Don't want to screw this up!

[zoe1983]

Well I used to post on here a lot about my exfiance and sadly when I go back and read the posts now it is so obvious to me that we were not right for each other! Hindsight is always 20/20 though right?

 

Anyways I took some time off from dating when my relationship with him fell apart and after about a year and a half of being single I met a great guy this past December. We have so much in common and I swear its like we can read each others minds sometimes! He is caring and considerate and smart and has a good job and his life together. He is everything that I am looking for and we are very happy together.

 

The issue is that I am afraid we might be moving too fast. He told me he loved me after 3 months and I finally said it back about a week ago...so about 4 months. I wanted to make sure I was saying it for the right reasons and so I held back for a bit but finally just said it.

 

I am not even really worried about the I love you thing though..I am more worried about our living situation. We both have our own places and we live about 30 minutes apart. About a month into the relationship I started spending weekends at his place and then as we progressed I started spending 2-3 nights during the week there too. Slowly I started bringing more and more stuff over to his place (bathroom stuff, work clothes, etc.) and he kept telling me to bring whatever I wanted. He even offered me one of his draws to keep some stuff in and told me that he smiled when I wasn't there and he say my stuff still there.

 

I loved being at his place and being able to see him all the time but the going from one place to another was really stressing me out. I was always packing or unpacking and it seemed like I always managed to forget something at the wrong place. It was worth it to me though because I loved the day to day life with him. Then about a month ago he found out that he would be going on a business trip for about a week so he asked me to stay the entire week before hand so we could spend sometime together. I was fine with that and we had a great week.

 

While he was gone I cleaned his apartment for him, he is kinda a slob (so am I though lol), and so I organized stuff and hung up my clothes and stuff in the extra bedroom that he has. Since he got back i have pretty much spent every night over there.

 

Long story short...last night we were laying in bed and he says "You do realize we are pretty much living together right?". I guess I did but it just seemed like a natural progression so I didn't give it much thought. I asked him if that bothered him and he said that he loves having me at his place and coming home to me at night. He said though that he is concerned maybe we are moving too fast and that he is really scared of messing up such an awesome thing. I then offered to spend a few nights a week at my place but he said he would rather have me at his place. He did say though that a couple nights a week he wants to come home, sit on the couch, play video games and just veg. He said he likes having me at his apartment during that time but he doesn't want to hurt my feelings by kind of ignoring me. I told him that was fine, I mean i have lots of other things I can do like read or play my own game or mess around online. He seemed cool with that and it was late so we went to sleep after that.

 

I'm just not sure if I am missing something? Maybe he was trying to say he wants us to slow down or for me to get the heck out but didn't want to hurt my feelings???

[veggirl]

You are moving WAY too fast. Why doesn't he ever come to your place? I might've missed that, but I don't like that you are having to assimilate into his life (and so willing to do so) and he doesn't seem to be doing the same. So you guys hang out like, every single day? 30 minutes is NOT a big deal. Do you still hang out with friends, etc or is it just you and this guy? I think you should start spending some nights at your place....for sure....it's way too soon to be living together...I'm of the engaged or married and then move in (have lived with one ex...that's why I have this opinion now lol) but even if you aren't, it's still too soon to be playing house

[zoe1983]

Thank you for your reply. I didn't realize how long the post was till I went back and looked at it!

 

There are a couple of reasons that he doesnt come to my place too often. I basically live in my parents beach condo so pretty much every weekend they are there and its a small place. Also I have very controlled parking at the condo and cannot give him a key to my place. It is much easier to park at his placr and I have a key to his place. Also this sounds kinda silly but I don't have internet at my place and only basic cable and he is a computer nerd so he has all the bells and whistles at his place. He is also on call for work a lot and kust have internet acess. We stay at my place for a night every once in a while but its not very practical for day to day living.

 

Also just a random piece of info...we are both 28 and ready to settle down if that makes a differrence.

[Pierre]

While he was gone I cleaned his apartment for him, he is kinda a slob (so am I though lol), and so I organized stuff and hung up my clothes and stuff in the extra bedroom that he has. Since he got back i have pretty much spent every night over there.

