dumpee to dumper?

[headsashed]

For those that dont know my story ill give you a small insight before i explain my title,my current gf broke up with me in september 2011,she came back at the new year and i took her back,in those 4 months she slept with 2 people.

 

Right,as u can probably gather,im considering breaking up with my gf. I will try explain the reasons why now.

 

In just over 3 months we have not spent 1 whole day together,just me and her,when we are alone its for like a few hours,then we either goto 1 of her friends or either 1 of us goes home. I may sound selfish there but dont we need some quality time together if this relationship is going to work?.

 

I dont 100% trust her,i know its only early stages but i dont know if it will get better and without trust theres nothing right?

 

Im not over the fact she slept with 2 people,it still haunts me from time to time,again,its early stages but i dont know if it will ever go away.

 

Kissing and intimicy is rare tbh,she does kiss me in the lips when 1 of us is leaving but she wont kiss me properly,and as for sex,its not been that often at all.

 

In contrast i see it as though my gf doesnt want to spend time with me,kiss me,sleep with me and thats full of red flags.

 

There has been good points sine we got back together,she has bought me clothes,food,took me away for the weekend (with her friends) and little things like going to hers for food etc.

 

I do love her very much but i seem to be more angry and hurting than i am happy. Maybe im expecting too much too soon considering what happend in those 4 months we were broken up,i dunno. Today i told her that we need to spend more time together as a couple if this is to work and she just said she didnt want to argue and then went home,i havent heard from her since. Maybe it is time for this relationship to be buried.

[tears_in_rain]

It seems like those 4 months and what happened in them will haunt you forever if you continue this relationship. You fear to trust her completely in case she goes off with another couple of people.

 

If she's not intimate and that's what you like. Another problem.

 

Quality time together. Yup you'll need some of that. If its not happening at all why is that. Does she value the time spent with friends more than the time she spends with you alone.

 

You mentioned it yourself. Lots of red flags.

 

More importantly it makes you angry rather than happy. Not good for the soul fella !

[headsashed]

Yes she does value time with friends more than time alone with me,before we broke up in sept 2011 we were together for 2 years,and spent just about everyday together. This time we decided we needed more time with friends etc,but i think its a little too much.

 

All this is getting to me if im being honest and ive told her 3 times about spending more time together,nothing has changed,she thinks an hour or 2 at hers will make things right,it wont.

[tears_in_rain]

Yes she does value time with friends more than time alone with me,before we broke up in sept 2011 we were together for 2 years,and spent just about everyday together. This time we decided we needed more time with friends etc,but i think its a little too much.

 

All this is getting to me if im being honest and ive told her 3 times about spending more time together,nothing has changed,she thinks an hour or 2 at hers will make things right,it wont.

 

I get it. You want it to be a more like the first two years with a sprinkle or so of time with friends like recently. That sounds normal and healthy. Also you're communicating your needs to her. So even if it goes south from here you did your bit.

 

Any idea why she's not intimate. Is it her, you, something from the past or is she just one of those grass is greener types.

[headsashed]

I really dont know why shes not being intimate with me,she does work alot and when shes been to work i usually goto hers for an hour while she goes to sleep,but like i said,we dont spend alot of time together on our own so we cant be intimate. Maybe she just doesnt want sex at all,maybe she doesnt want me but doesnt want anyone else to have me and thats why theres no sex,only her knows. When we were together before,sex was regular up until the last month or 2 before we broke up.

[tears_in_rain]

As much I hate to say it. This train might be coming in to the end of the line.

Maybe bail out now or gracefully step off on to the platform with your head held high and take a walk around. Then maybe you can get on another train and upgrade your journey from 2nd class to 1st and to a nicer destination.

[headsashed]

maybe your right,i am considering walking away from this,we just been txting and she said she didnt want to argue about this we me,then i asked if she wants take away with me and the kids tomorrow as im babysitting for my nephew and niece,she said she got tea planned,hmm,yet she said earlier at mine that she was coming after work,wtf lol

[geegirl]

H, I was gone for awhile and just popped in and your post was the first I read.

