mulbry Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 Quick background: I'm 26, he's 29, we're both working and getting our grad degrees. We met online, hit it off in person, were exclusive after one month and things were quite ideal for the first 6 months. We'd see each other 3-4 times a week, went on several trips, met each others friends and family - it all seemed perfect on paper. After five months I was beginning to wonder when the L word would come up. I was ready to say it, but afraid to bring up the subject if he wasn't ready. Valentine's Day comes around at the 6th month mark, I've had a bit too much to drink, we get back to his place, and I finally muster the courage to bring up the L word. He pauses, kind of sighs and tells me that had he been ready, he would have already said it by now. He continues that he'll only be ready for the L word when he knows I am "the one" and he wants to marry me. I respond that I am not ready for marriage yet, and I'm not sure that he is "the one" but I know that I have strong feelings for him and I am ready to say "I love you." (I should mention that he attributes his wanting to wait until he's ready for marriage with a woman before telling her he loves her because of cultural differences - he moved to the US from Peru 13 years ago as a teenager. Whether that's true or just an excuse, I don't know.) He doesn't respond, so I become upset and say I want to go home. He freaks out a bit, grabs me and hugs me and convinces me to stay. We talk a bit more about what we want, and how we can improve our relationship. We agree that at 6 months into a relationship is too early to decide if we're ready to marry each other (I know I'm not ready), and to let things continue and see where they progress. For the next month he's as attentive and loving as ever. I found out later that during this time he sought advice from his closest friends and family who all told him he was being silly for having doubts about me. Unfortunately for me, my mother and sister told me they were worried for me and concerned he had too many issues and that I should proceed with caution - which I did. A month later - St. Patty's day - he flew to Texas to be with his father and brother for his brother's birthday. I partied that night with friends. This will become important later. He returns after two days, and a week later we're out with friends. I have too much to drink and we have our first fight in the taxi on the way home. I don't remember how it started, but I remember screaming at him (regrettably) and unleashing my insecurities. I tell him how much I want to say "I love you" and I feel like I can't because he's too hung up on marriage (I realize this is all very bad of me to say, but damn that alcohol and those insecurities). He's calm during the whole thing and trying to calm me down. He says he DOES love me. He thinks. He's not sure. He asks if it's love if I'm the most important person in his life and he can't imagine it without me? He seems confused. In the morning I'm embarrassed and I apologize for screaming and explain that although I'm letting the relationship progress to see where we're headed, I've had some insecurities since our talk on Valentine's Day. We talk more, and things are in a great place now. He's going to live with me for two months (June/July) while his mother moves to the US during that time and lives in his place (she has to fulfill a minimum 2 month US residency requirement for her green card... not sure what the details are). We both see it as a great time to test our relationship and see how things will go. If possible, things were even better after that and I had the most confidence I'd ever had in our relationship. I started to view it with lifetime potential and started fantasizing about marriage. Our friends commented how cute we seemed lately. Another month goes by, we're now 8 months in, and we go to my parents' for Easter (two days ago). The day is perfect, and we're excited to plan our trip to San Francisco coming up this weekend. We go back to his place and he's making up an itinerary on his laptop while I play with his iPad. I notice a new match.com application and immediately my suspicions are raised. I click it and there's his old profile from July, but it's "hidden." I breathe a sigh of relief. Until I notice a message in his inbox. Then I see he's winked at 10 women in Texas 22 days ago. St. Patty's day weekend with his dad and brother. One messaged him in reply with a "You seem interesting, want to get coffee?" And he responded with something along the lines: "You seem interesting too, but I have to be honest that I have a GF up in Seattle but I know she's not "the one" and we probably won't last much longer. Maybe we could get coffee another time?" I sat stunned, but somehow relieved that I finally had my answer. He had made up his mind that I was temporary, and now I had to move on. He realized I was absorbed in what I was reading and not responding to him at that moment, and grabbed the iPad from me, saw what I had read and was