 

Long story short...last night we were laying in bed and he says "You do realize we are pretty much living together right?". I guess I did but it just seemed like a natural progression so I didn't give it much thought. I asked him if that bothered him and he said that he loves having me at his place and coming home to me at night. He said though that he is concerned maybe we are moving too fast and that he is really scared of messing up such an awesome thing. I then offered to spend a few nights a week at my place but he said he would rather have me at his place. He did say though that a couple nights a week he wants to come home, sit on the couch, play video games and just veg. He said he likes having me at his apartment during that time but he doesn't want to hurt my feelings by kind of ignoring me. I told him that was fine, I mean i have lots of other things I can do like read or play my own game or mess around online. He seemed cool with that and it was late so we went to sleep after that.

 

I'm just not sure if I am missing something? Maybe he was trying to say he wants us to slow down or for me to get the heck out but didn't want to hurt my feelings???

Don't move in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

In fact, go back to spending a night or two on the weekends, no more!!!!!!!!

 

If he wants milk he needs to buy the cow. This guy is disrespecting you.

[veggirl]

Okay cool that makes sense about the going to him every time then. I am the same age as you, same mindset with settling down as well. But...I am now of the slow mover variety when it comes to spending all the time together If it works for you its all good, but you have reservations so why not just pull back a bit and spend a few more days at your own place doing your own thing? I'd be scared of things burning hot and fast and then fizzling just as quickly. My BF and I spend 3x a week together, we've been together 9 mos...it works for me.

Edited April 11, 2012 by veggirl

[zoe1983]

Well that's the thing...I didn't have reservations till last nights conversation. I mean we bqsically ended by saying we are both happy with the way things are but I just feel like maybe he does have reservations and was just afraid to tell me?

 

I guess I feel like I have been with enough wrong guys to know I'm with the right one now but maybe we are rushing? It seems like it would be kinda hard to go backwards from here though?

[Pierre]

Well that's the thing...I didn't have reservations till last nights conversation. I mean we bqsically ended by saying we are both happy with the way things are but I just feel like maybe he does have reservations and was just afraid to tell me?

 

I guess I feel like I have been with enough wrong guys to know I'm with the right one now but maybe we are rushing? It seems like it would be kinda hard to go backwards from here though?

 

Free cows are a blessing for most men that do not want to commit to a woman.

 

Do not be a free cow. Stay in your own place. Why is it always the woman doing all the sacrifice for the relationship. As of now he has a free cow and a free maid. Life is good for this guy but he does not realize he is hurting you.

[Oxy Moronovich]

LMAO @ referring to the OP as a cow!

[Pierre]

LMAO @ referring to the OP as a cow!

 

 

Sorry, I did not mean to be disrespectful. I am referring to the old saying of "why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?".

[zoe1983]

Thank you for taking the time to reply Pierre but I think that you and I are just on seperate pages. While i understand what you mean about getting the milk for free and I have seen many guys do exactly that, I do not think that it applies to this situation. Not only has my boyfriend been the one to do the majority of the persuing from day one but he also has brought up numerous conversations about getting married, having children, buying a house together and all that jazz. Now while I am not so niave to simply believe it will all happen just because he says it will I do feel that he is someone I can trust. I don't really see the point in being with someone if I can not trust them to do what they say.

 

And for the record....if by milk you are only referring to sex then I am pretty happy about getting lots of milk too lol

[Pierre]

Thank you for taking the time to reply Pierre but I think that you and I are just on seperate pages. While i understand what you mean about getting the milk for free and I have seen many guys do exactly that, I do not think that it applies to this situation. Not only has my boyfriend been the one to do the majority of the persuing from day one but he also has brought up numerous conversations about getting married, having children, buying a house together and all that jazz. Now while I am not so niave to simply believe it will all happen just because he says it will I do feel that he is someone I can trust. I don't really see the point in being with someone if I can not trust them to do what they say.

 

And for the record....if by milk you are only referring to sex then I am pretty happy about getting lots of milk too lol

 

Oops, now you are posting as if there is no problem. So why did you post?

 

I am not saying that sex is bad. You can have as much sex as you want, that is not the issue.

 

The main problem is moving in and pretending you are a married couple. I beg you to stay put in your own place and only visit on the weekend. Maintain your independence.

 

Let him give you a ring and a date if he wants you to be his maid once again.

[zoe1983]

Actually I said in my original post that I wasnt sure if there was a problem or not. We both said we were happy with how the relationship is progressing but I was worried that maybe I had misunderstood what he was saying or that we are setting ourselves up to fail.