 

Nothing has changed, has it? It seems that your relationship has either stagnated or regressed. Regressed more like it.

 

Communication is key. If you have communicated your needs and if those needs cannot be fulfilled (and they are not irrational or unreasonable needs), then it is time for you to either accept that this is all you will get from this relationship and settle or move on and hope that in time you find a partner that will be able to reciprocate.

 

Does this sound like a healthy relationship to you or does this sound more like two people just existing because one or the other is too afraid to let go for fear of being alone? People stay in bad relationships because it's too frightful to be out there again. So, they stay even when they realize it's the worst thing they could ever do to themselves. That is what you are doing.

 

Love is great but a relationship needs more than that to survive. She bought you food and took you on vacation. Great! What else can you tell me about her that sustains your emotional and mental needs? Even intimacy is out the door. If it's this bad now, imagine what it's going to be 6 months from now or a year from now.

 

You either settle for this or you move on to better. The same song and dance, will most likely end up being the same song and dance. Infact, it's become worse.

Edited April 10, 2012 by geegirl

[headsashed]

hi geegirl,long time no speak lol,hope things are good with you.

 

If im being totally honest with myself i can say that nothing has changed at all,a meal and vacation doesnt change anything,ive tried to meet her needs by giving her more space and time etc,but she wont meet my needs when i ask for some quality time together. I doubt things are going to get any better either and thats me being totally honest,and ye,it does hurt but its the truth.

 

We been txtin for the past hour and she started to not talk as much,i asked her why and she was sarcastic and said she maybe she is tired cos she got work in morning,..there was no need for it,so i asked if she wanted me to leave her alone,she said do what u want,so ive just asked her why she is being like this and ive just had this bombshell

" cos nothing i do is right for you,its got to be what you want or you aint happy,ive had enough of it.

 

hmm,doesnt sound good lol

[headsashed]

i replied to her txt just saying "what because i asked to spend some time together" she hasnt replied,so who knows now lol,she was fine about 30 mins ago,saying she is coming to mine after work tomorrow lol,think her head is losing it again hah

[geegirl]

Honestly, I believe she has checked out. If this is all she can give you, be that a tenth of herself, then this is all you will get. YOU have to decide if it's enough for you. No amount of badgering, asking, questioning, analyzing will make her give you more than what she has to give. She may not say the words, you will just have to decipher her actions.

 

She can't compromise so you badger to get what you want. That pushes her further away and she most likely hides behind the excuse of being tired, nothing she does is good enough, etc., when in fact, she is just not fully into it. Pretend you were with someone you weren't quite into. They badgered you about spending time. How would you feel? Almost turned off. Pretend you love someone with all your heart, vice versa, and they wanted to spend time with you. See the difference?

 

This relationship, in its second go around should be stronger, IF two people are truly committed to making it work by rewriting all the wrongs that once caused the break up. Instead, you've regressed. It's become worse.

 

You yourself stated, nothing has changed. That's all you need to know.

[headsashed]

i agree geegirl,nothing really has changed. I know ive done nothing wrong this time around,ive gave her space,time,basically everything shes asked for,because i wanted this to work. She on the other hand has done what? a few treats every now and then,if this is to end and its looking that way then atleast i tried my best.

 

When we have argued before about things she always said in her last txt thats she has had enough of it,then the next day she is fine. Today was her day off,i knew she would want a lay in so i never txt or anything and just let her contact me when she was ready,as ive always done,once she was out of bed she began txting me,having a laugh etc and tbh i expected spendin the day with her. Around 4pm she called to mine for her cigerettes then went to her friends for like 2 hours,then came to mine,she knew something was bothering me and started cuddling me and being all nice,then i told her about spending more time with me,thats when she went home. She is confusing a lot lol.

 

I can say 1 thing though,since we reconciled i have never chased her,begged her,pleaded with her or anything,ive always been honest and told her when things were wrong,so atleast i know ive done my best.

