Is He Playing Hard to Get?

[LonelyIsland]

So I'm currently living in Korea, and I have 4 months left. There's this guy that I like and I think likes me also that's living here. He's also leaving Korea in 4 months. We're both teachers here. I first met him after a couple of weeks of being in Korea through a mutual friend. He's tried to hang out with me before, but that mutual friend had a crush on him, so I never accepted his invitation to hang out. However, a month ago, he and I bummed into each other at a local bar and we hung out and talked. He walked me to get a cab and we spontaneously kissed each other goodbye. After I came home, and this is around 4 am, he sent me a text thanking me for the goodnight kiss and said that he enjoyed chatting with me and hoped to hang out again with me soon. So for our first three dates, he was very proactive and asking me to hang out and letting me know he enjoyed our date. On the third date, I cooked him dinner and we watched a movie and made out. In the middle of making out, I told him I actually like him and wanted to take things slow. He complied. He spent the night, we just slept, nothing happened. Then morning came. We made out and one thing led to another, we had sex. After sex, we talked for a bit, he made sure that he didn't push me into having sex with him, and I assured him it was partially my fault. (I will take the blame for that one). Before he left, he grabbed me and gave me a long kiss and said that we needed to hang out the coming week to catch up. Well, after that, we only chatted a bit over texts to see how each other's weekend went. And usually he would ask me out at this point but didn't. Then we didn't talk to each other for a few days, then he texted to ask how my week was going. I figured since he was the one that always asked me out, I took charge this time and asked him for coffee. Coffee went good, then he asked for to go to lunch. He was supposed to meet up with our mutual friend (the girl that liked him months ago) to help her with some computer stuff, but he was late to it because of me. She doesn't know that we're spending time together. We both are keeping it from her for the moment. After lunch, before I took off, he asked me when we were hanging out in the coming week. I was just taken by surprise so I replied, "I don't know. Call me when you get back." (He had a game last weekend). So, he said sometime this week. Well, I messaged him on Sunday to see how his games went. He texted a response back within a minute. We exchanged a couple more texts and I asked him how he was feeling (because he said he felt some sickness coming on). And he said he wasn't all better. So the last thing I said was, "Hope you feel better soon so we can hang out :)". Haven't heard from him since. I feel think he likes me, but I don't know if he's playing games or just not interested.

 

Can someone help me with this situation? I genuinely like this guy and he's different then all the other guys I've dated before--mentally and physically. I wouldn't have considered dating him before, because he's super skinny and I've never dated skinny guys before, but with him I don't think about it...much. I look past that. And for me, it's a big step to take to go outside my comfort zone. And another thing, I know we probably won't have a long term relationship considering we both will go back to our own country in 4 months, but I enjoy his company and I'll take whatever comes my way.

 

Any help is appreciated. Thank you!

[Pierre]

Sex too soon syndrome.

 

I am sorry.

 

I hope you learned something.

[Pierre]

Sorry, I was in a rush before.

 

There are several women in the board that will not sleep with a guy until they are formal GF/BF. These women generally do not get burned by the disappearing act.

 

OTOH, women that have sex too soon are often victims of the disappearing act.

 

Here are two testimonies from another thread:

 

Honestly, the reason I don't have sex (I refuse to use the words "Get it in" -- what are we talking about here, a Jersey Shore re-run?) with men early on is because, most of the time, it's just not the most important thing. Why? Because there's more than enough time to get to know each other sexually later on. When I first meet a guy, I want to know more about his personality, and if we seem compatible enough as two people. So far this has worked out wonderfully for me, as usually if I don't seem to get along well enough with a man outside of the sack, odds are I won't be that into him in the sack either...

 

So, in my experience, it's not because I don't want the men to lose interest too quickly, or because I like "holding out" for the hell of it. I also find that the sex tends to be much more rewarding when you give the tension and the mystery time to actually build up. Unfortunately, it seems like the words 'mystery' or 'patience' are getting more and more lost on this generation every day, especially when it comes to dating.

 

I just don't look at sex the same way as most of the men that Ive met.

Do I like sex? Yes. Do I feel that I need it? No. At least not sex for its own sake. I only feel the need for it and want it as part of a loving relationship. Otherwise its meaningless to me.

Even if Im sexually attracted to a man, I do not want to just "get it in". I want to get to know him. I want to know that he wants to get to know me. If he's interested in me, he'll stay around even if we dont have sex right away and if he doesnt stick around, I'll know that it was all he was after and I'll be grateful that I didn't sleep with him.

I'll conclude by putting it this way...Of all the guys that I've met that I didn't have sex with, not one time have I regretted that decision.

 

Edited April 11, 2012 by Pierre

[LonelyIsland]

He responses to my texts, and when we hang out, he would try to set up the next date. But, just doesn't take the initiative anymore. When we talk, he would talk about the future, like cooking for me.

 

I don't know if this would make any difference, but when I said sex, I should've said kinda had sex. He pulled a one-minute man.

[Oxy Moronovich]

Sorry, I was in a rush before.

 

There are several women in the board that will not sleep with a guy until they are formal GF/BF. These women generally do not get burned by the disappearing act.

 

OTOH, women that have sex too soon are often victims of the disappearing act.

 

Hate to break it to you, but many of those women who will not have sex with a guy until BF/GF aren't in any relationships. They are inexperienced with men.

[Pierre]

He responses to my texts, and when we hang out, he would try to set up the next date. But, just doesn't take the initiative anymore. When we talk, he would talk about the future, like cooking for me.

 

I don't know if this would make any difference, but when I said sex, I should've said kinda had sex. He pulled a one-minute man.

 

He was stressed about having sex with a woman he hardly knows. This is such a repetitive story on the board. Listen to the women that don't put out until they are in a secure environment.

 

His poor performance is the due to the lack of intimacy and trust. Now he is ashamed of his one minute pathetic performance and will do the disappearing act.

[veggirl]

Talking about the future means nothing, don't EVER fall for that kinda sweet talk early on. All guys lay that on girls, and girls eat it up.

 

It's a bit troubling that you decided you wanted to take it slow and then had sex like 12 hrs later. He may feel he got what he wanted...I would not initiate any more contact with this guy, let him come to you, don't chase him. When contact / dates dwindle after first time sex, it's not a good sign.

[Emilia]

He responses to my texts, and when we hang out, he would try to set up the next date. But, just doesn't take the initiative anymore. When we talk, he would talk about the future, like cooking for me.

 

He is lazy. The real danger of moving too fast is that people get comfortable too fast. You lose the romance.

 

I don't know if this would make any difference, but when I said sex, I should've said kinda had sex. He pulled a one-minute man.

 

 

Sincere condolences. It appears he isn't worth the trouble.

[Emilia]

Hate to break it to you, but many of those women who will not have sex with a guy until BF/GF aren't in any relationships. They are inexperienced with men.

 

Yes I agree with this.

 

it's not the 'sleeping together too soon' part, it's the 'picking the right guy' part

[LonelyIsland]

So I haven't spoken to him in a few days, and last night in texted me asking about my week and stated that he might be getting over his sickness. I didn't respond to him until this morning. We exchanged a few texts, he asked me about my weekend plans. I just briefly told him what I might end up doing and asked for some info about the bar event that they're having here. He responded saying he doesn't know, and that he wasn't going to the event anymore because none of his friends are in town. I didn't know what to say back, because I wasn't about to invite him out with my friends and I. So, I just asked him what are his plans for the weekend?

 

I'm sure he's still interested, and I'm still not sure if he's playing hard to get, because he doesn't seem like that kind of guy. He's like a hippy kinda dude. Do you have any suggestion as how I can get him to ask me out again? I think he's fishing for me to ask him out.

[Pierre]

 

I'm sure he's still interested, and I'm still not sure if he's playing hard to get, because he doesn't seem like that kind of guy. He's like a hippy kinda dude. Do you have any suggestion as how I can get him to ask me out again? I think he's fishing for me to ask him out.

 

This is are the side effects of sex too soon. You were willing to take your clothes off for him and had sex with him ( a very physical intimate act), but OTOH, you are wondering if he wants to ask you out or whether you should ask him out. At the emotional level there is no intimacy!

