so gutted Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 OK - I give up. I have tried everything. Been on lots of first dates. There are no sparks anyway. One guy tried to get me on a second date to dinner but as there was zero attraction I did not lead him on and go on the second date. Is gut instinct always right? After spending an hour with a guy, who is nice enough, good on paper, fits the requirement, is it reasonable to say no to a second date when they do not arise often? I am totally fed up. Life should be going very well, I pretty much have the material things etc and I know I should be grateful BUT there is an empty gaping hole. I cannot find a boyfriend. Why oh why is it this hard? I feel like I do not have long left (ovaries) and I am failing. I have tried positive thinking, the gym etc. This failure is affecting my work. I keep acting unprofessionally towards people. I cannot afford to lose the job due to bad attitude. How do I perk up???? Friends are mosly online random strangers as the real ones have all found men or are looking hard and therefore unavailable. Plus I am too much competition for them to handle. HELP.
oaks Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 How many first dates? How are you finding and selecting these people to date?
thatone Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 well, you're blaming your issues at work on your dating life. so by extrapolation i can assume that you blame men for not being your prince charming. stereotypical drama queen behavior, from my experience.
Feelsgoodman Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 If you've been on many first dates and there are no sparks, chances are you have unrealistic expectations. Life is not a Hollywood movie...the odds of you being swept off you fit by a handsome and totally charming stranger are pretty slim.
Author so gutted Posted April 10, 2012 Author Posted April 10, 2012 How many first dates? How are you finding and selecting these people to date? Since Jan 2012 I have been on 11 dates, sometimes 2 per day. Online dating. I never meet men in the real world.
Andy_K Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 OK - I give up. I have tried everything. Been on lots of first dates. There are no sparks anyway. Realise that many guys are pretty nervous on a first date, and the sparks are as much your responsibility as his. If you're not outwardly acting like you expect things to click (positive body language, flirting, laughing, perhaps be a bit touchy feely) then you're making it much harder for him too. It is a two way process and you might find with a bit of encouragement that a lot of these guys come alive. The more dates you've been on and felt nothing at all, the higher the chances that this is something you're causing, not them. Sometimes you need to take a risk. 1
dasein Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 Sorry you are feeling this way. When I am feeling down, I go to bed early every night and read literature, not junk, get up very early before sunrise, go to the gym and exercise strenuously in the morning every single day, eat tons of fruits and veg and lean meat and drink lots of water. Stay away from tv, movies, any media at all. The down feeling goes away quickly. Good luck.
NeverDated Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 OK - I give up. I have tried everything. Been on lots of first dates. There are no sparks anyway. One guy tried to get me on a second date to dinner but as there was zero attraction I did not lead him on and go on the second date. Is gut instinct always right? After spending an hour with a guy, who is nice enough, good on paper, fits the requirement, is it reasonable to say no to a second date when they do not arise often? Why not go on a second date? The first date I had with my boyfriend, I thought he was pretty awkward - weird habits, weird interests, generally off-putting, insecure, trouble communicating, the list goes on. Three weeks later, I finally agreed to a second date and it was like night and day. The third date, the spark showed up. What's the harm in giving it another try? How is that leading him on? Sounds like you're abandoning ship before it even leaves the harbor. I am totally fed up. Life should be going very well, I pretty much have the material things etc and I know I should be grateful BUT there is an empty gaping hole. I cannot find a boyfriend. Why oh why is it this hard? I feel like I do not have long left (ovaries) and I am failing. I have tried positive thinking, the gym etc. This failure is affecting my work. I keep acting unprofessionally towards people. I cannot afford to lose the job due to bad attitude. How do I perk up???? Friends are mosly online random strangers as the real ones have all found men or are looking hard and therefore unavailable. Plus I am too much competition for them to handle. HELP. Sounds like you're depressed. You can rephrase the above to "everything in my life is going well but I'm still dissatisfied." It doesn't sound like you're dealing with some major life cataclysm that has turned all your plans, hopes, dreams and ambitions upside down. You're just not happy. Maybe some therapy is in order, just to give you perspective?
Author so gutted Posted April 10, 2012 Author Posted April 10, 2012 If you've been on many first dates and there are no sparks, chances are you have unrealistic expectations. Life is not a Hollywood movie...the odds of you being swept off you fit by a handsome and totally charming stranger are pretty slim. No - I am not looking for Hollywood, I am just looking for an attraction, surely that is normal?
oaks Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 Since Jan 2012 I have been on 11 dates, sometimes 2 per day. Online dating. I never meet men in the real world. Ok. Presumably you liked their profiles, liked their photos, and perhaps have at least 1 shared interest with these guys. Is that right? So what's going wrong on these dates? Do they not look like their photos? Or behave in a way that wasn't attractive to you?
Author so gutted Posted April 10, 2012 Author Posted April 10, 2012 Realise that many guys are pretty nervous on a first date, and the sparks are as much your responsibility as his. If you're not outwardly acting like you expect things to click (positive body language, flirting, laughing, perhaps be a bit touchy feely) then you're making it much harder for him too. It is a two way process and you might find with a bit of encouragement that a lot of these guys come alive. The more dates you've been on and felt nothing at all, the higher the chances that this is something you're causing, not them. Sometimes you need to take a risk. The risk is what?
Author so gutted Posted April 10, 2012 Author Posted April 10, 2012 Ok. Presumably you liked their profiles, liked their photos, and perhaps have at least 1 shared interest with these guys. Is that right? So what's going wrong on these dates? Do they not look like their photos? Or behave in a way that wasn't attractive to you? They look like their photos, pretty much. There is no hint of attraction from my side. I having tried dating downwards (uneducated etc) and that was too much of a compromise. Other women may accept these guys and try and ignore the lack of anything physical....but my gut says no.
