KK'sLove Posted June 17, 2004 Posted June 17, 2004 Hi All, I have simple questions...do you have to play hard to get to keep a guy? I had 2 men who seemed to really be into me but when I start making attempts they ran, why? 1st guy, went out for a couple of weeks, still talk here and there and I always ask him to hang out, he says he has plans. Showed up a couple of weeks ago at the bar I hang out at and told me that he was there to see me. I played it okay and then the next week, I called him to hang out, he said he didn't know. Called me on my birthday (6/4) but didn't hang out. Last week I called a few times and he called me on Thursday, I called again on Saturday and asked him to hang out, he said he was going away. Oh by the way, not once in 2 months have I caught him in a lie so I think he's telling me the truth. On Sunday, I heard of a great concert in town and called to see if he wanted to go with a group of us, didn't answer so I left a message...and he never called back. Why? 2nd guy was so into me it drove me nuts and scared me. Said he felt alive with me and wanted a serious relationship. I Told him I was not ready for a relationship right now (really I wanted the relationship with the 1st guy) so he got back together with his ex. They broke up 1 1/2 weeks later because he couldn't stand being with her, and I called him. The crazy ex said she was pregnant 2 Sundays ago. He came over last Sunday morning and Sunday night. He told me that he really really liked me but didn't want to get too attached because he didn't know what he was going to do about her being pregnant and that they were going to the doctors on Tuesday to confirm it. I called him on Monday, he didn't answer, left him a message saying that I care for him (I would be in a relationship with him now because I didn't realize how much I missed him not being in my life) and wanted to make sure that he was okay. Called him on Tuesday night, he said she lied and wasn't pregnant and that he was at work and would call me later. He didn't. I called again tonight and he didn't answer, so I left a message saying I would like to hang out and I haven't heard anything back from him. By the way, he works 3 jobs but he still normally answers the phone unless he's pulling someone over (he's a cop). Why the cold shoulder? I feel like they are interested in me until they get me interested in them and when I call or try to make plans then they run. I don't call everyday and if I do call normally it's only once in that day. What's a girl to do? Please give me advice, I don't want to play games but I also don't want this to keep happening. Thanks for your help!!!
faux Posted June 17, 2004 Posted June 17, 2004 You don't have to play any games to get or keep anyone. Be yourself. You'll find someone that things will work out with at some point Three jobs and the guy is a cop? Cops make really decent money, and probably wouldn't have time for three jobs. Two maybe... And his ex is being a loony? Are you sure you want to get into that situation? I'm not questioning the job thing really, as I don't know this guy. It seems far fetched to me however to be a cop and work two other jobs.
UCFKevin Posted June 17, 2004 Posted June 17, 2004 Nope. Personally, I not only hate games, but I ESPECIALLY hate when girls play hard to get. Screw that. I have better things to do with my time than try to win attention.
CurlyIam Posted June 17, 2004 Posted June 17, 2004 Calling guys is Wrong!!! even if ou've started going out with him, you should be carefull. They are strage creatures: if you don't call, they'll say you're crazy, in need of attention, probably hate you but will call and will ask you out. If you call, they get scared, suddenly need to persue other young lady ... usually don't give a sign. If these guys are your in your cercle of close friends, I'd understand your behaviour. But if not... you just made a wrong move. This isn't about "playing hard to get", it's about them. About how they work. None of them will admit it, but in the end, they all react the same way. Just play safe, flirt a lot, show that you're available but let Them pursue you. Want to see the typical way of thinking of a man? Read amerikajin posts! There are lots of things a girl can learn from them!
UCFKevin Posted June 17, 2004 Posted June 17, 2004 They are strage creatures: if you don't call, they'll say you're crazy, in need of attention, probably hate you but will call and will ask you out. If you call, they get scared, suddenly need to persue other young lady ... usually don't give a sign. That's potentially the worst generalization I've ever read.
CurlyIam Posted June 17, 2004 Posted June 17, 2004 Thanks! Acting upon it never left me dateless, I tell you that!
dyermaker Posted June 17, 2004 Posted June 17, 2004 They are strage creatures: if you don't call, they'll say you're crazy, in need of attention, probably hate you but will call and will ask you out Why on Earth would we call someone if they were crazy attention whores that we hated? Not all of us have free night and weekend minutes.
