Divorce to enjoy my life?

[missinglove89]

I've been married for just over 3 years and unfortunately I have also been having an affair for over one year. I started dating my husband when I was only 14! We've been a couple for going on 10 years And I feel like I never got to live life. He and I are very different. Hes shy and I am very social but he hates that. I used to tend to him hand and foot and he never was attentive or romantic to me. After I had my child I just began to think that I needed to be tended to also but when I began to ask for attention from him Is wen we started having issues. I feel that to be happy with him I have to put my social life in the trash.

As I said at first I am having an intimate affair with another man and most of the time I love it. I feel like I am myself with him and he opened my eyes to so much. He has very high goals in life and I love that about him. When we started this "relationship" I let him know it would be just sex but of course it's turned into more. And I often imagine being in a relationship with him instead. Although he doesn't say it directly I think he wants that too.

I don't want to divorce thinking that it's for him because I know relationships never last forever but I'm really attracted to his personality and his outlook on life. I've been contemplating divorce pretty much for 2 years now and everytime I bring it up to my husband he Denies we have issues and we can work out any small things. He knows what I want to do.

I am just so scared of making a wrong decision. Is it selfish of me to want to live my life and not be responsible for his happiness?? Should I just move on from this marriage? I feel comfortable not in love any more and separating is on my mind 24/7. I would really appreciate any advice, this is the most confused I have been in life.

[worldgonewrong]

missinglove89- I'm really trying to bite my tongue in replying to your post.

 

So far we know your husband is deficient, you have a child (I assume it's BOTH of yours, although you said "my child"), you have a lover on the side, and you feel your self-esteem somehow feels better because of this thing going on the side.

 

I'll just pose a couple questions to you:

1. have you questioned your own sense of ethics & morality in all of this?

2. have you questioned your own deficiencies too, rather than looking upon your husband as some shlub?

 

 

It sounds like you've qualifying/justifying your own deceitful behavior.

And since you asked, yes, you're selfish.

Even the way you posed the question is selfish:

Is it selfish of me to want to live my life and not be responsible for his happiness??

Who doesn't want you to live your life? Is your life comprised of sneaking around? That's a life well lived? Who says you're responsible for his happiness? By the same token, as you've portrayed it, YOU make it sound like your husband is responsible for your happiness -- it cuts both ways, baby.

Edited April 11, 2012 by worldgonewrong

[PeineDeCoeur]

I've been married for just over 3 years and unfortunately I have also been having an affair for over one year. I started dating my husband when I was only 14! We've been a couple for going on 10 years And I feel like I never got to live life. He and I are very different. Hes shy and I am very social but he hates that. I used to tend to him hand and foot and he never was attentive or romantic to me. After I had my child I just began to think that I needed to be tended to also but when I began to ask for attention from him Is wen we started having issues. I feel that to be happy with him I have to put my social life in the trash.

As I said at first I am having an intimate affair with another man and most of the time I love it. I feel like I am myself with him and he opened my eyes to so much. He has very high goals in life and I love that about him. When we started this "relationship" I let him know it would be just sex but of course it's turned into more. And I often imagine being in a relationship with him instead. Although he doesn't say it directly I think he wants that too.

I don't want to divorce thinking that it's for him because I know relationships never last forever but I'm really attracted to his personality and his outlook on life. I've been contemplating divorce pretty much for 2 years now and everytime I bring it up to my husband he Denies we have issues and we can work out any small things. He knows what I want to do.

I am just so scared of making a wrong decision. Is it selfish of me to want to live my life and not be responsible for his happiness?? Should I just move on from this marriage? I feel comfortable not in love any more and separating is on my mind 24/7. I would really appreciate any advice, this is the most confused I have been in life.

 

Hi there;

 

You may want to consider posting this in the OW/OM forum, as the posters over there have been in similar positions and will be able to help you. You should read that forum as well.

 

You sound very young, and there is a child involved. You have issues in your marriage that need to be tended to. The best way to deal with this now is to tell your husband, go NC (no contact) with your OM and do what you can to fix your marriage. If that doesn't work out, then you can proceed with a separation and divorce.

 

PLease, please note: an affair is a very different from a normal relationship, producing very intense feelings and NOT BASED ON REALITY. You have no idea what your OM's motives are, and he has not said or promised you anything. It is a fantasy, where you can escape and see only the best of each other. If you leave, you cannot expect anything from this OM - you will truly be starting from scratch on your own. Is this what you want?

