pinkbunni3xz Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 I'm feeling a bit lost right now. My boyfriend and I have been going out for over a year. We've had our share of ups and downs and it has been on and off over the last 12 months. The reason why I am feeling lost right now is because of a recent fight we had that caused me to just lash out and lose it and throw the "break up" line. I was just feeling so alone in this relationship and feeling like the only one trying. My boyfriend and I are extremely similar emotionally, and I find sometimes that's our strength but also our weakness. Sometimes when we both fall we can't be there for each other and help the other person up but tend to drag the person down further. I guess what drags us back every time is our love, acceptance and a huge capacity for understanding. When he gets down he just walks out on the relationship. Which means I don't hear from him for a while. That really frightens me and also I hate to be left hanging without even knowing whats going on with us. I told him I just want to be with him and when I said that it was totally impulsive and out of the moment. I wish he can forgive that I said that and move on because he has broken up with me so many times I and I have forgiven him each time he comes running back. I just feel so lonely and also scared that he hasn't called even though he said he needed a week to think. It's been over a week and my anxiety is starting to build and I don't know how much longer I can wait for.
Oxy Moronovich Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 Is this supposed to be in the coping or breaking up forum?
Philosoraptor Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 Sounds like a child who goes home when he doesn't get his way. Do you want to be with someone whom you are scared could walk away at any moment? That doesn't build a strong foundation for a relationship. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 Ups and downs in a relationship from a woman's mouth is basically saying that this guy tried to get away several times and end the relationship but whenever he has a weak moment he turns around and you're sitting there on the porch like a puppy waiting for him to hurry back and maybe this time...unlike the last 7 times, but maybe this time! he'll stay. I realize that this a completely emotional state on your part, but you need to realize that he doesn't want to be with you and just have an exclusive relationship. You bending and trying to mold around what he wants and then pick through all the things you have in common is like putting a band-aid on a gushing wound and you know it. Your insecurity, your inability to let go and move on without him is really why this relationship has even lasted this long...and because he's the typical man he's going to come back when life isn't going the way he wants it to. You're his crutch, your his safety net so he doesn't have to be alone when he doesn't want to be...but he doesn't love you enough to just want to be with you. As hurtful as it is that is the reality, you want the words to come out of his mouth then stop being in denial and press him for the real truth because most men will eventually crack under the pressure and tell you...even If it's just to get you off his back. Fact of the matter is though you don't really care, because without you being the glue then this wouldn't be in existence anyway and even so, If you'd like to blame him as well I'm sure It's his fault and doing, but you're the one leaving the door open and setting yourself up to be hurt...you can close the door and let him bang on it then walk away when it's not opening but that's a little too hard isn't it? because you "love" him. I'm fairly certain this isn't the kind of "love" you've always been searching for with a man, this is you settling and letting yourself become overwhelmed by your issues and insecurities, and because you know you're messed up you think that because he's messed up too you have a lot in common...sounds like a wonderful basis for a relationship. If you want to move forward then you're going to have to take responsibility from your end in this relationship and stop spinning yourself in circles because you're holding on to these ideas and beliefs that you somehow belong together when really you're just making each others lives worse, because you're both just feeding into a black hole of crappy issues. If you were to be a stronger woman then you would draw the line, determine that this isn't healthy and progressive in your life and that this has come to an end and fighting for this relationship is futile. Instead of once again freaking out over a guy leaving you, and no matter how much crap you talk or what he'd do to you you'd just let him walk right back in, so really what's the point of even opening your mouth and complaining when you don't do anything about it? Fixing yourself is the goal to your personal life, not expecting someone to fix you and be the piece of you that you feel can't repaired. You can help yourself and save yourself from this vicious cycle, and that's all dependent on you...stop expecting a man to come in and help fix that for you or with you..it just doesn't work that way, look around at you and others relationships, they are the same. Hopefully you'll do the right thing for yourself...but I wouldn't bet on it, but at least someone helped you see the writing on the wall so you can't say you didn't know any better. 1
NeverDated Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 You got some good insight from the other posters, especially Ninjainpajamas. My marriage was 10 years of very similar, and he hit the nail right on the head. The only disagreement I have is that your boyfriend probably does "want to be with you" (whatever that means in his mind), but it's on a very specific set on terms with a very narrow set of criteria for fulfilling them. Every time your boyfriend walks away, he's really putting you in a time-out. You change some behavior for him, he comes back, things are OK for a little while, he walks away again...it's a vicious cycle. You look at it as him "running back" to you, but really it's like an abusive parent buying their child a new toy after beating the snot out of them. You turned the tables and pulled out the break-up line, and that gets under his skin. He's the dominant one in your relationship. Since the break-up threat is akin to a time-out, the "child" in the relationship has threatened the "parent" with a punishment. The consequences are more severe. He will get over it if you apologize, beg, plead and degrade yourself enough, but that is not a good thing. Should you decide to place boundaries to save the relationship, things will improve temporarily. Within a few weeks or months, though, he'll become resentful of the boundaries and begin threatening to leave more often, become even more distant, and the "ups and downs" will be a constant state. He may even begin to show excessively controlling behavior - although I doubt he isn't already - to break the boundaries. By the time you're done with all this, you won't recognize yourself as an independent woman. You're in the process of remodeling yourself to his preference. Remember, though, he is not doing this to you. You are allowing, encouraging and enabling this dynamic, and are just as much responsible for it existing as he is.
Emilia Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 Should you decide to place boundaries to save the relationship, things will improve temporarily. Within a few weeks or months, though, he'll become resentful of the boundaries and begin threatening to leave more often, become even more distant, and the "ups and downs" will be a constant state. He may even begin to show excessively controlling behavior - although I doubt he isn't already - to break the boundaries. By the time you're done with all this, you won't recognize yourself as an independent woman. You're in the process of remodeling yourself to his preference. Remember, though, he is not doing this to you. You are allowing, encouraging and enabling this dynamic, and are just as much responsible for it existing as he is. All of this post but especially what I've quoted. He will not change OP, it doesn't matter why or when or how he does this. You should get yourself out of this relationship.
plastikation Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 when my boyfriend and I have a really heated argument, one of us will usually leave the house... to get some air, clear our heads, calm down and to be able to think by ourselves, to assess. It used to bother me when he left, but now I kinda think that it makes things better and more often than not, it allows us to make up that much faster. If my man was taking off and not coming back for days... that's a different story. Not only is that selfish, but that's very manipulative
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