Daydreamher85 Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 Hi all! Newbie here...just got back into the world of dating and I guess I should chime in by explaining my dating dilemma. Hopefully, I'll get some helpful advice about the situation. I've been going back and forth about the whole ordeal and I'm wondering if I should invest more time/effort into whatever this "thing" is. It's a long entry...so bear with me. Here's the deal. Back in Nov. 11' I met this guy online and started talking to him (after a long ordeal of me ignoring him... He initiated contact in 09) and we eventually started hitting it off. We have a lot in common, have the same views about life and are physically/intellectually attracted to each other. We would stay up into the wee-hours of the mornings chatting online, cam chatting, and even talking on the phone. We live in separate cities (roughly about 3-4 hours away from each other)..and were in talks about maybe even visiting each other. Initially he seemed like a really nice guy and sent me texts throughout the day to see how I was doing. After a couple of weeks of chatting (approx. 2), we finally decided to meet in person so I made plans to come up to see him over a weekend. Everything went great. It wasn't awkward for us at all and we were just like our online "selves". But, amidst all of the great connecting, we wound up being intimate. The sex was great...we get along quite well in that arena. But it wasn't something I planned since I was in a downhill relationship at the time (my long-term bf being emotionally abusive towards me...dealing with his own issues). I admit I was pretty ****ed up being intimate outside of my relationship (even though it was on the verge of collapsing)...and as cheating has never been something of my character, it made me feel pretty bad about the ordeal. Since then I have split up with the bf...and contact with the "friend" seems to be continuing. A lot of time has passed during the first meet up and we have been keeping in contact since then..and have expressed interest in meeting again. He and I had talked about the ordeal and he has said that he didn't feel comfortable about spending time with a women already in a relationship (ending or not)-, yet he understood the circumstances...and that he is still interested in pursuing whatever this is that has started between us. Last time we talked, I stated that even though I enjoyed the time that we spent together on our first visit-- that I wanted to take things a bit slower this time around. I know that some guys may think that I might be dangling a carrot over his head or something. But for me it's not the case. There is a lot of sexual/physical attraction between us (we flirt/comment here and there but it is all tongue-in-cheek. He told me that he was completely cool with it. So far so good...we're still talking and he hasn't miraculously disappeared yet. However there are a couple of things that bother me. I know that he and I have only started meeting or whatever. But after the first time we had met up, I decided to do some detective work on Mr. Online to determine if I wanted to continue seeing him. When we first started chatting, and he eventually added me to his FB, I noticed that his "friends" were only female. I thought that it was a bit strange...but since we barely knew each other.. I was not expecting anything from him and I didn't think too much of it. But I decided to do a bit more detective work on him (just in case I did decide to see him again) and found out that he has another FB profile. This one appears to be for his friends/family/co-workers while the one I am added to just appears to have a bunch of women on it. Some of the information on it appears to be blocked as well. From what I gathered on the FB page that I am added on, there are comments from other women on his page but nothing seems to be sexual in nature. Mostly they are commenting the pictures from his travels ( "wow..it looks beautiful there", "Cool"...you get the drift). Some women have even "liked" photos of him...but it doesn't seem to be more than that. The last comment he received from a woman was sometime in Dec. last year. He hasn't really updated his page since. Then again, FB allows its users to adjust their privacy settings to block "friends" from viewing certain pictures..comments...etc.I should know since I sometimes use those settings as well. But I don't want to be too paranoid. I WANT to confront him about it...but I don't know how. How would you suggest bringing it up in a convo? I want to give him the benefit of the doubt...But is he a player? How do I confront him about the other profile without putting him on his guard? I just find it strange that he has access to all of my information...my friends...my family...my co-workers..the whole shebang, yet I am obviously not getting the same in return. Granted that he and I have not been talking for very long, but I have been completely honest with him since day one. I've been patient with him thinking that eventually, if he's actually interested in getting to know one another or whatever that he would eventually bring his other FB profile up. He has not been completely secretive though. He has disclosed details about who he is as a person. Interests, dislikes, hobbies, his goals, work... his friends...and even about his family. He's recently opened up about his strained relationship with his father. Since I am somewhat in a similar situation ( he didn't know that..mind you), I guess he and I connected in that way and he's now using some of my advice to attempt to repair their relationship. Mr. Online has a tough shell to crack..but he has been opening up more and more. However, I am still somewhat confused about the whole thing and where it is heading. I probably wouldn't be putting too much thought into it if he and I had met in a more conventional way (not online), with/not with my ex at the time, and that we lived in the same city. The last couple of months he and I had been keeping in contact (casually mind you). But a lot of the plans that we have made to see each other have fallen though quite a bit due to our schedules. At one point both of us were trying to figure out what was going on with each other. He was wondering if I had lost interest/met someone else and I was pretty much thinking the same thing. At one point he was concerned that everything he and I had been talking about and or doing (seeing more of each other..traveling together perhaps..etc.) was all just talk. Two weeks ago, we had talks again about me coming up to visit him for about 4-5 days. Now that school has lightened up on my end I had decided to do it. He had to work two of those days...but offered a key to his place so that I could work on my BA/sightsee/come and go as I pleased until he ended his shifts. We had a great time together just like before…however with not being able to see each other since back in November, we spent a majority of the time taking things slow by catching up. We opened up a lot to each other those days…but again, there haven’t been any discussions on what is going on between us. The last day however….we were intimate again…which leaves me again…wondering if this is a casual encounter…or if it is leading on to something else. He and I haven’t talked since then (about 5 days since I left). Am I just a convenience to him? I haven't seen/heard of many booty call situations where the guy openly gives his flat keys to his "side"....and allows her to stay there ( in fears that she might find something). Could this be a good sign in the right direction? What should I do?
