whathaveIdone Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 I am very much new to this all (website forum stuff), so please forgive me. Let me start by giving you the backround, and let me say that I am not on here to be bashed, I simply would like advice. Let me also say, this is a very complicated situation.... I have been "dating" a great guy for about 4 years now, I say "dating" because I am not really sure what we are honestly. We met playing sports; a mutual friend of ours needed players, they asked me to join, and there he was. He drove to and from each game with another girl; I didn't think anything of it as I car pool with team mates quite often. Three weeks later I find out it's his girlfriend, no big deal, we were just friends. She soon stopped coming around, and through conversations over beer and wings after games he told me they were having problems. At that time I had just gotten out of a horrible 7 year relationship and knew exactly how he felt and offered my support. I tried to help him understand where she was coming from in hopes to rectify their relationship. That didn't work, and although their break up was kept on the DL, everyone knew. Our friendship flourished, we had so much in common and were essentially "each other". I'll jump to the point here, we started dating. Our relationship was kept on the DL because the now ex girlfriend and him still lived together as they were in the process of selling their house and go their seperate ways. The house was sold, and to my surprise, they ended up renting a suite together! The story now was that there was still some things left to clear up and she was waiting on a friends house to be built to move in there. As hard it was for me to swallow that I accepted it, it was just a matter of time. As we continued our secret relationship things started changing, He was away one whole summer and I rarely got to see him, so in the fall when he returned I begged and pleaded for us to spend more time with each other. I kept getting blown off. This continued for some time and then one night I did something I wish I had never done...I cheated on him. I will forever regret that night. I am a horrible liar and couldn't stand myself for what I had done and I had to tell him, so I did. I fully expected the relationship to be over due to my actions and to my surprise he wanted to make it work! He started spending more time with me and things were looking up, he even proposed (without a ring but I didn't care) And then, things changed again, he started distancing himself from me again and it is now worse than ever. It has been 1 year since I cheated on him and for the last 6 months or so it is a constant fight. He is always throwing my infidelity at me (and rightfully so). I have done everything I can think of to prove to him that I will not do it again; I got rid of facebook, I stay home every night and weekend, I put a tracker on my phone so he knows where I am at all times. I apologize daily... If he didn't want to work this out with me he would have left a long time ago. I should mention that he still lives with ex to this day..... I don't know what to do anymore and would appreciate any kind of advice. I have never cheated on anyone before and I know I am at fault, so please kindly spare me the bashing of what a horrible person I am, beacuse I already know; I feel it everyday. Thank you in advance.
Leigh 87 Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Hey:) First of all, do not feel bad. You made a mistake, it does not make you a bad person. It just means you have things to work on. You were unhappy in your relationship; the right thing to do, would be to have talked to your boyfriend and tell him that you felt so unhappy, to the point of cheating. Instead, you cheated. It was not the best desision, but feeling guilty or like a bad person over it, will not get you anywhere. It will not solve your problems. Good people cheat. Of course, some people who cheat do it because they are just jerks.. But you do not sound like a bad person, you sound like your one of the people who cheat due to making a bad desision. You do not sound like you know how to manage a healthy relationship, or even recognize what a healthy relationship is. A healthy relationship: - had two people in it, that want to spend most of their free time together. YOu should have yoour own life, hobbies, friends, interests you pursue.. but ultimately, you should enjoy being around one another so much, that you make time to spend together, above anything or anyone else. - Your boyfriend is consistant; he spends enough time to meed yout needs. - your boyfriend cuts ties with his ex. Signs that your relationship is disfunctional and not healthy and that your boyfriend is not truly in love with you: - he dated you, but moved into a sweet with his EX.... Huge red flag. That was very disrecpectful and strange. - he uses your cheating as a means to talk down to you, to yell at you, to be nasty to you over.. he consatntly reminds you, when he thinks you are not happy with him. - a guy who likes a girl or is in love with them, will not spend a whole summer away from them. He was not that into you, at the time. He would miss you way too much to be away from you IF he did like you that much.... You deserve better. I would tell him that you deserve a guy who likes you enough to spend time with you! AND - that you hope HE finds a girl, who he WANTS to spend a lot of time with. You deserve to be happy.. you will BOTH be happier with people who meet your needs. You will be happier with a guy who likes you enough to want to spend time with you; he will be happier with a girl who he WANTS to spend a lot of time with. That simple.