stunned himself. I said I was leaving, and he pulled me into his room where we could talk without being heard by the roommate. I started to cry and said I needed my things... he started crying, begging, holding me, kneeling on the ground begging, and holding me again. I asked him why he was behaving this way and he kept saying "Don't leave me - I was drunk! Nothing happened!" I told him to calm down, sit with me and talk. We ended up talking for the next two hours. He told me that while in Texas that weekend he had been bottling up a lot of emotion in the five weeks since we first had our talk about the L word. He spent the evening drinking and talking with his dad and brother. When he got home he was drunk and entertaining ideas of life without me. He went onto match.com and winked at some women. One responded and he was still conflicted, so he mentioned me to her. For one reason or another, he seems to think he is under pressure to decide on marriage now. I don't know if he feels that way because of something I did or said (although I told him I wasn't ready either) or that he is giving himself a strict timeline that he can't live up to (he keeps repeating he'll be 30 in two months), or that he's afraid of commitment because both his parents have divorced twice and married two awful people who actually emotionally scarred my bf in some way - or some mixture of all of the above. He's repeated often that he never wants to get divorced and never wants to follow in his parents' footsteps - which, so far, he has not done by being stable in every way but emotionally, apparently. We talked about him seeing a therapist, which we'll look into after this weekend. But now I'm not sure what to think. I was so ready to leave him that night based on his behavior (as much as it hurt me), but then he reveals the complexity of his inhibitions and this weird need to get married soon, and doesn't want to live with out me. He asked me again if what he was feeling was love by saying that he refused a job offer in other state because he doesn't want to leave me. He doesn't seem to know what love is or if he's feeling it with me. But it seems he doesn't want to end the relationship. REALLY doesn't want to. Yesterday he sent flowers to my office with a card that simply read "Love you." It almost hurts to see those two words because they feel forced. He doesn't know what he feels, but he wants to make me happy and tell me what I want to hear. He knows I'm still upset about the match.com thing, and now I'm feeling more distanced than ever. I just don't know how to proceed. He was sweet in his emails/texts yesterday, but very careful and knew when to back off. He knows he's in the hot seat and is playing the game just right. We're still planning to see where things go, and he will live with me for two months. But somehow, after this whole thing, I can't help but feel it's all a waste of time. I thought he would come around after two months of living together and then maybe some more months (after the one year mark), but now I'm having serious doubts he ever will. A therapist might be the answer, and I'm willing to be patient and help him any way I can... but I just don't know what to think anymore.
TaraMaiden Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 I am finding it very difficult to relate to this huge hesitancy to say the 'L' word, that so many Americans seem to have... i knew i was in love, and said so, in every relationship I've been in, within days of my meeting them. Let me put it into perspective for you: I'm 55 and in all my years, I've had 6 relationships. 6 sexual partners, six 'commitments'. So it's not like I've spewed the word love, with gay abandon every year.... My shortest relationship was 9 months, and I was 17..... So I think you guys have had absolutely mega-ample time to determine how you feel for each other. you're neither of you flighty, air-headed, tentative teenagers, fumbling with your first serious relationship... You're mature, competent adults, and frankly....? If neither of you is sure by now - I'd jump ship if i were you.
staticline Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 You obviously love your boyfriend a great deal and I'm sorry to say it, but I think you should give up on this guy and save yourself the future heartache. It sounds as though he could well have been messing around, but even if what he says is true and he's simply been conflicted and acting out - then you have to ask yourself why, at this late stage? I agree with TaraMaiden that 6 months is MORE THAN ENOUGH time to know whether you want to be with somebody or not. Besides - I find this duality of his character suspicious. The same man who can't tell his steady girlfriend he loves her because he's too hung up on ideals of marriage, thinks nothing of this harmless flirtation on dating websites? I find this all a bit strange. I suspect that more than anything this is a man who is simply hesitant to commit. I think he will waste you time. Sorry. :/ 1
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