 

I don't really understand what you mean by being his maid either. I mean sure I cleaned his apartment one time while he was out of town but on a day to day basis we definitely share the household chores 50/50. He actually said last night that he doesnt expect me to do the laundry or wash the dishes for him just because I am at his place. Plus he pays for at least 75% of everything we do as a couple as well as all the househould bills. If anything I feel like I am the one mooching off of him?

[Ninjainpajamas]

Well first Zoe I want to commend you for doing what many women cannot and spent a good deal of time getting over your last relationship and remaining single...instead of jumping from one guy to another while all screwed up, dumping all of your fresh emotional issues and problems on the lap of a new guy and expecting him to fix it all. You took the time to have some reflection and some repair and now I believe you're in a much better state to have a relationship than those who do not (although I haven't read your prior posts, I'm kinda new here).

 

As far as the relationship pace has been going I don't believe for two adults that this is way too fast from an overall view...as far as him saying he loves you after three months I think that's a pretty stable pace, It seems from the outside at least an appropriate time and also the fact that he's told you first, and you've told him a week later.

 

You spent a lot of time together which is normal, your living situation makes sense and why you visit him, and It at least sounds like both of you are on the same page for the potential of the future at least in theory.

 

With that being said there are few things that stand out to me that could be or lead to potential problems...

 

Traveling arrangements

 

With you making the trips to visit him and spending most of your time at his house, then you are the person putting in more of the effort. This may not indicate something necessarily bad, but you're conditioning the relationship to where you may be potential expected to reach a little farther than he is in terms of seeing each other as this is a very convenient situation for him although he cannot visit you.

 

Make sure he contributes and helps you out in some way as well, just to determine and remind him that you're the one traveling and It is a significant stress.

 

Make him come visit you sometimes, or to come pick you up and take you out somewhere to eat nearby..Its mainly the gesture because later on down the road he may come to expect that kind of effort on your part and this can kind of make him lazy about it over time.

 

A man needs space

 

Although the relationship new, with you being in his sanctuary he doesn't have a place to relax and be free to do things alone and focus on his own me time. In my experience I have noticed a lot of women don't really need and understand this kind of space, they think that a guy can just achieve the same feeling with you being around....he partially can but he's not going to "miss you" If you're just sitting over there in the next room and most women whether unintentional or not like to interrupt our tranquil mood of just having our attention completely focused on what were doing by asking us If we're ok, do we need anything...even If it's just helpful or in general it's like women always want you to know that they're there which for men can be very annoying because we like to really relax and when we do that we like to do it alone.

 

So being that he hasn't had anyone assuming recently that frequents his house so often and practically lives there, you are going to burn him out and make him feel smothered, and he's going to become a little distant or agitated with this new lifestyle.

 

So I think he's just acting you for his own personal space so that he can unwind and relax, maybe he doesn't mind you around still for the most part but you want to let him miss you...I believe that's necessary for a good relationship, so just take a few days at home doing something else, don't contact him or text him, just let him be.

Self-control/Independence

 

Make sure you have your own life and agenda, don't let it become wrapped around him and then you're just smothering him all of the time with your presence.

 

Make sure your needs are getting meet...I see all too often women make way too many changes in their lives just to accommodate men, this can give off the impression of being too clingy.

 

So try and keep your interest and have your own independent life and don't be afraid to ask questions and demand things in the relationship, don't just be the happy little puppy wondering around wagging your tail while he makes the decisions and gives all the orders, make sure you claim your own space and put your foot down or make demands when appropriate, don't just be a pushover or "yes" woman.

 

And also don't start going into his private things (drawers, area in his bedroom), I know cleaning his house or apt seemed like the nice thing to do but really don't think it's good idea organizing his things and putting his stuff away and doing all this for him. That's just too much.

 

The kitchen and bathroom, general living area and all that is ok....but that just makes a man even more feel like his world is changing a little too much too fast and now you're starting to take over...leave things the way he likes it and puts it, don't try and "improve" his life and organize it better, a man has things the way he likes for a reason and IF you're going to arrange something be sure to ask him first If it's ok, don't just go and do it....way too early for that.

 

Conclusion

 

Make sure you give him reasonable space, that's what is happens with men. They really get into you, they like spending time with you but then they set themselves up into a situation where they extended themselves too far, and now they want to pull in and get a little piece of their lives back especially in regards to personal space.

