After Dday Stories

[wannabdone]

I wanted to post a thread since this portion of the board seems to be more and more ingrained with BS's and I have learned a lot from them. I know some of us after Dday's have continued to see the xMM/xMW, whether it be right after or a month later.

 

And I am sure the stories we hear are pretty much the same. So, I tought as OW/OM we could share our stories for what we hear from the WS after Dday, and maybe the BS's could chime in and give us their stories after Dday. Maybe through this we all could get some truth of it.

 

How did he/she act? What changed? When did you see real improvement., etc etc.

 

Lets work together on this, shall we and help eachother.

[MissBee]

I didn't have a dday. I often wonder if at some point she found out and that fueled his alleged altruistic decision to disappear Up until recently when he came back he said nothing of the sort occurred and he did it for me .. I smell bull but no dday occurred that I was a part of and was included in.

 

My immediate response is how can anyone continue an A after dday, especially if one was denied etc? This is if you actually love this man and want to be with him..as if you don't, then I guess maybe it wouldn't offend you deeply as you'd have that understanding that it's only an A and deny deny deny is the motto....but if you actually come to find out discrepancies during dday or get thrown under the proverbial bus, I wonder how you continue the A later and not feel turned off.

 

Perhaps I am speaking from my non-A-fog-free mentality now lol, and maybe I would have resumed it too back then if he talked me into it and made promises and rationalizations that I wanted to believe. But since it didn't happen, I am not sure.

[FightClub]

No D-Day here either, just a silent end to the affair.

 

I can only assume based on the last message from exMW almost a year ago, that nothing really changed, that they were essentially right back to where they were slightly before/during the EA.

 

I suspect on a deeper level, something inside changed, something had to change within the dynamic. I can't imagine she was able to keep the the post-affair secret to herself without it affecting some part of the marriage as whole.

 

So, honestly, no idea...curious to hear other experiences.

 

-FC

Edited April 11, 2012 by FightClub

[SidLyon]

I am a BW and there was a d-day. I found undeniable e-mails so there was no question of my WH denying the years long A. He was at work when I found them. Basically I'd become suspicious a few days earlier and went digging and found a secret e-mail account.

 

He came home from work and confessed to other more minor infidelities (eg online chatting) during our 15 year marriage.

 

I was in total shock and actually didn't know what to do. He had obviously had a lot more time to prepare for this eventuality, but he appeared almost as shocked as me.

 

I remember me saying something to the effect of "are you going to end the A?" and him practically begging me not to throw him out and saying "I'll do anything including end the affair but please don't end our marriage".

 

He then drafted an e-mail to her telling her I'd found out and that they were not to have any further contact. Several weeks later I found out that he had e-mailed her again from work and they'd had a telephone conversation. He claimed he was letting her down lightly but from reading the e-mail it could be interpreted as keeping the door open. I was devastated all over again and he ended it for good after that.

 

A few months later she tried again to contact him by phone. He said he told her no way and he immediately told me about it. She apparently hung up the phone on him.

 

Somehow I doubt they'll have any further contact especially as we now know she was having an A with another MM at the same time. This other guy left his BW for the OW and they are now going through what must be the messiest family breakup and property settlement ever.

[frozensprouts]

our situation was a little different.

 

a new woman had started working where he did, and one evening, he got an email from her saying she had a problem and asking him to meet with her to talk about it. That seemed inappropriate, so he told her they could talk about it at work( he showed me the emails at the time).

 

next thing I new, they were chatting online every night for a few hours, and finally i was sick of it and I asked him to stop. During that time, he'd gone from being happy with me to a real grouch, short tempered, etc. he said he would, but that he wanted to take her out for coffee and explain it to her since she was a "friend" (piffle!) . Next thing I knew, he was telling me he was unhappy, he "loved me but wasn't in love with me" ( who came up with that line anyway? why is it so popular?) and he moved out to go "stay with a friend" ( her).

That lasted about six weeks, during which he'd waffle back and forth and I stayed at home with our kids trying to keep everything together. I tried very hard to be understanding and give him space,but finally I'd had enough. i was so worn out and tired and sad, and I realized I couldn't go on like that. I told him that if being with her was what made him happy then that's what he should do ( told he that too). All of a sudden, he broke up with her and was wanting to move back home.

