despicableME Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 (edited) I honestly believe what helped you two survive this was the fact you moved. The move brought about a change in scenery... a change in the whole dynamic in the relationship... a place to truly start over, without any reminders. It was a new chapter in your life; hence, the reference of a "new" marriage-- a new life, really. Edited April 13, 2012 by despicableME
The Blue Knight Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 .......................................... And you never answered the question: Deep down do you think she genuinely, truly LOVES you? If the answer to that is "yes," how can you tell? Also, how is her lying to you about her motives for the affair consistent with really loving you, or respecting you, for that matter? Ham, nobody can really know if they are loved or how deeply they are loved. Only God knows the heart of a man. We can only speculate based on what that person says to us and how they express that love. Nobody can truly know because love is based on trust. I worked with a guy who always talked sweet to his wife on the phone . . . you know, the typical "I love you babe" at the conclusion of their phone calls. To listen to him, you'd think he was deeply and madly in love with her. But he was cheating on her the entire time. Words are just words. Action counts, but even actions can be meant for deceitful purposes. To many people spend time beating up individuals who are just trying to make it work. It's not fair to project your experiences on NH. 1
frozensprouts Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 It's hard to quantify my trust level. Short answer, yes I trust her. Long answer, I trust her but I no longer blindly trust her like I used to. As most BSs, I've learned that anything is possible. But that sentiment is not limited to just my wife. My level of trust for everyone has been brought down a few notches. She has been open and transparent for the past four years. I have full access to her computer, email, Facebook, banking, and phone. I have not found anything that would cause alarm. The trust issue is not so much centered on her cheating in the future. I'm confident that she would not make that choice again. She's experienced the destruction that A's bring. She has been remorseful, ashamed, and realizes how close I came to divorcing her. It's more on the transparency. I now have a bullcrap radar that I didn't possess prior to d-day. I'm much more attuned to what she is telling me and not telling me. If something doesn't quite add up, I'll follow up on it. She knows that I expect full transparency and honesty. Keep in mind this would be the case even if I remarried. I wouldn't blindly trust my second wife either. That's the loss of innocence mentioned earlier in the thread. i can totally relate... around the time my husband left to be with his other woman, and was waffling back and forth, one of the things that he would say to me was that he wasn't happy, and hadn't been, but didn't want to hut me or add to my stress level by telling me that. (of course, during the initial stages of his affair he was grouchy towards me all the time...and in my state of "blind trust", i figured it was work, etc., and not the fact that he was cheating) after we reconciled, one thing that used to scare me was how would i know if he was feeling that way again and not telling me? I'd be afraid every time he got quiet. I really didn't trust my ability to read him... one of the thins that i found out was that it can be damned near impossible to read your spouses emotions if they choose to hie them from you. that's why talking is so important...even if it's really hard. you have to be willing to listen, and also willing to open up and be honest, even if it's going to be hard to hear.
jnj express Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I am kind of curious about what you did when you got home from that company Xmas party of hers you went to long ago---where she just plain left you for the evening, while she flirted, and messed around with all the other men Did you do anything about that---or didn't you care enuff to dig into what was really going on If it had been me, and I am in know way tooting my horn---I would have left her there, and when she arrived home, she would have found her suitcases packed and waiting for her on the porch------that event by itself, is enuff for you to know, there was a huge problem---and it was total disrespect of you her H, no matter what was going on, you never deserved to ever be treated like that!!!! You say that your mge, was entering a down phase---I have to disagree with you--- 2 yrs into most mge's the spouses are still very much starry eyed, and in love with each other, unless there are other problems, that conversation would have brought to light A typical mge---begins to have problems around 7 yrs in. You keep excusing your wife's behavior----how do excuse her looking you in the eyes each night as you came home, and said everything was fine, that little deception being done to you for 7 yrs.---That was 7 yrs, of cheating by omission. Obviously you are satisfied with your wife now, but as you say your lie detector is always on alert---and sad to say, it always will be You can phrase it any way you want---but IMHO, you do not live a carefree life, and you do not have real piece of mind---- One last thing before I get out of your life---why did your wife reconcile---( come back to the mge.,)-----was it cuz she was scared sh*tless, that you would leave her, and she would now be on her own, having to make her way, in the big bad world-----was it cuz the OM, was tired of her, and you were the backup-----it couldn't have truly been for love---for one does not love a spouse and purpously, knowingly destroy them.----Just using the Xmas party as a prime example!!!!!
y2k Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 I don't want to sound like a broken record, but I still want to repeat what I said so that the OP can learn something: It's not worth trying to keep a spouse who lies in such a big fashion. You don't want the day to come when you get home and the house if half-empty with a note saying how she's going off with the love of her life (another guy). Life is too short to try to "save" a marriage the is broken due to cheating. If she really loved you, she would have never done what she did. Good luck bro.
