Emotionally exhausted

[Morai]

Much like a few others that frequent this forum my boyfriend has been buried under work. We're six hours apart time zone wise and an 8 hour flight in reality. He works nights for his job so that just makes my situation so much harder.

 

I'm so frustrated and emotionally exhausted with all of this. I feel like I've bent so much to accommodate him that I might shatter eventually. He started his new position for his job a little more than a year ago. Prior to him taking the promotion we talked everyday. Every waking moment and even when we were asleep we left a skype call up. Now I barely get to hear his voice at all. We've had an hour or so long call maybe every few weeks. The texting is at a bear minimum and he often doesn't get back to me for hours or sometimes days.

 

I wouldn't be posting here if I hadn't talked to him about it first. I've told him I can't keep doing this, and nearly ended it in the middle of February. I miss him. He knows this. Almost every time I bring it up he gets extremely angry/ annoyed with me and that makes the communication even worse. Some times he tells me I'm being unreasonable and he's doing all he can, and other times he's apologetic and I feel like he understands me. But nothing has changed. I've been trying to communicate all of this with him since January, when our communication literally hit rock bottom.

 

I've tried giving him space to sort things out with his life so that hopefully he'd have more time, but it just made things worse. He's able to make time to go to the gym and play soccer but not for me it seems. I've brought this up what seems like a thousand times as well, but every time with the same result. He tells me I'm unreasonable and that the gym is a place for him to think and sort things out etcetc.

 

He was supposed to come here a few weeks ago but that hit the fan as well. Now hopefully he'll be here in July for our three year together, but he either can't or won't find the time to even finalize dates with me so we can book the time off.

 

If he were here and this was happening I'd say screw it I'm done, but I can't. I love him, despite the crying my self to sleep every night, I love him, and he says he loves me and I know he does but I know that actions speak louder than words. I'm really at a loss. I know what I should do but I don't know if that hurt would be worse than this one.

 

I'm sorry for the rambling. Coherency isn't my strong suit right now.

[creighton0123]

First of all, he isn't doing all he can. That is a cop out. Unless he lives in the middle of no where in a third world country with no electricity or internet access, daily communication is a trivial matter, even if it is not live communication.

 

You are not asking for much: more communication here and there. Chances are you would be satisfied with a quick Skype call that lasts no more than a few minutes once a day. That is not unreasonable. In fact, it is an easy thing for him to do.

 

He seems to be taking absolutely no time to meet you in the middle.

 

You need to take some power back. Don't let him have this type of control over you. Make it clear to him in a calm and straightforward manner: If he cannot communicate to you like an adult in a romantic relationship, you will move on.

[Morai]

I would be satisfied with just hearing his voice for a few minutes, but I feel like no matter how many times I've said that it only gets worse.

 

I wrote him an email and made it clear that I wasn't trying to put everything on him or accuse him of anything. I asked him to think about whether or not our relationship is something he still wants.

 

Sat there for a little over a half hour bawling like an idiot trying to make myself hit send. I did eventually, but I really don't know what I'm going to do if he decides he can't balance work with our relationship and meet me half way.

 

I love him and am willing to quit school and move to be with him right now if that's what we decided, despite working my whole life for a degree and to make something of myself. I would be content working at a damn McDonalds the rest of my life if it meant I got to be with him.

[Morai]

Its now been 3 days and counting without so much as a word.

I can't decide if I should be worried or upset.

[Kuen]

Don't give too much emotions in your relationship because there are reasons that you will never understand right now in regards with his work but in time you know and understand things .

 

I know that you really love your man but it will not be good that you will sacrifice your education because you just want to be with him.

[LZ2000]

Hi, I'm just curious and I'd like to help out, how long would it be until your boyfriend comes back ?

[Morai]

Hi, I'm just curious and I'd like to help out, how long would it be until your boyfriend comes back ?

 

We've talked about him moving here when I'm done with school/ when I'm in my last year of school which is 1-2 years. But right now I'm not really sure if we're even together because It's going on a week without a word.

 

I just hope he's okay.

[LZ2000]

To be honest, even if he could not afford to have a short skype session with you, a simple email containing 3 sentences isn't hard to type. At the very least, he did sent something.

 

It's most likely the case that he has been bogged down by work or a sudden request to get some things done over at his side. And he kind of needs more time for himself, to do stuff for himself, which we all need to do for ourselves as well. Maybe you could send him an email or phone text, just SIMPLY asking how he is and that you love him.

[betterdeal]

"I miss you" can have a powerful effect.

[Star Gazer]

First of all, he isn't doing all he can. That is a cop out. Unless he lives in the middle of no where in a third world country with no electricity or internet access, daily communication is a trivial matter, even if it is not live communication.

 

You are not asking for much: more communication here and there. Chances are you would be satisfied with a quick Skype call that lasts no more than a few minutes once a day. That is not unreasonable. In fact, it is an easy thing for him to do.

