The aftermath of a betrayal. Did he stop, or is he just hiding better?

[tainted white]

First post here, please help Trying to keep this as short as I can...

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for close to a year now. The situation in a nutshell - I found out that he had been doing things behind my back - dialing sex chat hotlines at least twice, creating a 'secret' facebook account, and a 'secret' dating site account (he'd made a big show of shutting down his original one to appease me), sending sleazy messages, an email with a photo of a girl (she'd sent it to him), and a couple of very short sex-chat logs. The messages were random and sporadic, just maybe, a few messages every month or two. But this had been going on for months without me knowing. I tried to break up with him when i found out, but he begged me not to, telling me that it was all 'just for fun'.

 

We have always had a close, loving, relationship, but all throughout, it was peppered with other incidences like these, although on a less sleazy level. To top it all off, he had a gambling addiction that he didn't want to admit to, and it only came to light when he was overwhelmed by debts, and had to come to me for help.

 

In other words, he had been telling me many, many lies, repeatedly

 

I forgave him in the end, on account of his otherwise good behaviour as a boyfriend, and because I love him, so much. And in return, he promised to make up for his actions, and try his best to prove that he'd changed.

 

Fast forward to today, just 2 months later. In the past two months, my insecurities rocketed. I tried my best to keep them to myself, but they slipped out in ways that he thought of as 'controlling' and 'scrutinizing'. Yesterday it all blew up when I noticed that 1. there was a page in his iphone history, on gmail that was logged out of (possibly another secret gmail account?), and 2.he had at some point in time within the past 2 months, set his text and whatsapp ringtone to silent.

 

I confronted him about both incidences (on seperate days), and he lost his cool. in all fairness, what I did was find something amiss, and ask him what was up. I might have been unhappy, but I did NOT blow up, neither did i give him crap or push him for answers. But to him, I was 'getting angry over little things', and i was 'scrutinizing him'.

 

The ringtone confrontation happened on a train ride home. After a very brief argument, I stood up and got down at my stop, without speaking a word to him. He texted me after I got off the train, ranting about my 'attitude problem', so I shot him a quick message telling him that we should call it quits if he was this tired of everything. And all he replied was 'sure. i'm tired of being questioned and I can't live like this'. We haven't had any contact since...

 

So I just want to ask now....What course of action should I take next? Should I stay or leave? Was I wrong to have doubted him, and was I being overly paranoid, etc? I'm so confused right now...he has never showed signs of being an unfaithful boyfriend, always wanted to spend time with me, was mostly affectionate and loving, regularly updated me on his whereabouts, included me in all of his family outings, and even gave me the password to all of his accounts (other than any possible newly created ones). Although recently, I'm not sure if it's my sixth sense or me being paranoid, but I do feel a bit of distance...him pulling away from a hug just a second quicker than usual, being silent throughout an entire train ride, little things like that.

 

Please help me. I'm so clouded by emotion right now, I can't really think straight. Did I make a mistake in taking him back..? Or was I the cause of everything? Any opinions and help is much needed right now. Hugs to everyone who reads!

[2sunny]

Don't go back.

 

You should feel relieved. Google gas lighting - seems he was doing that to you. He also seems a bit emotionally controlling and abusive.

[tainted white]

2sunny: thanks for your reply! I understand about gaslighting, but I am admittedly an insecure person at times. Although this time I have good reason to be so, after finding out about all his lying, I also understand that insecurity is quick to drive a person away. So I'm wondering if this is what's happening, or was his sudden outburst an indication of guilt?

 

Welcoming more opinions if possible, please

[veggirl]

OMG your BF is such a loser. Sorry but no he is NOT a good BF in any way, shape or form!

 

*sex chats

*exchanging pics

*secret dating accounts

*secret facebook

*gambling addiction

 

Okay...just one of those should have sent you running. The combination of them is unbelievable. Seriously. And then you are to blame for not trusting him? He's NOT trust worthy, he's not a good boyfriend, he is completely manipulating and disrespecting you and knows he can get away with whatever he wants

 

Please leave him. You deserve better...what is there to love about a lying cheat? He isn't sweet, he's an a$$!

[tainted white]

veggirl: yea, i'm afraid logically it would seem that way

 

Well trying my best to be objective without seeming like i'm defending him...he's shouldered the blame, and admitted to his faults. He has his good points. If he was a complete douchebag - abusive and neglectful, I would have left him pronto. But he's spent all his time with me, has always been reliable, tried his best to incorporate me into his life. It's all these seemingly 'committed' acts that are making me second-guess myself. He's already overcome the gambling, even handing all his salary over to me for safekeeping (we're from an asian country, and it's not unusual to do so, although it is still quite rare for an unmarried couple).

 

I did believe that everyone deserves a second chance, but apparently, it was much more difficult to get over the cheating than I'd thought. And counter-productively, my insecurities are just pushing him away right now.

 

So that's pretty much both sides of the situation...are the cons still far outweighing the pros?

[350z_guy]

Gas lighting!!Been a victim of this tactic for years now, never had a word for it,

Thanks!

[tainted white]

Just to add on...he doesn't blame me for not trusting him, but I had a talk with him today, and he's admitted that all my insecurities and paranoia are too much for him to handle, hence the break that he's suggested we go on.

[veggirl]

Well trying my best to be objective without seeming like i'm defending him...he's shouldered the blame, and admitted to his faults. He has his good points.

 

Shouldering the blame when YOU screw up doesn't earn a person brownie points. It's called being a grown up.

 

If he was a complete douchebag - abusive and neglectful, I would have left him pronto. But he's spent all his time with me, has always been reliable, tried his best to incorporate me into his life. It's all these seemingly 'committed' acts that are making me second-guess myself.

 

He is emotionally abusive and VERY neglectful--seeking out other women. Hello?

 

I did believe that everyone deserves a second chance, but apparently, it was much more difficult to get over the cheating than I'd thought. And counter-productively, my insecurities are just pushing him away right now.

 

Second chance? Sounds like you've caught him doing many things, many times. So this is not a second chance. It's like a 10th chance.

 

 

So that's pretty much both sides of the situation...are the cons still far outweighing the pros?

 

yes. by miles.

 

Just to add on...he doesn't blame me for not trusting him, but I had a talk with him today, and he's admitted that all my insecurities and paranoia are too much for him to handle, hence the break that he's suggested we go on.

 

:rolleyes: Shocking. Again, blaming you. What a guy.

[serialgf]

It sounds like you are being quite insecure, but it also sounds like he is giving you plenty of reasons to doubt him. It just sounds like you're incompatible. Even if he's not actually cheating on you, he's being shady and you can't/won't deal with it, even though you want to because you like him. What is it that you like about him? Do the positives outweigh the negatives? I have had many similar experiences and let me tell you it is much much better when you meet someone who has similar habits/ideas of what is okay behavior than you do. The person I am currently with values openness as much as i do so i am in turn a lot calmer. I would advise you to get out of this relationship while you have the momentum going, he sounds like not a good match for you. Best of luck!

[tainted white]

you guys are right. after suggesting the 'break' and having a long talk online with me last night, he just went and added new girls on his facebook, and messaged whoever was willing to reply him. there he was, telling me about how he needed a break to figure out if he was able to commit. and there he was behind my back, up to his **** again. i only knew because he'd changed his facebook password, not knowing that i'd managed to break the password (again).

 

someone, please slap me awake i'm having so much trouble reconciling both sides of his personality...

[veggirl]

you guys are right. after suggesting the 'break' and having a long talk online with me last night, he just went and added new girls on his facebook, and messaged whoever was willing to reply him. there he was, telling me about how he needed a break to figure out if he was able to commit. and there he was behind my back, up to his **** again. i only knew because he'd changed his facebook password, not knowing that i'd managed to break the password (again).

 

someone, please slap me awake i'm having so much trouble reconciling both sides of his personality...

 

You dumped him then, right?

[2sunny]

you guys are right. after suggesting the 'break' and having a long talk online with me last night, he just went and added new girls on his facebook, and messaged whoever was willing to reply him. there he was, telling me about how he needed a break to figure out if he was able to commit. and there he was behind my back, up to his **** again. i only knew because he'd changed his facebook password, not knowing that i'd managed to break the password (again).

 

someone, please slap me awake i'm having so much trouble reconciling both sides of his personality...

 

Stop communicating with him. Don't even bother checking his Facebook. Unfriendly him and don't talk or "chat" any further!

 

He lies! He doesn't do what he states... That's enough to never speak to him ever again!

[PegNosePete]

I forgave him in the end, on account of his otherwise good behaviour as a boyfriend

Huh?!?!?!

 

NOT doing all of this stuff is prerequisite for good behaviour as a boyfriend. It's like saying a murderer is a good person apart from killing one person so we'll just let him go shall we?

 

Ditch this jerk and find someone who will respect you. This loser clearly doesn't.

 

there he was, telling me about how he needed a break to figure out if he was able to commit.

It's usually the girls that pull these bogus "break" and "figure things out" lines. Let me translate what this really means. It means he wants to try out the waters with someone else and see if it works out. If not then he'll be back at your door expecting you to take him back. That is what "able to commit" means. It means that you're his backup plan.

Edited April 11, 2012 by PegNosePete

[tainted white]

Stop communicating with him. Don't even bother checking his Facebook. Unfriendly him and don't talk or "chat" any further!

 

He lies! He doesn't do what he states... That's enough to never speak to him ever again!

 

You dumped him then, right?

i haven't dumped him, but i intend to. i'm just so afraid that i'll cave in again if he begs. which is probably why i'm posting here. in spite of what he's done, he'd brought me much laughter, stood by my side when i hit a few rough patches (regarding work, family etc), was actually THERE for me whenever i needed him. With a guy who's by your side everyday, allows you to check his mobile, even hands his salary and all of his cards to you, a woman any less paranoid than me, would never have thought of snooping.

 

in other words if I hadn't gone by my gut feeling and snooped, i would never have found out a thing. i hope this doesn't seem like i'm defending him, no. i am very aware that what he's done is very wrong. what i'm trying to say, is that it's difficult to detach because he'd never let me down in any other aspects of our relationship.

 

But i do know what i have to do...so here's hoping that i'll find the strength to move on.

Edited April 11, 2012 by tainted white

[tainted white]

Huh?!?!?!

Ditch this jerk and find someone who will respect you. This loser clearly doesn't.

plan.

reminder to self. thank you, i really need this right now.

[tainted white]

i haven't dumped him, but i intend to. i'm just so afraid that i'll cave in again if he begs. which is probably why i'm posting here. in spite of what he's done, he'd brought me much laughter, stood by my side when i hit a few rough patches (regarding work, family etc), was actually THERE for me whenever i needed him. With a guy who's by your side everyday, allows you to check his mobile, even hands his salary and all of his cards to you, a woman any less paranoid than me, would never have thought of snooping.

 

correction to that last sentence - a woman any less paranoid than me would never have thought of snooping, at least not for the first time round anyway.

[tainted white]

and truth be told...(it's very difficult for me to admit this, so please, be gentle) i'm not the easiest of girlfriends to be with. i have a bad temper, i'm actually quite possessive and insecure at times, but he's put up with all this for the past year. so yes, i'm actually afraid that i might not be able to find another who is able to calm me down like he did.

 

Thank you all so much for your input so far. I really do appreciate them

Edited April 11, 2012 by tainted white

[PegNosePete]

Don't go blaming yourself. If he felt like he could not cope with your possessiveness / insecurity / temper etc, then he should have said something, not cheated on you.

 

Who cares if you can't find someone else to calm you down? It's not worth staying with a cheating liar just because you don't know whether you'll find anyone better or not. Better to be single than put up with that.

[tainted white]

PegNosePete: thanks. i'm trying very hard. it's not just about being single, but cutting off a very important piece of my heart.

 

its been 5 days since we stopped contact, i've been getting on with my life as usual. connecting with friends, concentrating on my interests, chatting with people online...

 

i haven't shed a tear since then, until today when i was overcome by a moment of weakness, i tried to log in to his facebook, and realized that he'd changed the password again. this time i can't crack it anymore. perhaps to me this signified a complete cut of ties, and i just started to tear uncontrollably.

 

it's only been 5 days, but it seems so much longer. it's difficult to stay strong. everyone thinks i'm happy, but the smile on my face isn't real. i really need this to pass soon...

[BewitchedandBothered]

First post here, please help Trying to keep this as short as I can...

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for close to a year now. The situation in a nutshell - I found out that he had been doing things behind my back - dialing sex chat hotlines at least twice, creating a 'secret' facebook account, and a 'secret' dating site account (he'd made a big show of shutting down his original one to appease me), sending sleazy messages, an email with a photo of a girl (she'd sent it to him), and a couple of very short sex-chat logs. The messages were random and sporadic, just maybe, a few messages every month or two. But this had been going on for months without me knowing. I tried to break up with him when i found out, but he begged me not to, telling me that it was all 'just for fun'.

 

We have always had a close, loving, relationship, but all throughout, it was peppered with other incidences like these, although on a less sleazy level. To top it all off, he had a gambling addiction that he didn't want to admit to, and it only came to light when he was overwhelmed by debts, and had to come to me for help.

 

In other words, he had been telling me many, many lies, repeatedly

 

I forgave him in the end, on account of his otherwise good behaviour as a boyfriend, and because I love him, so much. And in return, he promised to make up for his actions, and try his best to prove that he'd changed.

 

Fast forward to today, just 2 months later. In the past two months, my insecurities rocketed. I tried my best to keep them to myself, but they slipped out in ways that he thought of as 'controlling' and 'scrutinizing'. Yesterday it all blew up when I noticed that 1. there was a page in his iphone history, on gmail that was logged out of (possibly another secret gmail account?), and 2.he had at some point in time within the past 2 months, set his text and whatsapp ringtone to silent.

 

I confronted him about both incidences (on seperate days), and he lost his cool. in all fairness, what I did was find something amiss, and ask him what was up. I might have been unhappy, but I did NOT blow up, neither did i give him crap or push him for answers. But to him, I was 'getting angry over little things', and i was 'scrutinizing him'.

 

The ringtone confrontation happened on a train ride home. After a very brief argument, I stood up and got down at my stop, without speaking a word to him. He texted me after I got off the train, ranting about my 'attitude problem', so I shot him a quick message telling him that we should call it quits if he was this tired of everything. And all he replied was 'sure. i'm tired of being questioned and I can't live like this'. We haven't had any contact since...

 

So I just want to ask now....What course of action should I take next? Should I stay or leave? Was I wrong to have doubted him, and was I being overly paranoid, etc? I'm so confused right now...he has never showed signs of being an unfaithful boyfriend, always wanted to spend time with me, was mostly affectionate and loving, regularly updated me on his whereabouts, included me in all of his family outings, and even gave me the password to all of his accounts (other than any possible newly created ones). Although recently, I'm not sure if it's my sixth sense or me being paranoid, but I do feel a bit of distance...him pulling away from a hug just a second quicker than usual, being silent throughout an entire train ride, little things like that.

 

Please help me. I'm so clouded by emotion right now, I can't really think straight. Did I make a mistake in taking him back..? Or was I the cause of everything? Any opinions and help is much needed right now. Hugs to everyone who reads!

 

It's only been a year; and most of it was filled with his deceit. If it's one thing I have learned, it's this...When someone gets a little too upset with you for asking a simple question, then turns the tables on you for being 'paranoid', "I can't live like this", etc. you know he has issues. He made no effort to make YOU the priority. He is sneaky and it won't get better. If you point something out to him that makes you uneasy, he will treat you like YOU have the problem. Ditch this snake in the grass.

[BewitchedandBothered]

and truth be told...(it's very difficult for me to admit this, so please, be gentle) i'm not the easiest of girlfriends to be with. i have a bad temper, i'm actually quite possessive and insecure at times, but he's put up with all this for the past year. so yes, i'm actually afraid that i might not be able to find another who is able to calm me down like he did.

 

Thank you all so much for your input so far. I really do appreciate them

 

,,,he caused you to be those things, though. The right man won't give you reason to feel those things. And if you do feel those things, he will make damned sure to move mountains to prove he is a good, decent man. Not make you out to be the problem.

[tainted white]

BewitchedandBothered: you're right. well i've had no contact with for 6 days now. i know it's still early, but i'm starting to come to terms with what i SHOULD do, and doing my best to move on. Your encouragements are all helping me very much. Thank you all for replying