After Dday Stories

[despicableME]

However, we both know that there are some, and some OW/OM that come on here to just bash one another.

 

No doubt about that. There are some posters who project their own situations on a WS, but that comes with the territory.

 

 

I think I hold the record on Post-D-day story length (1.5 year !)

 

I'm confused... do you mean you were still in the affair 1.5 years after it came out?

[East7]

I'm confused... do you mean you were still in the affair 1.5 years after it came out?

 

No. We we agreed to go NC after the A ended but she couldn't help contacting me and tell me how she missed me etc. Sometimes I just ignored, sometimes I answered. We would exchange some news and then go NC again. It is called low contact and it lasted 1.5 years ! Now we are strict NC for good.

[FightClub]

East,

 

That's probably the most painful part, knowing at some level you want to believe that something has changed and then realizing nothing has truly changed, well, she hasn't changed, just more confused and indecisive of what she wanted.

 

Of course, she clearly wanted the marriage or she would have left at some point, all those feelings aren't worth much if there is no action.

 

I'm glad I didn't have to face constant contact after the affair was over, I don't think emotionally I could go on a roller-coaster like that after crossing so many boundaries.

 

I think the best thing for anyone out of it to realize is that it's over, they are gone and you are here to move forward, the past is only in our mind, it's the future and what we do with all the knowledge and experience that matter in the end.

 

Never again, that's my outlook, once was painful enough for me to realize when it's time to throw in the towel and move on.

 

-FC

[seren]

DDay was when H told me that he had been seeing OW for 8 months. I said if he loved her then he should go, that I would help untangle our life, finances, house etc, this sounds as though I was all cool, calm and collected, I wasn't. But, I never asked him to stay, just told him I loved him and just wanted him to be happy, again sounds calm, but inside I was running around in my head screaming WTF and asking myself how I had missed this.

 

H told me he loved me, didn't want to lose me and couldn't imagine life without us. I told him he had to let OW know, he didn't want to speak with her, TBH, I found that so cowardly and told him so. When OW rang I answered, it was her belief that I was stopping H speaking to her and she couldn't believe I wasn't pulling his strings, she said she knew him, I said that if she really knew him she would know that H avoids conflict like the plague and that it was always me that sorted out any problems in our life. H's A wasn't for love, there wasn't a great deal of sex, and all A's are different and so each WS response to a D Day will be different. However I am not sure that each BS experiences D Day very differently.

 

The days and weeks after were taken up with getting the truth, slowly, and putting the A jigsaw together so I could make a decision about what next. H was prepared to do anything to make it right. I know there was NC as OW kept ringing looking for answers, closure. he was back on camp so it was me she spoke to. I told H that I needed him to look at why he thought it OK to have an A and to ask himself if he was prepared for a rough ride.

 

Of course there is what is known as HB, there is also a lot of, we almost lost each other (well there was for us) and a lot of tears and times when I wondered what I was doing, I was one of those it will never happen to us and if it does I will walk people. D Day is like a storm, hurricane, typhoon, tsunami of emotions all in one big swoop, afterwards is exhausting, leaves you drained but for us it was also a time for thinking how glad we were that we had survived. We didn't speak too much about OW as she had no part in our reconciliation, our focus was where it should have been all along, on us and our marriage.

 

For what it's worth, I tried to get him to speak with OW so she could have closure, he refused and would have nothing to do with her. I couldn't understand that, still don't. Had H loved her, I wouldn't have stayed and really wouldn't have made life difficult, I just wanted him to be happy, if not with me then with another, but I sure as hell wouldn't beg.

Not sure what you want to know and am wary of saying too much incase it hurts someone who is posting in pain. Maybe ask specific questions.

[wannabdone]

DDay was when H told me that he had been seeing OW for 8 months. I said if he loved her then he should go, that I would help untangle our life, finances, house etc, this sounds as though I was all cool, calm and collected, I wasn't. But, I never asked him to stay, just told him I loved him and just wanted him to be happy, again sounds calm, but inside I was running around in my head screaming WTF and asking myself how I had missed this.

 

H told me he loved me, didn't want to lose me and couldn't imagine life without us. I told him he had to let OW know, he didn't want to speak with her, TBH, I found that so cowardly and told him so. When OW rang I answered, it was her belief that I was stopping H speaking to her and she couldn't believe I wasn't pulling his strings, she said she knew him, I said that if she really knew him she would know that H avoids conflict like the plague and that it was always me that sorted out any problems in our life. H's A wasn't for love, there wasn't a great deal of sex, and all A's are different and so each WS response to a D Day will be different. However I am not sure that each BS experiences D Day very differently.

