No Contact - Painfully Beautiful

[LovelyLaura]

NC - No Contact

 

Everyone is talking about it.

We consider it as a way out, as a way to heal ourself.

Me, my self, im the OW.

Im not really in love with my MM, but i do care about him a lot.

 

So when i decided to end the A (its not worth to hurt his family over nothing, bcause i never want this man as my future husband), i also decided to go NC. and trust me its hard like hell..

And the fact the he always tries to come back, do not make it easier.

 

My MM is also my coworker, so the situation is a little bit tacky.

I can not apply NC at all, but i stress the fact that it will be "business only" with him. Thx God, he works on another department, so i rarely meet him in person.

 

My NC has been going on for 1 week. But its on and off.

2 days off, he came back, texted me, said that he was so miserable.

I replied it, told him that everythings gonna be fine. He will survive this. And this NC is the best way for everyone.

 

I know i shouldnt reply it, but i dont wanna piss him off, bcos he is the big boss' son. So i try the gentle way, u know, push him gently to back off.

 

And he said that he understand.

But then 2 days off, he came back, told me the same things.

And i also ended up doing the same things, cheered him up and then tell him that this NC was the best for all.

Its a hell cycle.

 

Honestly when i said that i want to NC.

The 2 days without him is like a living torture.

I was so miserable, but then i get used to it, like its not that hard.

I still miss him, but not in a desperate way.

 

When he contacted me again, my heart was leaping with joy.

But then reality strikes, i should not let myself get carried way,

so after cheer him up, i told him that NC is still the best way.

 

And after that, i feel miserable again..

Arghhhh...

Really, its a cycle of hell...

 

I couldnt stand it, so the last time i really2 told him that i meant it..

i told him that its unfair for him to make everything harder for me.

He then said he is sorry, and this is the last contact.

He never say this before, so i think he is serious this time.

 

And now, i guess its really over.

A little bit sad, a little bit regret, a little bit desperate, a little bit mellow,

but also a little bit happy bcos finally i can move on.

 

Thanks for the support from everyone here.

I can not be this strong without any help from you..

 

I hope everyone in here can find happiness in a way that doesnt hurt anyone

 

Keep strong girl..

Edited April 11, 2012 by LovelyLaura

[despicableME]

You really need to look/get another job already.

 

It sounds like you like the drama surrounding your NC situation. A person who truly wants NC takes steps to make it stick. What you have is not NC... the both of you are still interacting.

 

My AP recently broke NC, and I refuse to answer her communications. I guess she wants some "closure" before she heads off to a new location.

 

Although there are some risidual feelings and a sense of loss concerning the "friendship" prior to our affair, we can never be friends again... not even aquaintances

 

I've said my piece to her- IT'S OVER!

[Furious]

You don't want him....BUT...you want him to want you....But.....when...

 

What a fun merry-go-round ride you're both on.

 

This not NC...this is a joke.

[wannabdone]

You HAVE to be strong to maintain the NC with him because every time you give in, you are illustrating that you are weak and that your boundaries are not what they should be. Also..........you need to realize that everytime you don't do what you say, he has less and less belief in your values and he will see you as being more easily manipulated to get what he wants from you.

 

NC is POWER, it's about having some pride and dignity.

 

My sit. is totally different but every once in a while I have an urge to tell xmm what an pos I think he is, but I would not do this for 2 reasons. To have any contact with him at all would take away my dignity (even to tell him I hate him) and for him to know that I still feel anger is him knowing too much. The other reason is out of respect for his wife.

 

 

SAME HERE!! I dream of telling him what a dirt bag scum he is, but realize that it would be me breaking what NC was to me. Which was me saying to him and myself... I am not settling. I am better. And I am. I am honest in every area of my life, why would I continue this. I was madly in love with this man, but once I went NC and started processing...WOW! Did I see things for what they are. And how stupid I had been.

 

 

Lovely, I know changing your job is hard, but really you might consider it. I think its too much for you to see him. It is hard, I know. But, I'm telling you one thing it is, is PEACE!! And that is something you forget about having when your in the middle of the drama. Peace is gooooooooooood!

[Lostinlife4now]

Hi Lovely....

 

I went NC with xMM....for a long while...then I got "PISSY"....and broke it only to tell him I was dating a Hot attorney.....(was only one date) but oh well.....

 

That blew him away..............and I felt better!!!!

 

But now I have SUCH AN INDIFFERENCE towards him that it really doesn't matter if I talk to him or not....HE IS A JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!