CurlyIam Posted June 17, 2004 Posted June 17, 2004 You're cute! I'll say "speak for yourself, dearest"! You'd be amazed if I told you it works like a charm;)... Strategy, it's aaallllll about strategy! I mean you're a guy, what do I expect, a confession ?
dyermaker Posted June 17, 2004 Posted June 17, 2004 Originally posted by CurlyIam I mean you're a guy, what do I expect, a confession ? This is an anonymous forum, I've never met any of you, and if I have, or if I ever do, I'll have no way of knowing who you are. That said, what's my (and any other guy's) motivation to lie? Anyway, as far as it being about strategy and game-playing--I think you get what you put into it. If you're playing games, you're going to find someone who enjoys playing along with you. If you be yourself, you might have to look a bit harder, but the reward is finding someone who likes you for who you are. I think game-playing, "the rules" (and their male equivalents), cat and mouse, and other 'relationship formulas' are just dishonesty in harmless packaging. === Three jobs and the guy is a cop? Cops make really decent money, and probably wouldn't have time for three jobs. Two maybe... And his ex is being a loony? Are you sure you want to get into that situation? I'm not questioning the job thing really, as I don't know this guy. It seems far fetched to me however to be a cop and work two other jobs. I'm not challenging your advice, but my uncle, when he was in law enforcement, worked three jobs--the time thing depends on what kind of officer you are, and when your hours are, and the pay varies as well. I'm just saying it's not neccesarily a lie.
clia Posted June 17, 2004 Posted June 17, 2004 I feel like they are interested in me until they get me interested in them and when I call or try to make plans then they run. I don't call everyday and if I do call normally it's only once in that day. No offense, but you seem to call an awful lot, especially when things are still getting off the ground. 1st guy, went out for a couple of weeks, still talk here and there and I always ask him to hang out, he says he has plans. Did he ask you out first? Why did you "stop" seeing each other? How often did you see each other during those two weeks? Last week I called a few times and he called me on Thursday, I called again on Saturday and asked him to hang out, he said he was going away. On Sunday, I heard of a great concert in town and called to see if he wanted to go with a group of us, didn't answer so I left a message...and he never called back. Why? In the past week, you have called this guy FIVE times. That's excessive for someone who is not your boyfriend, IMO. You haven't even given him a chance to ask you out or call you back. As for Guy #2... He told me that he really really liked me but didn't want to get too attached because he didn't know what he was going to do about her being pregnant and that they were going to the doctors on Tuesday to confirm it. Okay, so he really liked you at one point in time--great. However, he's got other things that are obviously at the forefront of his mind right now. He told you that very clearly. Yet... I called him on Monday, he didn't answer, ... Called him on Tuesday night, he said she lied and wasn't pregnant and that he was at work and would call me later. He didn't. I called again tonight and he didn't answer, so I left a message saying I would like to hang out and I haven't heard anything back from him. Again, you called him three times in three days. That is excessive. He isn't your boyfriend and he is trying to deal with his ex right now. Give the guy some space! Give him a chance to call you back for God's sakes! There is a distinct difference between "playing hard to get" and "showing interest without making a nuisance of yourself." IMO, with both of these guys you crossed the line and made a nuisance of yourself. Showing interest does not mean you have to call every day. It does not mean you have to ask them out all the time. I think you need to chill out a little bit and figure out why you are calling them so much--don't you have anything better to do?
CurlyIam Posted June 17, 2004 Posted June 17, 2004 Ok, dyer, I'll tell what I think.I think no one is completely honest when it comes to interraction. This is what I believe. If a woman call a man whom she barely met, even if he is nice, attractive etc, what will that other man think of her? Is she doing this Every time? Is she doing it only with me? Where does the "special people" part came in? I don't believe in games because I am a ruthless flirt, heartless or "attention whore", but you are free to think whatever you like. I am doing this to protect myself. Yes. This exactly why men play the same game. Am I having fun doing it? You bet I do. But it is not for the pleasure of the game. Or it should not be. Anyway, this is my way of "being unapprochable" of testing men. I mean just think a bit from a woman's point a views: she is aproachable, she calls, she's nice... how are you to make the difference between a nice girl and an easy one? How is she gonna tell if the guy is worth the trouble since she's making it easy? Next time, dyer, don't jump to conclusion, and please, out of respect for me, don't ever use the word "whore", not even in the expression "attention whore", ok?
dyermaker Posted June 17, 2004 Posted June 17, 2004 Originally posted by CurlyIam Ok, dyer, I'll tell what I think.I think no one is completely honest when it comes to interraction. This is what I believe. I think it's sad that you feel that way, and I definitely disagree. Why would you waste your time with dishonesty? I think we're better off alone. Next time, dyer, don't jump to conclusion, and please, out of respect for me, don't ever use the word "whore", not even in the expression "attention whore", ok? I never jumped to conclusions about you--I was never talking about you specifically.