 

The days and weeks after were taken up with getting the truth, slowly, and putting the A jigsaw together so I could make a decision about what next. H was prepared to do anything to make it right. I know there was NC as OW kept ringing looking for answers, closure. he was back on camp so it was me she spoke to. I told H that I needed him to look at why he thought it OK to have an A and to ask himself if he was prepared for a rough ride.

 

Of course there is what is known as HB, there is also a lot of, we almost lost each other (well there was for us) and a lot of tears and times when I wondered what I was doing, I was one of those it will never happen to us and if it does I will walk people. D Day is like a storm, hurricane, typhoon, tsunami of emotions all in one big swoop, afterwards is exhausting, leaves you drained but for us it was also a time for thinking how glad we were that we had survived. We didn't speak too much about OW as she had no part in our reconciliation, our focus was where it should have been all along, on us and our marriage.

 

For what it's worth, I tried to get him to speak with OW so she could have closure, he refused and would have nothing to do with her. I couldn't understand that, still don't. Had H loved her, I wouldn't have stayed and really wouldn't have made life difficult, I just wanted him to be happy, if not with me then with another, but I sure as hell wouldn't beg.

Not sure what you want to know and am wary of saying too much incase it hurts someone who is posting in pain. Maybe ask specific questions.

 

 

I think what you posted was amazing. And I think you are an amazing woman. I just want to help ppl see that when they might be hearing "my wife is making it impossible, she won't let me see my kids, she's controlling me, blah blah blah"... that they realize there might very well be a different scenerio going on at the house, and often times is. Its often the man begging and pleading to stay.

 

I think a lot of times not really knowing the other side, makes it easy to stay and take them back, because you can come up with so many different things in your head that are so far from the truth.

 

Thank you seren. Your H is a lucky man.

[2sure]

After the final D-Day, what happened was exactly what I told him would happen

after the previous D-Day. I left him and took everything but his childhood memories.

 

Still, he was surprised.

[wannabdone]

After the final D-Day, what happened was exactly what I told him would happen

after the previous D-Day. I left him and took everything but his childhood memories.

 

Still, he was surprised.

 

 

OMG.... 2sure. You are so funny... your quote made me lmao.

[Got it]

I wanted to post a thread since this portion of the board seems to be more and more ingrained with BS's and I have learned a lot from them. I know some of us after Dday's have continued to see the xMM/xMW, whether it be right after or a month later.

 

And I am sure the stories we hear are pretty much the same. So, I tought as OW/OM we could share our stories for what we hear from the WS after Dday, and maybe the BS's could chime in and give us their stories after Dday. Maybe through this we all could get some truth of it.

 

How did he/she act? What changed? When did you see real improvement., etc etc.

 

Lets work together on this, shall we and help eachother.

 

I don't think many BS' will like my story but here goes.

 

Dday happened due to evidence found. Things blew up, he did not make a decision in a timely manner, I broke up with him as he needed to figure out what he wanted. We were broken up for a few months, and then I got a letter from him stating he loved me and what he was going to do/had done to meet my expectations. He put them in action. He is divorced and we have been together for a number of years now.

[bentnotbroken]

After the final D-Day, what happened was exactly what I told him would happen

after the previous D-Day. I left him and took everything but his childhood memories.

 

Still, he was surprised.

That is some funny shiggity. :lmao::lmao:

[donnamaybe]

I don't think many BS' will like my story but here goes.

 

Dday happened due to evidence found. Things blew up, he did not make a decision in a timely manner, I broke up with him as he needed to figure out what he wanted. We were broken up for a few months, and then I got a letter from him stating he loved me and what he was going to do/had done to meet my expectations. He put them in action. He is divorced and we have been together for a number of years now.

Why should anyone "not like your story?" I think what irks people the most is the sneaking and lying and the enabling thereof. Making a damn decision, for gawd's sake, is a good thing.

[wannabdone]

Why should anyone "not like your story?" I think what irks people the most is the sneaking and lying and the enabling thereof. Making a damn decision, for gawd's sake, is a good thing.

 

 

I TOTALLY AGREE! People do M the wrong people. People do fall in love with others. its how you handle that is the key. He loved you, and he left. I applaud him for not continuing the lies. And I applaud you for your honesty.