After that, I started getting emails from her saying I must hate her, and that the affair was my fault,and her being hurt was my fault. I replied and told told her that I didn't hate her, but that she needed to own her own actions and move on and find someone unattached and be happy. I also asked her to leave us alone, if not for me,then for our kids who didn't deserve to be dragged through any of this. ( lots more went on from her after that, but that doesn't belong here)

My husband and I was a lot of counseling, and he had counseling on his own with a psychiatrist and social worker, and things are better now.

 

interestingly, my husband told me that at the time when he was emailing and chatting online with her, he never really realized he was cheating until their emotional affair was well underway. He figured they were just friends, but that it got out of hand and he should have stopped it long before that ever happened. He's told me that looking back, he doesn't really understand the choices he was making, or really why he made them, but that at the time, they must have made sense.

[RickFox]

After dday we saw each other for another month I think it was and then she started pushing me away, telling me she wasn't a good person, that she'd done bad things, that she needed to try and make her marriage work and I told her goodbye. She then bombarded me with at least seven rapid fire texts telling me at first to not respond then begged me to respond at which point I didn't.

 

Finally I did and then when she knew she still had me she started being abrupt with me. Last summer we spoke briefly but only because she wanted to know what I said to a mutual acquaintance as I contacted that person and told her how depressed I was that it went the way it did. She told me that she missed my voice, still knew my rotating work schedule, and said she watched me leave to go to work sometimes by waiting at the edge of the neighborhood....and later on she called me a stalker...twice! She cut me out completely, told me that they magically reconnected, and every time I did try to talk to her, she was cold and unemotional.

 

The last time we spoke, after I baited her on fb, I thought there was something still there and she flirted then hit me with, "I don't want to go down that road again or lead you to believe I do" and I never once said anything to that effect, just responded to her lead..... She seemed to bounce back and forth and then basically told me off and we haven't spoken since, and for the first time in a while, Im good with that.

 

When I have seen her at the school where our kids go, she refuses to look at me, it used to bother me but now I think of how truly juvenile it is and it makes me chuckle. She acts like Im not there and for a while, I was out of sight and mind, picking up my daughter on the other side of the school and leaving unseen.

 

Im doing much much better now, Im being a husband again to my wife, slowly picking up the pieces, being a better father to my daughter and I have FINALLY stopped letting exMW run my life so to speak. I have gone back to the front of the school to pick my kid up, I said to myself, why am I letting her dictate where I go and what I do and I walk in and get my lil girl and I leave the same way. I don't look her way and I don't care if she looks mine.

 

She showed me everything I needed to see in the end, showed me how unimportant I was to her, how the word love can be thrown out there and have no meaning behind it, how I was just a piece of, well you know, while she got hers and then ran back home once we were discovered.

 

My wife and I are doing much better, Im finding her all over again, but she still thinks my exMW will return at some point and me, well, I tell her it doesn't matter, we shall cross that bridge when and IF it comes to it.

 

I used to wonder big time if she'd ever contact me again, but I don't think she will, not after how she treated me, I realize now what I was to her was not what she was to me...I see that...I see her cruelty and if she did come back, as much as I cared for her, loved her, how she decided to treat me, that's the deal breaker right there.... My wife on the other hand, she showed me how much she truly loved me, loved me so much she was willing to let me go, but she fought for me as well....

 

I still have a lot of work to do, on my marriage, on myself....but I'm getting there. Im thankful for the second chance and Im busting my a** to show it.

[Owl]

What WOULD you do if xMW were to offer to resume the affair, RF?

[U472439]

Dday was: she texted me "secret's out", I think on a Weds or Thurs. I was pretty surprised, asked if she could talk, and she called me later that night. I remember telling her on the call that I wasn't going anywhere, and if she needed to stay here, she could. She seemed appreciative of that.

 

We last saw each other on that Friday, she came over, we had sex, we hung out after a little longer than usual. She left to go to a concert in the city with her friend, and called me later in the night. She ended the call with "I love you" and I said it back to her too.

 

The next day, she called me, sounding not so sweet, and said she needed to cut off contact with me for now while she worked things out for herself. My initial thought was that she'd probably been psyching herself up for the conversation a while beforehand. I agreed with her, but was sad. That's the last time I heard from her, about a month (?) ago.

