After Dday Stories

[beenburned]

sky,

 

Your MM sounds unbelievably cruel!!

 

People like this deserve everything that comes to them in the end.

[wannabdone]

xMM left me a morning voicemail that he was “in a world of sh*t”. Turned out that his W had seen us getting into his car late the previous night (which was parked outside of their house). Even though we were there for 1½hrs, she never confronted us. She waited for MM to come inside and confronted him. My understanding of dday night was pretty much her accusing and questioning him and him denying and refusing to answer until she pretty much gave up. They next day, they had the “talk” which seemed to be more denials and refusals and shift-blaming and gaslighting by xMM. He refused to answer any questions about me, and didn’t seem in the least apologetic (of course you have to be guilty to apologize, and xMM was claiming innocent). He pretty much seemed to control dday while the W seemed kinda pathetic-like (no slam intended). He agreed to go to counseling, but reneged when she brought it up later.

 

Dday seemed to make xMM worse. He became more emotional and intent on professing his love for me. He’d forgo family getaways so I could stay with him and/or have me stay over much more frequently. He became riskier in his behavior of being detected and more blatant in his disregard towards his W. Admittedly, I felt a heightened sense of solidarity between him and me, like it was us against her.

 

We continued the A for 11mos after dday until I ended it. Dday had no “enlightening” affects on xMM. He mentioned his W told him that “he just didn’t understand the emotional rollercoaster she was on and he just wanted to act like nothing had happened” in which his loving response was that “he wasn’t going to just crawl into the corner and die…nor listen about this (the affair) for the rest of his life”. xMM was just happy that he had gotten away with things relatively easy and had no intentions of ever coming clean about the A. He really seemed pleased/amused/proud of being able to outwit or pull one over on her at times. It was really like he didn’t care about what he had done to her/them. When I asked if he was worried about her leaving he responded “if she was going to leave, she would’ve done it already”. I think she enabled him to continue (not that he’s not responsible for his own choices). I wonder how he would have reacted if she had put her foot down or gave him any real consequences.

 

 

Ive often wondered the same thing. My xMM always complained that his wife wanted him to "feel her pain"...to which he said there was no way he could. And she was always upset that he didn't crawl into a ball sobbing over what he had done to her.

 

However, she never made him pay... never kicked him out. Threatened, but all the while made excuses for him to stay. He caught on to this early. So her threats (just like mine), where never real. He had the best of both worlds. Ass.

[silktricks]

ahhhhh - D-Day. Whether or not we had one is arguable, I suppose. He told me about it, so it was a D-Day for me, but not for him. We had a "discussion" about what had happened and what was going to happen moving forward. Like Seren, my first question was: "Do you love her? and if you do, then go." He insisted that he didn't love her, would do anything to make our marriage work and prove that he would never make that "mistake" again.

 

I chose to attempt to work things out with him. It was a choice that I'm glad I made, as it is now 8 years later and we are not just good, we are great.

 

The OW attempted to make contact with him numerous times after being told he wanted no further contact, to the extent that he had to close his business email account and open a new one, as well as changing our home phone number (which he had never given her - but - the wonders of the Internet... ). Even as long as 6 years after the fact he received a mysterious "I love you and miss you" card.

 

A few years after the affair I commented that I was so glad we didn't end up divorced. He said, "I never would have divorced you." I didn't pop his balloon, but the fact is that because of the way he had been acting for far too long prior to his confession, I was on the verge of moving out, myself. When he told me of the affair, it was like Seren said - a light bulb went off in my brain.

 

We had a discussion the other day (triggered by a renewed health concern), and he said to me that after what happened that he realized he had to grow up. He couldn't act like a teenager any more with no concern for consequences.

 

Now... we love each other. Each day we thank God for another day that we are together, and another opportunity to make new good memories together. We both know that life is too short and too precarious to take chances with our happiness.