 

Give your marriage a chance before heading down this path... Please reach out to the people here, especially the other woman/other man forum - you'll be amazed to read posts and find out how many similarities there are in affairs - it might help you sort through your feelings.

[elfman]

I've been married for just over 3 years and unfortunately I have also been having an affair for over one year. I started dating my husband when I was only 14! We've been a couple for going on 10 years And I feel like I never got to live life. He and I are very different. Hes shy and I am very social but he hates that. I used to tend to him hand and foot and he never was attentive or romantic to me. After I had my child I just began to think that I needed to be tended to also but when I began to ask for attention from him Is wen we started having issues. I feel that to be happy with him I have to put my social life in the trash.

As I said at first I am having an intimate affair with another man and most of the time I love it. I feel like I am myself with him and he opened my eyes to so much. He has very high goals in life and I love that about him. When we started this "relationship" I let him know it would be just sex but of course it's turned into more. And I often imagine being in a relationship with him instead. Although he doesn't say it directly I think he wants that too.

I don't want to divorce thinking that it's for him because I know relationships never last forever but I'm really attracted to his personality and his outlook on life. I've been contemplating divorce pretty much for 2 years now and everytime I bring it up to my husband he Denies we have issues and we can work out any small things. He knows what I want to do.

I am just so scared of making a wrong decision. Is it selfish of me to want to live my life and not be responsible for his happiness?? Should I just move on from this marriage? I feel comfortable not in love any more and separating is on my mind 24/7. I would really appreciate any advice, this is the most confused I have been in life.

 

I am sorry to hear you are not happy in your marriage... and moreover that you simply chose to not work on it but simply go to someone else for "sex and comfort"

 

It seems you had 7 years to decide whether or not to marry your husband, so you cannot honestly say you were "forced" to marry. And I do not mean to bash you but, really?

 

I mean, can you honestly be critical of your marriage when for over a third of it you've been having sex with another man? I know sometimes we men can be very shut-out about discussing the things that are wrong with our marriage, but going to another man and believing that relationship can be weighed against a marriage, or thinking that is "real" in any way, shape or form, is just the most idiotic supposition you can make.

 

Let me tell you, most likely, this OM with whom you decided to "just have sex and nothing else", but with who you have fallen in love with, will most likely turn out to have as many or more deficiencies than your husband and partner of 10 years, you just don't know those deficiencies because he has no responsibility toward you, and has probably never shown his true face. His high goals in life are great and all...but seriously.

 

I can make you a bet, disclose your affair and see how happy your husband will be to be told his wife and mother of his child has been getting laid by this wonderful OM for a year. Of course you feel comfortable, you are LYING to your husband and your kid, and you are SNEAKING AROUND getting sexual pleasure and fantasy unicorn food while not looking at the damage you will cause by all this... trust me, eventually it will explode in your face.

 

Come on, how hard can it be to understand that once you go down the Affair path you basically erased all possible excuses you might've had to doubt a marriage... In my opinion you should tell him about the affair, and then just sit and wait, he'll do all the divorce proceedings himself... I know I would.

 

Good luck.

 

E.

Edited April 11, 2012 by elfman

[worldgonewrong]

and fantasy unicorn food

 

 

haha! genius! I wish I'd coined that.

[SBC]

Am I correct in understanding that you are 24 years old and have been with the same man since you were 14?

[Furious]

Sure the OM is there only for the fun times and great sex. He won the lottery, your husband gets to finance the affair, keep a roof over you and your child's head and OM gets a bargain, sex for nothing.

[pteromom]

Is it selfish of me to want to live my life and not be responsible for his happiness?? Should I just move on from this marriage? I feel comfortable not in love any more and separating is on my mind 24/7. I would really appreciate any advice, this is the most confused I have been in life.

 

If separating is on your mind 24/7, then that's what you need to do. Tell your husband you need some time apart.

 

BUT - also do NOT see your OM during the separation.

 

The purpose of the separation would be to re-normalize yourself. To figure out what YOU want your life to be, outside of any man who is in it.

 

I agree with all the others who said that your relationship with the OM is a fantasy. When you are with him, it is an escape, full of nothing but fun and passion. But if you were to get into an actual relationship with him, where you dealt with parenting and bills and work and housework and everything else that comes with real life, you'd see a whole different side of him, and I guarantee you there would be issues, because there always are.