[despicableME]

re: Lady Grey & wannabdone concerning "hating" frmr AP.

 

How is it that the person you "loved" at one time can be such a thorn in your side now. I don't get it. Is it because of the lies he's told you, or in LG's case about you? Is it because you didn't end up together, and are full of resentment?

 

I can honestly tell you that I don't hate my AP. Aside from our atrocious behavior, you'd think she was the nicest person.

 

Obviously, there is a thin line between love and hate.

[wannabdone]

re: Lady Grey & wannabdone concerning "hating" frmr AP.

 

How is it that the person you "loved" at one time can be such a thorn in your side now. I don't get it. Is it because of the lies he's told you, or in LG's case about you? Is it because you didn't end up together, and are full of resentment?

 

I can honestly tell you that I don't hate my AP. Aside from our atrocious behavior, you'd think she was the nicest person.

 

Obviously, there is a thin line between love and hate.

 

Dispcable, with mine.. I didn't hate him at first. I loved him, and let me add there is a part of me that still does. And I can't understand why.

But, in my case... my xMM is a complete sociopath. I noticed small things here in there...but I was so in love with this man for so long, that I thought he could walk on water. I made more excuses for him that any other person in the world. As I have been in NC, I have started to see things clearly. All the lies, all the manipulation, all the stupid things that I fell for. How blanetly he was manipulating everyone, and lying to get what he wanted. Which was both his W and I. He literally put me through hell, and all the while he was the one who was lying to everyone. Plus, to top it off, this man tried to leave me with an incredible load of debt. All the while, he was using this debt that he had racked up to minister to young boys in his church and community. Hes just an awful human being.

[despicableME]

minister to young boys in his church and community.

 

HOLY ****! And I mean that in a literal sense. You're telling me you fell for a "preacher man." OMFG!

 

He truly is a worthless POS. He's what you would call a false prophet.

 

I truly admire your honesty on these boards.

[wannabdone]

HOLY ****! And I mean that in a literal sense. You're telling me you fell for a "preacher man." OMFG!

 

He truly is a worthless POS. He's what you would call a false prophet.

 

I truly admire your honesty on these boards.

 

 

Thank you despicable. I appreciate that. He is not a "preacher man", but he is a "leader" in his community, and yes, somewhat of a youth leader for boys. You know teaching them honesty, loyalty, leadership....blah blah blah. When he started this, this is when I started waking from my coma. I thought "wow, he is really going to teach these boys this, and he is doing what he is doing". From there it snow balled into me finally being done. But him starting that was the start of me seeing who he was.

 

I have thought about writing an anomymous letter to the church and telling them what he has done. But, I don't want to be revengeful. I just think that if it was my son, I would want to know who exactly was shaping his mind.

 

Honestly, it makes me sick to my stomach to think about. Do you know how long I went not even going to church because I felt so bad about what I was doing, and felt like I shouldn't??? Let alone leading young men to Christ. He is truly a sociopath. And I am truly and idiot for falling for it. Lesson learned, I guess.

[LovelyLaura]

You HAVE to be strong to maintain the NC with him because every time you give in, you are illustrating that you are weak and that your boundaries are not what they should be. Also..........you need to realize that everytime you don't do what you say, he has less and less belief in your values and he will see you as being more easily manipulated to get what he wants from you.

 

NC is POWER, it's about having some pride and dignity.

 

My sit. is totally different but every once in a while I have an urge to tell xmm what an pos I think he is, but I would not do this for 2 reasons. To have any contact with him at all would take away my dignity (even to tell him I hate him) and for him to know that I still feel anger is him knowing too much. The other reason is out of respect for his wife.

 

 

I thank you all for your honest opinion.

Changing my job now is not an option, I have a very bright career path in this company, and i dont want to throw it away.

I know, from the first time i shouldnt get involve with this MM for the sake of my career.. But it happened, and i guess its my biggest regret in my life. But show must go on, and im not gonna let my mistake ruin my life.

 

LadyGrey, what u said there is damn true.

NC gives us power to show that we are strong enough to stand up for our pride and dignity.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts so eloquently.

I will keep telling myself about this.

 

As an update, since the last time we said goodbye (its yesterday actually ), he didnt contact me anymore.

I feel so much better.

But dont get me wrong, I have my own grief and sorrow, i cried out loud, curse the situation, curse everything.

But after that, Im so relieved

Its too much drama, and i dont want to go down that road again.