[beenburned]

After reading all of these replies it seems like the OW who keep hanging on really loved the MM.(and believed all his promises)

 

Maybe I am a little bit grateful that my H's flings were just sexual and we didn't have a bunny boiler on our hands.

 

I don't think I would have had the strength to deal with all those additional problems when I was still devastated after d-day.

[Breathless]

Esh - never spoke about or wrote about my DDay until now...my heart just started to race remembering that day.

 

My BH found text msgs on my phone and confronted me about it. I confessed to having an affair with my married coworker right then and there. I know that my BH called and spoke to xMM right after I confessed but as of today, I do not know what was said (I never asked but I could only imagine how the convo went). xMM told me that he confessed to his wife that same day and that she was angry (I'm assuming that is putting it mildly) but that she did not want to break up their family. He asked if I was ok, told me to try to get some rest and said goodnight. That was the last time I have ever heard from him - it's been 9 months of NC. My BH and I separated for 4 months and are committed to making our marriage work.

 

The day after DDay, I resigned from my job (at a company I have been with for over 12 years) for all the obvious reasons. But to be honest - I knew that I wasn't strong enough to see xMM and have him treat me like a stranger or even worse someone he detests or hates. Now with my new job, we practically have the same commute home. There have been times when we end up sitting at the same light awkwardly ignoring each other. He usually makes the next turn to take another way home from that point - maybe he is playing the gentleman and giving me a bit a peace or maybe he hates me and can't stand the sight of me who knows. But I've made the proper adjustments to my schedule to avoid seeing him. It doesn't help though - we still end up awkwardly ignoring each other at stop lights during random times of the day (our jobs require us both to be in the field for most of our day). My BH asked me once if I have heard from xMM or his W and when I said no, not since DDay. Strange enough - my BH had a look of pity on his face and said "Wow! No goodbye? No closure?" I think my BH slipped into the role of my Best Friend right then and there - He felt bad for me. But of course, he shook it off a second later and changed the subject.

 

I would have liked to have had a "goodbye" conversation with xMM for selfish reasons of course. But his decision to go immediate NC was the best thing for him and me. It gave us both a fighting chance to save our marriages and ourselves. I may have been ignorant to enter into an A but I am smart enough to understand that we can never be in each others lives again.

[wannabdone]

sky,

 

Your MM sounds unbelievably cruel!!

 

People like this deserve everything that comes to them in the end.

 

 

From your lips to God's ears.......PLEASE!!!

[wannabdone]

Esh - never spoke about or wrote about my DDay until now...my heart just started to race remembering that day.

 

My BH found text msgs on my phone and confronted me about it. I confessed to having an affair with my married coworker right then and there. I know that my BH called and spoke to xMM right after I confessed but as of today, I do not know what was said (I never asked but I could only imagine how the convo went). xMM told me that he confessed to his wife that same day and that she was angry (I'm assuming that is putting it mildly) but that she did not want to break up their family. He asked if I was ok, told me to try to get some rest and said goodnight. That was the last time I have ever heard from him - it's been 9 months of NC. My BH and I separated for 4 months and are committed to making our marriage work.

 

The day after DDay, I resigned from my job (at a company I have been with for over 12 years) for all the obvious reasons. But to be honest - I knew that I wasn't strong enough to see xMM and have him treat me like a stranger or even worse someone he detests or hates. Now with my new job, we practically have the same commute home. There have been times when we end up sitting at the same light awkwardly ignoring each other. He usually makes the next turn to take another way home from that point - maybe he is playing the gentleman and giving me a bit a peace or maybe he hates me and can't stand the sight of me who knows. But I've made the proper adjustments to my schedule to avoid seeing him. It doesn't help though - we still end up awkwardly ignoring each other at stop lights during random times of the day (our jobs require us both to be in the field for most of our day). My BH asked me once if I have heard from xMM or his W and when I said no, not since DDay. Strange enough - my BH had a look of pity on his face and said "Wow! No goodbye? No closure?" I think my BH slipped into the role of my Best Friend right then and there - He felt bad for me. But of course, he shook it off a second later and changed the subject.