 

I don't think it necessarily says anything about his feelings or attitude towards you, I believe If you back off and let him miss you and not in his face all the time then he'll really appreciate that even If he says to come over all of the time that's it ok to hang out while he does his thing, this is another part where he's trying to say he needs his space but is coming to a compromise and that's where things can get emotional, If he can't feel like he can come up for air once in a while then he's going to feel overwhelmed by the change in his life...you both need to take a step back and make sure you're not getting sucked up into habits in a relationship and not communicating about enough things that are ok now but will bite you in the ass later on because they'll be issues and come out in negative ways.

 

Make sure to communicate more, all this time spent together and all over each other when possible doesn't let your mind work out everything going on when you're just focused and set on seeing the other person asap. Think about your relationship be wise and prevent yourself from making any of the mistakes you made with your ex, use your head.

[Pierre]

Actually I said in my original post that I wasnt sure if there was a problem or not. We both said we were happy with how the relationship is progressing but I was worried that maybe I had misunderstood what he was saying or that we are setting ourselves up to fail.

 

I don't really understand what you mean by being his maid either. I mean sure I cleaned his apartment one time while he was out of town but on a day to day basis we definitely share the household chores 50/50. He actually said last night that he doesnt expect me to do the laundry or wash the dishes for him just because I am at his place. Plus he pays for at least 75% of everything we do as a couple as well as all the househould bills. If anything I feel like I am the one mooching off of him?

 

 

OK, rationalize as much as you want.

 

The relationship seems fine. I don't mind my GF picking up after me when she visits.

 

However, I beg you not to move in permanently. Do not play married couple unless you are married. Otherwise, enjoy life!

[zoe1983]

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful reply. It has given me a lot to think about and I really appreciate getting a male point of view. I do have a question for you though. How do men that are married get their personal time? I actually think that I am one of those rare females that also makes personal time a priority. I guess I feel like I am getting enough of it because of his travel for business and also because I get home from work almost two hours before him so I have plenty of time to chill and unwind. I can see where he might feel like he is not getting enough but I guess its kind of confusing because the few times I have spent the night at my own place he has talked about how much he misses me and actually seems a bit hurt about it.

 

Seriously though....thank you so much for your reply! I really appreciate you taking the time!

[zoe1983]

Pierre, I am not trying to be difficult or intentionally trying to rationalize the situation. I guess I just don't really understand what you are saying. Do you think that if I move in too soon and act like a married couple that he will never actually ask me to marry him?

[Pierre]

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful reply. It has given me a lot to think about and I really appreciate getting a male point of view. I do have a question for you though. How do men that are married get their personal time? I actually think that I am one of those rare females that also makes personal time a priority. I guess I feel like I am getting enough of it because of his travel for business and also because I get home from work almost two hours before him so I have plenty of time to chill and unwind. I can see where he might feel like he is not getting enough but I guess its kind of confusing because the few times I have spent the night at my own place he has talked about how much he misses me and actually seems a bit hurt about it.

 

Seriously though....thank you so much for your reply! I really appreciate you taking the time!

 

 

I was once married for 20 years. After a while long term couples settle into a routine of having personal time and together time. The personal time is difficult in a small apartment. If you have a house with a basement and different rooms then it is easy. However, I never thought about having personal time, it just happened spontaneously.

 

Just let things flow and enjoy. However, do not move in and pretend you are a married couple. KEEP YOUR INDEPENDENCE!!!

[veggirl]

Pierre, I am not trying to be difficult or intentionally trying to rationalize the situation. I guess I just don't really understand what you are saying. Do you think that if I move in too soon and act like a married couple that he will never actually ask me to marry him?

 

It's possible. No one can say for sure, obviously, but realistically playing wifey is probably going to push that back. I mean why wouldn't it? And do you want to move in and act like a married couple if you AREN'T a married couple? I think it's a VERY bad idea to start acting like you are that couple when you aren't yet. If you aren't ready to be married to him, you shouldn't be playing the part of his wife. You're his girlfriend, Pierre is right you need to keep a certain amount of independence. Again, do you hang out with your own friends etc or is everything around his social life?

