My story of my W's Affair & Rebuilding

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I registered to LS for the motive to learn more about A's. It still bothers me how many people risk so much for an affair. Having an A is so foreign to me, maybe that's why I've had such a hard time dealing with my wife's A.

 

I've learned a lot from these forums, but I'm considering limiting my activity here. Reading the stories and comments bring back many memories and strong emotions. Before I do that, I'd like to share my story. My story is unique considering that my W confessed voluntarily, and she did it years after the fact.

 

Background:

We were married in 1997. We were in our late 20s. The affair occurred for several months during the 1999-2000 period. My wife rug swept it until confessing in 2008.

 

We had been married for two years, and just celebrated our second wedding anniversary. The first two years were blissful. I had recently switched jobs with a big pay increase. She recently changed careers as well. My new job required frequent travel all across US. She had to work weekends in her job. We didn’t have kids so it was easier to spend quality time together when our schedules allowed it. Our relationship had a history of LDR, so this was not new.

 

My Memory of the Affair At the Time:

Looking back after all of these years, the first sign of any trouble was Thanksgiving of that year. We spent the Thanksgiving with Wife’s family. She was very distant and acted odd. Her parents noticed this behavior also and called me the next week to ask if she was ok. I thought that she was going through some depression.

 

December was really bad. Whenever I was home she would not talk to me. She would not look at me. I got the pms vibe the whole time. I kept asking her what was wrong. I got the non-specific responses of “nothing; don’t’ know; it’s not you, it’s me.” She would work additional shifts during the weekend. At the time I thought it was to make money $ since she was on commission. With me traveling and her avoiding me by working extra shifts, we were very disconnected. I can describe it as her “checking out of the marriage.” She checked out, plain and simple.

 

Social gathering were increasing awkward.

 

We had made plans in advance to spend New Year’s Eve in a cabin in the mountains. She asked me to cancel the reservation. She said she was scared of the Y2K stuff. We ended up going out with Wife’s sister and her new boyfriend (now husband). That was another awkward night out. You could cut the air with a knife.

 

 

By January divorce was becoming a real possibility in my mind. I couldn’t stand the tension. Surely this “phase” or whatever has gone on long enough. What the hell is going on?!

 

It got to the point in January 2000 that I couldn’t take it anymore. I was flying back out for a trip and I remember telling Wife, “When I return from this trip and this **** is still going on, then I’m moving out.” During this time I felt invisible at best.

 

 

Soon after that things got back to normal. We celebrated that Valentine’s Day with new enthusiasm. Wife bought me an expensive leather jacket, which is not like her. For the next 8 years I referred to the period as the “dark period”. I chalked it up to a bout of depression, which runs in her family.

 

Filling in the Missing Pieces:

Fall 1999 a new guy started at Wife’s work place. While I was away working, Wife was hanging out with this new guy. They both were the same age, same background. Wife went out to lunch with OM frequently. Wife started doing activities with OM that she normally did with me. In essence, they were courting and dating. She started to work extra shifts for two reasons (1) to avoid me and (2) be with OM. Wife says that she truly thought that a platonic relationship could be maintained.

 

She invited OM over one night to watch a movie. It went so well that they decided to have another movie night. It was one of these nights at our house when they first screwed. This is the “WTF were you thinking?!?!” moment. Why would you invite a guy over while I was out of town? Her response was “At the time I thought we could be just friends.” She would have to be the most naïve girl in the world not to see the GIANT RED FLAG of that situation. I still highly doubt that claim. I claim that she knew what she was getting herself into. We agree to disagree on this matter.

 

That must have been before Thanksgiving. November through January she inflated my flaws and compared them against her new dreamy boyfriend. She started to rationalize her affair by questioning our marriage. Some the items that she listed as “reasons” for continuing the affair were insulting. One of which is she never got along with my mother. Another was that I was too responsible. Really? We just bought our first house, we had a lot of bills to pay, careers to get off the ground. All of the usual stuff for young couples just starting out on their own.

 

We went to her company Christmas party. Things were at the height of tension, but I was hoping for the best. We walk in the front door, hand our jackets over to the host. Wife turns left and walks away towards a group of guys. She totally blew me off. I spent most of the night sitting on a couch drinking my beer and wondering the WTF is going on. If I was more observant, I would’ve noticed how friendly she was with OM. Once I put that together later I was livid. It still pisses me off. She brought me to a party KNOWING her new boyfriend would be there. Then she lets me be the “stupid husband that doesn’t know that his wife is poking her co-worker, but everyone else knows.” I don’t know who at work knew, but I can guess that most had to have some idea.

 

She canceled the New Year’s trip because she knew that if we were alone, she would confess to the affair. So she canceled the trip.

 

Sometime in January she broke off the affair. She felt like crap. The guilt started to pile up pretty high. Shortly after the break up, OM left for another job. I’m not sure about the timing.

 

I had to give away the leather jacket because whenever I wore it I said in my head, “My wife screwed her co-worker and all I got was this lousy jacket.” The jacket was a huge trigger. A friend of ours got an expensive designer jacket for free.

 

In 2008 a couple that we knew informed me that they were divorcing. Wife asked me what I would say if someone asked us about our marriage. She then asked me what I thought about the “dark period”. That’s when she confessed. I was blown away. Denial, the first stage. It’s funny how I immediately went to “must have been a one night stand” assumptions. “She must have been drunk”. My brain could not fathom an ongoing affair. For the next few weeks we would talk and I would learn more details about the affair. I would have bet my life that Wife could not (would not) be capable of having an affair. That’s when I realized how naïve I was.

 

A few months after d-day we moved to another state and stopped MC temporarily.

 

We spent three years, off and on, in marriage counseling. I spent about a year in individual counseling. Wife started individual counseling prior to her confession. Once we moved that summer, she would not go to individual counseling. That was a big hang-up with me (and my counselor). She’s the one that had issues (adultery), and I’m the one going to counseling? She eventually went to her own counselor. We found a new marriage counselor as well. At one point we had three counselors simultaneously.

 

That first year was spent mostly looking back and self-evaluating ourselves individually and as a couple. There were a lot of discussions and arguing; highs and downward spirals.

 

Fall 2009 I was still so full of rage. This is the anger phase of grief. I yelled at my kids frequently. I yelled at Wife. I was self-medicating with alcohol. I even got into a fist fight at a football game with a drunk fan (I was sober). Prior to d-day, this was not in my nature. I decided to go on Zoloft before the holidays approached. The demons are so much stronger during Thanksgiving and Christmas, especially when we go back to visit family (near where the affair occurred). I stayed on Zoloft for about 18 months. The drug helped to take the edge off my emotions. I learned that irritability is a strong symptom of depression for men.

 

 

Those first three years post d-day were hell. Today we are doing much better. The rage and anger has been replaced by a dull ache. Most days I have a sense of peace. We’re still married. We realize that we are now two different people than then. It is a new marriage. The old marriage is dead. It is my opinion that in order to reconcile a marriage after an A, the marriage must be rebuilt. The old marriage can not be patched or fixed. It is shattered. Both spouses must commit to start over. It takes a lot of work, and a long time to work through the issues and emotions that accompany affairs.

Edited April 11, 2012 by Betrayed&Stayed

[Furious]

Dear: Betrayedandstayed

 

I cannot really offer you any solid advice, as I am pretty much a mess myself.

 

Just want you to know, I feel for what you are going through.

 

Feel what you feel, suppressing the many emotions you that bombard you can really do a number on you.

 

Take care of yourself, and allow your friends and family to also take care of you. That's been a big help to me. I've always been the go-to person and for the first time in my life, I need to be taken care of.

 

Hugs

[GorillaTheater]

Betrayed, it sounds like you have a solid handle on things. However: did you get what you needed from your wife? Things like genuine remorse, transparency and honesty? Does she understand how badly she hurt you?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Betrayed, it sounds like you have a solid handle on things. However: did you get what you needed from your wife? Things like genuine remorse, transparency and honesty? Does she understand how badly she hurt you?

 

"Yes" across the board. My W has done everything that I have asked her, and she has accepted the heat and questioning over the years.