JustJoe Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 .........................Well, Ham , you are wrong about almost everything. I'm no cheater, as I wasn't married to anyone, at the time, so you are wrong there. I fully sympathize with B&S but have no sympathy for you, or any other person who attempts to brow-beat a poster. I could care less about his wife, and it's not important that I do so. It's what HE feels that is important and how much HE feels he has his wife's love. It's not up to you or me , at all to cross examine his situation, it's his life after all, not yours. B&S owes you nothing.
sylviaguardian Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 Hi B and S, Thanks for posting here - it's not always easy. I haven't been on this board for years because everytime you post there is always at least one person telling you that things are much worse than you imagine. There are some great, supportive people too but the bitter, negative ones had a bad effect on me. I empathise with you because I found out 9 years ago that my husband had been having an affair with a colleague. I won't go into the details but I stayed with him. It took around 3 years to get most of the truth out of him. One thing I learnt (on here) is that you will probably never get the full truth because the WS has no motivation to tell you stuff that will sicken/infuriate you. Of course, people need to know the rough truth of what happened, but as for details, forget it! Second, I know you have had a lot of things re-hashed from your post that you weren't even interested in but for the record I think there is no big mystery to why people have affairs. Essentially, they do it because they are self-centred selfish people who don't consider others. My husband is much less selfish than he used to be. He used to get annoyed if I asked him to spend time with me and his children at weekends because he considered that his 'free time'. But essentially people who seek affairs are self-centred and generally speaking fairly immature. It's kind of pointless to ask if your wife believed that she could have a guy round to watch movies with and do nothing. Obviously she hoped something would happen but does it really matter now? Finally, the empty feeling is something I can relate to and I agree it is linked to the loss of innocence. Once you've been betrayed like that it's not so easy to see relationships as the thing that will save you. You start to realise that it's down to you really, to sort out your own happiness. I agree with a lot of your points. I stayed with the marriage partly because there was no way I was having my kids taken off me every second weekend and there was no way I wanted them to go through that pain, but also Iknew I would be connected forever to my husband through them and that dealing with that in my life would have been hard. Thanks for posting. usually you hear stories of people who decide to throw the whole thing and how amazing it is to be single or you hear about people who claim their marriage is 100% improved since the affair. Both of those always struck me as a little false. The truth is it's hard, hard work to keep things going. Sometimes I wish I hadn't bothered but more often than not, I;m glad I stayed. It's nice to hear how others in the same situation cope. 4
Author Betrayed&Stayed Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 Hi B and S, Thanks for posting here - it's not always easy. I haven't been on this board for years because everytime you post there is always at least one person telling you that things are much worse than you imagine. There are some great, supportive people too but the bitter, negative ones had a bad effect on me. I empathise with you because I found out 9 years ago that my husband had been having an affair with a colleague. I won't go into the details but I stayed with him. It took around 3 years to get most of the truth out of him. One thing I learnt (on here) is that you will probably never get the full truth because the WS has no motivation to tell you stuff that will sicken/infuriate you. Of course, people need to know the rough truth of what happened, but as for details, forget it! Second, I know you have had a lot of things re-hashed from your post that you weren't even interested in but for the record I think there is no big mystery to why people have affairs. Essentially, they do it because they are self-centred selfish people who don't consider others. My husband is much less selfish than he used to be. He used to get annoyed if I asked him to spend time with me and his children at weekends because he considered that his 'free time'. But essentially people who seek affairs are self-centred and generally speaking fairly immature. It's kind of pointless to ask if your wife believed that she could have a guy round to watch movies with and do nothing. Obviously she hoped something would happen but does it really matter now? Finally, the empty feeling is something I can relate to and I agree it is linked to the loss of innocence. Once you've been betrayed like that it's not so easy to see relationships as the thing that will save you. You start to realise that it's down to you really, to sort out your own happiness. I agree with a lot of your points. I stayed with the marriage partly because there was no way I was having my kids taken off me every second weekend and there was no way I wanted them to go through that pain, but also Iknew I would be connected forever to my husband through them and that dealing with that in my life would have been