hellodearest Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 So, after breaking up, and NC for a while, my ex and I started hanging out. We originally broke up because she didn't feel "romantic" love for me, rather, she felt like she had more "companion" love. I'm her first relationship, and she's never felt "romantic" love for anyone. We get along great, though she feels like after more than a year of dating, she feels like we might have more of a friendship than a romantic relationship. She's admitted to being very confused. Immediately after the breakup, there was a guy from our hometown (8 hours away) that visited here with some mutual friends. He hit on my ex, and kissed her on the cheek, but she pushed him off and nothing else happened. During our time of NC however, she was intrigued by the prospect of something new and they've been talking a lot, though they haven't hung out again since he's back at our hometown. At the end of the month she is going home for a wedding and they are planning on hanging out. While my ex and this guy have been talking, she was calling me to hang out and saying that she missed me, and sending me texts and facebook messages throughout the day. I had no idea the other guy and her had been talking. Last night, she asked me to come over, and I had this overwhelming feeling something was off, and ended up snooping her phone. That's how I know they've been talking. I came clean and told her I regretted snooping her phone but I wanted to know what was going on. I ended up setting an ultimatum that she couldn't have us both, and that was unfair, and that she had to make a decision - either 1. stop talking to him, and she's with me, or 2. her and I stop talking for a long long while, so she can figure herself out and have a chance with this guy (a year? months?). I didn't promise reconciliation afterwards, but I told her my dream was for her to realize what we had at some point so that she would no longer have small nagging doubts about our relationship. She was in tears the whole time. She immediately said she wanted to choose me, she didn't want to throw things away, and that she would stop talking to him. After she said that, I hugged her for awhile, and then, after a few minutes, she changed her mind, and said that she really doesn't want to hurt me, but needs space to figure herself out. Part of the space she needed she said was to be with someone else to see if she felt differently with another person. She pretty much said after that she wished that she could go through a relationship with someone else and find out about herself so that when she came back to me, she wouldn't have doubts and that we would end up together forever. What the hell is going on? I'm so heartbroken. I've told her that after this decision that I cannot talk to her, for months or years. She kept saying that we'll find our way back to one another, and I told her that probably wasn't realistic though I hoped for that too. I told her she's throwing us away and she insisted that it's not that and she thinks this might be the best for us in the long run. First, I was wondering if anyone has been in her shoes? I need more insight into what she's thinking. Second, how the hell do I cope? I've blocked her on facebook, don't plan on taking any of her calls, but all this is so fresh and visceral I can barely function.
Nohbody Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 You are doing all the right things. Just think of her as a monster that is now living in your ex's skin. That's kind of helped me
Chi townD Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 Go completely NC on her. Keep her blocked on FB. Do NOT answer any of her texts, e-mails or voicemails. Post here instead. Do NOT text, e-mail or call her. Post here instead. Remember, her choice was another guy...not you. That's something that she has to live with, not you. 2
flitzanu Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 yup. there's really no reading between the lines or trying to interpret. she chose the other guy. "i need space" = "i want to f&^( someone else" 1
Author hellodearest Posted April 11, 2012 Author Posted April 11, 2012 I am thinking about sending her a text today just agreeing with the break up, and to let her know although I took her off facebook, I harbor no ill feelings. This is the text I'm thinking about sending her. E---, I know I spent a long time fighting for you yesterday. I knew then, and know now that in order for you to find yourself, this space is necessary. I blocked you on facebook because I know that seeing each other will be painful. Take care.
gibson Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 I am thinking about sending her a text today just agreeing with the break up, and to let her know although I took her off facebook, I harbor no ill feelings. This is the text I'm thinking about sending her. E---, I know I spent a long time fighting for you yesterday. I knew then, and know now that in order for you to find yourself, this space is necessary. I blocked you on facebook because I know that seeing each other will be painful. Take care. You want to tell her you are a chump and reinforce her decision that she picked the right guy? Why you are at it, get her and her new man a gift card at a nice restaurant and send that too. You do not need to say a thing... Goodbye, says it all! 4
Author hellodearest Posted April 11, 2012 Author Posted April 11, 2012 ****, you're right. i almost sent it already too. glad i havent.
Trimmer Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 Whew, that was close! You already told her exactly what she needed to know, and exactly what the outcome would be. Now it's happening. Everybody should be clear what's going on. I think it's also good that you didn't promise her you'd be waiting for her. (I hope you didn't imply it with any strength either...) The best thing for you is to go live your life like you're moving forward without her. As you process all of this, you may find that this is your preference anyway. And if - IF - you guys do find your way back to each other, you will be a much better partner if you have been spending your time moving forward and living each new day, instead of waiting around to return to where you left off. It's going to be really hard at first, but it will serve you best to assume that she's gone, and start living for you.