 

I'm not looking for advice. I'm sharing my story since I post on here. Hopefully I can help others along the way.

 

I will add that first year or two I really struggled with the sexual aspect of the affair. It still gets to me, but not the way it used to. It still sucks! The past year or so I have focused on dealing with the deception and living in a false reality aspect.

 

I spent a lot of emotional energy trying to answer the "how could she?" question. I'm embarrassed to say that it took me a long time to realize and accept that my wife was not who I thought she was. My marriage was not what I thought it was.

[Furious]

The fact that your wife confessed, shows that she was willing to take the risk of losing you for the greater truth you deserved.

 

The deception of a false life, and coming to grips with such a betryal from someone you love, is a hard pill to swallow.

 

How and when did know you wanted to reconcile?

If you could back in time to when your wife confessed and now knowing how long and hard it has been to get to where you are now, would have chosen to stay married?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

The fact that your wife confessed, shows that she was willing to take the risk of losing you for the greater truth you deserved.

 

At one point I questioned if she confessed out of love and respect or self-serving purposes. I'm 99% sure that she did it for the right reasons and motives.

 

The deception of a false life, and coming to grips with such a betryal from someone you love, is a hard pill to swallow.

Oh, yeah. Especially when it involves starting a family. I would've never agreed to have kids if I thought our marriage was unstable. One year after the A, my wife was pregnant with our first child.

 

It's hard to accept that my wife was willing to continue our marriage that was based on lies, deception, and manipulation while I thought it was based on honesty, trust, and faithfulness. This is the prime reason I say that our "first" marriage is dead. I don't acknowledge our anniversary. D-day is our new anniversary. I don't have any pictures of us on display from that period. We used to have a lot of wedding pictures on the walls. All of them are packed up. I don't care to ever look at them again.

 

How and when did know you wanted to reconcile?

If you could back in time to when your wife confessed and now knowing how long and hard it has been to get to where you are now, would have chosen to stay married?

I wanted to reconcile from the start. Up till when she confessed I was very happy in our marriage. It was the foundation of my happiness and self-identity. I'm sure that people looking from the outside thought we were one of those perfect couples/family. I loved my wife. Over the recovery years there were times that I wanted to walk away. Either my emotions cooled down, or the circumstances didn't permit it at the time. It was usually during the holiday season when I was most depressed that I thought about moving out, even if temporarily.

 

Within the first year post d-day we reached a point were I felt like we were just co-parents to our kids. I asked myself "I'm busting my emotional ass for what? This? This isn't worth fighting for." After discussing this, we altered our schedules and made more time for each other. That alone saved our marriage.

 

We are in a good place now in terms of marriage and life. We are blessed.

 

I learned many hard lessons at a very high cost. We have both learned much about our families of origin and how that plays into our relationship. It was something prior that we didn't think about or discuss.

[frozensprouts]

it sounds like you "lost your innocence" re: your wife and your marriage ( and perhaps relationships in general)...

 

i think we have all probably been there, and it's a very sobering thing...

the one person who you trusted to not hurt you, to always "have your back", to be there for you and to always want what's best for you turns out to not be everything you thought they were...

 

i remember that feeling. it took me a lot to trust my husband, and even when he was cheating, I couldn't fathom that he could do that to me, i figured all his strange behavior must be due to something else, the idea that he could cheat never even occurred to me until it had already happened.

 

it just broke my heart to pieces when i found out, and although i trust him again, i don't think it will ever be the "blind trust" that it was before...

 

is it like that for you too?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

it sounds like you "lost your innocence" re: your wife and your marriage ( and perhaps relationships in general)...

 

i think we have all probably been there, and it's a very sobering thing...

the one person who you trusted to not hurt you, to always "have your back", to be there for you and to always want what's best for you turns out to not be everything you thought they were...

 

i remember that feeling. it took me a lot to trust my husband, and even when he was cheating, I couldn't fathom that he could do that to me, i figured all his strange behavior must be due to something else, the idea that he could cheat never even occurred to me until it had already happened.

 

it just broke my heart to pieces when i found out, and although i trust him again, i don't think it will ever be the "blind trust" that it was before...