CurlyIam Posted June 17, 2004 Posted June 17, 2004 Be a man and accept the consequences of your own statements! As of the "sad part" I'll accept from you only after you've been seriously dating! And I have the dignity to say "no disrespect meant"!
dyermaker Posted June 17, 2004 Posted June 17, 2004 Originally posted by CurlyIam Be a man and accept the consequences of your own statements! What? I'm not going to have you twist my words around to the point where I'm apologizing for things I never said. I don't know you, and I didn't call you a whore. It's unfortunate if you're offended, but I'm certainly not losing any sleep over it. As of the "sad part" I'll accept from you only after you've been seriously dating! And I have the dignity to say "no disrespect meant"! Your acceptance is irrelevant. I'm more interested in why anyone (not you specificaly) would be interested in a relationship where one is not fully honest with somebody. Why would one waste one's time? These are the kinds of people who, I guess, find playing games fun. Bottom line, it's dishonest, and I guess one wouldn't expect honesty until they've experienced it.
CurlyIam Posted June 17, 2004 Posted June 17, 2004 Dyer, that's the main point. No one IS completely honest!!!! What exactly don't you understant here? Women calling men on a frequent basi men thinking 'easy lay'. No challenge. Honesty in the beginning of a relationship... please! I don't mean people are mean intentionally, but there are ignorantes around here. In a couple, this things are gently discovered, about the other person, who he/she is like. One must desirve this. Treat is carefully, with delicacy. You'll be amazed at how many men abuse honesty and trust. Main point: watch out for your back, man or women! Always! Beside the erotic part of it, that's what playing games is. Not necessarily a "back and forth" in order to tempt, increase desire, drive wild the other person, but a "back and forth" as in staying or leaving the relationship (the man/woman)! Curly P.S. I'm not even gonna start with the pseudo intellectual arguments you gave me. Wanna hide behind words? At least learn to do it properly! And for God's sake, stop giving your oppinion in a matter that you have NOT experienced. You don't know, not because you're not "theroetically" right, but because you have not lived it! You are plain ridiculous here, dyer!
clia Posted June 17, 2004 Posted June 17, 2004 The problem is that a person indicating interest in you does not mean you have carte blanche to call that person all the time. I don't see how it is dishonest when you have just met someone or are just starting out a relationship to exercise a bit of restraint and not shower the person with phone call after phone call. The truth is, that kind of behavior early on scares off a lot of people, both men and women. Call if game playing or dishonesty if you want, but I don't agree that it is--it's simply restraint until you get to know the person a little better. It's much better to err on the side of caution, in my experience.
CurlyIam Posted June 17, 2004 Posted June 17, 2004 Allright, I'm really sorry for my outburst here. Just me, being irrational ! Every one is intittled to an opinion, this is a public site, so sorry! Curly P.S. when I'm angry I make lots of spelling mistakes too... I know not only then, but at least that's when I realize it!
dyermaker Posted June 17, 2004 Posted June 17, 2004 Originally posted by CurlyIam And for God's sake, stop giving your oppinion in a matter that you have NOT experienced. You don't know, not because you're not "theroetically" right, but because you have not lived it! You are plain ridiculous here, dyer! I don't think it's an issue of right and wrong. Different strokes, I guess--I just don't understand the motivation. I have someone whom I'm completely honest with. It's more rewarding than if I were to be dishonest. That's all the empiricism I need.
Annoyed Posted June 17, 2004 Posted June 17, 2004 Do the two of you have anything better to do than argue? Or is it flirting? I can't tell.
KK'sLove Posted June 17, 2004 Posted June 17, 2004 Thanks for the responses! I didn't think this was going to turn into such a heated debate. Let me clear a few things up.... As for anyone who question the 3 jobs of the 2nd guy. I know this to be true. He is a cop, I've seen him in full uniform and can confirm that he is telling the truth. He has 3 jobs because he just started not too long ago. He works for the local authorities here, prison, court, etc. while he has 2 offers on the table to become a patrolman for 2 neighboring towns. He also owns part of a retail store. And does Security jobs for a local company so yes, he does have 3 jobs. Clia, I very much appreciate your response and I would like to comment on a few things about it. As for the first guy, when we started to date which was 2 1/2 months ago, he did call me everyday and he made plans to see me every 2 or 3 days. This went on for 3 weeks, then one night he thought I said I loved him...I swear I didn't, I didn't even have those feelings for him it was way too soon. Anyways, we talked about it and he said he just didn't know what to do because he wasn't ready for a relationship (just got out of a bad one in March) and no matter how I denied the "love" comment he was still scared to see me. I called him once a week just to stay in contact. Then he showed up at the bar about 5 weeks later. I called the next day and he told me that he was there to see me (he lives 2 towns away). He said he might hang out the following week on my birthday (Friday) and he called but didn't come out. Tuesday I called, no answer, left a message. Wednesday, I ran into him, we talked for 45 minutes and I had to get going but I called later because my sister was yelling that I forget to tell him what happened over the weekend. Thursday he called me back and I asked about my b-day and he said his friends didn't want to go out and he didn't want to show up by himself (I have a lot of friends, mostly men, and I think it intimidated him). Okay, Saturday, I called to see if he wanted to hang out and he was going out of