 

In other words the two of you hardly know each other and do not have familiarity with each other. Otherwise, it would be easy to determine "WHAT ARE WE DONG THIS WEEKEND?":o Nevertheless, you already slept with this guy and you are not free to call whenever and viceversa.

 

I would assume he is interested: After all you gave him sex and men like sex. However, it seems you guys did not make an emotional connection and that is why many days go by with no communication.

[veggirl]

This is are the side effects of sex too soon. You were willing to take your clothes off for him and had sex with him ( a very physical intimate act), but OTOH, you are wondering if he wants to ask you out or whether you should ask him out. At the emotional level there is no intimacy!

 

In other words the two of you hardly know each other and do not have familiarity with each other. Otherwise, it would be easy to determine "WHAT ARE WE DONG THIS WEEKEND?":o Nevertheless, you already slept with this guy and you are not free to call whenever and viceversa.

 

I would assume he is interested: After all you gave him sex and men like sex. However, it seems you guys did not make an emotional connection and that is why many days go by with no communication.

 

This is a really good post, I totally agree.

 

OP why don't you just ask him if he wants to get together on X day if that's what you'd like. I wouldn't ask him, I think he should ask you at this point but if you want an answer...

[LonelyIsland]

This is are the side effects of sex too soon. You were willing to take your clothes off for him and had sex with him ( a very physical intimate act), but OTOH, you are wondering if he wants to ask you out or whether you should ask him out. At the emotional level there is no intimacy!

 

In other words the two of you hardly know each other and do not have familiarity with each other. Otherwise, it would be easy to determine "WHAT ARE WE DONG THIS WEEKEND?":o Nevertheless, you already slept with this guy and you are not free to call whenever and viceversa.

 

I would assume he is interested: After all you gave him sex and men like sex. However, it seems you guys did not make an emotional connection and that is why many days go by with no communication.

 

Pierre I appreciate your feeback. I get it, I "slept" with him too early on. But, I am willing to hold myself back. And the last time we hung out, we had a great time chatting.

 

Veggirl: I wasn't going to ask him out again. But I guess he did get the hint that I wasn't going to make the first move and sent me a text asking to catch up.

[stillafool]

I'm curious about the "other girl who liked him first" and that the two of you don't want her to know you were seeing each other. Is she a friend of yours and that's the reason you wouldn't want him to go out with you and your friends?

[zengirl]

So I'm currently living in Korea, and I have 4 months left.

 

To me, this frames everything in a way the others are not really seeing. See, I was an expat (1 year in Tokyo, 1 year in Korea, 8 months traveling and teaching English in various settings a few weeks at a time by the seat of my pants in various other countries, but my last year was in Korea).

 

See, life in Korea if you're one of these expats on a 1 year contract is so heightened. It's not real life. It's real life on speed or something. I have seen real relationships formed there, last, and go elsewhere, but not many. I have seen (and had) relationships there, and they are accelerated. Everything is. Friendships are made in a matter of days or weeks. Your best Korea friend may be someone you've only known for months unless you've been there a long time OR knew them before you came over. Friends leave every month. This is the way of things, if your experience is anything like mine.

 

So for our first three dates, he was very proactive and asking me to hang out and letting me know he enjoyed our date. On the third date, I cooked him dinner and we watched a movie and made out. In the middle of making out, I told him I actually like him and wanted to take things slow. He complied. He spent the night, we just slept, nothing happened. Then morning came. We made out and one thing led to another, we had sex. After sex, we talked for a bit, he made sure that he didn't push me into having sex with him, and I assured him it was partially my fault. (I will take the blame for that one). Before he left, he grabbed me and gave me a long kiss and said that we needed to hang out the coming week to catch up.

 

Okay, 3 things:

 

1. Telling someone you want to take things slow and then sleeping with them is just. . . really frustrating. Sleep with someone whenever you want, but the juxtaposition of those two is a mixed message that suggests you're not comfortable with your own decisions, can't stand by your own boundaries, and so forth. The "sex too early" thing is a myth, IMO (though I've never had sex that early firsthand, but Korea BF -- who was a Brit -- and I didn't wait too long, as everything is in fast-motion there; we just happened to already be committed to each other first). However, THIS is a problem. Because it's wishy washy.

