My Breakup & Possible GIGS

[EmergenC]

**Before I start, this breakup was about 4 months ago and I posted this on another forum but I have been reading Loveshack so much and there seem to be lots of great people here with great advice so I thought I would share my story**

 

I'll try and condense this as much as possible.

 

3.5 year relationship, split at the end of november, initiated by her.

 

She's 20 i'm 29. A few white lies were told at the start of the relationship regarding the age, I thought she was 21.. but anyway no biggies, it might however have made me a little reluctant to begin with having had messy age gap relationships in the past where the age gap was the other way around. I assumed it's a little easier with the man being older so I went with it. Most my previous GF's had been older than me. Personality wise, we got on absolutely fine.

 

Our situation was a little unique. I was in the UK she was from the USA. we spent about 18 months hopping back and forth then decided she would come to the UK, overstay and then we'd head back to the USA, marry and settle, which would also wipe out her travel ban for the UK. We stayed in the UK for 2 years, practically living on top of one another the whole time. She was from a small town in NC and was also home schooled so when she came to the UK it was her first time living in a big town. Really it's the last 6 - 8 months that things started to change. She had eventually made her own friends here, who unfortunately were not really my kind of people. Alcohol/constant partying, some drugs, all kinds of stuff. I'd tried my best to compromise in the relationship, understanding she was young and at that age when she would want to be experiencing these things. But it got to a point where she wouldn't even want to come back with me at the end of the night. The moment she got drunk she would be off by herself, away from me, dancing and partying away etc. She would want to stay at her friends house (this girl was around my age and still rocking out like she was a student).

 

This 'friend' of hers also had a bit of a grudge against me. When my GF wuold be drunk as hell at the end of the night, puking on the floor stumbling into traffic. Me stepping in and trying to get her home was interpreted as being 'controlling'. She had told my girlfriend as much. Unfortunately, while my GF has been here her family has changed a lot. She used to be super close to her mother and her sister. But as time has rolled on here she has stopped calling them and communicating with them much at all. She has almost completely cut them out and this 'friend' has become almost like her idol, fulfilling all the roles her family took as well as being her best friend.

 

I haven't been perfect during the relationship and recognised a time where i took things for granted for about 8 months, mostly during the middle of 2010 to the start of 2011. During 2010 I was also rather ill and struggling to get out of the house much. I suffer from generalised anxiety disorder, which was exacerbated during most of 2010 to the worst it's been in my entire life. I was struggling to get about and im sure wasn't much fun to be around. I had internalized a lot of myself. When you believe truly you're about to drop down dead 4 or 5 times, the resulting adrenaline and exhaustion that comes with the up and downs doesnt leave much energy for other people... I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Despite this I still did my best to function as well as possible, taking her around on mini vacations and roadtrips while we were here.

 

She was not perfect either. From spring 2011 there was a gradual change in her. I noticed a guy or 2 on facebook, that she had been talking with quite a lot. I trusted her at first, dropping her off places to meet these people etc etc. But it gradually became apparent they wanted more and took me a while to realise this, im too trusting of people I think upfront. I was gradually getting paranoid which was making me very insecure, something usually i'm not. However it was her lack of shutting these people down that was making me feel this way. I eventually one day, curiosity got the better of me and I grabbed her ipod while she was in the shower and found their conversations. It was mostly one way from them, and it became apparent that all she was doing was lapping up the attention from guys, without really giving them anything back... yet not shutting them down either.

 

As a person, she is very kind and gentle, a good heart and morals (until the last few months). She's not a cheat etc etc and none of this ever happened.

 

The last 6 or so months I have kind of become a glorified taxi service. She had definitely gradually began to take everything for granted. I know the age is a lot of the issues here. She's never had the adult responsibilities. She has never learnt about compromise in a relationship, or any of the other stuff that goes along with it. This ass of a guy also, she is in a promotions company with them. I had dropped her in town the one day to meet with them for an hour to discuss some stuff. Hour rolls by... im just going for a drink with them (this was after i'd found the stuff he was saying to her and had asked her not to do this stuf - id agreed to her still being a part of this promotions company but thats the end of it. Bare in mind this is just some amateur, student thing.. im not telling her not to do her job...she doenst have one here!). A few more hours roll by she says shes at a gig with them... I was getting so angry and upset. Then she called me to say she wont tell me where she is, but she isnt coming back that night. I was SO mad and upset and hurt. Anyway this was about 2 or 3 months back. So you can see clearly, she had begun to walk all over me.