crazylove Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 Hi and welcome! It really sounds like you need to have a conversation with him on where it is heading. Have you given it much thought on where you would like it to head? It sounds as if you might like something more, and it maybe for the best to find out sooner rather than later if you're on the same page:)
Author Daydreamher85 Posted April 11, 2012 Author Posted April 11, 2012 Thanks for the greets Crazylove! I have given it some thought as to where I would like to go with the guy. I mean, I'm rather guarded when it comes to my feelings and showing them to people that I care/start to care about. I mean-, I wouldn't all this time talking to this guy and making efforts to see him if I didn't see something there. I guess for the most part, I am really keen on seeing where it goes. But at the same time, small signals though out us getting to know each other has either sent up flags to make me question if we are still on the same page or not. - The other FB page + the other women on it - A large amount of sexual conversations ( he has toned it down a bit...when I got frustrated and finally put it to his attention. Sex is great...but it is not the main reason why I chose to talk with him) Since we first started talking, I pretty much put my cards on the table and explained to him that I didn't want to get hurt (bc of my previous relationship..blah) and that I hope that he is at least that much honest with me. I want to confront him about the page...but don't know how. And I'm not too sure when/how I should go about having the "talk" with him (even though we have only met now twice in person) about where "we" are going.
Quiet Storm Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 My opinion is that he only sees you as something casual. He doesn't see you as "relationship material" because of the way your relationship began. A lot of men have the philosphy of "if they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you". He knows what you are capable of. He enjoys the occasional sex and companionship, and will take what you are willing to give him, but won't make a commitment to you. I know you say your boyfriend was emotionally abusive and all that, but that is not a justification to cheat. Why didn't you end the relationship before hooking up with another guy? Instead, you decided to be sneaky and go behind his back to get your needs met. From his perspective, that can tell him a lot about your character. He probably sees it one of four ways: 1) you are either selfish and have no problem lying/sneaking/cheating to get your needs met OR 2) you were conflict avoidant and too weak to deal with the issues in your relationship OR 3) (if he has a big ego) he is such a hottie and is so charming that you were willing to cheat with him...so what happens when you get bored and the next charmer comes along OR 4) he's a player and will take whatever you're willing to give him. Neither scenario makes you an attractive pick for a girlfriend, it's too risky. However, he can enjoy the good parts of you (sex & companionship) with little risk if he just keeps you as fnck buddy.
FitChick Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 Yes, you are convenient. You are the one who travels to him and has sex. Why should he make an effort if he isn't that into you? My rule is to always make the man come to me (or pay for my plane ticket) because that separates the serious from the silly.
Author Daydreamher85 Posted April 11, 2012 Author Posted April 11, 2012 Thanks for the sound advice everyone... It is pretty obvious that I have not been in the dating game that long. In fact, I was with my ex (my first long-term relationship) since I was 18....just turned 27...and my experience in the matters are still somewhat limited. QuietStorm - I never wrote that being in an abusive relationship was an excuse/justification for me to find something/someone else to have my needs met. I have never in my life cheated on anyone. Which is why I am reflecting on the entire situation as a whole. My ex-boyfriend and I were in talks of splitting around the time that I met Mr. Online, but things were not finalized because property/finances/etc had to be properly settled and divided. Neither party is innocent here in this case.. My ex had been having explicit conversations with women on the net long before I even decided on pursuing a "connection" with Mr. Online. Still not an excuse...but again we are all human and make mistakes. The issue(s) I seem to be having so far with Mr. Online is that I've asked what his intentions are before even meeting him in person. I rather someone be upfront with their intentions instead of putting on this front like it is something else. I mean-, he and I are both adults. If it is only a physical relationship he wants...then why not just come out and say it? Why say that you're interested in seeing how this "connection/relationship" develops when in fact its only a FwB that he may be after. A FwB agreement may or may not be ( I haven't been in one...but I haven't ruled it out either) what I'm looking for...but at least give me the choice to decide if I want to be in one or not. But more importantly, why go through all of this effort/money/whatever just for a piece of a++? I live in the most southern part of the country. With a population of just over 9 million people....why not look for someone a bit closer? In the same city perhaps? The same county? Why not even a neighboring city/town? FitChick- I too..believe that men should make some effort and "fit the bill" (sometimes) when it comes to the initial stages of a relationship. The first visit around, he suggested and planed on coming to see me first (plane/train/hotel/whatever) but I had to cancel it at the last minute because there work. So I had shifted it the weekend after and suggested that I come up instead. Work/school had been hectic so I thought it as a little getaway/holiday from all that. He paid for all expenses while I was up there. Second time around, it wasn't really planned. If anything, a last minute thing. He wound up driving about 5 hours...picked me up...and drove another 5 back to his city...allowed me to stay at his place keys and all while he was at work....and again paid for all expenses while I was there. During the last visit, he talked about (almost insisted) about coming down to spend a couple of days with me. So yeah... it leaves me in an icky position wondering where his head is at. A lot of effort for some putty tang.