Author hellodearest Posted April 11, 2012 Author Posted April 11, 2012 Trimmer, thank you. You're absolutely right. It's hard though, just looking at the long trek ahead of me is crippling. I have no motivation for med school at the moment which is terrible. I do wonder though, let's say she calls me within the month, whether or not she's been with the other guy or not - if she calls and says she wants me back, what do I do? I mean, I want to work it out, but in reality, I know she's not going to figure herself out unless she DOES have a lot of time on her own.
Author hellodearest Posted April 12, 2012 Author Posted April 12, 2012 was blocking her on facebook drastic/childish?
xxSRMxx Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 was blocking her on facebook drastic/childish? My ex actually deactivated his fb.....because he knew it would be v hard for me to see him on it etc...I told him if he wanted to activate it then to delete me. He said ''im not childish i dont want to delete you'' I dont think you are childish at all, your sparing yourself more pain.
Trimmer Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 (edited) was blocking her on facebook drastic/childish? That would be an important question - if you were looking backwards, and wondering what she thinks of you, and what is happening with her. As it is, you are looking forward, and based on how you need your life organized in the coming months, it doesn't make sense to have her in your friends list, so I think it's a sensible thing to clean her out. It doesn't matter how it looks from the outside, but even if it did, I would say, "No", you're very simply carrying out what you chose to do, in keeping with the path you are on now. It's not childish or drastic, or offensive, or anything. It's the path you've chosen. I don't mean to minimize your difficulty at doing this - I fully empathize that it will be very hard. I'm just trying to encourage you to keep your eyes forward, think about what is in front of you, and don't get dragged back by what is now behind you. Commit! You hear about actors "committing" to a role or a character... they dive in to become the character, not looking back, fully inhabiting the life of the character, not worrying about how it looks to the audience or the other actors. They become it, and then they move forward into the role, and the rest just happens as it should. Commit to keeping the shift lever of your life in the "Forward" position. Don't be watching your rear-view mirror to see if "she" likes where you're driving. You decide and then go there. If it happens, it happens, but I'd almost rather tell you that it probably won't, because I really advise you not to structure your life, expend any of your energies - or most tragically, waste any time or squander any opportunities - in anticipation or expectation of meeting back up with her again. As far as what happens if she calls you back "too early...." You really think she needs more time to "figure herself out"? Then set a boundary, and stick to it. Otherwise, what do you see happening? If she doesn't spend enough time to grow out of whatever she's in, won't the cycle just play out again? Can you afford the emotional energy to go through it again somewhere down the road? Edited April 12, 2012 by Trimmer 1
Author hellodearest Posted April 12, 2012 Author Posted April 12, 2012 Trimmer. This is so insightful and accurate, thank you. It's motivational to hear your thoughts parallel mine and you're certainly asking the right questions. I don't have answers for if she comes back "too early" though I'll definitely have to think on them. The most important part is that if her and I were to date, she can not have any nagging doubts if she is making the right decision. I have a feeling she'll call me within a month or two, though I won't know what she'll have to say. Yes, right now, I'm going to commit to bettering myself and to pull my life back together. I've made peace with the fact that we won't be speaking/seeing each other for awhile, though it sucks because every time my phone rings my heart jumps. At least I don't do that when it's facebook messages anymore! I'll keep you guys updated on how I'm doing and of any new developments. Tomorrow, day 2.
coffeeaddict Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 You have to move on with your life and your own routine, toughest thing to do, but the only way out is through. The whole "I want you for later" thing is for her benefit. It's another way of saying she wants you on the backburner in case this current relationship doesn't work out. You don't dump one man for another man in order to get closer to the first man. Your task is to take yourself off the backburner and take control of your life, reassert your own independence and your own masculinity, not in an angry/mean way but in a confident/forceful way. Any contact with her of any type is counterproductive and will push her away, because the real message it sends is that you're needy and dependent, and that you're still there waiting for her to come back. To put it bluntly, it's not masculine. She's removed you from her life on her terms, you need to remove her from your life on your terms. As time passes you'll probably start getting little messages from her to feel you out, if you're still there, are you okay, she loves you, so on and so forth. You should ignore those or give the minimum reply. In short, move on with your life and move through the pain. Either she comes back to you of her own volition in which case you have a decision to make, or she doesn't come back in which case you'll be stronger for having moved on. Best of luck to you. 1
Author hellodearest Posted April 12, 2012 Author Posted April 12, 2012 I definitely needed to hear that "You don't dump one man for another man in order to get closer to the first man." So true. This is exactly what I need. I need my hope of reconciliation to leave so that I can stop dwelling. This is day 2 and I hope that it's better.
