sypoy Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 We’re classmates in collage & some months ago she asked me for some help with homework & then slowly opened up. After that we became friends and we started talking about ourselves & other things. After some time we saw each other more often & I started to like her because she was very nice. Then I gave her presents & did things for her that I thought girls would like & have read on the internet & I thought she’d love them, some of which were very romantic & we became closer friends. I talked to her about how much I love her & how much she means to me & the only thing I want is her happiness & I expect nothing from her. I did every romantic thing that I could think of or I had read about. Although sometimes I thought that they weren’t enough. I told her a few times that I only want to be close friend & I’ll stay her friend forever. Although she said that she liked my actions a lot but I couldn’t see any emotional response from her & this was strange since I thought that if somebody has done the same for me I would have loved that person. When I asked her she said that she is very sensitive & she doesn’t want to connect to someone because they might break her heart later & that this had happened before & she won’t marry ever, etc. Things stayed the same for some time. Recently I talked to her about her need for a relationship & someone to emotionally depend on & that she needs to let her emotions to flow & the fact that I couldn’t see her suffer like this. But she still refused & said that she was fine and said that although I was perfect (she said this on many occasions) but it’s only at the start & that she doesn’t want to get hurt again & there isn’t anything wrong with me. Then I gave her a pack of things (gifts) that I thought were super romantic with poem, drawings, and flowers, chocolate, some books & movies, etc. And she liked that a lot. And I told her that although I would never ask anything from her but I want her to let go of her emotions, because it was like “she is standing before me & slowly putting a dagger in her hearth & I couldn’t see this.” & I love her, etc. She said she would think about it. After this she stopped calling me, she avoids me in the collage or hangs with her friends (she said our friends shouldn’t know about our connection, (it’s cultural, nothing important!)). She doesn’t respond my texts, doesn’t answer my calls or rejects them, switches off her phone or changes her SIM card (Although I have their number). I’m so worried. What should I do? Some say it’s because she isn’t sure if she want you or that she wouldn’t be enough for you, or I’m not good enough for her, or she doesn’t want to get hurt again, or she’s unsure of herself, or she's avoiding me so she won't have to face breaking up with me. What do you think? What can I do? I want to help her. Thank you. (Sorry for the grammar.)
KathyM Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 She's avoiding you because she doesn't want to deal with the pressure you are putting on her. Buying her all this stuff and trying so hard to turn on a romantic side to your friendship is not building an attraction, it is having the opposite effect. She has put you in the friendzone for whatever reason--whether it is because she does not see you as bf material, or because she really does not want a deeper relationship with a man, and you either are going to have to accept being just a friend, or walk away alltogether. It sounds like she has already made that decision for you--she's walked away, because you have made it obvious that friendship is not enough for you. I suggest you let this girl go and focus on initiating a relationship with a girl who would want and value a romantic relationship with you. This girl does not, and you need to accept that. She made it clear she didn't want that kind of relationship from you, and when you continued to buy gifts, etc., you put too much pressure on her for something she wasn't interested in. Sorry. 2
thatone Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 yeah, this isn't going anywhere, and if there's any advice you need it's this... when women are attracted to you they will worry about making YOU happy. it's not one sided like this situation is, where you chase and they let you chase them or not. that's not healthy or normal at all. so don't do this stuff in the future for a girl you don't even know anything about. 1
Author sypoy Posted April 11, 2012 Author Posted April 11, 2012 (edited) because she really does not want a deeper relationship with a man. I'm not expecting a relationship with myself from her. I just don't want her to hurt herself. I don't care if she doesn't care about me & I told her that I will help her with any relationship, be it a girl or boy. But I can't see her hurt herself like this. And I can't let her do this, so please give me some advice. Edited April 11, 2012 by sypoy
KathyM Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 I'm not expecting a relationship with myself from her. I just don't want her to hurt herself. I don't care if she doesn't care about me & I told her that I will help her with any relationship, be it a girl or boy. But I can't see her hurt herself like this. And I can't let her do this, so please give me some advice. There's nothing you can do to "help her". She doesn't want your help. She doesn't need your help. You're not in any position to help her open herself up to having a relationship with anyone, because you have shown yourself to be someone who has other motives and a romantic interest, therefore you are not a neutral party who can help her. What she needs, if she is truly having a problem with rejecting men in general and closed off to a relationship with a man, is to see a therapist about this. But I would suggest you back off. She is making it clear she doesn't want contact with you. You need to accept that. Any relationship, whether friendship or something else, takes two people to maintain. If one person is not interested in a relationship, you can't force it from them, you can't buy it from them. It can't be one-sided like that. I would suggest you back off and respect her wishes to keep a distance.
Author sypoy Posted April 11, 2012 Author Posted April 11, 2012 (edited) You're not in any position to help her open herself up to having a relationship with anyone ,because you have shown yourself to be someone who has other motives and a romantic interest, therefore you are not a neutral party who can help her. Thanks but I don't have any romantic interests of that kind. I made it clear (I think) that I only want to become a close friend & that I cared about her & I also talked to her about my love interest & she kinda knows her. I really don't understand. I have a very special personality & this is why I say that I'm more emotional than girls & nobody listens. Edited April 11, 2012 by sypoy
Author sypoy Posted April 11, 2012 Author Posted April 11, 2012 KathyM or anyone else, is it still your opinion that I'm not in a neutral position? I wont let it go & I think you didn't understand my motives.