[geegirl]

i agree geegirl,nothing really has changed. I know ive done nothing wrong this time around,ive gave her space,time,basically everything shes asked for,because i wanted this to work. She on the other hand has done what? a few treats every now and then,if this is to end and its looking that way then atleast i tried my best.

 

When we have argued before about things she always said in her last txt thats she has had enough of it,then the next day she is fine. Today was her day off,i knew she would want a lay in so i never txt or anything and just let her contact me when she was ready,as ive always done,once she was out of bed she began txting me,having a laugh etc and tbh i expected spendin the day with her. Around 4pm she called to mine for her cigerettes then went to her friends for like 2 hours,then came to mine,she knew something was bothering me and started cuddling me and being all nice,then i told her about spending more time with me,thats when she went home. She is confusing a lot lol.

 

I can say 1 thing though,since we reconciled i have never chased her,begged her,pleaded with her or anything,ive always been honest and told her when things were wrong,so atleast i know ive done my best.

 

I believe that when you are in a loving, reciprocal relationship, you will realize that it should not have been that hard. I had bad relationships in my life and I settled and bargained my way through because I was scared to let go.

 

I am in a great relationship now and I truly believe that when two people are on the same path and are willing to put the work in towards sharing their life together, it doesn't have to be so hard. Yes, there will be bad times but if the relationship is of value to both, those bad times will be worked through. Communication and compromise is crucial.

 

I cannot tell you what it's like to be with a healthy partner who is emotionally and mentally aligned with you. I almost look back and wonder what the heck I was doing trying to fit a square peg into a round hole with past Rs. A complete waste of time trying to be with/in a person/relationship that is already broken. If you have to twist yourself into a pretzel, which is what you are doing now with no change, I really don't see it getting any better.

Edited April 10, 2012 by geegirl

[mike588]

I believe that when you are in a loving, reciprocal relationship, you will realize that it should not have been that hard. I had bad relationships in my life and I settled and bargained my way through because I was scared to let go.

 

I am in a great relationship now and I truly believe that when two people are on the same path and are willing to put the work in towards sharing their life together, it doesn't have to be so hard. Yes, there will be bad times but if the relationship is of value to both, those bad times will be worked through. Communication and compromise is crucial.

 

I cannot tell you what it's like to be with a healthy partner who is emotionally and mentally aligned with you. I almost look back and wonder what the heck I was doing trying to fit a square peg into a round hole with past Rs. A complete waste of time trying to be with/in a person/relationship that is already broken. If you have to twist yourself into a pretzel, which is what you are doing now with no change, I really don't see it getting any better.

 

Outstanding insite/advise!! Totally agree!!!

[Mack05]

I am in a great relationship now and I truly believe that when two people are on the same path and are willing to put the work in towards sharing their life together, it doesn't have to be so hard. Yes, there will be bad times but if the relationship is of value to both, those bad times will be worked through. Communication and compromise is crucial

 

I'm glad to hear things are going well for you geegirl and I hope they continue to do so..

 

Headsashed I agree with all the above..You need to get out now...

[geegirl]

Outstanding insite/advise!! Totally agree!!!

 

Howdy my friend! I played the big lottery recently. I won $2. I would share but I'm sure you can do better!

[mike588]

Howdy my friend! I played the big lottery recently. I won $2. I would share but I'm sure you can do better!

 

Ha.. I keep trying...maybe one day! Hope you are well..I am!!!!

[geegirl]

Ha.. I keep trying...maybe one day! Hope you are well..I am!!!!

 

I'm glad you are doing well Mike! Good to hear!

[mike588]

I'm glad you are doing well Mike! Good to hear!

 

My nightmare is over...finally.I'm SO happy now...Thanks for all your help..good to see you back here giving GREAT advise!!!!!!!!!!

 

Ok..no more hijacking this thread...on with the show.

[geegirl]

My nightmare is over...finally.I'm SO happy now...Thanks for all your help..good to see you back here giving GREAT advise!!!!!!!!!!

 

Ok..no more hijacking this thread...on with the show.