[despicableME]

I think what people hate even more is the "cake-eating."

[donnamaybe]

I think what people hate even more is the "cake-eating."

 

The shorter term for "sneaking and lying and the enabling thereof."

[wannabdone]

The shorter term for "sneaking and lying and the enabling thereof."

 

 

narcassism, perhaps?

[seren]

I think what people hate even more is the "cake-eating."

 

Couldn't agree with this more, for me, D Day was almost a relief, I wasn't going mad, he hadn't been taken over by brain stealing aliens, the silent phone calls from OW were not by an unhinged sex pest. It all, in one fell, awful sentence made sense.

 

The lies told to keep the A secret are so dammed awful, a WS tells the OW, she thinks I have gone to the shops, sounds simple, what has really happened is that the BS has maybe said I'll come too, he has started an argument to stop this, he leaves stage left, BW is left thinking WTF have I done now and because she believes her MM and loves him, takes all the blame for the imaginary excuse all on herself. Multiply this by everytime and you have a BS who is running around thinking she is going mad. I used that analogy as it seems so incongrous, but the damage caused by the constant gaslighting is so, so corrosive.

 

A D Day levels the playing field as in suddenly everyone has a choice to make, for the BS, it is an informed choice, finally. The stay or go ultimatum by many a BS has the WS have to think about what they have been doing. Had my H decided to leave, then I would have wished him well, missed him every day of my life, but the break from thinking I had been taken over by brain changing aliens and was imagining H's personality change was like having a weight lifted. It is why I always say if you are attracted to someone enough to risk hurting your wife or husband then at least give them the courtesy of dignity and respect and leave before turning their world upside down.

 

BS are real people too, to be hurt by someone just because you love them enough to love and trust them is cruel, a D Day at least is honest.

[Gentlegirl2]

I know that xMM's wife left a number of unanswered calls on his phone one day when he was talking to me. After that he was unable to phone me for a very long time. I knew it was time to go NC . A few months later a relative of mine came across xMM with his W and made some remarks that caused more problems.

 

I have recently been in contact with xMM. He really didn't tell me a lot more. It seems his wife thought somebody was trying to have an A with him... I read that as him telling her somebody was pursuing him and she wouldn't leave him alone.

 

He said that things were not sorted out and probably never would be completely. He said he had admitted nothing but his wife doesn't buy it...

 

That's all I know. My thoughts are that he lied his head off and blamed "somebody" who would not leave him alone.

 

Rick Fox... good on ya mate!!!

 

GG

[donnamaybe]

narcassism, perhaps?

 

Yep, and someone to feed it.

[Got it]

Why should anyone "not like your story?" I think what irks people the most is the sneaking and lying and the enabling thereof. Making a damn decision, for gawd's sake, is a good thing.

 

Okay. Got it.

[beenburned]

Thank you for starting this great thread! And to the FWS's/OW for what they experienced after d-day.

 

My d-day was almost exactly like Seren's story! I was lied to and gaslighted for almost 5 years before finding out the truth.

 

It was such a relief to realize I was not crazy or imagining things! It was almost like an instant light bulb went on in my head, so I could clearly see why he was acting like an alien.

 

I immediately left with my young kids to stay at my parents house, as I definitely wanted a divorce. It was about a month later, after not having any contact with H at all, that he came begging me to take him back.

 

The only reason I gave him a second chance at all were mainly for my young kids, and because both sets of parents were urging us to try and reconcile.

 

But like others here I had a plan set up in case it didn't work out.(I was a SAHM on d-day) I got a job and started going to college at night. Saving all money for a future as a single mom.

 

By the time, years later, when I finished and had a good job with benefits, I didn't have any reason to divorce him. He had stayed true to his word and all promises of changed behavior. Our marriage was truly on the right path of total reconciliation.

 

As I look back with hindsight, and the knowledge of how few marriages make it in the long run successfully, I am in awe that we both made it happen.

[wannabdone]

Thank you for starting this great thread! And to the FWS's/OW for what they experienced after d-day.

 

My d-day was almost exactly like Seren's story! I was lied to and gaslighted for almost 5 years before finding out the truth.

 

It was such a relief to realize I was not crazy or imagining things! It was almost like an instant light bulb went on in my head, so I could clearly see why he was acting like an alien.

 

I immediately left with my young kids to stay at my parents house, as I definitely wanted a divorce. It was about a month later, after not having any contact with H at all, that he came begging me to take him back.

 

The only reason I gave him a second chance at all were mainly for my young kids, and because both sets of parents were urging us to try and reconcile.

 

But like others here I had a plan set up in case it didn't work out.(I was a SAHM on d-day) I got a job and started going to college at night. Saving all money for a future as a single mom.

 

By the time, years later, when I finished and had a good job with benefits, I didn't have any reason to divorce him. He had stayed true to his word and all promises of changed behavior. Our marriage was truly on the right path of total reconciliation.

 

As I look back with hindsight, and the knowledge of how few marriages make it in the long run successfully, I am in awe that we both made it happen.

 

 

THIS is awesome! What a strong woman. You didn't just take it, you changed it, and became stronger in the long run, in more ways than one.

 

Thank you for sharing BB. You know that your one of my fav's on here.

[wannabdone]

Yep, and someone to feed it.

 

 

ABSOLUTELY! And one of the hardest things I had to realize in my therapy that I was such an enabler. OUCH. I really had to take a look at me and realize... its not just by chance that I ended up with this sociopath, I fed his ability to be one. And that made me sick. And I had convinced myself I was helping this poor soul.

[donnamaybe]

ABSOLUTELY! And one of the hardest things I had to realize in my therapy that I was such an enabler. OUCH. I really had to take a look at me and realize... its not just by chance that I ended up with this sociopath, I fed his ability to be one. And that made me sick. And I had convinced myself I was helping this poor soul.

But now you are here helping others and being a good example of taking on one's life from a standpoint of strength.

[mercy]

ABSOLUTELY! And one of the hardest things I had to realize in my therapy that I was such an enabler. OUCH. I really had to take a look at me and realize... its not just by chance that I ended up with this sociopath, I fed his ability to be one. And that made me sick. And I had convinced myself I was helping this poor soul.

 

Isn't it just awful the lies we tell ourselves. Shame on us. If only we could be as loving and kind to ourselves as we are towards undeserving others. But when we know better, we do better. And you are finally 'getting it'. Feels great, doesn't it?

 

For what it's worth I think you are pretty darn special.

[skylarblue]

xMM left me a morning voicemail that he was “in a world of sh*t”. Turned out that his W had seen us getting into his car late the previous night (which was parked outside of their house). Even though we were there for 1½hrs, she never confronted us. She waited for MM to come inside and confronted him. My understanding of dday night was pretty much her accusing and questioning him and him denying and refusing to answer until she pretty much gave up. They next day, they had the “talk” which seemed to be more denials and refusals and shift-blaming and gaslighting by xMM. He refused to answer any questions about me, and didn’t seem in the least apologetic (of course you have to be guilty to apologize, and xMM was claiming innocent). He pretty much seemed to control dday while the W seemed kinda pathetic-like (no slam intended). He agreed to go to counseling, but reneged when she brought it up later.

 

Dday seemed to make xMM worse. He became more emotional and intent on professing his love for me. He’d forgo family getaways so I could stay with him and/or have me stay over much more frequently. He became riskier in his behavior of being detected and more blatant in his disregard towards his W. Admittedly, I felt a heightened sense of solidarity between him and me, like it was us against her.

 

We continued the A for 11mos after dday until I ended it. Dday had no “enlightening” affects on xMM. He mentioned his W told him that “he just didn’t understand the emotional rollercoaster she was on and he just wanted to act like nothing had happened” in which his loving response was that “he wasn’t going to just crawl into the corner and die…nor listen about this (the affair) for the rest of his life”. xMM was just happy that he had gotten away with things relatively easy and had no intentions of ever coming clean about the A. He really seemed pleased/amused/proud of being able to outwit or pull one over on her at times. It was really like he didn’t care about what he had done to her/them. When I asked if he was worried about her leaving he responded “if she was going to leave, she would’ve done it already”. I think she enabled him to continue (not that he’s not responsible for his own choices). I wonder how he would have reacted if she had put her foot down or gave him any real consequences.

[wannabdone]

Isn't it just awful the lies we tell ourselves. Shame on us. If only we could be as loving and kind to ourselves as we are towards undeserving others. But when we know better, we do better. And you are finally 'getting it'. Feels great, doesn't it?

 

For what it's worth I think you are pretty darn special.

 

Ah, thx Mercy. Same here... I think your amazing!!!

 

And YES it feels GREAT!!! :bunny: