could be fear - that he's gonna lose contact with his son forever (not gonna happen), of what other people will think, or simply of losing control over a situation.

 

Ultimately I feel like this drawn-out dispute, the effort to silence me and cut me off from our son, and the lack of a clear course of action are harming our son more than I ever could have on my own by moving him to be with me. It is making this whole case about my ex, not about our son. But I really have no choice because it's my duty to protect him. If I'm unsuccessful with this I'll just have to make life as good as I can for him however I can - at least a judge can order that he spend some time with me again, and remove the restrictions on talking. But I have to try.

 

Hope this answers some questions.

[NXS]

Your story lacks credibility. You say you divorced because of something about your ex and now you're saying you found out something about him and that you felt it was ok to leave your son with him. You're also saying somehow you've being prevented from speaking to him but don't give a credible reason why even though he's nearly 18.

[MsNoname]

Your story lacks credibility.

 

Thank you for being so straightforward, NXS. It's easier to respond to a statement like that than if you directed it personally at me.

 

I'm aware that the lack of hard facts takes away from my credibility here on the forum, but I'm avoiding being more specific because my ex or his attorney may have heard of this forum or even be on it regularly. If they identify me by what I've already said - or, heck, if his attorney just trolls this forum looking for possible scenarios for his clients - I could just be giving them a way to be better prepared for my attorney's arguments in the hearing. Remember, this is part of a divorce case, and I know for a fact these posts are read by divorce lawyers - some of them even offer advice - so it's not unreasonable to think my ex's attorney is one of them.

 

Besides, what the heck, NXS? I didn't post on here looking for justification and agreement. Look at the title of the thread again. It's possible to empathize without judging. What's the worst that could happen? You end up supporting someone who's deluded about her chances? You encourage someone to waste money on legal action that's doomed for failure? What's your dog in this fight?

 

You say you divorced because of something about your ex and now you're saying you found out something about him and that you felt it was ok to leave your son with him.

 

I left my ex because I was sacrificing too much of what I now understand is normal life - normal individual freedoms, normal marriage, normal family life - and now know that I was being emotionally abused. You can question that or not question that, but emotional abuse really does happen (and incidentally, questioning the validity of someone's feelings or perception is one of its classic forms). It's taken me years to realize that it was a dangerous situation for me, and could be a dangerous situation for our son.

 

Over the years there were warning signs, but to be honest, I ignored them, blaming myself for our poor relationship as divorced parents. It wasn't until last year that all the pieces started fitting - after I'd already left our son with him. Instead of allaying my fears, my ex's actions since our son has been with him have increased them.

 

Read my original post again, NXS. It was supposed to be a temporary stay.

 

You're also saying somehow you've being prevented from speaking to him but don't give a credible reason why, even though he's nearly 18.

 

I did say why. Maybe I posted my response just as you posted yours? Or maybe you overlooked it because my post was so long (sorry). But this is the reason: "I'm not allowed to ask because the only way I could have our son with me for just a few weeks' visit was to sign a document saying I wouldn't talk to him about this." I'll be cited for contempt if I violate the order I signed. I can still talk to him about other things, just not this issue.

 

And, for the record, being nearly 18 doesn't count for beans if your dad's flexing his legal muscle to restrict your freedom, now, does it?

[NXS]

Thank you for being so straightforward, NXS. It's easier to respond to a statement like that than if you directed it personally at me.

 

I'm aware that the lack of hard facts takes away from my credibility here on the forum, but I'm avoiding being more specific because my ex or his attorney may have heard of this forum or even be on it regularly. If they identify me by what I've already said - or, heck, if his attorney just trolls this forum looking for possible scenarios for his clients - I could just be giving them a way to be better prepared for my attorney's arguments in the hearing. Remember, this is part of a divorce case, and I know for a fact these posts are read by divorce lawyers - some of them even offer advice - so it's not unreasonable to think my ex's attorney is one of them.

 

This forum has posters from all over the world and there are probably millions of divorce cases going on at any point in time so there’s no chance of an attorney identifying your case unless you give specific details of names/where you live or specific text they can google. Nobody’s asking for hard facts just a general outline of the facts. Furthermore this is not a legal advice forum and laws/procedures vary so much from country to country or even state to state that any advice taken here should be taken with a grain of salt. So if you’re just looking for specific legal advice then this is not the place for it.

 

 

Besides, what the heck, NXS? I didn't post on here looking for justification and agreement. Look at the title of the thread again. It's possible to empathize without judging. What's the worst that could happen? You end up supporting someone who's deluded about her chances? You encourage someone to waste money on legal action that's doomed for failure? What's your dog in this fight?

 

Again what are you looking for? Is it empathy, general advice or legal advice?

 

I left my ex because I was sacrificing too much of what I now understand is normal life - normal individual freedoms, normal marriage, normal family life - and now know that I was being emotionally abused. You can question that or not question that, but emotional abuse really does happen (and incidentally, questioning the validity of someone's feelings or perception is one of its classic forms). It's taken me years to realize that it was a dangerous situation for me, and could be a dangerous situation for our son.

 

 

That’s a loaded statement. Questioning someone’s feelings or perception is objectivity unless it’s done in a persistent way to manipulate feelings or perception. Now you’re painting your ex as an abuser with nothing but vague statements to back this up. Sorry but I’ve heard enough one-sided allegations from people to question this. So what did he do to abuse you? Again no hard facts just some general examples of how this played out and what’s been happening since he took custody will do.

 

Read my original post again, NXS. It was supposed to be a temporary stay.

 

 

Did he have joint custody since the divorce? If so how did that work out previously.

 

I did say why. Maybe I posted my response just as you posted yours? Or maybe you overlooked it because my post was so long (sorry). But this is the reason: "I'm not allowed to ask because the only way I could have our son with me for just a few weeks' visit was to sign a document saying I wouldn't talk to him about this." I'll be cited for contempt if I violate the order I signed. I can still talk to him about other things, just not this issue.

 

I take it this is a court Order? So has this already been to court?

 

Again your posts are too vague for the reader to come to any kind of conclusions about your situation.

[sLiPpeTh]

MSNoname, I'm about 100 percent sure I completely "get" what you're saying about the paternal figure. The reptillian brain gene is dominant on one side of my own family. Constant exposure can make one feel as though they're going crazy; especially when others can't or don't readily see it.

 

Seems strange to me the "gag" agreement would be enforceable at all.

[MsNoname]

This forum has posters from all over the world and there are probably millions of divorce cases going on at any point in time so there’s no chance of an attorney identifying your case unless you give specific details of names/where you live or specific text they can google.

 

OK, point taken. As I said, I'm really anxious about this.

 

Again what are you looking for? Is it empathy, general advice or legal advice?

 

Not legal advice, 'cause I have an attorney, but some empathy would be nice and some "this-worked-for-me" general advice would be helpful.

 

Sorry but I’ve heard enough one-sided allegations from people to question this. So what did he do to abuse you? Again no hard facts just some general examples of how this played out and what's been happening since he took custody will do.

 

How is questioning my definition helping anyone who's in a similar situation? But for the sake of others who might recognize it in their own situation, how about withholding money and affection to prevent me from going back to work? Exploding with rage when I tried to clean the house or make routine household purchases? And since he's had custody of our son, making decisions about his school without his input, neglecting to get him medications he needs, forbidding him from having friends over (he doesn't like strangers in his home).

 

Tell me, when someone on here makes allegations of physical abuse, do you insist on seeing pictures of the bruises or do you just question their definition of the term ("Ah, c'mon! That was just a tap!")? Why is emotional abuse any different?

 

Did he have joint custody since the divorce? If so how did that work out previously.

 

We have joint legal custody but I had primary physical custody until I moved for my job last year. It was tense but amicable until the first time I wanted to move for work, some years back. I ended up staying because he threatened to take our son away, and like a fool I believed it when he told me I'd lose, so I never took legal action. Until now.

 

I take it this is a court Order? So has this already been to court?

 

It was rubber-stamped by a judge after I signed it. If both parties agree and sign, the judge will approve it. But I only signed it because there was no other way to see my son.

 

I'm guilty of stupidity and naivete in believing my ex would consider our son's best interests, but I'm not guilty of anything worse. And I can think of a hundred different things you can counter this explanation with, NXS, but the fact is you'll believe what you want to believe. Why not just accept the explanation I'm giving? Don't know why you've got such a problem with my posts.

[MsNoname]

Unless something happened.,

 

OP what aren`t you telling us?

 

Fathers in most countries have no rights or little at all!!!

 

Unless the mother has done something bad

 

Or unless the dad has numerous legal connections and the mother has stupidly handed him all the power on a silver platter for years.

 

Nothing happened except that I trusted him to treat the stay as temporary and to negotiate like a reasonable adult to see what would happen going forward.