Author hellodearest Posted April 12, 2012 Author Posted April 12, 2012 Wow. She drove an hour and a half (to and from) her place to come slip a note under my door. It goes like this. D---, "The most important thing is to not let yourself get impatient... Even if things are so tangled up you can't do anything, don't get desperate or blow a fuse and start yanking on one particular thread before it's ready to come undone. You have to figure it's going to be a long process and that you'll work on things slowly, one at a time. Do you think you can do that? Waiting is hard. Especially for someone your age. You just sit and wait for her to get better. Without deadlines or guarantees. Do you think you can do that? Do you love her that much?" -Murakami I'm sorry I hurt you. Please don't give up on me. I love you. E--- Why. This note just makes me angry. She's asking me to wait on her? WHAT? The note had the opposite effect I think she intended. I'm more resolved not to talk to her for a very long time.
Jarrod18 Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Honestly what the hell does she expect? Whats the best situation that could come from this message? Thanks yeah ofcourse I will wait why you try desperatly to get in some other guys pants and move on from me, while I wait here twiddling my thumbs thinking about you and our potential future together?F*ck that sh*t Your right, it would have the opposite effect on me aswell, You gave her a chance. Its time to move on. Mabye one day in the future you and her could be something(distant future).When youve concentrated on yourself and your life, gotten your life into order and she has aswell. But thats not going to happen if you were to sit there spineless waiting on an ex who doesn't want you right now so she can go and test the waters with 1 if not more guys.Honestly?F*ck that Sh*t. Time to concentrate on yourself now. Drop her, shes had her chance..
Author hellodearest Posted April 12, 2012 Author Posted April 12, 2012 (edited) The more I think about this, the more angry I am. I never had anger for her during the whole breakup until now. This is ridiculous! There is a difference between love and blind devotion, and it seems like she's expecting the latter out of me. There is very little chance of me doing this, but I what I WANT to do is take her letter, and write over her writing in sharpie "There is a difference between love and blind devotion. Only one of them is inexhaustible. One of us had loved the other more perfectly, had watched the other more closely, and one of us listened and the other hadn't, and one of us held on to the ambition of the one idea far longer than was reasonable, whereas the other, passing a garbage can one night, had casually thrown it away." Edited April 12, 2012 by hellodearest
Trimmer Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 (edited) Wow. She drove an hour and a half (to and from) her place to come slip a note under my door. It goes like this. D---, "The most important thing is to not let yourself get impatient... Even if things are so tangled up you can't do anything, don't get desperate or blow a fuse and start yanking on one particular thread before it's ready to come undone. You have to figure it's going to be a long process and that you'll work on things slowly, one at a time. Do you think you can do that? Waiting is hard. Especially for someone your age. You just sit and wait for her to get better. Without deadlines or guarantees. Do you think you can do that? Do you love her that much?" -Murakami I'm sorry I hurt you. Please don't give up on me. I love you. E--- Why. This note just makes me angry. She's asking me to wait on her? WHAT? The note had the opposite effect I think she intended. I'm more resolved not to talk to her for a very long time. Well, I'm not glad that you're upset, but I think it's good that this was your reaction, instead of the puppy dog response, reassured and wagging your tail, waiting for your master to come home at the end of the day. And I know she was trying to be all eloquent by quoting someone else's words, but I think she missed a bunch of metaphors there. She's the one who undid the threads that cut everything loose, and yet she's advising you to wait and not pull the strings so things won't come apart? Wait... what? And the "...long process... work on things slowly, one at a time..."? What's that? What she is doing is not "working on things" - as far as your relationship is concerned, anyway. So now you know - she wants to go be free of you, to go try life out without you, while you wait and "don't give up on her." Uh, yeah. Also, let me put some context around that quotation: Reiko, the character that speaks the quoted advice to Toru, is speaking of him "waiting" for Naoko because she has gone unstable, partly as a result of the suicide of her soulmate. However, Reiko later advises him that he should pursue a relationship with another woman in whom he has shown interest, Midori, because he needs to seize the chance for happiness and see how it might turn out. So kind of a mixed message here... I'm going to go with: she's a little unstable right now, you need to move forward to see how you can be happy in your own life, and be ready to seize opportunities when they present themselves. And besides, if your Ex is casting herself in the role of the tragic character Naoko, it's important to note that Naoko went nuts as a result of external factors she didn't control - your Ex chose, with her reasoning capabilities fully intact - to push out on her own... Edited April 12, 2012 by Trimmer 1
Author hellodearest Posted April 12, 2012 Author Posted April 12, 2012 Although there isn't hope that I'll get a reaction, it sends this message to her before she ends up sleeping with that guy: I am not waiting for her to stick around and her doing that is NOT ok with me. What do you guys think?