And im just so relieved that its finally over.

 

But honestly, i dont hate my MM, he is a good person actually.

I know he is, i can feel it. So i dont have any urge to resent him.

 

I just hope i can get over him and move on with my life.

 

I will keep update my story,

This board has become my personal diary,

and it helps me a lot.

[wannabdone]

I thank you all for your honest opinion.

Changing my job now is not an option, I have a very bright career path in this company, and i dont want to throw it away.

I know, from the first time i shouldnt get involve with this MM for the sake of my career.. But it happened, and i guess its my biggest regret in my life. But show must go on, and im not gonna let my mistake ruin my life.

 

LadyGrey, what u said there is damn true.

NC gives us power to show that we are strong enough to stand up for our pride and dignity.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts so eloquently.

I will keep telling myself about this.

 

As an update, since the last time we said goodbye (its yesterday actually ), he didnt contact me anymore.

I feel so much better.

But dont get me wrong, I have my own grief and sorrow, i cried out loud, curse the situation, curse everything.

But after that, Im so relieved

Its too much drama, and i dont want to go down that road again.

And im just so relieved that its finally over.

 

But honestly, i dont hate my MM, he is a good person actually.

I know he is, i can feel it. So i dont have any urge to resent him.

 

I just hope i can get over him and move on with my life.

 

I will keep update my story,

This board has become my personal diary,

and it helps me a lot.

 

 

LL, congratulations on taking the first step to regaining your life, your pride and your diginity. And top it off, putting yourself on the road to peace. Know that there will be "waves", you miss him, you hate him, you love him, and the list goes on and on... however, you are doing whats right for you and you are not settling!

[despicableME]

I have thought about writing an anomymous letter to the church and telling them what he has done. But, I don't want to be revengeful. I just think that if it was my son, I would want to know who exactly was shaping his mind.

 

Hmm... that's a tough one. If you were to send it anonymously, I doubt they'd take it seriously. You'd probably have to tell them in person. The thing that irks me is that he's in a position of influence. He has influence over these young minds, all the while being a corrupted soul. How can he justify his position, while engaging in these nefarious activities? It just stinks to high heaven(there I go again).

 

I'm really inclined to think that since he's gotten off scot-free, he will only do it again. He hasn't faced any consequences for his bad behavior.

[LovelyLaura]

Thanks wannabdone..

 

It takes courage and self-respect to keep the NC going.

Its not like i want to contact him, no.

Everytime i found myself miss him, i wont let it break the NC.

And i hold myself pretty good in that situation.

 

The hardest part is trying to not respond to him when he contact me.

1. I dont have the heart to just ignore him when he said that he was so miserable.

2. Im afraid if i ignore him, he will be mad and bad mouthing me to his father.

 

Any suggestion maybe?

Pls dont tell me to change my job. Its my dream job, and i rarely see him in office since we work on different department.

 

Any thought would be appreciated. Thank you

[despicableME]

The hardest part is trying to not respond to him when he contact me.

 

1. I dont have the heart to just ignore him when he said that he was so miserable.

 

2. Im afraid if i ignore him, he will be mad and bad mouthing me

to his father.

 

See, this is your problem. You're still in his vicinity.

 

Ever heard "outta sight outta mind?" I don't see any other way, but to completely purge him from your life... and you know what that means.

[Gentlegirl2]

Dispcable, with mine.. I didn't hate him at first. I loved him, and let me add there is a part of me that still does. And I can't understand why.

But, in my case... my xMM is a complete sociopath. I noticed small things here in there...but I was so in love with this man for so long, that I thought he could walk on water. I made more excuses for him that any other person in the world. As I have been in NC, I have started to see things clearly. All the lies, all the manipulation, all the stupid things that I fell for. How blanetly he was manipulating everyone, and lying to get what he wanted. Which was both his W and I. He literally put me through hell, and all the while he was the one who was lying to everyone. Plus, to top it off, this man tried to leave me with an incredible load of debt. All the while, he was using this debt that he had racked up to minister to young boys in his church and community. Hes just an awful human being.

 

 

He's not the first community leader to have done anything like this and he won't be the last I'm sure. they are out there everywhere hiding behind thier pillars of respectability.

GG

[wannabdone]

He's not the first community leader to have done anything like this and he won't be the last I'm sure. they are out there everywhere hiding behind thier pillars of respectability.

GG

 

Competely disguisting.

 

Not trying to t/j... but what is everyone's thoughts on the letter written to the church?