 

I would have liked to have had a "goodbye" conversation with xMM for selfish reasons of course. But his decision to go immediate NC was the best thing for him and me. It gave us both a fighting chance to save our marriages and ourselves. I may have been ignorant to enter into an A but I am smart enough to understand that we can never be in each others lives again.

 

 

WOW! Breathless...THANK YOU for sharing this!!!!

[nofool4u]

sky,

 

Your MM sounds unbelievably cruel!!

 

People like this deserve everything that comes to them in the end.

 

And so do the people that were accomplices to their spouses betrayal and cruelty towards them.

[imperfectangel]

And so do the people that were accomplices to their spouses betrayal and cruelty towards them.

 

i dont think its fair to judge all om/ow like that a lot of the time they dont even know their ap is married.

[silktricks]

After reading all of these replies it seems like the OW who keep hanging on really loved the MM.(and believed all his promises)

 

Maybe I am a little bit grateful that my H's flings were just sexual and we didn't have a bunny boiler on our hands.

 

I don't think I would have had the strength to deal with all those additional problems when I was still devastated after d-day.

 

I think most of the time, just like BS who keep on taking back a serial cheater, people believe not necessarily what is in front of them, but rather what they WANT to believe. It's easy to blame everything on the MM, but these extra-marital triangles are not cast in one mold. Some MM make promises, some OW really love the MM - sometimes it's none of the above. There aren't any easy answers, nor easy solutions.

[Got it]

I think what most people object to is some AP's lack of humility after stories like yours, not the fact that stories like yours happen.

 

Things such as continuing to bash the BS years after betraying her or the childish "victory lap" mentality is what puts a foul taste in people's mouths.

 

I can't speak for others but there was little bashing about his ex wife especially during the affair. Of course, quite predictably, she was not a fan of the idea of us, was definitely not a fan at all about us being back together and I don't believe is a fan as of today. So as one could assume, the divorce was not amicable and so there were things said between him and her that were not . . . friendly at times.

 

She and I have never spoken.

 

While I absolutely adore and love the man and vice versa, it has come with its costs and after a dday a lot of pain for many people. I have never discovered a way to amend for that and I really don't think there actually is. I know this woman hates me, I am sure with every fiber of her being. I hope she is able to move to indifference for her sake but I know that any amicability would be a testament to her more than me. I am sorry for the pain I caused her. Obviously not enough to stop loving/being with him and that has always been where the crux of it lies. And for that, there is nothing much I can say or do.

 

While there are horror stories about OW they aren't all like the example above. Many are like me who didn't hate the wife, didn't bash the wife, or has victory laps. What can be perceived as such, as I would wage that his ex would tell you I may have done the above, just for the sheer fact of still being present in his life. We have never spoken, we have never communicated at all, but I would wager to bet that she would claim something close to the above because I am still around, we are still thriving, and things haven't fallen down around us.

[Fitz]

I can't speak for others but there was little bashing about his ex wife especially during the affair. Of course, quite predictably, she was not a fan of the idea of us, was definitely not a fan at all about us being back together and I don't believe is a fan as of today. So as one could assume, the divorce was not amicable and so there were things said between him and her that were not . . . friendly at times.

 

She and I have never spoken.

 

While I absolutely adore and love the man and vice versa, it has come with its costs and after a dday a lot of pain for many people. I have never discovered a way to amend for that and I really don't think there actually is. I know this woman hates me, I am sure with every fiber of her being. I hope she is able to move to indifference for her sake but I know that any amicability would be a testament to her more than me. I am sorry for the pain I caused her. Obviously not enough to stop loving/being with him and that has always been where the crux of it lies. And for that, there is nothing much I can say or do.

 

While there are horror stories about OW they aren't all like the example above. Many are like me who didn't hate the wife, didn't bash the wife, or has victory laps. What can be perceived as such, as I would wage that his ex would tell you I may have done the above, just for the sheer fact of still being present in his life. We have never spoken, we have never communicated at all, but I would wager to bet that she would claim something close to the above because I am still around, we are still thriving, and things haven't fallen down around us.