Author hellodearest Posted April 12, 2012 Author Posted April 12, 2012 Trimmer, thank you for the context, I haven't read that book, though she's told me a little about it. What do you think of my response? I feel like it shows my anger and that I do not accept her proposition. Does it warrant a response? Whether or not we end up back together, I want her to know I am NOT ok with how things are ending.
wilsonx Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 (edited) She's telling you, you're the one, let me go out and have fun so i dont cheat on you and breqk up with you 10 years down the road when we have kids and are married. You don't know what love is as a lot of people on the forum. Shes way ahead of the game. Why don't you go out have fun, sleep with others, sow your own oats, rebound yourself so you dont regret it later in life. She's doing you a favor most exs don't have the courage to do, you should respect her for her decision. You do have the right to be hurt and feel the way you do. Don't build up resentment towards her and her actions, they are one of someone that loves and cares about you. Contrary to some bitter people on the forum, she's not a monster Edited April 12, 2012 by wilsonx 2
Author hellodearest Posted April 12, 2012 Author Posted April 12, 2012 Wow - prior to reading your response wilson, I had worked myself into a frenzy and had already formulated a letter to send her. Maybe you're right - but if she's telling me I'm the one, why is she doing what she's doing? I've spend hours on your threads Wilsonx, I respect your thinking, and I'm inclined to trust your wisdom.
coffeeaddict Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 (edited) It's good, you're making it clear that you're not okay with your girl sleeping with other men, and that you're not going to be waiting on the backburner for her to sleep around and then waltz back into your life at her leisure. And that if she leaves you, the consequence is you're going to move on with your own life. Perfectly reasonable, that doesn't represent bitterness or meanness on your part. You're simply being honest with her, laying out the terms, you're taking control of your end of the situation. That's all you can be expected to do, and there's not much more to say after that. I mean, leaving someone for someone else is one thing. But telling the person you're leaving that they should put their life on hold for you to come back, that's a new level of chutzpah. If you're comfortable with your girlfriend sleeping around, sexually experimenting, and then (possibly) coming back to you at a later time once she's finished getting her rox off with other men, then go for it. I'm assuming though that you wouldn't be comfortable with that, but it all comes back to a lifestyle choice. The premise here is that your girlfriend is embracing a promiscuous lifestyle, because she wants to be monogamous with you. And she needs to be promiscuous now, in order to be monogamous with you later. I'd take that with a grain of salt. If she's ditching you now, then she's fully capable of doing the same thing to you again at a later date. It comes back to a simple principle/point of logic; you can't become something by embracing it's polar opposite. Imagine if you said to your girlfriend, "I'm going to sleep with this other woman now, so that I can be more faithful to you later, and if you truly love me, then you'll wait patiently for me to come back." lol. That's kind of like, "I'm going to lie now, so that I can be honest later." That's basically the logic that runs our political system, and you can see how well that works. "You're the one, therefore I'm leaving you to sleep with another man." Think about that objectively. Edited April 12, 2012 by coffeeaddict
Author hellodearest Posted April 12, 2012 Author Posted April 12, 2012 Here's the thing: I AM ok with that (sleeping with someone else). So is she. But only to a certain extent. I am NOT ok with doing everything on her terms, but I really don't have a choice if I really love her. I hate that I'm on the backburner, but what do I do if I want her back? Even I've been dating etc, when she comes back, honestly if I'm not in something serious, I'd probably drop what I was doing for her. We're broken up, she can do what she wants. I'm hurt a LOT more from the emotional cheating - since she said she hasn't ever felt "romantic" love for me, she's trying to see if she feels "romantic" love for another, and to make sure the in my absence, she wants me back. I would MUCH rather, however, that we break up, and then she takes time to herself without another guy to see how she feels, and if she meets someone later, that's fine. I hate that she's going from me directly to another guy, her feelings of loneliness will be relieved by him, which isn't a fair judge of her feelings for me. In all fairness, it's not about being promiscuous. Honestly, our sex life is something that never waned or lacked in our relationship. Even on SSRI's we often had sex two times a day, and that's a year into the relationship. And no, it didn't get routine. She has said she's never felt instantly sexually attracted to another person. That it's always emotional and built up before she acts on the feeling. I guess, currently, my stance is no response to the letter, and continue my life.
Recommended Posts