thatone Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 But more importantly, why go through all of this effort/money/whatever just for a piece of a++? I live in the most southern part of the country. With a population of just over 9 million people....why not look for someone a bit closer? In the same city perhaps? The same county? Why not even a neighboring city/town? because the game is fun, the chase is fun, but once the sex is had the game is over and you have to find a new one to start it all over again. that's the mentality. it doesn't really matter what lengths you go to if you enjoy going to those lengths as part of the 'thrill of the hunt' so to speak.
Quiet Storm Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 QuietStorm - I never wrote that being in an abusive relationship was an excuse/justification for me to find something/someone else to have my needs met. I have never in my life cheated on anyone. Which is why I am reflecting on the entire situation as a whole. My ex-boyfriend and I were in talks of splitting around the time that I met Mr. Online, but things were not finalized because property/finances/etc had to be properly settled and divided. Neither party is innocent here in this case.. My ex had been having explicit conversations with women on the net long before I even decided on pursuing a "connection" with Mr. Online. Still not an excuse...but again we are all human and make mistakes. The issue(s) I seem to be having so far with Mr. Online is that I've asked what his intentions are before even meeting him in person. I rather someone be upfront with their intentions instead of putting on this front like it is something else. I mean-, he and I are both adults. If it is only a physical relationship he wants...then why not just come out and say it? Why say that you're interested in seeing how this "connection/relationship" develops when in fact its only a FwB that he may be after. A FwB agreement may or may not be ( I haven't been in one...but I haven't ruled it out either) what I'm looking for...but at least give me the choice to decide if I want to be in one or not. But more importantly, why go through all of this effort/money/whatever just for a piece of a++? I live in the most southern part of the country. With a population of just over 9 million people....why not look for someone a bit closer? In the same city perhaps? The same county? Why not even a neighboring city/town? I know that you are taking responsbility for your mistakes, I am just saying he may not see it that way. Some people (I'm one) judge people by their actions, not what they say. Talk is cheap. So while YOU may genuinely feel that you may never cheat on anyone ever again, he may be listening to your actions. Not your words. When the going got tough, what did you do? Also, although your ex may have been cheating on you or chatting online with others, those were HIS choices. Instead of abiding by your own values, you stooped to his level. Your values (not cheating or lying) should remain consistant- regardless of what others do. As a person, you decide what kind of person you want to be and how you will behave. People are going to pay attention to how you act- and they may judge you for that. You asked Mr. Online to tell you upfront what he wants. Most men are not going to come out and admit that they only want you for sex. They have learned from their mothers, sisters and life experience that women do not like to be used for sex. He doesn't want to hurt your feelings and doesn't want you to feel disrespected. Although he may be perfectly cool with using women, he doesn't want to admit that to a woman. He doesn't want to feel like an a-hole. The whole connection/ romantic words are common tactics that men use so that YOU will feel a connection to them and want to have sex with them (hey, it works). In my first paragraph, I explained how I pay attention to someone's actions, and not their words. It is easy for him to say all that stuff, but are his actions backing that up? I learned as a teenager to never underestimate the lengths a man will go to for a piece of a55. Sex is a HUGE motivator for men. HUGE. He probably does have prospects in his area, but that doesn't mean much. For many men, it's a numbers game. They cast many lines, and see who bites. You bit. I may be wrong about his intentions, but that's the feeling I am getting. Remember...actions not words. Consistent actions will show his true intentions.
Author Daydreamher85 Posted April 13, 2012 Author Posted April 13, 2012 Thanks again QuietStorm for cutting to the chase and giving me some pure..good ol' fashioned logic. Maybe I am/ was attracted to this "persona" that he had been fronting when we first started contacting each other and perhaps got blinded by it all and ignored my instincts (to pay attention to his actions and not his words). I guess I was in a vulnerable state (with the ex) and maybe Mr. Online saw that and took advantage of it. I'm not too sure if it's like that..but I'm not going to leave that possibility out. I'm going to back off a bit and see what happens...and if/when he contacts me again...clear the air a bit..and base my next move on the way he reacts. I'm not going to waste anymore time/effort/money/well-being on someone who is not worth it...and I refuse to be anyone's "convenience". If he is a serial dater/player/whatever...then I'll just cut my losses and take it as a lesson to take into consideration with my future relationships. To not be so naive and continue to give people the "benefit of the doubt" instead of paying close attention to their actions. I'll fill you guys in as this "thing" develops.
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