 

Anyway, the night of the break up was another night out. We had a smallish/medium argument in the middle of the week because she told me the night we were going out again she wanted to stay out all night and go to her friends house. I was upset after I thought we had agreed to work on this and be able to have a nice night out together and come home together like all my other friends who are in couples!! We had managed to do this a week or 2 before. We had a nice night out on one of her art/gig exhibition nights, I stayed out till she wanted then we came home together. I felt really good about that and told her so.

 

Anyway, we had a couple of small arguments that night... one of the guys who's always flirting with her, who I found the facebook messages was hawking around her and giving me knowing looks being an ass. I had been outside the venue for a half hour or so to make a phone call and when I returned he was around her. He walked off when he saw me etc etc and she looked at me angry saying 'it's not what you think' etc etc. She had also started to get drunk when i'd asked her to save money earlier in the week because we had a meal planned to go to the following day. I completely supported her financially while she was here, clothes, gadgets, food gas electric etc. This was one of very very few times when I had asked to borrow money from her for a few days to cover the meal until later that week I could pay her back. Anyway, she had spent the money and I was upset at her. Later in the night she had just vanished.. the moment she starts drinking she changes completely into someone I don't even know. Since she discovered alcohol here in the UK it had become more and more of a problem, this side of her. Completely drunk and irresponsible etc etc. I drove to drop some of my friends off home and she called me saying the bar was closing where was I? I told her i'd be back in 2 minutes, I was just round the corner dropping off our friends be right back. She called me 60 seconds after and said just leave it, she's going off she'd see me tomorrow. I said i'd come to wherever they were going but she didnt want to tell me. She just moaned and we hung up.

 

The following day, she told me she was staying another night. I knew something was up because this has never happened. I was upset and wanted her to come back because I knew something was wrong. I was quite weak and sad and a little on the begging side when we did speak that week, even though I left her alone pretty much.. just once each day when we spoke I would crumble. By the weekend, she sent me a text saying she doesnt think she wants this anymore, sorry to do it by text, call if i need to to talk. I left her alone in silence for 2 days.. then my friend called me and told me to call her. BIG mistake, I begged and pleaded etc all the wrong stuff, I agreed to drive her from her friends to my place to collect her things so I could talk to her. I was out of town at the time at my sisters for support and drove 100 miles to do this. When I got there she was completely shut down, like a brick wall was around her heart, I couldnt get through to her... I was begging and all sorts of crap, telling her I could change etc etc etc (in retrospect we both have things to work on - but at the time I couldnt see her flaws).

 

After a half hour she called me and was sad on the phone, saying I dont want you to think im a * * * * * etc etc I was saying stuff like maybe someday we could try again, and she said maybe in a few years. We spoke for about an hour. In the car while i was driving her back, she didnt really give me any concrete answers, just that her feelings had changed, she still loved me but wasnt sure if she was in love with me. This was all during a very hasty conversation in the car when I was squealing like a little * * * * * . After this I pretty much left her alone, she called me upset a few days later because immigration had contacted her looking for her etc, we spoke for a while. Afterwards I text her saying this was all stupid crap, we could be getting ready for a nice thanksgiving and xmas, instead she's sleeping in her friends frozen cold spare room with no money for food etc etc. This * * * * * ass friends of hers, is one of those that spends alllll her money on going out and booze and has the electric or gas cut off on alternating months because she isnt paying the bills... bearing in mind she's my age yet still behaving like a student. Now like I say, personality wise me and my GF got on great, i'm a big kid myself, im just responsible about things, as happens as we get older. I work in entertainment. Anyway, after this I left her alone for about 5 days. This took things to about 2 weeks apart and 1 week since we split. That morning I wrote an email, mostly to myself, almost as a catharsis. When I reached the end, I realized it was so neutral and true I just thought, balls to it, and emailed it to her. Looking back I still don't regret this. There was no begging or whining etc etc. I made a nice long letter about where I think we gradually went wrong, how it was difficult living on top of each other 24/7 for 2 years and how that would have killed most couples after 6 months. How I hoped for sure one day we could try again, because we never really had a proper break like other couples could because of our circumstances to get perspective on the situation so I hoped there was room for a second chance down the line. It was just a nice balanced email ending by wishing her well etc.

 

Since then, ive left it. It's coming up to about 5 weeks no contact we've been split about 6 weeks. There was nothing from her at xmas or new years. For 2 people that spent every day together naturally this feels odd. We left each other on facebook which i'm a little worried that she thinks it's some kind of passive aggressive tool. I have good friends who have fed back to me that she isnt seeing anyone else, casually or otherwise. Were on about super model good looks here. So her damn facebook lit up like a tree with sharks swimming round her the moment we split up. But I have super close friends that have been round the house, been with her on nights out etc... there's been nothing, she isnt interested. She has been lapping up the attention, but that's all. My friends have been slipping a good word in for me here and there, she doesnt tell them to shut up or leave it etc. They have said that she does seem very very lost and rather sad. Her * * * * ing * * * * * * * * * * * * friend I also found out had been convincing her to break up with me 'be single, do your own thing' etc. This girl is a complete maneater, using guys for whatever she wants. I told my GF this months ago and she would always defend that girl, like I said, she was like her best friend/sister/mother all rolled into one. From what ive heard the last few weeks, she had spent pretty much the last 4 weeks or so completely stone cold drunk so I dont think the reality has hit her of everything just yet. People have told me she appears sad, down, lonely.. it appears that the honeymoon period, the 24hr party scenario over there is starting to end. She is also now getting very low on money, her friend had her working illegaly for a time but I think they got sacked or something. Her mother, when she emails her, relayed a message for me at new years - I wanted to reach out a little at least in a passive fashion so it didnt set me back to day 1 emotionally. And she didnt respond to the message or tell her mother to shut up. It said something along the lines of I hope 2012 can be our year, I love and miss holding her. I got on great with her mother and family so they have been in fairly regular contact with me. Naturally they are very concerned about her, even her sister says she doesnt recognise who she is. They are slowly trying to get her to return home before immigration grab her as it appears they're onto her. Of course im hoping when she gets back...really she's returning to nothing. Everything she built up here in the UK was through me, I bought her into my life. So I guess i'm hoping when she gets back and all this crazy party thing falls away, that's when the true thinking will begin because she will return to what she had before we met, which in essence, was nothing as far as a life is concerned.

 

I left her on my facebook... ive tried not to look at her profile. The profile pictures she has been posting are of her looking quite melancholic (beautiful but sad all the same). She seems to be trying to be cheery every now and again but you can tell underneath shes down. I had heard that for new years she just wanted to stay home and do nothing. The party is definitely coming to an end over there. There's also almost 0 new pictures going up whereas when we were together we were always travelling on roadtrips and putting up pictures all the time. There has been next to nothing of anything apart from the new melancholic pictures. In contrast, over xmas, i went abroad to stay with family and ive been here having a great time, however sad and lonely underneath. Ive got loads of new pictures up of me out and about doing things. Ive been trying to be a more positive outgoing person, for myself y'know, but also so she could see that I had it in me... and I was truly just holding stuff off while we were in the UK because our life would start elsewhere.... I didnt want to start a life only to have to shut it back down... ive moved round before and it's a painful process. I was so worried that she would think it was turning into some passive aggressive game which is partly why i was glad her family passed that message on about me missing her and hoping we could sort things out in 2012. I wanted her to know I still cared. There has been silly picture taking down games but i try not to read into that too much. I noticed the first time someone passed a message to her about me still caring she took down a big chunk of our pics on facebook. Then again the day after xmas... there's literally just a handful up now, but it was weird the way she did it. I dont understand and as it's facebook, i dont think im going to try to understand =]

 

Im so sorry this is so long... I guess i'm looking for advice, am I doing the right thing by playing it cool and just leaving her be for now ? I realise there's an 'age of discovery' thing going on with her exploring things for the first time now she's free for the first time as an adult to make her own decisions... but then theres also the screwed up situation that shes 5000 miles from her real home and everything she has here is just dust really.

 

I actually love this one, so I want to do whats right to give us the best chance down the line.

 

**Since I originally posted this about a month after the breakup, I found out she had gone on to start seeing another guy a couple of weeks after we broke up. This guy she had started to get to know about a month before we broke up. They are now officially, "in a relationship" which then became long distance when she got caught and deported back to the USA. I spent most of my time trying NIC, she emailed me the first week of January, neutral stuff really about nothing much important. I made it clear how I still felt without dwelling on it too much and then we both went back to NC. I found out about the new guy at the end of Jan when she got deported. Since then I removed her from facebook & went strict NC. She hasn't reached out to me, it's just been total silence between us.**

[Phanpooh]

I thought this is my story :-) and i wonder we may date a same girl XD

thank for sharing ur story, in my case, i cut her out of my life after she told me she might not love me in future.

[flitzanu]

i apologize in advance, i've not read the whole post (no time right now) but the first line gave it away.

 

you're 29 and she's 20.

 

even without reading i'm assuming she got fickle and distant and decided things were too fast, and she needed time, break, space, etc and now you wonder what happened?

 

what happened is that she's 20. you're more mature and not as fickle as you were at that age, she hasn't experienced life and is now realizing the world is opening up to her, so she wants to explore.

 

not an age-ist insult, just a pretty standard result of dating that age.

[Phanpooh]

how about 23 and 24 ? and my story is the same as his

[EmergenC]

i apologize in advance, i've not read the whole post (no time right now) but the first line gave it away.

 

you're 29 and she's 20.

 

even without reading i'm assuming she got fickle and distant and decided things were too fast, and she needed time, break, space, etc and now you wonder what happened?

 

what happened is that she's 20. you're more mature and not as fickle as you were at that age, she hasn't experienced life and is now realizing the world is opening up to her, so she wants to explore.

 

not an age-ist insult, just a pretty standard result of dating that age.

 

No totally I understand, the age-gap was never an issue for us.. the age itself towards the end, was.

 

Yeah there were multiple little reasons for the breakup looking back now. Between us personally, the only conflict we had really was her changing behaviors which is when we started to argue. Again, not so much, just from time to time. I was blindsided by the breakup. The night we went on a break I couldn't believe it, we had a tiny disagreement on a night out over her spending all the money we had on booze, that we needed some of for the following day when we had a meal for the 2 of us booked.

 

I'm not trying to demonize her, because she was a lovely person and easily my happiest most full of love relationship. But I could see the cracks from last summer onwards and it was predominantly an age/experience thing and the start of GIGS (I think i'm no expert) behaviors.

 

The breakup happened 4 months ago, I wanted to cross post my story here from another forum, because there seem to be some great expert opinions here. And I just have that feeling that someday she will reach out somehow, possibly going through her gigs/growing phase..I don't know... I just know i'm straight here for help when that day comes!

 

For now, she's off enjoying her relationship she hopped into a week or 2 after we finished, i'm sure i'm not even on the radar!

 

edit - don't apologise for not reading the whole post! I didn't realize how much i'd written until afterwards!

Edited April 11, 2012 by EmergenC

[flitzanu]

 

well the age was all i needed. i just got out of dating a 20 yr old girl, and i'm older than you. much as you said, things were fine, until responsibility that comes with aged maturity comes into play.

 

any step you make toward them that even remotely seems to be controlling (i.e. - parental) they will freak. consider it like they've been parented and taken care of most of their lives, and now they are "an adult" and don't need "you" telling them what to do with money, life, etc.

 

she may come to realize later that you were trying to be helpful and not a dick, but who knows.

 

i can say that a VERY long time ago i had slightly similar situation but she was 20 and i was 25, and ten years later she did come back to apologize, that now only a decade afterwards she realized i was only trying to do what was best for her, when she took it that i was running her life.

 

it's amazing what years on the planet can do for wisdom.

[EmergenC]

Wow that apology was a long time coming!

 

Was she looking for anything more, or just putting old demons to rest ?

[flitzanu]

Wow that apology was a long time coming!

 

Was she looking for anything more, or just putting old demons to rest ?

 

well, she married the fella she left me to pursue, and now has 3 kids and lives in another state. he absolutely controls her entire life, and she isn't allowed to speak to me, friends, or even her family.

 

she'd admitted in the past also that "she got what she asked for" as in, the opposite of me. so yeah, i mean in other circumstances, i certainly believe it was a cry for help, one that she's realized ten years later that her life is now horrible and that we coulda been great together. some people you just love forever, i'm a believer in true twin-souls.

 

also in terms of the last communication she had with me, it almost caused a divorce. i'm not sure how i believe about exes coming back though, i mean, most times the old problems resurface, but some have perfect reconnections. i've never had any luck with second chances.