 

It didn't take me long to:

- find LS

- delete her contact info

- notice she'd deleted her facebook profile

 

The whole thing just ended, like a puff of smoke. I don't really have any idea what she's doing now, or the state of her M.

 

I do still think about her, but it's not really with rose-colored glasses (and it never really was). I wonder how she's doing, or if she still thinks about me. But I don't miss her in the same way I did when we were apart during the A. I've already started going on other dates, living my back-to-normal life for the most part. And I feel stronger about myself in general.

 

It's weird, the whole memory of the A is shrouded in black, behind a veil of discomfort, shame, sadness, loss of itegrity/innocence. But now, I feel like it would take a hell of a lot to knock me off balance like that again. I like to think nothing could.

[bentnotbroken]

For me there were two d-days; the one where I found the hotel receipt in his coat pocket and then went looking for other evidence(BOOM! hundreds of emails.) Because I'm not the most computer savvy person there is, he believed I was too stupid to figure out his passwords(same one for all accounts:rolleyes:, me stupid...really:p). I called up a girlfriend and we printed all the emails, pictures, phone records, credit card bills and bank statements. She found a lawyer for me(real gooood lawyer) and I dried all my tears and started to plan. I knew the OW but not her BS. I found out who he was a set up and meeting. Turns out he was also suspicious and hired a PI. We shared evidence and a plan. We sat on the info, giving them enough rope to hang themselves. The lawyer advised keeping a journal of every time he left the house and where he said he was going. I was to record the time he left and returned, his appearance and if I noticed anything unusual. Her BS did the same. We compared notes and their stories were always very similar.

 

D-day two was confrontation. OW's BH confronted her first then called my house and asked to speak with Mr. Messy. I put him on speaker phone and listened as OW said she wanted to work on her marriage and then her BH told Mr. Messy to stay away from his family if he knew what was good for him. When the conversation was over, I asked if he had anything to say....NOPE. Not a word. They never stopped talking, which I didn't care as I had already filed for divorce and he was to be served in a matter of days. He was, she was, they aren't together(wonder why:rolleyes:) The narcissistic behavior of both of them made them think that their silly spouses would buy that crap about mistakes. Mr. Messy then found out I knew about the previous affairs and tried to convince me they were because "I didn't understand him....boo "f"ing hoo:p).

 

I got my life back and he got a clue and not much else.

Edited April 11, 2012 by bentnotbroken

[despicableME]

Oh yeah, there was a d-day.

 

My STXW is a very proud person, so there was no "drama" involved. Despite such a betrayal, she didn't sink to those levels. Sometimes I wonder that I got off scot-free because of the way it ended.

 

My AP was more dramatic about the affair coming to an end.

 

 

re: Rick's assessment of his current sitch.

 

In all honesty, I don't think you're truly over your AP. I can't believe that you're still looking for some kind of validation from her. Just let it go already, man.

[woinlove]

***Rick......I know you are still working on things and your marriage is a work in progress, but your posts always leave me with a feeling that your wife is the backup plan, the fallback gal. If I were her, and I read them.....I would want a divorce.

 

Agree. And not sure what you would hope to get out of eye contact with your xAP, Rick.

[nofool4u]

 

How did he/she act? What changed? When did you see real improvement., etc etc.

 

My x-wife, during the VERY brief time I considered staying in the marriage for the kids, acted like I should give her time to slowly end things with OM. Sorry, thats when I quickly decided she can have him.

 

 

Lets work together on this, shall we and help eachother.

 

?? I guess I just have to ask, why would a BS want to help an OW/OM during their continued contact with their spouse?

 

What exactly are we working on?

[despicableME]

***Rick......I know you are still working on things and your marriage is a work in progress, but your posts always leave me with a feeling that your wife is the backup plan, the fallback gal. If I were her, and I read them.....I would want a divorce.

 

As always-- spot-on LG.

 

His wife has been relegated to consolation prize status.

[RickFox]

What WOULD you do if xMW were to offer to resume the affair, RF?

 

Not a thing Owl. I have no interest in it.

