cerisenightshade Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 I have never felt so devastated. I am certain everyone (including myself) here in LS have read the above phrase several times already in various posts. Here's the story in a nutshell. I started having problems with the relationship. The original Ty I knew was kind, loving, caring, and etc. He was super optimistic and the one who held the torch. He has mention in the beginning that he is a bit of a workaholic. His dad is one too.... resulted in his mom's cheating and divorce. Anyhow, he mentioned he doesn't want to follow their paths. Of the late, he has evolved into a full workaholic. He out right told me that the "life of a scientist" means great sacrifices... including relationships. He is fixated on getting to Harvard... hence he is constantly stress. I discuss it with him. It ended up with him declaring a 2 week break from the relationship. Initially he declared a break up. I asked him to reconsider. Does he want to break up on a day when he is highly stressed and etc. He thought about it and agreed. He suggested that we remain in a relationship for an additional two weeks. We will have a talk in two week's time. Day 2 in the two weeks (yesterday). I told him that I already made my decision. Unless I can have the my former Ty back (the one who actually cared for me and etc) the relationship is over. I cannot and will not be a man's pet... even if the man was someone I have started to fall in love with. Now we started NC. Actually, I told him that I wish to go into no contact. Mind you, throughout all of this we are civil and aim to be friends in the future. While we both remove our relationship status on FB/ change profile pictures, we kept our old pictures and posts. We are planning to meet up in two weeks to return each other's stuff as friends. My Questions: Is there any chance in the two weeks of NC, he will realize that he does still care for me and want me back?Will the former boyfriend ever resurface? (He told me that at one point that version of himself did indeed exist but reality came knocking. He couldn't balance career and relationship. He had to select career)How well will friendship work?Should I keep up my hopes that there is a chance I may have back the man I fell in love with or is he gone forever?Who was the dumper? It feels like even though I made the final decision... I am the dumpee.
Philosoraptor Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 Is there any chance in the two weeks of NC, he will realize that he does still care for me and want me back? Maybe, but you know where his priorities are. Unless he makes changes, it will only be a temporary fix until this happens again. Will the former boyfriend ever resurface? (He told me that at one point that version of himself did indeed exist but reality came knocking. He couldn't balance career and relationship. He had to select career) Maybe one day when he gets to the point in life he is aiming for, but that's not to worry about right now. How well will friendship work? It won't right now. A friendship can only work when neither person has any feelings deeper than a friendship. Should I keep up my hopes that there is a chance I may have back the man I fell in love with or is he gone forever? Should you stay hopeful? I wouldn't. Not to say that it's impossible; but hope is like salting a wound when it comes to the end of a relationship. Just focus on yourself and don't worry what is going on with him. Who was the dumper? It feels like even though I made the final decision... I am the dumpee. Why does it matter? The relationship as it stands is making neither of you happy. He wants to focus on his education and career and you want more than he is willing to give you. If neither person is happy then it doesn't matter who ended something that needed to end.
Author cerisenightshade Posted April 11, 2012 Author Posted April 11, 2012 Thanks for the response. You mention that it won't work unless he is willing to change. I guess I am trying to ask good prediction of the future ( a bit of an oxymoron).... is it possible for him to change in two weeks? Will he attempt to make it work again? I am not hoping he will change over night. I am merely hoping (despite all) that his desire will spark and he want to TRY to change.
Philosoraptor Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 Will he suddenly change in two weeks? No. Will he decide that the relationship needs more than he is giving it? That's a possibility, but it would need to be followed by action. The thing is he already told you that you were something that he would be willing to sacrifice for his education and career. There is nothing wrong with him valuing such things more than a relationship, and he was honest with you.
Mr Scorpio Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 Given how high he is aiming in going to Harvard, I rather doubt his overall attitude is going to change. If he gets accepted, he will have to work even harder given the competition he'll be facing. If he doesn't get accepted he'll probably be so disappointed in himself that he'll increase his workload as compensation.
Author cerisenightshade Posted April 11, 2012 Author Posted April 11, 2012 Given how high he is aiming in going to Harvard, I rather doubt his overall attitude is going to change. If he gets accepted, he will have to work even harder given the competition he'll be facing. If he doesn't get accepted he'll probably be so disappointed in himself that he'll increase his workload as compensation. Are you saying the relationship is doomed either way? Regardless of whether he gets to Harvard he will remain a workaholic? What happen to the original Ty I met? Can a person really give up that easily (especially after stating that at one point he truly believed it would work out and really wanted to avoid becoming a workaholic)?
Philosoraptor Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 Are you saying the relationship is doomed either way? Regardless of whether he gets to Harvard he will remain a workaholic? What happen to the original Ty I met? Can a person really give up that easily (especially after stating that at one point he truly believed it would work out and really wanted to avoid becoming a workaholic)? What happens in this situation is his choice. Whether or not he gets into anything doesn't mean that he couldn't find time for a relationship if it was what he wanted to focus on. Understand that everything a person does, that isn't forced, is a choice. Right now he is choosing to work on his future and letting the relationship slip. He is doing what he feels is best for him and his future. If right now a well connected relationship is your focus, then you are best to find someone that your priorities match up with.
danny1234 Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 Hi, I am sorry to hear of your situation. I have been through something similar recently which was very painful. My ex was also a workaholic, but did not seem to be as much at the start of the relationship. What you are seeing now is his true personality, it sounds like he is addicted to work. Probably, when the relationship started it 'distracted' him from work some what and he channelled some of that energy into you. There are some very negative effects of going out with a workaholic. You are probably better to move on. It may be 'what some people want' out of a relationship, however, marriages with workaholics have much higher divorce rates. If you are having these problems now, its probably not going to work out and you would be better moving on. Here is a good article:- Absolute Discretion | Workaholics Good luck with it.
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