 

2. Men are always more proactive before sex. Always. It's not because they've "gotten what they wanted," so much as it's because for men sex seems to break the ice or something, whereas many women act weird if they have sex too early because now they feel uncomfortable. Women who don't get that feeling (I suspect from her posts veggirl is one of them, so maybe she can weigh in on this?) don't seem to have this issue.

 

3. Nothing about this suggests he wants something super serious, honestly. He wants to hang out, have fun, have sex, etc. You're both leaving in 4 months! I mean, that doesn't mean he thinks of you only for sex --- it sounds like he really does like you as a person. But I think you need to find the "notch" of seriousness that fits a relationship that's more than likely got a 4 month expiration date AT BEST.

 

FWIW, none of the relationships I saw last in Korea were ones where the people went into it thinking it might be something that lasted. Expats don't have that kind of mindset. They have fun, and they roll with things, and it sounds like you may be atypical in your inability to do that. You sound like you're overthinking things. To me, at least.

 

We exchanged a couple more texts and I asked him how he was feeling (because he said he felt some sickness coming on). And he said he wasn't all better. So the last thing I said was, "Hope you feel better soon so we can hang out :)". Haven't heard from him since. I feel think he likes me, but I don't know if he's playing games or just not interested.

 

How long was that?

 

He may be sincerely sick. I remember being Korea-sick. It was an experience. I don't think I talked to most of my friends for a week. (BF was already gone back to England, and we'd broken up. So I have no dating frame of reference.)

 

I'd say this sounds like something that will potentially peter out, but maybe it won't. You're clinging way too hard, though. You say you understand it won't last very long, but you're acting. . . it's the overthinking and the not maintaining clear boundaries that will get you, I think. Not the sex. People blame the sex, but it's usually a symptom. It sounds to me like YOU have been acting weird since you guys had sex. And then he started acting weird. And then potentially got sick, which compounds everything.

 

If he does text back again and try to set up a time. . . .Or, if you think he might be better by now, you can text an, "I hope you're feeling better!" message or something to prompt him -- but ONLY one. . . then try to chill out about it is all I can suggest.

[LonelyIsland]

I'm curious about the "other girl who liked him first" and that the two of you don't want her to know you were seeing each other. Is she a friend of yours and that's the reason you wouldn't want him to go out with you and your friends?

 

Yes, she had a crush on him about 8 months ago. But, I'm assuming she doesn't anymore, because from what she's told me he's asked her about me a couple of times and she went ballistic on him. So I'm sure she doesn't have much interests in him anymore. I only heard her spoke about him once and that was when I first met him (8 months ago).

 

No, it's not that I don't want him to go out with my friends and I, but it's just that I'll be with a bunch of girls and that's kinda awkward for him, I would think. We live in a small city, so everyone kinda knows everyone. He was supposed to be going to the same bar I'm going to Saturday night, but he's backing out because none of his friends are in town. They're all away for a game. I'm thinking about tell my friend soon about him.

[zengirl]

ETA: Didn't see this

 

I'm sure he's still interested, and I'm still not sure if he's playing hard to get, because he doesn't seem like that kind of guy. He's like a hippy kinda dude. Do you have any suggestion as how I can get him to ask me out again? I think he's fishing for me to ask him out.

 

It sounds, to me, like he's lost some interest but is still somewhat interested, and he's finding it tedious the way the communication is going. I mean, you mentioned an event but didn't invite him (which is fine but can come across awkward if you're not good at communicating this way). It's all kind of weird on both sides. Normally, it'd be fine, and this sort of thing would flow without anyone doing clear "asking" IME (Korea is not about distinct boundaries in that way) but you really seem to want validation that he's still interested.

 

My overall diagnosis: He sounds mildly interested, but I doubt he's taking it all that seriously.

[LonelyIsland]

To me, this frames everything in a way the others are not really seeing. See, I was an expat (1 year in Tokyo, 1 year in Korea, 8 months traveling and teaching English in various settings a few weeks at a time by the seat of my pants in various other countries, but my last year was in Korea).