town and said that if I would of called earlier he wouldn't of promised to go. Then Sunday, I heard of the concert (which is tomorrow night) and called to see if he wanted to come with the group of us (I know he loves the band), left message...now it's Thursday and he still hasn't called. Yes, this was a lot of contact for one week but it just worked out that way. About guy 2, we talked on Saturday, he wanted to come over Sunday, came over twice. That night he was so stressed out about the ex and the whole pregnancy (which like I said early here she had lied). I called on Monday just to see if he was okay and wanted him to know that I was there if he needed to talk. Well, Tuesday was the appt so on my way home from work I called to see what happened and again to see if he was doing alright. We talked, and he was at work (Prison) and said that he would call me back, he didn't. Wednesday (yesterday) I called to see if he wanted to hang out (I went to the doctors and I have a golfball size lump in my thyroid and they are checking me for cancer so I was very bummed out) in fact I called again last night (2 calls but I was so depressed) and told him that I was confused about what he's doing and why when I'm finally giving him what he wanted (for me to be ready for a relationship) he's not calling me. He really came on so strong in the beginning and for weeks (we met almost 2 months ago) then you know the rest. So I'm still confused...yes, I have a life but at night (I moved in with my grandmother because she has alzheimers and needs 24 hours care and she didn't want to go to a nursing home so I take care of her) and I can't go anywhere so I get bored and call. Monday - Thursday are very lonely nights and I talk to my friends everyday but still I long for "male attraction" attention. I have had a boyfriend for the last 10 years and I miss that and I thought 1 out the 2 would of turned into that. I thought I was just convening that "yes, I'm here and I'm interested and want to see you" I didn't think I was looking desperate, both of them know that I get asked out a lot and it takes someone special to catch my eye. Can you guys share anymore advice, please! Do you think either will come around?
Fayebelle Posted June 17, 2004 Posted June 17, 2004 A bit of mystery is one thing-it's not necessarily games. You don't sit down next to strangers and tell them your life story so why would you blab all of your interests and motives to a potential date? They would never continue the relationship b/c the entire deal is out in the open- It's like walking up to someone you find attractive and saying "you look like you would make a great husband and father- why don't we have dinner? That's an extreme version of what multiple calls to a new interest conveys- I want you at any cost. Much better to go slow and test the waters back and forth until you unravel the relationship's potential. THEN you can sit down and have those once a day, heartfelt , blatently honest phone calls and conversations that are the initiation to any LONG TERM relationship. Til then just play it cool. (which is NOT synonimous for playing games.)
KK'sLove Posted June 19, 2004 Posted June 19, 2004 I agree with you totally! With guy #1 I never told him that I wanted a relationship with him. At one point (about a week after we met) he told me that he wasn't dating anyone else and that he wanted to see where things went with me before he would even think about it. About 2 weeks later we were fixing my sister and his friend up on a date and were discussing what they were doing (was it a meeting or date?) and I asked what are we doing. He said he didn't know and I said I think we are dating exclusively but that I didn't know. He said what is that? I said no commitment, not boyfriend/girlfriend, just dating but not dating anyone else at the time until we see if this will go anywhere. He said "okay" and then 2 days later we got into a fight about it because he said I wanted a relationship and he wasn't ready. I never said that, he misunderstands me a lot. We talked and he told me that I could date other people if I wanted to...this hurt...but he said that he wasn't going to date others. Well, you know the rest, but to this day, I have told him that I have dated other people, he was mad but I told him that this is what you told me to do and this is what you wanted and you're the one who won't see me. He's told me that girl's have came up to him and that he won't date them, he says they are cool but he doesn't want to date them. I don't think that he's dated anyone since me because he's always with the guys (tells me who and what they did) but I only know what he's told me, so who knows. By the way, he still hasn't called. I'm very depressed. I told guy #2 off last night, I've had it with that one. You don't try to convince me to get into a relationship with you and then when I finally let my guard down, you don't want me anymore. I know that he's went through a lot recently but I didn't cause his problems, I only tried to be there for him, and now he won't talk to me either....forget it. I was very good to him and he tells me that he really likes me but is not sure if he wants a relationship because his life is so busy right now. This is true but in the end it's nothing but an excuse! I'm blonde but I'm not stupid! Any advice on guy #1, I haven't called again since the original post, do you think he will come around? He's who I truely want to be with anyway, but I thought if I can't have him, I would at least be happy with #2...now no one. I know you think I'm a player, I'm not...I was honest with both and both played me. Any help? Please!!
Guest Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 You're cute! I'll say "speak for yourself, dearest"! You'd be amazed if I told you it works like a charm;)... Strategy, it's aaallllll about strategy! I mean you're a guy, what do I expect, a confession ? I agree if you don't call, they will respond. The guys with the negative response just hate the idea that a woman can use this technique to get them where they want them.
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