PegNosePete Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 The house was sold, and to my surprise, they ended up renting a suite together! Woah, WTF? This should have been your indication to ditch the guy immediately. Whatever BS he told you about her friends house being built or any other excuse, I would not put up with this situation. You should NOT have accepted this. Lets call this red flag 1. I begged and pleaded for us to spend more time with each other. I kept getting blown off. Red flag 2. Very likely he was seeing someone else. I cheated on him ... I had to tell him, so I did. I fully expected the relationship to be over due to my actions and to my surprise he wanted to make it work! Hmm well if he accepted it so easily then it is probably because he was also cheating. In his mind he justified it by "cancelling out" his cheating with yours, and saw no need to tell you about it. I should mention that he still lives with ex to this day..... WHAT THE F*CK!?!?!?! Ditch this jerk. He is cheating, I guarantee it 100%. 2
Author whathaveIdone Posted April 12, 2012 Author Posted April 12, 2012 Thanks guys, I appreciate the input very much; and I do agree. I just need to find the strength to break it off. Thank you again!
veggirl Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Who cares if you "cheated" on your secret "boyfriend" ? He clearly had a girlfriend the whole entire time. Not complicated at all. Are you still a secret? Does the "ex" know about you? Who the eff spends 4 years "with" someone who lives with their alleged ex?! God damn. Self respect....
skywriter Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 whathaveIdone, You should stop catering to this "cake eatin" guy. It is obvious that he's been cheating on his girlfriend the entire time with you. He's the cheater! You were more like the OW. Reread your post. If your best friend had posted your Op, what would you advise her to do? ....and how can you call him a great guy?! Who blows you off, goes away for an entire summer, lives with his girlfriend. Stop calling her his ex! He's great alright, a great POS!
Professor X Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 This has got to be some really sick joke. Spending 4 years in a secret RS. 4 Four Quattro Arba Quatre Tessera Vier Chetire Yon 100 (binary for ya) YEARS of secrecy, oh god, he's just gorgeous, isn't he, I mean, why else would a girl waste SO much time with a guy hiding? How sad. I'd tell ya that the OBVIOUS thing anyone would do is find someone else, but you wasted 4 years on him, so I guess you ain't going anywhere; As for your question, there's nothing you can do, just suffer in silence I suppose. GL.
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 So are you still playing on the same sports team? And none of those people know you are engaged? Why?
JohnnyCage Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Why can't I find someone like her? I always seem to come across intelligent ones
Author whathaveIdone Posted April 12, 2012 Author Posted April 12, 2012 Thank you everyone, it's amazing how other peoples perspective on the situation can really open ones eyes. I am truly grateful for all the comments and insights. To answer some questions, Mme. Chaucer; through the winter we play on seperate teams as there are no coed teams, however, this spring and summer we will be playing hockey on the same team yes. As for him being away for a summer; he was at the cabin, only 3 hours away. He did come home, briefly for supplies and laundry etc. There is no cell service, hydro or running water at the lake. I did go up as much as possible, however there were always other friends there as well which limited our QT together. As for the ex, I know she is an ex as her and I are friends, weird I know... As I said before it is a complicated situation, I know; and I do sometimes feel I wasted 4 years, but things weren't bad until I did what I did. I am trying to rectify it, but unsure how to gain his trust back. This is my last kick at the cat, if it doesn't work I will walk away. Thank you all again.
loversquarrel Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Honestly??? The drama in this relationship is making me anxious....and it doesn't have anything to do with me!!! You both need to part ways, this is about as far from healthy as two people can get. There is no foundation to this relationship, so cheating is really the least of your problems. I see a bigger problem here, i'm not bashing so please don't take what I am about to say the wrong way.....you should seek help. There is something here that wreaks of dependence and low self esteem with you, along with some deeper issues. This has nothing to do with him, he has his own problems, but you need to help yourself become a healthier person and then look for a healthier relationship. I wish you the best, you seem like a good person. Another thing....You think you may have cheated, but to be honest you were never really in a committed relationship to begin with, so go easy on yourself. This is coming from someone who knows what its like to be in a committed relationship that ended because of infidelity.
LolaRuby Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Don't you get it? You deserve a committed, open, healthy relationship. From day one. So does he. Sneaking around, cheating and living with your 'ex' doesn't really constitute 'healthy' to me.
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