Feelsgoodman Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 No - I am not looking for Hollywood, I am just looking for an attraction, surely that is normal? Depends on your idea of "attraction".
Imajerk17 Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 (edited) Wow, with a name like so_gutted, you sure seem like a fun person to hang out with! It's funny, when a man goes on a first date and it doesn't go well, he tends to take responsibility. When a woman goes on a first date and it doesn't go well, she tends to blame the guy. I'm not sure if this serves anyone. I mean, a lame first date doesn't mean the guy has no personality, all it really might mean is that the guy has no personality *around you*. With this in mind, have you considered *your* role in these lame first dates? Maybe you're coming across as a downer? We men find it hard to be charming when the woman in front of us doesn't seem that interested.... Edited April 10, 2012 by Imajerk17
Kamille Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 How has attraction developed for you in the past?
Author so gutted Posted April 10, 2012 Author Posted April 10, 2012 Wow, with a name like so_gutted, you sure seem like a fun person to hang out with! It's funny, when a man goes on a first date and it doesn't go well, he tends to take responsibility. When a woman goes on a first date and it doesn't go well, she tends to blame the guy. I'm not sure if this serves anyone. With this in mind, have you considered *your* role in these lame first dates? Maybe you're coming across as a downer? We men find it hard to be charming when the woman in front of us doesn't seem that interested.... I am not blaming the men. I am stating the issue. One guy (X) was very complimentary, talked about shared trips away etc and texted me when I got home. Then never heard from him again - this was after a 3 hour date. Drinks, plus dinner. He was nervous throughout. I still expected a second date. With the internet there is no accountability, they can disappear. x - you missed out.
Imajerk17 Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 I am not blaming the men. I am stating the issue. One guy (X) was very complimentary, talked about shared trips away etc and texted me when I got home. Then never heard from him again - this was after a 3 hour date. Drinks, plus dinner. He was nervous throughout. I still expected a second date. With the internet there is no accountability, they can disappear. x - you missed out. Maybe I misunderstood then. You're open to a second date if there is a reasonable connection, but for some reason guys flake/disappear. That, sad to say, happens a lot in online dating.
Author so gutted Posted April 10, 2012 Author Posted April 10, 2012 How has attraction developed for you in the past? Attraction has always been the loser guys. The men with what I want (career wise) are not attractive, not because they are not bad boys just because they are not attractive. good job = non attractive physically bad job = better looking. Even the bus drivers are better looking then the educated ones. Why is that????
Kamille Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 Attraction has always been the loser guys. The men with what I want (career wise) are not attractive, not because they are not bad boys just because they are not attractive. good job = non attractive physically bad job = better looking. Even the bus drivers are better looking then the educated ones. Why is that???? Where I live, bus drivers make a good salary . Maybe you find "blue collar" men more attractive? Why fight it?
Feelsgoodman Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 Attraction has always been the loser guys. The men with what I want (career wise) are not attractive, not because they are not bad boys just because they are not attractive. good job = non attractive physically bad job = better looking. Even the bus drivers are better looking then the educated ones. Why is that???? There is no shortage of good looking guys with good jobs (i.e. lawyers, financial industry workers) around here. These guys have options though and probably would not date the average Sally. OP, how hot are you?
prune juice Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 No - I am not looking for Hollywood, I am just looking for an attraction, surely that is normal? give a man 3 dates, unless he's a jerk. attraction grew over time with some coworkers who are now married.
thatone Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 Attraction has always been the loser guys. The men with what I want (career wise) are not attractive, not because they are not bad boys just because they are not attractive. good job = non attractive physically bad job = better looking. Even the bus drivers are better looking then the educated ones. Why is that???? because a guy pulling good money from a white collar job doesn't need or want to be physically 'intimidating' for lack of a better word. the guy with no financial prospects has to be better looking to get any success with women simple matter of the path of least resistance, people are going to use the tools available to them. not to say that a chiseled tan investment banker is impossible, but it's highly unlikely that you're going to get one. you're going to have to decide which you want, make a choice, and live with it.
SJC2008 Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 Attraction has always been the loser guys. The men with what I want (career wise) are not attractive, not because they are not bad boys just because they are not attractive. good job = non attractive physically bad job = better looking. Even the bus drivers are better looking then the educated ones. Why is that???? Ok that is a very poor generalization. Where do you live? In a particular area in houston called mid town (just west of down town), there are plenty of arogant, uppity, good looking college educated mid 20's-early 30's douches if that's what you want. Rome wasn't built in a day so like another poster said, give a guy 3 dates to see if he's worth dating. Would I like to hit off and be off to the races on a first date? Hell yeah!!! But that's often not the case. Case in point, I had the greatest first date ever with the last woman I dated, second was good, 3rd was good but lacking a spark on either end. Things got lost in translation afterward and here I am pondering what the heck happened. And that was with a great first date. So try it and see what happens, 3 dates is a safe zone to where if things don't work out, it wont seem like you led him on IMO.
NeverDated Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 Since Jan 2012 I have been on 11 dates, sometimes 2 per day. Online dating. I never meet men in the real world. Even the bus drivers are better looking then the educated ones. Why is that???? Probably because all the attractive, well-educated, high-earning men are not on online dating sites. They are out on dates with women they met in the real world, because those kinds of men are in short supply.
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