 

If you want to move away from your marriage, you have to do so because you are unhappy in your marriage, NOT because you think you are in love with this other yahoo (who thinks nothing of sleeping with a guy's wife and a child's mother and is no real prize catch!)

 

So just take a break from both of them for a month or so. Live your own life WITHOUT romance/sex being a part of it. Find out if you miss your husband, or if you are relishing your new freedom.

 

As far as being responsible for your husband's happiness - you aren't. You can let go of that responsibility without leaving your marriage. It's simply a decision. On the same note, you are also responsible for your own happiness.

[NeverDated]

I think you posted this in the wrong place...this belongs in the cheating section.

 

The posters here have gone/are going through a divorce, from potentially cheating spouses. You are not going to get positive or supportive feedback.

 

Bottom line: you have no reason to not separate. You have already destroyed your marriage. It's time to make your plan to leave, tell your that your marriage is over because you have been unfaithful and get out of the house.

 

Just because you are living with him, does not mean you are not separated. You've already driven the wedge in. Don't try to blame him. You're the one who jumped in bed with someone else while stringing your husband along. If your marriage was so awful that you would seek out "just sex", that was your cue to end it. You should have had the decency to let your husband know things were over and physically separate before mounting another steed. So do the mature thing now and get it over with.

[g450]

I have a feeling that the OP will not be back to answer our questions.

 

I now wonder if it was a troll posting. I actually hope so. If not she is a poor excuse for a human being, that's for sure.

[missinglove89]

I have a feeling that the OP will not be back to answer our questions.

 

I now wonder if it was a troll posting. I actually hope so. If not she is a poor excuse for a human being, that's for sure.

well actually i really appreciate everyone's honesty. none of you know what all i have gone through but i do take in all of your feedback. and i know that no matter how much he has hurt me in the past, i am being the ****ty person in present time.

some of you probably wanted to hurt me with what you have said but on the contrary you probably helped me the most. thanks for your brutally honest opinions and advice.

[missinglove89]

Hello

I understand where you are coming from and that you do not have feelings of loss yet because you haven't lost anything yet.

I am sure if you tell your husband what has been going on he will help you to make that decision. It is until all the cards are shown in the game of love before you will know what is to be.

In other words; this boyfriend is with you now because he is attracted to the sneaking around,the convenience of being able to leave after sex and not having to deal with any worldly problems.

When rolls change so do feelings.

Second the husband ! You never know how much you love someone until they are gone!

Be careful for what you think you may want! The grass always looks greener on the other side.

I hope I was able to give you the food of thought.

My best to you and your decision

i completely agree with all of what you said. and yes i realize that it is but a fantasy that will never be perfect. actually reading all of the posts i decided to end that part of my life but also take time away from my husband. i realize he deserves better than what i have been doing to him the last year. i am going to take time to myself and reflect on what i feel is better for myself and my daughter. thanks for taking time to respond.

[missinglove89]

missinglove89- I'm really trying to bite my tongue in replying to your post.

 

So far we know your husband is deficient, you have a child (I assume it's BOTH of yours, although you said "my child"), you have a lover on the side, and you feel your self-esteem somehow feels better because of this thing going on the side.

 

I'll just pose a couple questions to you:

1. have you questioned your own sense of ethics & morality in all of this?

2. have you questioned your own deficiencies too, rather than looking upon your husband as some shlub?

 

 

It sounds like you've qualifying/justifying your own deceitful behavior.

And since you asked, yes, you're selfish.

Even the way you posed the question is selfish:

 

Who doesn't want you to live your life? Is your life comprised of sneaking around? That's a life well lived? Who says you're responsible for his happiness? By the same token, as you've portrayed it, YOU make it sound like your husband is responsible for your happiness -- it cuts both ways, baby.

thanks for the advice and yes i have actually often thought about the 2 questions you asked. i do know cheating was something i never thought i would do and yes i know it is completely wrong. and yes i am definitely not perfect in any way.

i here to get feedback good/ bad. and i appreciate your honesty.

[missinglove89]

Hi there;

 

You may want to consider posting this in the OW/OM forum, as the posters over there have been in similar positions and will be able to help you. You should read that forum as well.

