jorgie4 Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 (edited) I just found out that a guy I was 'seeing' five years ago is getting married, and it has triggered some really unexpected feelings! It was always quite casual as he was in the forces, and I was at an age when I didn't want to be 'tied down'. We were so into each other, we got extremely close emotionally and the sex was amaaazing. I felt as though he would do anything for me and looking back, I think we most certainly loved each other. It was almost a dream relationship...which may well have been because we only experienced the fun side, as it wasn't serious enough for any stresses and strains. It lasted three years, and after a while, it ironically ended because I grew tired of the set-up and my feelings were too strong to keep it casual. I didn't tell him I wanted more, which I know is stupid...and I'm not even sure why. Maybe it was a confidence thing. Although he knew how into him I was, as we'd always tell each other how we felt. It came to quite an emotional end, and several months later, he got back in touch claiming that I was the only one he wanted. Only, I didn't feel the same anymore. As amazing as it was, gradually I had suffered too much hurt from feeling like the 'bit on the side', and like I wasn't good enough for anything more. Five years on, I can honestly say I have been over him emotionally ever since. I've always missed the passion that we had - something that I've never really experienced with anyone else. But I've always just got on with things and never really thought much about it. Until now. I find out that my first love is getting married, and I realise that I have never felt the same about anyone since. He's obviously completely moved on, and I need to do the same. But I thought I had. It's kind of like I'd forgot how good it was with him. And now I feel like I'm completely missing out, when thinking of the other guys I have dated, or had short relationships with. None of it has even come close to being as good. Although I have never consciously compared it. So from your experience, is it more common to meet a guy/girl who you have great chemistry with, good banter and you're both really into each other? Or not? I really am wondering if I'll ever meet anyone who I'll feel like that about again. We were a perfect match.....and I'm not doing a good job of it so far some wise words would be much appreciated. Thanks for reading my story guys Edited April 10, 2012 by jorgie4
Mr Scorpio Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 So from your experience, is it more common to meet a guy/girl who you have great chemistry with, good banter and you're both really into each other? Or not? Is it more common than not? Of course not. I mean, if it were, people wouldn't have trouble with dating. I'm assuming that isn't what you really meant to ask. It is certainly possible that you could find someone else with whom you can share a deep connection. But more common than not? Nowhere near it.
Author jorgie4 Posted April 11, 2012 Author Posted April 11, 2012 Yes I did mean to ask this. Everyone around me seems to be married/getting married/settled...and find it much easier than me to meet someone they actually like and connect with. So although I am aware there are people in the same boat as me, we definitely seem to be in the minority! I'm wondering if these lucky in love people have kept hold of the 'one' person that they felt like this with. Maybe if they hadn't, they too would be in the same dating boat. I've always wondered about people who seem to have one relationship after the next. Whilst I think it is quite sad and insecure...how DO they manage to find so many people that they are compatible with? Or are they just 'making do' because they are too scared to be single? Relationships confuse the hell out of me, as you may have guessed.
Emilia Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 I've always wondered about people who seem to have one relationship after the next. Whilst I think it is quite sad and insecure...how DO they manage to find so many people that they are compatible with? Or are they just 'making do' because they are too scared to be single? Relationships confuse the hell out of me, as you may have guessed. Many are quite self centered I'm convinced. A friend of mine fell hard for a guy, they went out for two years and she really loved him, they broke up because he never felt the same way. Yet 2-3 months later she was with someone (they have been together since) she met online dating. This guy isn't even good looking but he is infatuated with my friend and does anything she wants. They moved in together, he has money, etc. It's all about her and that's what she wanted at the end of the day. More than really loving someone.
brokenTom Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 jorgie4, Many of us have had similar experiences with our "first true loves" that we've lost. What may help is to consider that you were a different person back then, with a relatively whole, intact, heart. Since it was broken you've tried putting the pieces back together but some maybe don't fit perfectly or are smashed beyond repair. Even after you patch it up best you can there are still cracks and weak spots. I know it's a rather silly metaphor, but I guess my point is, one's needs can change over time and to expect to feel the same way as you did before isn't always a realistic goal. This doesn't mean you have "settle", but for some of us each "true love" feels unique, and we would've been able to reach that point if we were constantly holding onto the past as some kind of measuring stick - and anyways, love is more then 1 dimension. 1
quankanne Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 BrokenTom's words ring true: You have to look at it from the perspective of loving that other person when you were at that place in your life. Yeah, it's gonna look good, but in reality, if it *were* that good, you'd have ended up with that particular person. my belief is that every love relationship you experience takes you one step closer to the person you're meant to be with. So while you've invested your heart completely in a romance gone kaput, it doesn't mean you're not capable of finding a love that fills your heart. It's just not going to be the spitting image of that old love. I thought I'd met The One when we were in a college philosophy class together, because I'd fallen totally, madly and deeply in love with this guy. And the sex was explosive, so yeah, I was hooked. Problem was, he couldn't keep his hoo-hoo out of other women, and he ended up dumping me when his "girlfriend" I didn't know about left her marriage to be with him. I was devastated. Around this time, I met Mr. Q, who I thought was cute and nice, but I didn't see anything other than a nice guy I dated. things started getting more serious between us and we were exclusively dating long-distance, seeing each other twice a year whenever he was "home" from his overseas job. I cared about him, but wasn't "in love" with him the way I had been with College Guy. ended up marrying Mr. Q after an out of the blue discussion about him wanting to be together, mostly because I had a sure feeling about him being a good life partner. Mind you, my brain was still wrapped up in the romance of the other guy until I realized that I never could have had this with him because he didn't actually love me, and that i was stupidly trying to define my relationship with my husband based on some ideal that had nothing to do with who we were. I dont' have that same kind of desperate passion for my husband that I did for my ex, and I'm grateful for that, because it means I've allowed my heart to grow and be open to something that's much healthier because it's honest and it's real. so don't let this new information throw you in a funk ~ it's natural that you'll feel depressed because of your memories of him. Your mind and emotions will settle and you'll be able to look at it from a more mature perspective, realizing that your heart is bigger than what you shared with him.
Author jorgie4 Posted April 12, 2012 Author Posted April 12, 2012 Thanks so much for your advice guys. I guess it's not so much the person I am seeking, because as you say, I'm a very different person to who I was then, and he wouldn't be my 'ideal' now. But more the feeling of being completely comfortable with someone, knowing they would do anything for you & actually wanting them to, and almost as though they complete you in some way. Missing them when they are not there, being excited to see them and to top it off, having great chemistry. I know the reason he stands out is because he's possibly the only person I have ever had all that with. If I don't have all that with someone? I think I'd rather be single. I very much doubt I'd marry someone if I wasn't crazy about them.
yeahyeahyeah Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I don't have much advice to offer, but I can say that I know (at least a little bit) of what you're going through. I'm dating a great girl right now but I still can't get my ex out of my head (and it's been about a year since we broke up and we only dated 4 months). I think Quankanne's advice is really helpful. It also helps sometimes to remember all the bad things, all the miserable things. Don't concentrate on how they smiled, or laughed, or that time on saturday afternoon at their apartment, remember how they forgot to call, how they missed important events in your life, how their beliefs weren't actually similar to yours, etc. Because there are reasons for break-ups.
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