 

See, life in Korea if you're one of these expats on a 1 year contract is so heightened. It's not real life. It's real life on speed or something. I have seen real relationships formed there, last, and go elsewhere, but not many. I have seen (and had) relationships there, and they are accelerated. Everything is. Friendships are made in a matter of days or weeks. Your best Korea friend may be someone you've only known for months unless you've been there a long time OR knew them before you came over. Friends leave every month. This is the way of things, if your experience is anything like mine.

 

 

 

Okay, 3 things:

 

1. Telling someone you want to take things slow and then sleeping with them is just. . . really frustrating. Sleep with someone whenever you want, but the juxtaposition of those two is a mixed message that suggests you're not comfortable with your own decisions, can't stand by your own boundaries, and so forth. The "sex too early" thing is a myth, IMO (though I've never had sex that early firsthand, but Korea BF -- who was a Brit -- and I didn't wait too long, as everything is in fast-motion there; we just happened to already be committed to each other first). However, THIS is a problem. Because it's wishy washy.

 

2. Men are always more proactive before sex. Always. It's not because they've "gotten what they wanted," so much as it's because for men sex seems to break the ice or something, whereas many women act weird if they have sex too early because now they feel uncomfortable. Women who don't get that feeling (I suspect from her posts veggirl is one of them, so maybe she can weigh in on this?) don't seem to have this issue.

 

3. Nothing about this suggests he wants something super serious, honestly. He wants to hang out, have fun, have sex, etc. You're both leaving in 4 months! I mean, that doesn't mean he thinks of you only for sex --- it sounds like he really does like you as a person. But I think you need to find the "notch" of seriousness that fits a relationship that's more than likely got a 4 month expiration date AT BEST.

 

FWIW, none of the relationships I saw last in Korea were ones where the people went into it thinking it might be something that lasted. Expats don't have that kind of mindset. They have fun, and they roll with things, and it sounds like you may be atypical in your inability to do that. You sound like you're overthinking things. To me, at least.

 

 

 

How long was that?

 

He may be sincerely sick. I remember being Korea-sick. It was an experience. I don't think I talked to most of my friends for a week. (BF was already gone back to England, and we'd broken up. So I have no dating frame of reference.)

 

I'd say this sounds like something that will potentially peter out, but maybe it won't. You're clinging way too hard, though. You say you understand it won't last very long, but you're acting. . . it's the overthinking and the not maintaining clear boundaries that will get you, I think. Not the sex. People blame the sex, but it's usually a symptom. It sounds to me like YOU have been acting weird since you guys had sex. And then he started acting weird. And then potentially got sick, which compounds everything.

 

If he does text back again and try to set up a time. . . .Or, if you think he might be better by now, you can text an, "I hope you're feeling better!" message or something to prompt him -- but ONLY one. . . then try to chill out about it is all I can suggest.

 

OMG ZenGirl, thanks so much for your input! I did feel that I may have made things more complicated than it really was. I'm not one to play games, but I didn't want to come on to strong towards him. I usually go with the flow, but I got a little obsessed with reading all these do's and don'ts in dating kinda made me a little crazy.

 

And yes, I know I only have 4 months left, so I don't want anything too serious. I'm just trying to take it day by day. But, I guess being inexperienced with dating made me overanalyzed because it's difficult for me to find someone I genuinely like and didn't want to put him off.

 

But, really thank you for shedding some light into my situation.

[LonelyIsland]

ETA: Didn't see this

 

 

 

It sounds, to me, like he's lost some interest but is still somewhat interested, and he's finding it tedious the way the communication is going. I mean, you mentioned an event but didn't invite him (which is fine but can come across awkward if you're not good at communicating this way). It's all kind of weird on both sides. Normally, it'd be fine, and this sort of thing would flow without anyone doing clear "asking" IME (Korea is not about distinct boundaries in that way) but you really seem to want validation that he's still interested.

 

My overall diagnosis: He sounds mildly interested, but I doubt he's taking it all that seriously.

 

We were going to the same event, but he just backed out because his friends can't make it.