KathyM Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 KathyM or anyone else, is it still your opinion that I'm not in a neutral position? I wont let it go & I think you didn't understand my motives. You are not a neutral person. You may be in denial about this, but you are going to excessive lengths to bring a romantic element into your relationship with her, when she has made it clear that she doesn't want that type of relationship with you. When you are buying her all these gifts, writing her poems, telling her you love her, etc., you are trying to romance her. It's pretty obvious to me that your desire is to have more than just a friendship with her. You need to let that go. You have to let that go. If someone doesn't want your interest, you can't force it upon them. She's made it clear that she wants you to stay away.
dasein Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 Sorry to say, but someone gave you some terribly bad advice about how to increase attraction in a woman you like and are just getting to know. Before you have some toehold in her mind emotionally, buying presents and romantic gestures is a bad idea, counterproductive even. In the future consider starting with light, flirty, fun direct physical attention. Gauge whether a girl likes you by a) is she excited to keep going out with you on dates? and b) is she responding to you physically. Everything else is noise. Avoid heavy declarations, conversations, confessions at all costs. Save all gifts, romantic gestures, etc. for WAY down the road when you are sure she is worth your time and you are also sure that you are both on the same page. Good luck. 1
PlumPrincess Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 European or American men are usually not that emotional and, well, naive. I've noticed this with men from other cultures though, like Indian men. 1
Author sypoy Posted April 11, 2012 Author Posted April 11, 2012 You are not a neutral person. You may be in denial about this, ... you are trying to romance her. It's pretty obvious to me that your desire is to have more than just a friendship with her. All those poems & texts were about friendship & I’m very emotional & that’s the reason that I never became emotionally connected to any one (even my mother). Some of it was because I was worried that they might break my heart as I am very very sensitive. I kinda hated everybody inside (not that much! & I didn’t show it in my actions. Actually I’m very niceJ) & it was the first time that I truly liked somebody. Although I told her that I love her but I also told her that my feeling for my LI were not explainable by words & words weren’t enough to describe her. I was sure that I explained my motives to her. It's about my personality. If this forum had a PM feature I would have explained more. If this is really the case, I'd feel betrayed & see that as irrespective. After all that friendship & everything I did for her (which she was OK with & enjoyed) I expected her to react differently. She could at least tell me about it so I could explain. So I didn’t even deserve a simple text message? During this period I was so worried & under a lot of stress. Maybe it was my fault because I didn't know anything about girls (And didn't see anything about it in the internet!). I just wanted a friend at the same emotional level. And again: I was sure that I explained my motives to her. Thank you very much for your responses. Also I don't see it but are you still sure about what you said? (And I emphasis that you don't know about my personality.) If not, can you give some advice because I decided to talk to her in person by any means since she doesn't respond to me any other way.
Author sypoy Posted April 11, 2012 Author Posted April 11, 2012 (edited) European or American men are usually not that emotional and, well, naive. Yes I'm very emotional (And different!) but can you explain the word naive? Do you want to know one of the reasons that makes me sad? It's that despite every thing that every woman says they are looking for someone to take care of them without taking anything in return & the most important factors in choosing their partners are the way they walk, their confidence (sometimes I think women don't know the meaning of this word), their body & some other traits that were important during the stone age for protecting them & their children. Although you can say the same about MOST men specially in US & Europe because of the media influence (looking for sexy & hot women). For me the only factor in choosing a partner is that she shouldn't look ugly! & be a little pretty because experience has shown me that it can have some effects in their life. And women are generally more beautiful than men. Edited April 11, 2012 by sypoy
thatone Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 Yes I'm very emotional (And different!) but can you explain the word naive? Do you want to know one of the reasons that makes me sad? It's that despite every thing that every woman says they are looking for someone to take care of them without taking anything in return & the most important factors in choosing their partners are the way they walk, their confidence (sometimes I think women don't know the meaning of this word), their body & some other traits that were important during the stone age for protecting them & their children. Although you can say the same about MOST men specially in US & Europe because of the media influence (looking for sexy & hot women). For me the only factor in choosing a partner is that she shouldn't look ugly! & be a little pretty because experience has shown me that it can have some effects in their life. And women are generally more beautiful than men. and to that i'll post something i've posted several times on this forum before. it is not in the nature of women to be honest.
PlumPrincess Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 and to that i'll post something i've posted several times on this forum before. it is not in the nature of women to be honest. But the poster is?
Meg717 Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 You are being way too overbearing. You are pushing her away. You are NOT helping her and I think you are missing the point KathyM is trying to make. We get that you are only trying to be a friend but the things you are doing show something completely different. We don't know you or her, we just know the information you give us, and that information is, you are crossing the friendship line into a relationship zone. Give her some space and if she needs or wants your help she will reach out to you. If she has no family or friends and you are that concerned about her, get her professional help and leave it up to them.
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