[Ninjainpajamas]

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful reply. It has given me a lot to think about and I really appreciate getting a male point of view. I do have a question for you though. How do men that are married get their personal time? I actually think that I am one of those rare females that also makes personal time a priority. I guess I feel like I am getting enough of it because of his travel for business and also because I get home from work almost two hours before him so I have plenty of time to chill and unwind. I can see where he might feel like he is not getting enough but I guess its kind of confusing because the few times I have spent the night at my own place he has talked about how much he misses me and actually seems a bit hurt about it.

 

Seriously though....thank you so much for your reply! I really appreciate you taking the time!

 

To answer your question on; How do men that are married get their personal time?

 

From the married men I've talked to, known, and met, observed - young and old throughout my life most seem pretty stressed and/or almost overwhelmed with responsibility...such as raising their kids, swamped with bills and work, work, work. At least until the kids grow up and are out of the house, then you just veg with your wife at that point.

 

But in the middle point I think personal time is definitely taking a back seat and for the most part they do not get it other than being at work or not coming home, however If possible you'll see them have a man cave or what not If they're lucky, a place where they can work out in the garage or do something they're interested in like a hobby.

 

Unless they're like a super family oriented or religious guy, or one of those obsessive guys that makes you take down your facebook and checks your phone..the average man will become stressed without some personal space.

 

Let's say you were to get married, living together and you're just in the beginning of the relationship before you're necessarily living the "American Dream" or what not and don't have much responsibility but yourselves...the only time he'd be able to get his "old" privacy time where he's just to himself is when you are gone on a trip or away from the house and he gets alone time.

 

Business trips don't count necessarily as guy time (until later on when it's the best it gets) because he's at work and not in the comfort of his own home..and guys attach to their stuff, they like their own things and to have things set up a certain way...once a woman comes in she starts changing all of that around and making it more "efficient" in her eyes. Guys like to have their things where they want them for the most part, not organized to someone else taste.

 

But keep in mind that a man does become accustomed to being around you and sharing the space, It doesn't mean that he doesn't need or want his alone time...sometimes it's just a quiet house, or what we want on tv, or knowing that you're not around and we can really unwind...ya know, lay a few dirty farts on the couch in our boxers and socks while masturbating to some porn and eating some Ritz crackers with that addictive stupid cheese spread in a can...you know, that kinda stuff! (sexy yes?)

 

But really, just communicate with him and just be honest and open with each other...most guys don't know how to articulate themselves well or say things in the way that you won't get hurt or offended so usually guys try to something that feels safe or won't say anything at all...Ask him questions though like;

 

- How many days do you want to spend together during the week?

 

- How much time/days does it usually take for you to relax and unwind before seeing each other?

 

- What are the kinds of things you find very relaxing?

 

- Would you like some Ritz crackers with the spray can cheese?

 

Just find out where his threshold is, kind of get an idea of what he needs...and ask him to be honest and don't say anything, just say ok and then try to accommodate that...however! you should also communicate what you need/want, relationships are about compromise after all.

 

If you guys can get through to each other, be really honest and open and manage things that are important to each other, like personal time/space, and give each other your needs and maybe not always your wants...then you can really avoid a lot of problems that people have in their relationships that are too afraid to ask or don't communicate...communication and compromise is the magic key to avoiding potential disasters and this could be a potential issue at least If you don't address it.

 

My personal time/space usually goes;

 

- Spend 3 days, then I need about one to two days personal time (roughly, this is not set in stone) then I can spend another 3 to 4 days then another break is nice...personally it gives me a time to reflect and not feel pressed.

 

- I'm someone who can spend a lot of time with my partner and typically enjoy it, so spending the night all the time and/or being there the whole day is fine w me as long as I get my breaks...although If it's just too much then i start to crack at the seams and I become irritable even though I don't want to.

 

- I really appreciate when a woman respects my privacy and doesn't go through my belongings and private areas (drawers, any kind of paperwork, boxes in my closets, my mail/bills or whatever) not because I don't trust you but because I feel like It's a bit intrusive early on

 

Let him miss you, he won't die...he'll just appreciate the time he has with you and make the most of it. It can be a very teeter-totter type affect If you hang on every word as men typically overestimate the level of attention they want or realize it's too much and then pull away in the same hour, so just try and keep to a system at least to make sure he's missing you and valuing your time together, and giving him his space so he doesn't feel overwhelmed like this is just way too much.

Edited April 11, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas