sigurpol Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 Meaning, is there someone of your dating past that you always (or used to always) fall for? How did you eventually shake this person and move on? I realize that's an obvious question (assuming most answers would be, 'you just decide to move on'), but I'm curious about personal accounts. I'm currently going through someone who, for the third time now, has reeled me in and keeps me at arms length. It's driving me insane.
counterman Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 Yes, I have, there was this one girl in high school. She drove me insane. She would flirt with me heaps but it would only go as far as that. She would whisper in my eye, wink at me in class, and so on. The way I moved on? I spoke to other girls and soon, I was interested in another girl, who was also interested in me.
wwwjd Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 hmmm well this will be rough on me, and sound stupid to everyone else. She was amazing on the love front (not sex). And I fell HARD for everything she dished out, was pondering marriage for life... then discovered bipolar near MPD issues from childhood, and that all that warm fuzziness love connection was not REALLY real. Quite the rug puller. Took me years to get over it, but I will ALWAYS remember and feel what that was like - deepest true love I have ever experienced - even if it was not real. I keep that feeling and experience locked away behind a steel door in my heart's "museum of memories". Metaphor I made to help deal. I see the door in my mind, I know what is behind there but I stay away from it, keep it locked up. If I EVER need to, I can open it and let it remind me so I can recognize the real thing, or know something wrong is currently touching me. It is kept, but ignored forever, to be used as a guide and reference. Nothing keeps me from loving again, but I keep it close there as a reminder that sometimes some things that are too good to be real are not real. 1
Author sigurpol Posted April 10, 2012 Author Posted April 10, 2012 hmmm well this will be rough on me, and sound stupid to everyone else. She was amazing on the love front (not sex). And I fell HARD for everything she dished out, was pondering marriage for life... then discovered bipolar near MPD issues from childhood, and that all that warm fuzziness love connection was not REALLY real. Quite the rug puller. Took me years to get over it, but I will ALWAYS remember and feel what that was like - deepest true love I have ever experienced - even if it was not real. I keep that feeling and experience locked away behind a steel door in my heart's "museum of memories". Metaphor I made to help deal. I see the door in my mind, I know what is behind there but I stay away from it, keep it locked up. If I EVER need to, I can open it and let it remind me so I can recognize the real thing, or know something wrong is currently touching me. It is kept, but ignored forever, to be used as a guide and reference. Nothing keeps me from loving again, but I keep it close there as a reminder that sometimes some things that are too good to be real are not real. That's really interesting, but forgive me as I'm a little confused. Was it you who discovered that YOU had the issues, or her? Just the way I read it, I wasn't sure. Sorry to pry further on something you hold close.
Jane2011 Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 I'm glad to say that, no, I don't have a particular guy who keeps going in and out of my life and from whose grasp I can't seem to loosen myself. (Like a Mr. Big type?). I've been a serial monogamist my whole life. Even when I still have contact with someone from my past who conceivably could have some sort of "hooked" or "magnet" effect on me, I instead tend to be over it, i.e. the ship has sailed; even if he's still good-looking and the same person I was attracted to before, I'm not into him anymore.
somedude81 Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 How did you eventually shake this person and move on? She kicked me out of her life, refused to speak to me from then on, and is moving to Japan in a few months.
veggirl Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 Yeah there used to be. It was 4 yrs of push and pull, on and off but never truly on. If there were a few months where we decided we were done, one of us always broke NC. It was terribly unhealthy. I guess you just (hopefully) get to the point where its not worth it. I decided I'd rather be alone than deal with that. The bad times were not worth the good ones, even though the good times were unparalleled for a long time. I wanted something more and I was willing to have nothing to risk finding that something. It's hard, I totally get it. I struggled for years! When I was done, I was done. I just...made the decision. I decided not to cave in the next time he called (after we'd decided we were done). He messaged me on FB a few months after we were "done" (done again). I didn't give in and it was great. I wouldn't be with my current BF if I didn't make the conscious effort to let the BS from the past go. It was worth it. You just get to that point where you CAN'T go back. you figure out that you'll NEVER go forward if you keep going BACK. It can take a long time for that to sink in and to accept that "forward" will NEVER include that person. 1
ThaWholigan Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 I never dated her but she used to hook me. Till recently. I had already been pretty OK with it all anyway, but I was completely free of my somewhat mild infatuation of her at last, after 7 years . Feels like the end of a saga, she's the only girl I ever really properly liked on a strong romantic level. She's still hot though
veggirl Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 It's not a romantic notion--the one who always hooks you. People get caught up in the whirlwind and excitement of like, the Mr Big type...the idea that eventually it will all work out. The fact is, if it's right it isn't so much work. Less romantic, in a dramatic sense, but a healthy thing to recognize. 1
ThaWholigan Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 It's not a romantic notion--the one who always hooks you. People get caught up in the whirlwind and excitement of like, the Mr Big type...the idea that eventually it will all work out. The fact is, if it's right it isn't so much work. Less romantic, in a dramatic sense, but a healthy thing to recognize. Agreed, I just didn't have a better term to sum up how I felt about the girl.
veggirl Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 Agreed, I just didn't have a better term to sum up how I felt about the girl. Oh no, I think we posted at the same time I was directing my afterthought towards OP who apparently is back with the "hook-er"
ThaWholigan Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 Oh no, I think we posted at the same time I was directing my afterthought towards OP who apparently is back with the "hook-er" Ah, my mistake. Point still stands though, it wasn't as romantic as I thought. She's a good friend who happens to be extremely hot, and as much as I already liked her as a friend, I also realized that the basis for the crush was just plain lust because she was hot. Thinking about it, if we ever did date, it would never have worked. We both agreed the sex probably would have been great though . Perhaps we'll never know.......
Author sigurpol Posted April 10, 2012 Author Posted April 10, 2012 Oh no, I think we posted at the same time I was directing my afterthought towards OP who apparently is back with the "hook-er" Haha, this confused me as well for a moment. Good thing you clarified! It's a mixture of some thoughts. One being, "what IF it works out, and I walked away from this! all that work!" and "what could I do about this to fix it?". Eventually, my logic (and friend's advice) kicks in and I know what I'm doing is wrong, and that if any of it meant anything at all, it would have been worked out by now. A couple years ago it went on for months, and I put a stop to it. This past summer, she pops up again in my life, reels me in for a few months while I drop everything in life, and now I'm here.
Author sigurpol Posted April 10, 2012 Author Posted April 10, 2012 She kicked me out of her life, refused to speak to me from then on, and is moving to Japan in a few months. Ah. Well... that'll do it.
coffee.girl Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 Meaning, is there someone of your dating past that you always (or used to always) fall for? Yes. How did you eventually shake this person and move on? I moved cities. Seriously though, over time (years), the feelings have faded and I no longer see him as someone I want to pursue a relationship with. Having stayed friends on and off for a number of years, I've been able to see him as a whole person, with his faults and flaws included, and I no longer put him on a pedestal as I once did. That being said, last time we saw each other we almost ended up sleeping together, but I bailed (it was just the wrong time/situation for a number of reasons).... If the situation ever arose again, however....
Author sigurpol Posted April 10, 2012 Author Posted April 10, 2012 Yes. I moved cities. Seriously though, over time (years), the feelings have faded and I no longer see him as someone I want to pursue a relationship with. Having stayed friends on and off for a number of years, I've been able to see him as a whole person, with his faults and flaws included, and I no longer put him on a pedestal as I once did. That being said, last time we saw each other we almost ended up sleeping together, but I bailed (it was just the wrong time/situation for a number of reasons).... If the situation ever arose again, however.... OooOooooOOo! Kidding, though. Did you move cities because of him? Or, perhaps a combination of work, preference, and him? This has crossed my mind as well (I've wanted to move to another city, for different reasons that didn't concern her), and the thought of it kind of relaxes me, haha.
wwwjd Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 That's really interesting, but forgive me as I'm a little confused. Was it you who discovered that YOU had the issues, or her? Just the way I read it, I wasn't sure. Sorry to pry further on something you hold close. I see I didn't make that clear. Yes, it was her from abusive past. I accepted all that ok, but didn't know our love high was not really real. SO per your thread, she had the deepest hook, even though now I know it was a just a dreamworld. Kinda like Inception, come to think of it. And I GOTTA live in the reality of letting it go and moving on.
Kamille Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 Yes. I was never able to resist my ex. We now fortunately live in two separate cities and I keep contact to a minimum. It helps that, in the end, I felt he betrayed us. I could never trust him again.
reallyhotguy Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 (edited) Yep, first real crush. That went on in some capacity for 8 years or so. There's a lot of reasons why, and I think the history amplifies the attraction. I think part of it is a lack of impulse control, especially when you're younger. Nothing substantial happens because it's all impulse. Couple that with deeply carved early memories and you have dangerous access to powerful emotion. I don't speak to her now, but I still think about her sometimes, to this day. It's one of those things -- the neurons have been forged already, so the best thing you can do is make a conscious effort to stay away. Edited April 10, 2012 by reallyhotguy
Author sigurpol Posted April 10, 2012 Author Posted April 10, 2012 Yep, first real crush. That went on in some capacity for 8 years or so. There's a lot of reasons why, and I think the history amplifies the attraction. I think part of it is a lack of impulse control, especially when you're younger. Nothing substantial happens because it's all impulse. Couple that with deeply carved early memories and you have dangerous access to powerful emotion. I don't speak to her now, but I still think about her sometimes, to this day. It's one of those things -- the neurons have been forged already, so the best thing you can do is make a conscious effort to stay away. That makes a lot of sense. The last part you wrote is something that I think about a lot, and it kind of scares me. Not in a crippling sense, but it bothers me; the idea that my feelings have forged for this person and will probably stay that way no matter what happens. Like, this person who hooks me in treats me like dirt. We'll make plans for a date/dinner, I drive into town to meet her... nothing. Stood up. All the while I see she's checking into other areas around town with random people. If it were ANYONE else, I wouldn't even have to think about it, I'd move on. With this one... hahaha. I don't know. It blows my mind.
gaius Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 (edited) I had one girl like that. When I could get her full attention she was really amazing but after a while I started having trouble getting her full attention. Another guy had entered the picture! The really annoying thing about him was that he was less attractive, poorer and less interesting than I was. The main difference was he treated her poorly and didn't give a **** if she came or went while I wanted her attention. I would call her up or text and I could always tell when she was talking to him, it was almost like talking to a customer service rep who's on the other line with someone else. Always distracted, all I got was leftover attention when there was a break between them. I'd cut it off with her and then after a while I always got an apology message telling me he had done something awful and she wasn't talking to him anymore. I took her back a couple times but he always came back into the picture shortly after I did and it started all over again. I think he got off on messing things up between me and her rather than the girl herself. After the third time I was totally done. Haven't spoken with her since. I've gotten a few feeler messages but the rage from being ignored for such a loser multiple times has just turned me off to her completely. It's almost like finding out she used to work down in Mexico at the donkey shows, totally disgusting. Hopefully you will get to that point too. Edited April 11, 2012 by gaius
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