[RickFox]

Why do you think your xMW not wanting to make eye contact with you is juvenile? It's quite the opposite actually. She shouldn't be looking at you at all - she's doing exactly what a former WS serious about reconciliation SHOULD be doing. For you to think it's juvenile indicates you don't "get it" and would probably jump right back into the affair if you had the opportunity (I'm thinking about the question Owl just posted to you).

 

Do you think your wife (and her husband) would appreciate the two of you glancing over at each other while you're waiting for the kids to get dismissed every day? Giving each other those pathetic, knowing glances.

 

She's doing the RIGHT thing.

 

Regardless of whether you care or not (I think you still do even though you'll protest), out of respect for your wife you should go back to the other door so that there is absolutely NO chance for eye contact or ANY potential contact at all.

 

Perhaps you failed to read the portion about I dont look her way and don't care if she looks mine.

 

I guess when I mentioned about her not looking my way and feeling it was juvenile I should have made it more clear about that being a bit more in the past.

 

I walk right by where she is every day, I do what I did long before I met her.

 

You talk about respect for my wife. Do you think this decision was made by me and me alone? We talked about it, my wife actually thought the opposite of you, that me being on the other side of the school said I missed her so much that I just couldn't stand being around her. I didn't change it for her though, I changed it because it was what needed to be done and yes, my wife is okay with it.

 

I don't look at her, I don't look her way, I don't need her validation and that's that.

[RickFox]

Oh yeah, there was a d-day.

 

My STXW is a very proud person, so there was no "drama" involved. Despite such a betrayal, she didn't sink to those levels. Sometimes I wonder that I got off scot-free because of the way it ended.

 

My AP was more dramatic about the affair coming to an end.

 

 

re: Rick's assessment of his current sitch.

 

In all honesty, I don't think you're truly over your AP. I can't believe that you're still looking for some kind of validation from her. Just let it go already, man.

 

In assessment of your assessment of mine, it's been let go of. Validation from her is not needed nor wanted.

[RickFox]

There was a d day unknown to me at the time (cause I didn't know that he was still very much married. 6 months later I found out about it, from the BS.

 

It's a long, long story but but lies he told her about me, still make me cringe. He only admitted facts that he absolutely could not deny such as my name.

Some of the lies were so terrible that still make me wanna puke. A few examples....she discovered missing money, he said he gave it to me, to buy drugs. I'm not, never have been a druggie. Oh and he didn't give the money to me, I suspect it went to his other ow, who happens to be his 1st xwife to keep her quite. He said I was married and that my husband would kill him, if she contacted me because he was a very mean man and he was violent. I'm not married. That is just the tip of the iceberg. All the lies he told her...........and me just show what a disgusting pig he is. See why I hate him?

 

 

 

 

***Rick......I know you are still working on things and your marriage is a work in progress, but your posts always leave me with a feeling that your wife is the backup plan, the fallback gal. If I were her, and I read them.....I would want a divorce.

 

LadyG,

 

I don't know what it is about it this time that makes you believe it, but I really have nothing to prove to anyone here, perhaps I don't write well enough to express myself but my wife is not the back up plan. I wouldn't waste my time with her if that were the case,I woulnd't want to hurt her further.

 

I USED to want her to look at me, I don't care now. In fact, my wife asks me all the time, what does she look like, did she look at you, did you look at her. My answer is, I don't know, Im not there to look at her, Im there to pick up our daughter and quite frankly, that's all Im there for. I don't stand near her, I don't wait for her to leave, I don't try to make eye contact, and I don't even know if she has tried. That is simply, that.

[donnamaybe]

Perhaps you failed to read the portion about I dont look her way and don't care if she looks mine.

Then how in the world do you know that she refuses to look at you?

[wannabdone]

My x-wife, during the VERY brief time I considered staying in the marriage for the kids, acted like I should give her time to slowly end things with OM. Sorry, thats when I quickly decided she can have him.

 

 

 

 

?? I guess I just have to ask, why would a BS want to help an OW/OM during their continued contact with their spouse?

 

What exactly are we working on?

 

 

Thats not what I meant. I meant it as showing the OW/OM that the xMM/xMW isn't really doing and acting as they say they are. They are at home trying to fight to stay, not that their crazy BS's are manipulating every single move to get them to stay. Opening everyones eyes as to what really goes on behind closed doors, is extrememly helpful to people. Not knowing the other side, is one reason why so many ppl continue these things.

[nofool4u]

Thats not what I meant. I meant it as showing the OW/OM that the xMM/xMW isn't really doing and acting as they say they are. They are at home trying to fight to stay, not that their crazy BS's are manipulating every single move to get them to stay. Opening everyones eyes as to what really goes on behind closed doors, is extrememly helpful to people. Not knowing the other side, is one reason why so many ppl continue these things.

 

Ok, so what is it about the OM/OW's "side" should a BS care about?

[RickFox]

Then how in the world do you know that she refuses to look at you?

 

 

That was supposed to be a past reference as can be found in many a past post, like I said to someone else, I didn't make it clear....

 

So let me make it clear now, when I USED TO LOOK AT HER, she would not look at me and it USED to affect me. Now, I have no idea if she does or doesn't. I don't look at her, I don't stand near her, I'm not there for her, just for my daughter.

 

Damn, you can't win for a thing around this place, seriously.

 

I'm working on my marriage, Im over the OW, my wife is not a consellation prize, if anything she is the one who has settled, and I love her very much. That's that.

[wannabdone]

Ok, so what is it about the OM/OW's "side" should a BS care about?

 

There are a lot of things that the WS tells the OW/OM. Maybe from some of the stories, they could see a pattern or read something that stands out to them.

 

Although this is the OW/OM section, there are so many BS's on here, that claim to want to offer advice or help. Guess this is a way they can put their $ were their mouth is.

[despicableME]

^I actually don't take offense to a BS's questioning my interpretations in describing my situation... and believe me, I've taken my licks here.

 

It helps me clarify my thought process. They(BS) just want to understand our(WS) mindset.

 

This is part of the recovery process-- the input of a BS, and how they are at a loss at such a betrayal, puts things in perspective, IMO.

[wannabdone]

^I actually don't take offense to a BS's questioning my interpretations in describing my situation... and believe me, I've taken my licks here.

 

It helps me clarify my thought process. They(BS) just want to understand our(WS) mindset.

 

This is part of the recovery process-- the input of a BS, and how they are at a loss at such a betrayal, puts things in perspective, IMO.

 

It does me as well. That's why I thought if they shared their stories it could help ppl. Also, if there are some BS's that are on here and might be wondering if their WS is fos or telling the truth, maybe something could stand out.

 

However, we both know that there are some, and some OW/OM that come on here to just bash one another.

 

I think knowing both sides really helps ppl with the healing process on both ends.

[East7]

I think I hold the record on Post-D-day story length (1.5 year !)

 

We didn't really had a D-Day. At some point (1yr) the A became too painful to both of us and we mutually decided to stop it. On my side I was more than fed up waiting. On her side she realized she needed to change something, none of us was ok with the situation. She decided to stay and confess. I don't know how much details she gave to her H but I don't think she told the whole truth especially the PA part. She went through a withdrawal depression which I learned later because she contacted me 1 month after we ended it. The 3 months following the breaking up were the most painful. The roller-coaster was terrible. I grieved like hell and she didn't stop contacting me once in a while. It became a double game for her as if she wanted to keep us both. On one side she claimed she was doing everything to fix her M, on the other she couldn't help telling me how much she still loves me. So basically she confessed but went on lying to her H. Everyone on LS was telling me to completely close the door, not just blocking one or two things. But I still had lingering feelings and respected MW so I had a hard time to ignore her, sometimes I did, sometimes I responded. She would tell me of how much she is suffering and loving and missing me.

 

I could have contacted her H so she would have stopped and he would have known the truth but I didn't feel concerned about their M. I thought is not my business if they want to stay together or not.

 

1 year after, I caved in and met her on HER request. I know I lacked self-respect and boundaries once again.. I thought maybe something has changed if she wants so badly to see me. I realized how much nothing had changed even if she truly didn't seem happy with her M. So another time, we said goodbyes and went on our ways. We went on LC for a while (she would always initiate contact) and then I decided I really had to burn the bridge for the sake of my own sanity and for her best.

 

We are in strict NC. I don't hate her, I just want her to live her life without bothering me.