 

And ever heard of the fathers' rights movement in US law? I thought not. I don't know where you are, but US law has moved on somewhat, and I personally think it's a good thing that moms don't always win custody, because they're just as capable of damage and abuse as dads are.

Edited April 15, 2012 by MsNoname
deleted double quote

[NXS]

Not legal advice, 'cause I have an attorney, but some empathy would be nice and some "this-worked-for-me" general advice would be helpful.

 

 

Okay that’s much clearer, apologies for my earlier posts.

 

How is questioning my definition helping anyone who's in a similar situation? But for the sake of others who might recognize it in their own situation, how about withholding money and affection to prevent me from going back to work? Exploding with rage when I tried to clean the house or make routine household purchases? And since he's had custody of our son, making decisions about his school without his input, neglecting to get him medications he needs, forbidding him from having friends over (he doesn't like strangers in his home).

 

 

Again this is much clearer and gives readers something to work with. One of the things that helps with these cases is to document the events, keep a diary and write down every incident that happens. In a lot of jurisdictions it can be used as evidence in court.

 

You may have heard the term “gaslighting”, it’s where the perpetrator will persistently try to undermine the perceptions of their victims using various techniques. Minimising their behaviour by saying things like “sure every relationship has its problems”….”I was just having a bad day, no big deal”…”you’re taking me up wrong”.

 

Making the victim feel powerless by undermining them with insults, cutting off their resources and threatening them with consequences if they try to change.

 

Then there’s the emotional rollercoaster to keep their victims constantly on edge. It’s like the techniques they used in POW camps to psychologically break the detainees. By not knowing how they would be treated from one moment to the next they were constantly on edge and became emotionally shut down to point of not being able to do anything.

 

Social isolation is very important as well, that way the victim doesn’t get objective opinions from outside sources, reinforcing the “normality” of their situation.

 

 

There’s a good book called “Puzzling People” which describes how this often plays out.

 

I think your perceptions are still a bit off, like your fear about lawyers trawling through endless forums to try and find your posts. That’s understandable and getting feedback will help you get things clearer in your mind. If you don’t post specific texts verbatim then it won’t show up in google searches.

 

Tell me, when someone on here makes allegations of physical abuse, do you insist on seeing pictures of the bruises or do you just question their definition of the term ("Ah, c'mon! That was just a tap!")? Why is emotional abuse any different?

 

Because the “abuse” word gets thrown around so much and has such widespread definitions that it has become watered down to the point of absurdity.

 

We have joint legal custody but I had primary physical custody until I moved for my job last year. It was tense but amicable until the first time I wanted to move for work, some years back. I ended up staying because he threatened to take our son away, and like a fool I believed it when he told me I'd lose, so I never took legal action. Until now.

 

It was rubber-stamped by a judge after I signed it. If both parties agree and sign, the judge will approve it. But I only signed it because there was no other way to see my son.

 

 

It seems you were railroaded into signing this, just a tip for future reference: be extremely careful of signing any legal document and never do it under threat or duress.

 

I'm guilty of stupidity and naivete in believing my ex would consider our son's best interests, but I'm not guilty of anything worse. And I can think of a hundred different things you can counter this explanation with, NXS, but the fact is you'll believe what you want to believe. Why not just accept the explanation I'm giving? Don't know why you've got such a problem with my posts.

 

Again my apologies, I’m just cynical when it comes to vague posts about family issues.

 

Oh and welcome to LS.

[MsNoname]

What mother would give up their children unless they had no option too?

 

coopster, that kind of talk just doesn't help. Although it does grab readers' attention. So thanks for spicing my thread up!

 

I know it sounds terribly convincing to fall back on the idealized picture of Mother as self-sacrificing nurturer, but you and I both know that both mothers and dads give up their children in all kinds of forms, all the time. They "give up" their children for the perfect lifestyle, where kids just become an accessory. Or they sacrifice their kids for the sake of their careers, dumping them in activities to avoid interacting with them as much as possible. Self-centeredness comes in both flavors.

 

Why not just ask "What parent would give up their children unless they had no option to?" I'll answer that one with a few questions of my own:

 

What parent would give up their children by withdrawing completely from them and refusing to take medication that could actually help them engage with their kids?

 

What parent would give up their children by leaving the schooling, vacations, visits to grandparents, and birthday and Christmas presents and parties up someone else?

 

What parent would give up their children by refusing to help pay for their upbringing and actually fighting to shift that responsibility to the other parent?