 

You sound very young, and there is a child involved. You have issues in your marriage that need to be tended to. The best way to deal with this now is to tell your husband, go NC (no contact) with your OM and do what you can to fix your marriage. If that doesn't work out, then you can proceed with a separation and divorce.

 

PLease, please note: an affair is a very different from a normal relationship, producing very intense feelings and NOT BASED ON REALITY. You have no idea what your OM's motives are, and he has not said or promised you anything. It is a fantasy, where you can escape and see only the best of each other. If you leave, you cannot expect anything from this OM - you will truly be starting from scratch on your own. Is this what you want?

 

Give your marriage a chance before heading down this path... Please reach out to the people here, especially the other woman/other man forum - you'll be amazed to read posts and find out how many similarities there are in affairs - it might help you sort through your feelings.

that is a good idea i will do that. and thanks for the advice. yes i know that thinking my OM will turn into "the one" is the craziest thing. and im not sure if you have been in a predicament such as mine but you probably know just how powerful and confusing sex can be.

i know i made a mistake by starting the affair and i regret it most of the time. when i am thinking clearly i know what a dumbass i was.

thanks again for your feedback.

[missinglove89]

this is the best advice on here. thank you. this has been what i have been wanting to do for the longest. and about responsible for happiness i believe what you say is true. i shouldnt be the only thing in his life that makes him happy. do you know the pressure i feel to be perfect for him all of the time, i dont put that on him. i am going to think of myself i know its selfish but for the entire relationship i never once thought of myself (except recently with the OM) i am taking a break from everything except motherhood. thank you for taking time to post.

Edited April 12, 2012 by missinglove89
this was directed toward "ptreomom"

[trippi1432]

Coming clean is a scary thing to do, but it is the most respectful thing to do. There are a lot of metaphors on this forum about cheating, but none of us really know how things will turn out. Only you know yourself and your husband and your situation. Take off the blinders and put yourself in someone else's shoes....if this were being done to you, how would you feel?

 

Any man who is too good to be true is typically something that you fantasized in your head. And before the men here agree with me, same lesson goes for men as well. OP, you have stepped outside and yes, your husband will be crushed. He will want to know what he was lacking, he will want to know what he did wrong, his ego will be bruised and he will both hate and love you at the same time. Do not validate, do not justify...he's allowed to have those emotions and he can have them for a while. If it were you, would you not feel that way as well?

 

Right now, I would agree, you need to come clean as well as end it with the OM. BUT, it's not just about what you want as there is a marriage here and a child. Do not stay out of guilt or obligation...but you do need to re-examine yourself as to what got you here.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

Edited April 12, 2012 by trippi1432

[PeineDeCoeur]

that is a good idea i will do that. and thanks for the advice. yes i know that thinking my OM will turn into "the one" is the craziest thing. and im not sure if you have been in a predicament such as mine but you probably know just how powerful and confusing sex can be.

i know i made a mistake by starting the affair and i regret it most of the time. when i am thinking clearly i know what a dumbass i was.

thanks again for your feedback.

 

Yes, I have been an OW. It was an "exit affair" and I am now in the process of divorcing. My MM is now out of my life.

 

It was hard to give up my MM - largely because I think the sex made me feel so attached to him and it gave me something to look forward to - not love, but attachment, wanting more from him than he could give. I don't completely regret my affair, because in the long run it helped me get out of an unhealthy situation. But to make it out to be more than it was - is a mistake.

 

Best of luck to you.

[pteromom]

Hello... yes she is!!! marriage takes 2. BOTH responsible???

 

She`s ****ing around and expects HIM to be HAPPY about it???

 

kidding right???

 

My point is HE is responsible for HIS happiness, and SHE is responsible for HERS. Each person is responsible for their OWN happiness.

 

I am not saying he should be happy about her cheating, or that it is ok that she is cheating.

[health]

Cheating is something I've never done and decided will never do.

 

I'm 30. The most passionate sex and deepest relationships I've had were monogamous.

 

I feel this sense of peace and clear thought that is priceless.

 

With that clear conscience I've create quite a great life for myself.

 

I keep hearing these stories and this only reinforces me why to never cheat.

[jphcbpa]

ideally, you want to get to a point where you are not choosing between the OM or your husband, but you are choosing to work on you and find out what is really missing inside you that you need to seek an affair to fill that void. work on you so that regardless of what happens in the future with the OM or your husband, you can be a whole person.