 

is it like that for you too?

 

EXACTLY!!

Loss of innocence is a good description.

[Furious]

Loss of innocence...and an enormous burden to carry.

 

It angers me that WS burns the house down BS is handed the burden of rebuilding even though they were not the one playing with matches.

[The Blue Knight]

Great posting B&S.

 

Those of us who suffered something similar at some point in our lives are all sitting here reading your reflections back on that terrible period in your life saying, "yep, I remember that."

 

Your insights about your wife's excuse "I thought I could have him over and watch a movie together and just be friends" is lame. I'm sorry. Whether she consciously knew what she was hoping would happen or unconsciously, she was most definitely hoping they'd end up in a physical relationship. IF what she were saying was indeed true, her reply to the OM at the point where he made a pass would have been "excuse me, I'm married . . . and you and I are friends and I think you got the wrong idea." She'd do herself a favor if she'd just come clean on her motives now that this many years have passed . . . although at this point, your marriage is good, so I guess I wouldn't push the issue.

 

Congrats on making it work. Nice to see a success story now and then.

 

Question for you since this came up on another thread. Do you think if you'd been given a confession immediately after your wife ended her affair in Jan-Feb 2000 things would have gone better, or did the eight years that she held it in help overall? Just curious about your insights if any?

 

Also, was the OM married? Did you ever determine if his moving to another company was instrumental in their breakup, or was it your announcement that things better change when you got back from your trip?

[The Blue Knight]

I spent a lot of emotional energy trying to answer the "how could she?" question. I'm embarrassed to say that it took me a long time to realize and accept that my wife was not who I thought she was. My marriage was not what I thought it was.

 

I think to a large degree many of us felt that way ^ about our wayward spouse. After all, who in their right mind would marry someone we think is going to cheat on us? We marry because we believe in that person and we trust that they are committed to loving us for the remainder of their lives.

 

Your wording is very accurate. I never really was able to accept that my ex-wife wasn't who I thought she was. I didn't show it, but in the back of my mind, I knew there were things about her that just weren't what I had thought when I met her. She had depression and anxiety issues that played into a lot of her dumb choices.

 

Today, I've got a great wife (just hit 15 years) and she is very committed to me in every way that a marriage can be. But once you've lived through an affair, you always tell yourself "anything is possible" and you're never as naive afterward.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

She'd do herself a favor if she'd just come clean on her motives now that this many years have passed . . . although at this point, your marriage is good, so I guess I wouldn't push the issue.

It's not worth pushing. Memories are faded and altered after spending 8 years repressing them. Bottom line: she had an affair because she wanted to (consciously or not).

 

Question for you since this came up on another thread. Do you think if you'd been given a confession immediately after your wife ended her affair in Jan-Feb 2000 things would have gone better, or did the eight years that she held it in help overall? Just curious about your insights if any?

No doubt I would've kicked her to the curb immediately. At that time we had 2 years of marriage invested and a new house that we had bought together. That's easier to walk away from. Sometimes I wish that I did know for two reasons: (1) I would have a sense of control, (2) I could've cut ties and not have to put in the work. I was young enough to start over. But I wasn't dealt that hand.

 

The 8 years feels like a paradox. The 8 years gave us time to grow and mature together and as individuals. Yet, it was perpetuated by lying and deception. In 2008 we had 10+ years of marriage, two kids, most of our adult life together as a couple. I wasn't able to walk away so easily. The deciding factor for me was that I could never be 'free' of her because of kids. Even if we divorced, we would be forever connected by the kids. I felt that divorce was exchanging one set of problems for another. Of course one set would involve my children who were at very vulnerable ages. I decided to put in the work and try to reconcile.

 

Also, was the OM married? Did you ever determine if his moving to another company was instrumental in their breakup, or was it your announcement that things better change when you got back from your trip?

He was not married then. He was dating a girl who is now his wife. His wife knows about the A now. I suspect that she only recently found out (2011).

 

I don't think that his job change played a part in the break up. I've wondered if he left the company because of the awkwardness of the situation. They would have still been working in the same proximity every day. Who knows.

 

It was more of the pressure of the guilt and living a double life. She realized that she was losing me, even though I didn't know about the A. Maybe the thrill of being the bad girl was wearing off, and the reality of divorce and adultery was coming to full light.

[beenburned]

B&S,

 

Thank you for sharing your story! I also am one of the few BS's whose spouse confessed many years later.(with a slight twist to the story)

 

Early in our marriage when the kids were young, he got caught cheating, when a co-workers wife called and told me what was going on.He claimed it was the only time he had ever been unfaithful to me.

 

During this same time many of his co-workers had already been caught, and their wives were divorcing them. He got to listen to their divorce stories on a daily basis. (child support, alimony, losing their homes, etc)

 

There was also the fact if we divorced I would move back to my hometown, which was 300 miles away, and he wouldn't get to see the kids on a daily basis.

 

We reconciled, and the kids grew up and graduated from high school. He called me to him and said he needed to confess something from years before.

 

The OW he was caught with years ago was not the first, but really the third OW he had been with.

 

He asked me to please forgive him for keeping the lie all those years. He truly felt that if I had known the whole truth back then, I definitely would have divorced him.(yes I would have)

 

He had never wanted a divorce because he loved me and our marriage. His cheating was simply a selfish, self centered action based on his immaturity at that point in time.

 

He had totally proven himself a changed H over the course of all those years.

 

I did feel rage that he took my choice away from me years ago. But even if I had divorced him back then, there are never any guaranties that my life would have been better with someone else.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

B&S, you may not be looking for "advice" by posting, but you are--like so many other Betrayed Spouses--are looking for validation that your reconciliation is "real" and you are "doing the right thing."

 

Unless you have gotten your children DNA-tested to make sure they are yours, you're still on square one.

 

By giving your wife a pass on telling you her true motives, you are giving her a pass on what she needs to do and rug-sweeping. Yes YOU know that she cheated "because she wanted to." But that's not the point, is it?

 

SHE has to ACKNOWLEDGE that she cheated because she wanted to, or she is still hiding secrets from you, still being dishonest with you, and your recovery will remain a false one. Her reluctance to go to IC is indicative that she's not truly remorseful. When she finally confessed after all those years, she did so because she KNEW that you'd had children and you were in a position where it would be very difficult for you to pull the divorce trigger. She RELIED on the fact that you would not divorce her after all that time and children.

 

Your wife is totally playing you. That's one of the reasons you feel that dull ache. You and she are rug-sweeping. She still hasn't really come clean.

 

Rug sweeping her reasons for cheating because of the passage of time, she probably doesn't remember, is just a rationalization. YOU remember and it is burned into your brain. Guaranteed that SHE remembers too.

 

Now I don't think anyone in your position every gets the ENTIRE truth...all the grimy details of every tryst....but you still haven't gotten the ESSENTIAL truth from her: WHY? Why did she cheat for so long....why did she lie about it....why did she cover it up for so long....what made her finally blurt it out?

 

No I don't think you're doing as well as you think.

 

And I think there's a lot more that she hasn't told you about, too.

 

Sorry buddy.

 

Thanks, Ham.

 

I'm not looking for validation. I feel that if I'm going to post on this forum and dole out advice and opinions, then it would be beneficial for others to know my situation.

 

Other than that, I completely understand all of your points. Not a single one is new to me. I've voiced the same concerns, and they have been sufficiently covered.

 

She did go to IC after I asked her to resume. We both went to IC for well over a year.

 

I'm not going to rehash 3 years worth of marriage counseling sessions on this thread.

 

I have dull ache because of the fact that my wife pleasured another man and vice versa. I can forgive, but I can't forget.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Ham,

 

You bring up a lot of points. A few are valid but most are way off. I'm not going to counter point-by-point, but I'll provide additional info on one to demonstrate the validity of our reconciliation.

 

The Why. I know Why, and it is complex. I might leave something out but here it goes:

 

1 - Low Self-Esteem

She was insecure and relied on flirtatious responses to be validated. She did not realize that at the time, but through counseling and self-reflection she discovered this trait. Nearly 40, she is still very attractive but no longer requires exterior validation of her self-worth. Her appearance is much more modest compared to then.

 

2 - Communication - Big Factor! This was the cause of built up resentment. My approach to decision making was to stake my initial response: Yes or No. From there let the debating/exchange begin. She came from a family where the Father had the first and last say in matters. It was not debatable. How did this work between us?

Wife - "I'd like to go to XYZ for vacation."

Me - "I'd rather not. I'd like go to ABC."

We would go to ABC for vacation.

She was conditioned her entire life not to push back and say something like "I want to go to XYZ because ..... It means a lot to me that we go to XYZ." She doesn't debate it, because that was taboo in her family.

 

For me, she doesn't respond back so I assume that she is okay with my suggestion/decision. In reality she feels dismissed and it is filed away to the resentment bank. I was working within the model of my family of origin, and she was working within hers. Neither one of us realized this. This went on during our entire history together until a few years ago when we discovered this huge disconnect.

 

We have learned how to better communicate. This piece has been huge!

 

3 - Trap of Stage of Marriage

We were exiting the Honeymoon phase of our marriage. The "fun" of the relationship was waning. This is huge trap period for affairs. Unfortunately it also coincided with me traveling frequently, which provided both a void and opportunity.

Link Passages of Marriage: Five Growth Stages | Marriage Missions International see Realistic Love

 

4 - Lack of Boundaries

She lacked boundaries. The lack of boundaries fostered the EA, which led to PA. We have covered this extensively, and she has adhered to strict boundaries.

 

5 - Lack of Close Friends

She did not have any close friends to hang out with or confide in. As she grew up, she consistently had close male friends. She thought she could handle having male friends as a married woman. See lack of boundaries.

 

6 - Inability to Articulate Emotions/Thoughts/Feelings

At that time all of this was going on, but she was not equipped to deal with these factors and emotions. In addition, she lacked critical thinking skills. She was not wired that way. One result was her self-awareness was very low.

Today, she has a Master's degree and is very skilled in critical thinking and articulating her thoughts and ideas. She has gone 180 degrees in this area.

 

For my part, my parents are still married, but provided a poor example of marriage life as I grew up. My parents hid ALL confrontation from me and my siblings. I understand why they did this, but the unintended result is we grew up thinking that marriage would be easy.

 

I could give similar dissertations for other points that you have raised, but I'm not. Trust me, we both have dug deep and dug often over the past 4 years. I could write a book on what we have experienced, discussed, and discovered over the past 4 years in regards to the affair so don't assume too much.

[drifter777]

... I have dull ache because of the fact that my wife pleasured another man and vice versa. I can forgive, but I can't forget.

 

B&S: I cried when I read your story and I'm not sure why because I've never done this before and I've read lots of infidelity stories. I'm sure it's because at least some of it is hitting me right in the gut. The words that really struck a chord with me are highlighted above. I know you are not seeking advice on this thread, but I have to say a couple things.

 

First, I'm afraid that the dull ache you feel is going to get worse. I say that because it may be a symptom of a major, unresolved issue. Perhaps it's the fact that she tricked you into staying married by withholding the truth about her betrayal and then getting pregnant. Perhaps it's the fact that you are so ashamed of her because of her slutty behavior and have lost respect for her permanently, but you aren't ready to face that fact yet. You may even feel contempt for her, especially when your memories of what she did are triggered.

 

Second, I respect you when you say you are posting your story to give you more credibility when you offer advice to other BS's. That is important to most of us. However, I think posting it is a red flag regarding your own personal recovery and you should discuss this with your therapist. Don't just reject this out of hand; at least consider the possibility.

 

Thanks for your post.

[Furious]

Dear B&S

 

Thank you for sharing your story.

Some of the responses seem a bit harsh.

Only you know what is right for you and your family.

 

I am early in the game of discovering my husband's affair. I know he would never have confessed. But no matter how much I sometimes wish I didn't know, I would rather be here with the painful truth than living a false life.

I have choices now.

 

Your wife controlled your choices, and she has placed you in virtual cage.

You started a family under false pretense, you are bound to your children, they are blameless and a gift. And now no matter which way you turn, what ever decisions you make it cannot be only about you.