 

That would be my ex, until recently.

 

To answer your question, "The kind of parent in so much debt (see above) that she never had enough money to do right by her child, and then was offered a job elsewhere that paid more than twice what she had been making, with the prospect of earning more." And guess who all the money will go to benefit? Duh, the child, of course.

 

And (hopefully) for the last time: I didn't give up my child. I THOUGHT THE STAY WITH HIS DAD WOULD BE TEMPORARY.

[MsNoname]

One of the things that helps with these cases is to document the events, keep a diary and write down every incident that happens. In a lot of jurisdictions it can be used as evidence in court.

 

Thanks, NXS. I did finally start documenting stuff.

 

You may have heard the term “gaslighting”

Actually, I never have! That's interesting. And most of your descriptions are right on the mark.

 

There’s a good book called “Puzzling People” which describes how this often plays out.

 

Interesting title. See my previous post about the pieces finally fitting together - is that what's meant by "puzzling"?

 

I agree about my perceptions being off. Two reasons for that: one, I have a wild imagination, especially in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. Two, not having that sense of normality you talked about has made me attribute almost magical powers to the guy. More and more often I see him for what he is, but my knee-jerk reaction is still strong. And I guess that's what I'm hoping for here - a reality check. Which several of you are already helping with.

 

It seems you were railroaded into signing this, just a tip for future reference: be extremely careful of signing any legal document and never do it under threat or duress.

 

I agree, but what I'm hoping is that the judge will take into account that he attempted to cut off our son's contact with me. Is that naive?

 

Oh and welcome to LS.

 

Thanks.

[NXS]

Thanks, NXS. I did finally start documenting stuff.

 

 

Great, that’ll help you keep things clear in your mind and stop your thinking becoming muddled. It will also mean that if the other party brings up some incident you can look through your diary to recall what happened in your own words.

 

Right now your thinking and perception is a big part of your problem, it has become confused and shut down from years of emotional and mental turmoil. You could also keep your own personal diary to get all your thoughts out on paper, have a rant or write down things you notice about yourself or others. It will help you re-establish who you are and what your values are. Obviously you don’t show this to the judge or he’ll send you to the nuthouse….. ( haha, just kidding we’d probably all be sent there if we expressed some of our thoughts )

 

 

Interesting title. See my previous post about the pieces finally fitting together - is that what's meant by "puzzling"?

 

 

It describes psychopathic behaviour.

 

I agree about my perceptions being off. Two reasons for that: one, I have a wild imagination, especially in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. Two, not having that sense of normality you talked about has made me attribute almost magical powers to the guy. More and more often I see him for what he is, but my knee-jerk reaction is still strong. And I guess that's what I'm hoping for here - a reality check. Which several of you are already helping with.

 

 

Ok, you’ve built this guy up to something he’s not in your mind. I find one of the best ways to release this kind of hold is by humour. Can you think of any way to laugh at his behaviour? Maybe take out a photo of him, paint on a clown’s nose and throw darts at it? Or mime his behaviour as if he’s a Nazi general. Or talk to one of your friends about some of the most ridiculous things he’s said or done in a funny way. Anything to take the sting out of your reaction and see how ridiculous his behaviour is. This will help to clear your thinking and focus on what you have to do.

 

I agree, but what I'm hoping is that the judge will take into account that he attempted to cut off our son's contact with me. Is that naive?

 

It’s hard to know how this will play out. I’m curious though, you said the Order allowed you to see your son so what happened?

[MsNoname]

Ok, you’ve built this guy up to something he’s not in your mind. ... Can you think of any way to laugh at his behaviour? ... Anything to take the sting out of your reaction and see how ridiculous his behaviour is. This will help to clear your thinking and focus on what you have to do.

 

Yeah, been doing some of that. Also, things that he said farther back in the past now seem like such obvious, lame attempts to control me or rattle me. But I think what's important is to not make this about him, or about what he's doing to me - it's about our son. I can't really laugh about my son being exposed to all that.

 

It’s hard to know how this will play out. I’m curious though, you said the Order allowed you to see your son so what happened?

 

The order proposed a quid-pro-quo - my silence for his visit. He came, he stayed a short while, and I flew him back to his dad (also part of the order). I followed the rules and didn't (and don't) talk about relocation. There are plenty of other things to talk about with him. The best thing I can do now is keep cultivating the good relationship I have with him.