[LovelyLaura]

Its okay wannabdone, i feel for you.

 

I mean this man supposed to be the role model for young children,

but u know his darkest secret, and u feel its not fair for this children

to be tutored by this kind of man.

 

Regarding the letter, i thought its not a wise thing to do.

The church will just ignore it, assuming that the letter is just another joke.

And even when the church takes it to something serious, the man will easily defend himself.

He is a professional liar (look at his personal achievement in his work and community and compare it with his sneaky behavior behind everyone's back. It takes a whole new level of sociopath to achieve it) and since the church has only the letter (with no hard proof), i think he will get away with this, and it will leave you with another wound to heal.

 

I do believe in karma wannabdone, what goes around, comes around.

He will get punished someday, in anyway that maybe u cant imagine.

For now, i suggest u to just focus on urself.

Leave this messy behind, open up your self to the world, to new opportunity.

Dont let your self crawling in the mud again..

[LovelyLaura]

BrighterWashing,

 

Thank you for sharing your story.

My MM's W found out about the A, but she has no idea that it was with coworker.

I dont know what lie the MM told her, but the W assumes that its an A with stranger.

 

Honestly, im afraid that she will dig deeper and finds out that its ME.

But its another worry for another day. I dont know what the future holds.

But for now, for all i know, i love this job and i wont throw it away.

 

MM works on another department, and its just for rare special occasion

that our department will cross path. So our contact will be very little and minimum. Maybe once in 6 months.

 

But still, as despicableME said, im still in his vicinity.

I will try my best to hold the business only relationship with him.

When it comes to the point where i couldnt stand it anymore,

i will go, find another job and free my life from him.

But for now, i will give it a shot.

I really love this job, has a bright career upfront.

And its too bad to just sacrifice all of that.

I made a mistake, i know and i will regret it for the rest of my life.

But i couldnt let myself down because of it.

Edited April 12, 2012 by LovelyLaura

[whichwayisup]

Honestly, im afraid that she will dig deeper and finds out that its ME.

There's a pretty good chance she will find out. Be prepared. Own your part in the affair, don't put it all on him.

 

But its another worry for another day. I dont know what the future holds.

But for now, for all i know, i love this job and i wont throw it away.

 

Some people at work could know or suspect. Never say never..

 

MM works on another department, and its just for rare special occasion

that our department will cross path. So our contact will be very little and minimum. Maybe once in 6 months.

 

So no hanging out at all during your A at work? Nobody there would put two and two together? Did you ever go out to lunch and have others see you both?

 

You care about him, but you aren't in love with him. So, wish him well and tell him to please respect that things are over and put distance/space between you two. Keep it light and professional only. No personal chats. Tell him up front that you aren't going to return calls or emails that are personal.

 

Remember much of this is ego related on your part. the stuff you miss IS ego related since you say you don't love him, don't want him for a partner or husband. make yourself let go.

[LovelyLaura]

We worked on same cross departmental project, and basically its how the A began.

We are close at the time, but no one suspect anything because they all know about our project.

 

I never have any lunch out with him, i have my own lady friends and always spend lunch time with them.

 

So i guess its pretty safe at work,

but regarding his W, i dont know whether she will dig deeper or just let it go.

Its my only concern now.

 

I really dont want to leave my job.

But if she finds out, i guess its best for me to go.

But now, since she didnt know (its a false hope i know) i will continue my career here and hope that she wouldnt find out its me.

 

Yes whichwayisup, i already said my goodbye to him.

Wish him well and stress the fact that everything is over and i just want to move on with my life.

My contact with him will be business and professional only. And i really wish that he respect it.

And he said yes, he understand. He wished me well and said that he will do what i ask him.

 

So i guess this is the real goodbye..

 

Hard, but its the right thing to do..

[findingnemo]

Laura, I'm so happy you're sticking with NC. It's hard of course because you're used to the attention but hold your ground.

[Gentlegirl2]

NC in the early stages is just like that. It gets harder then easier if you can do it. I had lots of attempts until I suceeded.

 

It would be great if you could leave and find work at another place. I know you have expressed the wish to stay where you are but what you want is not always the best thing for you.

 

Many years ago, before sexual discrimination laws were in force, I had a man pursuing me in my work place. I went to my boss and complained.. fortunately for me the boss was a lovely man who understood completely. I requested a transfer to another place and had it within a week.

 

As it turned out, it opened up a wonderful career opportunity and I have made life long friends.