 

Most welcome! Always there if you need me. Yes, sorry H. No more hijacking

[headsashed]

haha its okis,i dont mind you hijacking,it gave me something to read lol. Anyway,back to the topic lol,ive not heard from her since the last txt which i posted last night befopre i went to bed,so im still in the dark. Im 99% sure that its over with tbh and ive been thinking about walking away for a few weeks now because things havent got any better. She will always do little things to pull me back in then a few days later it will be back to normal. I have to say that ive seen red flags for a little while but ive been stupid and ignored them in a sense,because i didnt want to get hurt. Now,i dont know if i should leave it as it is or txt her to see what the hell is goin off lol,think i have a right know.

[geegirl]

haha its okis,i dont mind you hijacking,it gave me something to read lol. Anyway,back to the topic lol,ive not heard from her since the last txt which i posted last night befopre i went to bed,so im still in the dark. Im 99% sure that its over with tbh and ive been thinking about walking away for a few weeks now because things havent got any better. She will always do little things to pull me back in then a few days later it will be back to normal. I have to say that ive seen red flags for a little while but ive been stupid and ignored them in a sense,because i didnt want to get hurt. Now,i dont know if i should leave it as it is or txt her to see what the hell is goin off lol,think i have a right know.

 

Or you can take control and decide what YOU want for yourself rather than give her all the power to determine your fate.

 

Of course she will pull you back. You fit her needs. Someone she can have when she wants. And you can go back. But at some point, rather than go back for the sake of comfort and fear, ask yourself what are you going back to and decide if it's even worth it. Same BS, different day.

 

You see the red flags but you ignore because you don't want to get hurt? But you're still getting hurt even while you ignore them. How is that working for you?

 

You can make your own decision based on what you want for yourself. Don't hide behind her.

[headsashed]

I know i need to decide whats best for myself,and yes im hurting even though im still in a relationship and that aint good. I do want this relationship to work but i cant see how it will when she wont spend quality time with me. I believe we took the right steps by not being togther 24/7 but it went a step too far and we dont spend much time together. Its like this,if she wont spend time with me which i believe will help this RS then it has to be over,its as simple as that. Its not hard to spend time with me is it lol,i know i aint that bad haha. That is the only thing ive ever asked for since we got back together.

[geegirl]

I know i need to decide whats best for myself,and yes im hurting even though im still in a relationship and that aint good. I do want this relationship to work but i cant see how it will when she wont spend quality time with me. I believe we took the right steps by not being togther 24/7 but it went a step too far and we dont spend much time together. Its like this,if she wont spend time with me which i believe will help this RS then it has to be over,its as simple as that. Its not hard to spend time with me is it lol,i know i aint that bad haha. That is the only thing ive ever asked for since we got back together.

 

I'm sorry you're back in the same rut H.

 

One of the fundamental building blocks of a relationship is spending quality time with each other. What you are asking is not unreasonable. It's what most people do as they progress further and further into the relationship. Both of you are not new to each other. So rather than this progressing, it's regressing. If she can't put in the time with you now, how do you ever get to other levels i.e. at some point moving in with each other. When two people love each other, they look forward to time together but still create a healthy enough boundary towards having their own space. She almost sounds inconvenienced at the thought of spending time with you.

 

You will break away when the time is right for you. As she slowly chips away at you, you will at some point close the door with nothing else of you to give her. That is when you give yourself a gift and that is the potential for better things to happen and enter into your life. I attest that there will be better. Stay strong.

[headsashed]

You always hit the nail on the head geegirl,i think its sad to see a relationship failing after everything thats happened because 1 partner cant find the time for her bf to help this RS work. Its not alot to ask,if she wants it to work then she will find the time,ive always been honest with her and told her when things are on my mind so its time for her to be honest with me.

 

Ive heard from her today,she asked if i was excited about looking after the kids tonight,she was being sarcastic in a joking manner,i did reply and just said ye i cant wait,then she said she was calling tonight after work to drop some money off. So really she has acted as though nothing is wrong,i wont say anything tonight as the kids will be here so it will have to wait because i want to sort this out in person.