hard. Thanks for posting. usually you hear stories of people who decide to throw the whole thing and how amazing it is to be single or you hear about people who claim their marriage is 100% improved since the affair. Both of those always struck me as a little false. The truth is it's hard, hard work to keep things going. Sometimes I wish I hadn't bothered but more often than not, I;m glad I stayed. It's nice to hear how others in the same situation cope. Thanks for the comments. W and I had another talk last week about the A. A few good things came out of it. Over the years of listening to her side of the story I readily picked up the power of denial (at that time, not necessarily post d-day) much sooner than she will. Also, she would frequently say something like "I can't tell you what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking logically, it was all emotional". This is because I'm more logical than emotional. I brought up the movie date situation again. She did acknowledge that she must have known what was going to happen because I pointed out that she was aware of the sexual tension between the two of them at that point of the relationship. She went on to acknowledged that the A started out as an emotional affair. (I've known that, but it was nice to hear it from her.) I was able to debunk the "emotional/logical" parrying by pointing out that she was thinking logically enough to cover her tracks and lie. Affairs don't "just happen". They are calculated. I appreciated that she vocalized that she was thinking logically to a degree. In response to Ham's posts and my own reasons, I asked about the OM. What was he to her? A boyfriend? A friend with benefits? A hookup? (I asked this years ago.) Her response was that he was a test drive for the single life. A "What if" I never got married. A temporary escape of the realities of marriage. I flipped it and asked what she thought she was to him. She didn't know. As a man, a "hookup" is my most likely theory. A young good looking single guy is not looking for a long term relationship from a married woman. He's after piece of ass. One thing that bothered me about the OM was that she has said in the past that he never asked about our marriage; the topic of her being married was not discussed. I can see this happening if the OM was getting some action from a co-worker, and he didn't want to upset the cart. Holding the attitude of "things are good (no-strings-attached sex from married woman), why ruin it by questioning it?" Wife said that they could have discussed it, but she doesn't remember. This is a non-essential for me, but something I find odd. But then again what is "normal" within an A? If I were to engage in an affair, I would ask "what about your husband?" A few random responses to other posts. Renewing wedding vows? No, not anytime soon. I am now very cynical of vows (and weddings). Wife had her one chance to say her vows and honor them. Vows seem so empty after all of this. Leaving her at the Christmas party? I was very close to leaving her at the party. I was close to leaving her (divorce) soon after that incident solely based on her disdain for me at that time. At that time I was still trying to figure out what was going on. My wife having an affair was off my radar. Just <2 months prior, everything was great between us. We recently celebrated our 2nd anniversary like newlyweds. For those that would've left: I can't argue with anyone on that opinion. As I've stated elsewhere, there were many times that I thought our marriage was not worth salvaging. Like sylvia, I don't buy into the "our marriage is 100% improved" etc comments. We have learned a lot from the fallout, but I'll punch out anyone who says that is was good for our marriage. I take comfort in knowing that our marriage has been exposed, and we both live in the reality of it. I lived in false reality for 8 years; it sucks. A good friend of mine was cheated on by his wife a few years ago. He's the same age as me with the same aged kids. He divorced her, and I am aware of what he goes through having made that decision. Divorcing a person does not eliminate the pain. He still has to see his exW several times each week, and he still can't look her in the eyes. After all of this roller coaster ride, there are two items that I still deal with. First, the knowledge that it happened. I can't forget about it. Yes, it hurts even years later. Good news is that I can think about it, discuss details with my wife and my heart rate no longer gets jacked up like it used to. The raw emotion has been removed. I can even read headlines about Petrino without getting upset. Second, I'm cautious that she will find herself in a situation (sexually or non-sexually) and decide not to be transparent about it. To her credit, she has recently told me about certain sensitive situations that she could have kept to herself. This is what we talk about the most: her being honest, transparent, and talking about things even if it is uncomfortable or risky. 1
Owl Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 Holy cow...what a "voice from the past"!! Heya Sylvia...glad to "see" you again!
Furious Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 Betrayedandstayed You are a clear voice, an honest voice, that does not sugarcoat the reality of picking up the pieces and putting them together again. Your insight is valuable, especially for those who are in the early stages of whether or not to walk away or attempt to reconcile. Much appreciated!
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