 

Consider the possibility of looking for another job for a moment,

 

GG

[jwi71]

We worked on same cross departmental project, and basically its how the A began.

We are close at the time, but no one suspect anything because they all know about our project.

 

IME, both on these forums and IRL, these office A's are never as secret as the perpetrators are want to believe. At minimum, people suspect "something" - and office gossip puts 12 year old girls to shame.

 

Personally, I would ready an action plan IF this blows up.

 

but regarding his W, i dont know whether she will dig deeper or just let it go.

Its my only concern now.

 

Make an action plan for this as well.

 

Yes whichwayisup, i already said my goodbye to him.

Wish him well and stress the fact that everything is over and i just want to move on with my life.

My contact with him will be business and professional only. And i really wish that he respect it.

And he said yes, he understand. He wished me well and said that he will do what i ask him.

 

Here's the thing though. He was, per you, ready to leave his W, his family and his life to be with you. It will and does affect him. What was all fun and games for you was FAR deeper for him. And while he might be successful at controlling it now, tomorrow maybe different. One slip of the tongue or a lingering and longing glance too long - cats out of the bag.

 

You have many dangers at your office, not just his W finding out.

 

I know you like your job but the reality is you've made a minefield out of it and, perhaps worse, your MM can step on one! Becoming complacent about the danger makes you all the more vulnerable to a slip up.

 

So i guess this is the real goodbye..

 

Not likely but hopefully so.

 

A's in general are nasty business but office A's doubly so.

 

I already know you won't seek new employment but at the very least plan for your A's public outing.

[wannabdone]

Its okay wannabdone, i feel for you.

 

I mean this man supposed to be the role model for young children,

but u know his darkest secret, and u feel its not fair for this children

to be tutored by this kind of man.

 

Regarding the letter, i thought its not a wise thing to do.

The church will just ignore it, assuming that the letter is just another joke.

And even when the church takes it to something serious, the man will easily defend himself.

He is a professional liar (look at his personal achievement in his work and community and compare it with his sneaky behavior behind everyone's back. It takes a whole new level of sociopath to achieve it) and since the church has only the letter (with no hard proof), i think he will get away with this, and it will leave you with another wound to heal.

 

I do believe in karma wannabdone, what goes around, comes around.

He will get punished someday, in anyway that maybe u cant imagine.

For now, i suggest u to just focus on urself.

Leave this messy behind, open up your self to the world, to new opportunity.

Dont let your self crawling in the mud again..

 

Thank you LL. I think you are right, which is why I had not written a letter. But I think you are wise and I think the best thing is for me to just pray for the children that are under him and their parents, that they will see it for what it is for.

 

I appreciate your input, and value it.

[LovelyLaura]

IME, both on these forums and IRL, these office A's are never as secret as the perpetrators are want to believe. At minimum, people suspect "something" - and office gossip puts 12 year old girls to shame.

 

Personally, I would ready an action plan IF this blows up.

 

 

 

Make an action plan for this as well.

 

 

 

Here's the thing though. He was, per you, ready to leave his W, his family and his life to be with you. It will and does affect him. What was all fun and games for you was FAR deeper for him. And while he might be successful at controlling it now, tomorrow maybe different. One slip of the tongue or a lingering and longing glance too long - cats out of the bag.

 

You have many dangers at your office, not just his W finding out.

 

I know you like your job but the reality is you've made a minefield out of it and, perhaps worse, your MM can step on one! Becoming complacent about the danger makes you all the more vulnerable to a slip up.

 

 

 

Not likely but hopefully so.

 

A's in general are nasty business but office A's doubly so.

 

I already know you won't seek new employment but at the very least plan for your A's public outing.

Thank you for your opinion jwi71

 

Sometimes i wonder, what would happen if MM's W or another coworker found out about the A between MM and I?

I imagine the worst case scenario that could happen to me, and ya i have my back up plan.

I think i will leave my job, move to another city, far away from here.

 

Tough decision, but i made my own bed, i have to lay in it.

 

As per MM statement that he will leave his family, i dont know whether its true or not. He claimed that he would do that. But its a typical saying from any other MM right? And for now, i dont care whether its true or just another lie he told me to keep me there. I just want to move on with my life.

 

I go NC, and i hope for the sake of everyone, he and i could stick to it,

and keep our relationship in business and professional term only.

 

Thank you jwi71 for reminding me to have an action plan in the back of my mind if this A blows out.

I really appreciate that..