 

Don't mean to derail the thread, but I'm curious, -GotIt:

 

Are you the same age as the ex-wife? Younger? Older?

And how old is your man? Is there an age gap between you?

 

Also, do either of you or your new man have children from before you got together?

[Got it]

Gotit of course the BS will see your waking up with him as an everyday victory lap. Every time you think how lucky you are to have him it's at her expense. That doesn't make her bitter IMHO it makes her realistic. The trick is not to obsess over it. I know xOW obsesses over me because she still writes emails referring to things I've done in my life (work achievements, study, whatever) that show she is taking every piece of info and analyzing. She sees every day I have with H as stolen from her. Seriously! I mean it's funny. But it would be very true for a BS.

 

I am not bothered by the fact some like you end up together except for the injustice that lying and cheating shouldn't be rewarded with happiness in my moral compass. But hey I'm not close enough to you to be bothered. The only thing that gets to me sometimes (and I ask you're forgive me this one) is that it sets up this expectation/sense of entitlement for other mistresses to all think they will be in the 1%. KWIM?

 

You must know the odds are low. Many are not on the solid ground with MM that they thought. Many end up cheated on themselves (the "what did you expect?" karma bus), many just have trust issues or find out the AP isn't as good FT as part time. So to encourage people "hey don't give up you're just like me and it will be wonderful!" would be both cruel to all involved and silly and I know you dont do that! I'm not suggesting you do. But it does irritate many Bs I think that you get used as the example of what they *will* be like.

 

It's like all little girls who do ballet think they will be in the best ballet company one day... Except these aren't harmless aspirations o f little girls.

 

1. Actually, my thoughts and experience, there are far more OP than are known. There are many divorces that happen without it being found out and so that number is a silly number. One, the 3 percent is based on a very small study plus only measuring those that divorced ,married their OP adn were still married five years later; two, many people never disclose. I am not aware of your 1% but really the % is actually unknown. Also there is an assumption that all OP want their MP to divorce. That is not the case. There are many who are happy with the EMR, happy with the arrangement, are are either married themselves or are single but happy with the way things are.

 

2. At her expense? Okay . . . . I also know in my case there is the issue of an affair on her side as well so a more leveling of playing fields. Doesn't make it fair or right but it does play a factor.

 

3. I never said she was bitter. I am not sure if realistic is the right word either. But I can't say.

 

4. The odds are low in all dating relationships so yes I am well aware that the odds of an EMR to result in divorce and then a partnership that is long term is less likely.

 

5. What I know is how we approached our relationship and how we have continued to approach it. I am under no illusion that we are carved in stone, are only meant for each other, soul mates, etc. I actually don't believe in those things. I do know our EMR was somewhat less common based on the amount time and communication we had. And also that it was a lot of just timing. As with many things in life, it is a lot of timing.

 

What I don't believe is that affairs can't become healthy happy relationships whether it is as an affair, or because they become single or married themselves.But I don't believe all will.

 

Now whether someone sees my story as something to dream about, well, even without my story hope will always spring enternal. That is just human nature.

[Got it]

Don't mean to derail the thread, but I'm curious, -GotIt:

 

Are you the same age as the ex-wife? Younger? Older?

And how old is your man? Is there an age gap between you?

 

Also, do either of you or your new man have children from before you got together?

 

We are not the same age but close.

He is older than both of us but close

There is a larger age gap between dMM and I but again it is all pretty close.

He has children with his exwife.

[nofool4u]

i dont think its fair to judge all om/ow like that a lot of the time they dont even know their ap is married.

 

Oh no, I know there is a difference between someone who didn't know of the MM/MW's marital status.

 

But once they know, thats when they need to dump the MM/MW flat. I don't care for the excuses that they are now in too deep emotionally with the MM/MW. The MM/MW are liars, cheaters.