 

The good thing is that whatever happens, the hearing will terminate the order and replace it with something that allows me at least to communicate with him, even if he doesn't end up living with me.

[NXS]

Yeah, been doing some of that. Also, things that he said farther back in the past now seem like such obvious, lame attempts to control me or rattle me. But I think what's important is to not make this about him, or about what he's doing to me - it's about our son. I can't really laugh about my son being exposed to all that.

 

Your son has been exposed to this for a long time, you holding onto whatever emotions you have for your ex hasn't changed this.

 

The order proposed a quid-pro-quo - my silence for his visit. He came, he stayed a short while, and I flew him back to his dad (also part of the order). I followed the rules and didn't (and don't) talk about relocation. There are plenty of other things to talk about with him. The best thing I can do now is keep cultivating the good relationship I have with him.

 

The good thing is that whatever happens, the hearing will terminate the order and replace it with something that allows me at least to communicate with him, even if he doesn't end up living with me.

 

Ok it's a lot clearer now. Sounds like it's all to play for. It can be a very adverserial process, having a clear head and trying to remain calm and competent will be very helpfull.

[thatone]

honestly, it all sounds overly dramatic.

 

the son is 17 i'm assuming, you have enough money to hire lawyers so i assume the kid probably has a cell phone. how is it you're going to 'lose him forever'? he could call you or you could call him whenever either side likes.

 

we're talking about months here. after he's 18 he goes where he wants.

 

and you said you moved, to a place the son had never lived. might it be possible that the son simply doesn't want to move to a new city in his senior year of high school, and just doesn't want to upset you by telling you he wants to stay where he is?

 

without you telling us the details, we could just as well assume that the order presented to you was to prevent you from guilt trip manipulating the son to get back at the father.

[MsNoname]

Yeah, I guess that is overly dramatic, and anyway it's not very likely. Just another of my scary middle-of-the-night ideas. And see my comment above - whatever a judge orders, it's not gonna be nearly as restrictive as what's in place now.

 

He turns 18 after he starts his next school year, and he has 2 more years, not one. He's been admitted to a private school where I live but they won't keep the place open after the school year has started, of course.*

 

Yes, it is totally possible he'll just want to stay where he is, and I'd understand it if he did. I still have to try to do what's best for him.*

 

And thatone, no amount of detail would tell you I'm not trying to "get back" at my ex. But if I were trying to manipulate our son why would I risk letting him speak entirely privately with a judge and saying whatever he wanted? Believe me, "getting back" at my ex would hardly be a payoff for the amount of money I'll have to shell out to have our son live with me! And no, I wasn't planning to hit him up for half of it.*

[Trimmer]

This forum has posters from all over the world and there are probably millions of divorce cases going on at any point in time so there’s no chance of an attorney identifying your case unless you give specific details of names/where you live or specific text they can google.

 

I think you're right that there aren't a whole bunch of lawyers just regularly and randomly "trawling" to see what they can catch.

 

However, it is not unusual for someone to be "found out" here on LS; on a sporadic basis, someone asks how they can delete all their posts (they can't by LS policy) or change their username (occasionally done under special circumstances, via PM to the mods), because the've been discovered - by a spouse, an ex, an STBX, a family member, an affair partner, an affair partner's spouse.... Whether it happens by someone snooping in a browser history, by doing a lucky google search, because a poster used a common screen name to another forum, or just by someone stumbling across them in a relatively obvious place to look, it happens. Maybe not often, but it does happen.

 

So I encourage you NOT to encourage people not to worry about what personal, potentially identifying information they post. Yes, it sometimes makes it a little harder to get enough specifics to give really well-targeted advice, but given that this is a public forum, and what you post will be "out there" essentially forever, I suggest being circumspect; if you have any doubt and the consequences could be damaging, err on the side of caution.

 

Example: I just googled "MsNoName" and came up with references to accounts on tumblr, Twitter, facebook, pinterest, Photobucket, cramster... and that's just the first page. I'll hope none of those is the OP's actual account, with a common screen name to her LS account, but for the sake of argument, let's say that one of them is. If someone in her social circle knows she uses that screen name, all they have to do is Google "MsNoName divorce" and Boom! First result is this thread on LoveShack. And even just reading about the general outlines of her situation pretty much pegs it for anyone who knows her - like her ex or his attorney...

 

On this forum, you do not have privacy. What you have is anonymity, and then only to the degree that you guard it by carefully choosing what information you post, and how you identify yourself.

Edited April 30, 2012 by Trimmer