 

I completely agree.

 

My SO is fighting a war in Afghanistan, and I get nearly daily, and substantial contact. The only time I don't hear from him is when he's off on a mission outside the wire nowhere near a phone or email. And quite frankly, in those circumstances, the last thing he should be doing is thinking about how to get in contact with me - he should be and needs to be focusing on his mission, as it's effing dangerous! And yet, the moment he gets back to base, he sends an email, gets on Skype, or calls me.

 

In a LDR, the basis of your relationship while you're long-distance is communication. Without it, you have nothing.

[Morai]

To be honest, even if he could not afford to have a short skype session with you, a simple email containing 3 sentences isn't hard to type. At the very least, he did sent something.

 

It's most likely the case that he has been bogged down by work or a sudden request to get some things done over at his side. And he kind of needs more time for himself, to do stuff for himself, which we all need to do for ourselves as well. Maybe you could send him an email or phone text, just SIMPLY asking how he is and that you love him.

 

I've emailed him twice and sent numerous text messages. He's either ignoring me or something bad has happened. He's never gone this long not talking to me when he was "just busy". I've been literally begging him to tell me if he's okay, I just want to know that he's okay. I can't imagine that after almost three years together, and talking about moving here and having a family one day that he would just up and ignore me. I know what we have/had is better than that. I'm so worried.

[LZ2000]

Morai, I would continue to post my thoughts about this, but it's getting late at where I am at, and I need to go to bed soon. Will post my thoughts on this matter tomorrow.

[HeavenOrHell]

In my experience LDR's won't work out if one or both are too busy/stressed to focus more on the r/ship. I've been through a similar thing with my partner, he's been so stressed out/wiped out from work he didn't have much left to give to us anymore, we had a break/split up but only for a few days as it wasn't really what we wanted. Things might not work out for us if his workload continues at the level it is, he will end up burning out. I'm busier than him now, but I'm only busy over Summer, I still make time to talk to him daily.

And no matter how busy/stressed with work my partner is, he does make time for daily contact and to support me when I need it, same as I support him. I think if your partner can't give enough time to the r/ship then it's not going to work out, something has to give. Surely he could give you 5 minutes a day on the phone, not much to ask, is it.

Is his work stressing him? Does he wish things were different, so that he could devote more time to the two of you again? My partner regrets making work his priority, and doesn't want it to screw us up but whether that will change or not I don't know. Whether he will feel able to change the situation, not an easy thing to change, not when you don't want to lose your job.

I would feel upset if he were finding time to go to the gym etc but not talking to me That's really horrible for you.

It is odd you've not heard from him at all the last few days, I hope he is all right, I hope he will contact you soon and let you know, if he's avoiding you and knowing that you're worried about him then that's pretty inconsiderate of him, you don't really need someone in your life who does that to you It's cruel of him if he's just stopped contact like that without talking to you first.

Let us know how things go, hope you're ok xx

 

Much like a few others that frequent this forum my boyfriend has been buried under work. We're six hours apart time zone wise and an 8 hour flight in reality. He works nights for his job so that just makes my situation so much harder.

 

I'm so frustrated and emotionally exhausted with all of this. I feel like I've bent so much to accommodate him that I might shatter eventually. He started his new position for his job a little more than a year ago. Prior to him taking the promotion we talked everyday. Every waking moment and even when we were asleep we left a skype call up. Now I barely get to hear his voice at all. We've had an hour or so long call maybe every few weeks. The texting is at a bear minimum and he often doesn't get back to me for hours or sometimes days.

 

I wouldn't be posting here if I hadn't talked to him about it first. I've told him I can't keep doing this, and nearly ended it in the middle of February. I miss him. He knows this. Almost every time I bring it up he gets extremely angry/ annoyed with me and that makes the communication even worse. Some times he tells me I'm being unreasonable and he's doing all he can, and other times he's apologetic and I feel like he understands me. But nothing has changed. I've been trying to communicate all of this with him since January, when our communication literally hit rock bottom.

 

I've tried giving him space to sort things out with his life so that hopefully he'd have more time, but it just made things worse. He's able to make time to go to the gym and play soccer but not for me it seems. I've brought this up what seems like a thousand times as well, but every time with the same result. He tells me I'm unreasonable and that the gym is a place for him to think and sort things out etcetc.

 

He was supposed to come here a few weeks ago but that hit the fan as well. Now hopefully he'll be here in July for our three year together, but he either can't or won't find the time to even finalize dates with me so we can book the time off.

 

If he were here and this was happening I'd say screw it I'm done, but I can't. I love him, despite the crying my self to sleep every night, I love him, and he says he loves me and I know he does but I know that actions speak louder than words. I'm really at a loss. I know what I should do but I don't know if that hurt would be worse than this one.

 

I'm sorry for the rambling. Coherency isn't my strong suit right now.