 

You battled your pride versus what is good for your family.

That dull ache you feel are the bruises from the battle you have fought.

Only you know the answer.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

You battled your pride versus what is good for your family.

That dull ache you feel are the bruises from the battle you have fought.

Only you know the answer.

 

Thanks,

 

Battered pride and bruised ego are definitely other sources of the ache. Probably the primary sources.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Good Lord! Obsess much? Or should I ask Project much? For every line item, you're assuming the absolutely worst-case scenario as proven fact.

 

You know me, my wife, and 15 years of marriage better than I do? Amazing!

 

[Face Palm]

Edited April 13, 2012 by Betrayed&Stayed

[despicableME]

B&S, I'm glad that you are in a better place now.

 

If I may ask. Do you have any risidual feelings concerning having trust in your wife? What I mean is- Do you absolutely and unequivocally trust her?

 

I ask this because I've read where many fully reconciled couples still have some doubt in the back of their minds. Sure they have a new marriage- as you have reiterated- but some doubt lingers. Is this true for you?

[JustJoe]

..........................................

 

And you never answered the question:

 

Deep down do you think she genuinely, truly LOVES you?

 

If the answer to that is "yes," how can you tell?

 

Also, how is her lying to you about her motives for the affair consistent with really loving you, or respecting you, for that matter?

Dude, you need to chill. B&S is doing what he feels is best , in his situation, and you are not any kind of a prosecutor, so take him at his word , and show a little respect............ B&S, Ham has some good points but clearly thinks he's Perry Mason or something. Don't let him brow-beat you.

[y2k]

If that had been my wife, I would have left her.

 

It's not worth trying to keep a spouse who lies in such a big fashion. You don't want the day to come when you get home and the house if half-empty with a note saying how she's going off with the love of her life (another guy).

 

Life is too short to try to "save" a marriage the is broken due to cheating. If she really loved you, she would have never done what she did.

 

Just my two cents. Good luck.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

B&S, I'm glad that you are in a better place now.

 

If I may ask. Do you have any risidual feelings concerning having trust in your wife? What I mean is- Do you absolutely and unequivocally trust her?

 

I ask this because I've read where many fully reconciled couples still have some doubt in the back of their minds. Sure they have a new marriage- as you have reiterated- but some doubt lingers. Is this true for you?

 

It's hard to quantify my trust level. Short answer, yes I trust her.

 

Long answer, I trust her but I no longer blindly trust her like I used to. As most BSs, I've learned that anything is possible. But that sentiment is not limited to just my wife. My level of trust for everyone has been brought down a few notches.

 

She has been open and transparent for the past four years. I have full access to her computer, email, Facebook, banking, and phone. I have not found anything that would cause alarm.

 

The trust issue is not so much centered on her cheating in the future. I'm confident that she would not make that choice again. She's experienced the destruction that A's bring. She has been remorseful, ashamed, and realizes how close I came to divorcing her. It's more on the transparency. I now have a bullcrap radar that I didn't possess prior to d-day. I'm much more attuned to what she is telling me and not telling me. If something doesn't quite add up, I'll follow up on it. She knows that I expect full transparency and honesty.

 

Keep in mind this would be the case even if I remarried. I wouldn't blindly trust my second wife either. That's the loss of innocence mentioned earlier in the thread.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

But the point is she is not living up to this reasonable expectation and you are not imposing any effective consequences for the lack of full transparency and honesty.

 

It is not my intention to "obsess" or induce more "face palms" from you.

 

I am just trying to point out that you don't seem to recognize that the expectations you may have mean nothing unless you have the means & willingness to make those expectations stick.

 

Yes. She is fully aware that she only gets one second chance. Anything she does that pulls the rug from under my trust means divorce. She knows that I will divorce her, and I know that I'll divorce her. It will stick.

 

As a side note, please know that the 3 years post d-day we have worked with 5 different professional counselors. I'm sure that we've got everything covered. When something new does pops up, we know how to address and resolve it.

[Binster]

Just wonderd if anyone else knew about the affair.

 

Now things seem more or less sorted have you ever thought about renewing your vows to kind of draw a line under things.