Standing_Firm Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 how do you set them?? What if one party does not agree with the boundaries that the other would like to implement?? Am in a long term relationship and we are to the point that I think that the boundaries that we had established for each other need to be revisited......to an extent. Me, personally, I have NEVER overstepped the boundaries that we discussed early on in our marriage..........lately, the wife has gotten close to pushing the limits of the boundaries. Would love some feedback............
Philosoraptor Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 You discuss the boundaries and what will result if those boundaries are crossed. If they are crossed you need to go through with whatever you decided would happen in that event. If you don't, you will be walked all over and treated with no respect.
2sunny Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 You discuss the boundaries and what will result if those boundaries are crossed. If they are crossed you need to go through with whatever you decided would happen in that event. If you don't, you will be walked all over and treated with no respect. I agree. We train people how to treat us. If she is too close to crossing a healthy boundary - then it's because you are allowing it! You may not be speaking your truth, pointing out the obvious, or saying NO! You may be allowing it by not showing that you think it's just wrong if she's acting inappropriately. If you want a new boundary - state exactly what that's supposed to look like - and state what you will or won't do if/when she crosses the boundary. Consequences help someone to understand that you aren't going to tolerate bad behavior!
KathyM Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 You need to discuss the boundaries with her and negotiate a compromise that you can both live with. If it concerns something you feel you can't budge on, then stand firm and state this is very important to you and not something you can compromise on. Tell her setting boundaries in a marriage is very important in protecting it, and that you value your marriage and want to keep it strong and healthy. If we knew specifically what boundaries you feel are being violated, we might be able to help you better.
Author Standing_Firm Posted April 10, 2012 Author Posted April 10, 2012 You need to discuss the boundaries with her and negotiate a compromise that you can both live with. If it concerns something you feel you can't budge on, then stand firm and state this is very important to you and not something you can compromise on. Tell her setting boundaries in a marriage is very important in protecting it, and that you value your marriage and want to keep it strong and healthy. If we knew specifically what boundaries you feel are being violated, we might be able to help you better. Okay, here it is..............early on in our marriage, we established the boundary and agreed that neither one of us (other than relatives of course) would spend any alone time with the opposite sex. No big deal right? As previously stated, I have never crossed this boundary......she has come close.........not intentionally though. I brought it up and she threw the 'you don't trust me' statement in my face. I do trust her and just wanted to remind her of our commitment that we had established with each other.
2sunny Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 Okay, here it is..............early on in our marriage, we established the boundary and agreed that neither one of us (other than relatives of course) would spend any alone time with the opposite sex. No big deal right? As previously stated, I have never crossed this boundary......she has come close.........not intentionally though. I brought it up and she threw the 'you don't trust me' statement in my face. I do trust her and just wanted to remind her of our commitment that we had established with each other. Why trust when it's not showing trustworthy behavior! If she says "you don't trust me?" you respond with " you're not acting trustworthy". She can either change THAT - or not! What she does - tells you everything she's not gonna tell. She will either start to become trustworthy again - or not.
Author Standing_Firm Posted April 10, 2012 Author Posted April 10, 2012 This may sound weird, but I have actually heard of some friends use the 'Tit for Tat' method with their wives...........like, if you are going to do it, I will to. Would something like that work? Not saying I am going to try it (I'm not that type of person).......but maybe just mentioning it??
KathyM Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 This may sound weird, but I have actually heard of some friends use the 'Tit for Tat' method with their wives...........like, if you are going to do it, I will to. Would something like that work? Not saying I am going to try it (I'm not that type of person).......but maybe just mentioning it?? That's not a good idea--compromising a boundary and participating in crossing it yourself. Only leads to a slippery slope for both of you. Who does she want to meet one-on-one, and under what circumstances?
Author Standing_Firm Posted April 10, 2012 Author Posted April 10, 2012 That's not a good idea--compromising a boundary and participating in crossing it yourself. Only leads to a slippery slope for both of you. Who does she want to meet one-on-one, and under what circumstances? She does not want to meet anyone one on one........there have been some cases where she COULD have been alone with the opposite sex and just was not paying attention. She is a VERY intelligent individual and I do not want to insult her intelligence by saying, 'hey stupid, pay attention to what you are doing!'
KathyM Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 She does not want to meet anyone one on one........there have been some cases where she COULD have been alone with the opposite sex and just was not paying attention. She is a VERY intelligent individual and I do not want to insult her intelligence by saying, 'hey stupid, pay attention to what you are doing!' What exactly IS she doing that is making you so uncomfortable and putting her in a vulnerable position? (And definately don't go around insulting her. That's not going to get you want you want.)
Author Standing_Firm Posted April 10, 2012 Author Posted April 10, 2012 What exactly IS she doing that is making you so uncomfortable and putting her in a vulnerable position? (And definately don't go around insulting her. That's not going to get you want you want.) It is really hard to explain......more of a feeling really. There have been some times where she could have put herself in an awkward situation if she had been trying to do so. Make sense?? It never got that far, I mentioned it, nothing more was said. I just want to make her aware that she could potentially cross the lines that we had established early on in our marriage..................
happyme Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 Hiya StandingFirm, These boundaries, are they sustainable? I mean, in every day life we are all going to be alone at some point with a person of the opposite sex, when we are out and about, work, school etc... Or do you mean alone with a member of the opposite sex in a social situation only? Just wondering.
GorillaTheater Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 Okay, here it is..............early on in our marriage, we established the boundary and agreed that neither one of us (other than relatives of course) would spend any alone time with the opposite sex. No big deal right? As previously stated, I have never crossed this boundary......she has come close.........not intentionally though. I brought it up and she threw the 'you don't trust me' statement in my face. I do trust her and just wanted to remind her of our commitment that we had established with each other. The last two people who asked "don't you trust me?" promptly tried to screw me. And not in in the fun way. What she's doing is playing the "controlling" card, which is even worse than the "you're insecure" card. I think most men hate being told that they're controlling, and will beat a hasty retreat. They don't want to be seeen in the same light as that dick who tries to micromanage his wife's life. Personally, I think it's a sh*t test. The best response is "I'm going to protect our marriage."
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