[Morai]

In my experience LDR's won't work out if one or both are too busy/stressed to focus more on the r/ship. I've been through a similar thing with my partner, he's been so stressed out/wiped out from work he didn't have much left to give to us anymore, we had a break/split up but only for a few days as it wasn't really what we wanted. Things might not work out for us if his workload continues at the level it is, he will end up burning out. I'm busier than him now, but I'm only busy over Summer, I still make time to talk to him daily.

And no matter how busy/stressed with work my partner is, he does make time for daily contact and to support me when I need it, same as I support him. I think if your partner can't give enough time to the r/ship then it's not going to work out, something has to give. Surely he could give you 5 minutes a day on the phone, not much to ask, is it.

Is his work stressing him? Does he wish things were different, so that he could devote more time to the two of you again? My partner regrets making work his priority, and doesn't want it to screw us up but whether that will change or not I don't know. Whether he will feel able to change the situation, not an easy thing to change, not when you don't want to lose your job.

I would feel upset if he were finding time to go to the gym etc but not talking to me That's really horrible for you.

It is odd you've not heard from him at all the last few days, I hope he is all right, I hope he will contact you soon and let you know, if he's avoiding you and knowing that you're worried about him then that's pretty inconsiderate of him, you don't really need someone in your life who does that to you It's cruel of him if he's just stopped contact like that without talking to you first.

Let us know how things go, hope you're ok xx

 

He's a high level manager at his job and I understand that he's busy and tired because working nights and dealing with his family wipes him out.

We talked about it and he apologized "its hard atm and honestly i should at least be able to do better and at least speak to you every few days. sorry" Were his exact words. We've been okay things weren't bad when he disappeared. We were talking about planning his visit while he was at work Monday night and I haven't heard from him since.

 

Its never been more than a day and a half or so. I really don't know what to do/ think. I don't want to think that something bad has happened to him or his family but I don't want to think he's ignoring me to intentionally hurt me either. Either way I'm devastated. I passed out at work this morning because I'd forgotten to eat for a day or so. I'm just a wreck. If he's done with us or whatever, I can deal with it. It will kill me inside but I can handle it, the not knowing though...

 

And a few second after I posted this I got a text. He left his phone when he went out of town to sort out his father's funeral etc arrangements. He dad was abusive and walked out of his life so its not any love lost for him. But I swear I would kill him myself right now if he were here. I'm so relieved he's okay.

Edited April 14, 2012 by Morai

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm glad you know he's ok now at least, he could have found another way to contact you though surely, he knew you'd be worried, but his head is probably all over the place after his father's death, even though his dad was abusive. My ex had an abusive parent and stopped contact with her, but I think her death would affect him still, a grieving for the love there should have been, and wasn't.

 

At least he realises he needs to put more into your r/ship, I hope he can turn things around and make you a priority before it's too late, and things were ok when he disappeared, so it sounds like there's hope.

 

Do take care of yourself though, and try to eat properly, hopefully you'll be feeling somewhat better after hearing from him.

 

 

He's a high level manager at his job and I understand that he's busy and tired because working nights and dealing with his family wipes him out.

We talked about it and he apologized "its hard atm and honestly i should at least be able to do better and at least speak to you every few days. sorry" Were his exact words. We've been okay things weren't bad when he disappeared. We were talking about planning his visit while he was at work Monday night and I haven't heard from him since.

 

Its never been more than a day and a half or so. I really don't know what to do/ think. I don't want to think that something bad has happened to him or his family but I don't want to think he's ignoring me to intentionally hurt me either. Either way I'm devastated. I passed out at work this morning because I'd forgotten to eat for a day or so. I'm just a wreck. If he's done with us or whatever, I can deal with it. It will kill me inside but I can handle it, the not knowing though...

 

And a few second after I posted this I got a text. He left his phone when he went out of town to sort out his father's funeral etc arrangements. He dad was abusive and walked out of his life so its not any love lost for him. But I swear I would kill him myself right now if he were here. I'm so relieved he's okay.

[befreckled]

I understand that every relationship is unique and after reading what you wrote, it feels that the relationship is imbalanced. You are available, ready to leap to action as soon as he is ready but perhaps you ought to consider tapering down your time available for him.

 

I say this some experience. A couple months ago, I felt that my boyfriend took our communication for granted. I was available online at work, at leisure and he went offline and online as he pleased. I decided to experiment with not being online as often - made plans with the girlfriends, brought my dog out for more walks, watched tv at home without feeling the need to be logged on. After a 3-4 day silence from my end, when I logged on again, he immediately texted me and while I know he isn't playing games with me...I know that it feels good to be missed.

 

Perhaps you should consider that. Allow him to miss you. If he is busy so be it, when he has time then let him come to you. Otherwise, reconsider the relationship in its totality. If he is able to live weeks on end without so much as a hello or check-in with his girlfriend then being in a relationship with him at this point in his life, is not what you need.