Just lost the first girl who I have ever given my heart to

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Hi everyone. I’ve been lurking on the site for the past two weeks, but it is finally time to share my story. It’s pretty much my whole relationship in a nutshell, and I just felt like sharing it so that I could clear my head a little, freshly after losing the first girl who I have actually been in love with. It’s pretty long but anyone else with a broken heart and some time on their hands is more than welcomed to read it.

 

I met my now ex-girlfriend at my 19th birthday party about 2 years ago through our mutual friends. Since that night we were pretty much inseparable and became an official couple about a month later. We fell in love about 3 months into the relationship and were happier than ever. I am now going on 21 next month andshe will be going on 22.

 

Our relationship started as any typical relationship, wanting to be around or in contact witheach other all of the time. The honeymoon stage went on for probably 6 months until we started feeling real comfortable with each other and became a normal functioning couple. Of course we had our ups and downs with arguments but it was never anything major and we’d always solve our problems quickly. For the most part though we were a happy couple and I tried my best to keep things interesting.

 

At probably around 7months into the relationship she was having a lot of trouble with her mom at home so my mom and I welcomed her with open arms into our house for a while. I’d help take her to work whenever she needed to go and we’d hangout whenever I didn’t have work or go to school. Her sick grandma was also in the hospital at this time and I would often take her to visit, because she sees her as more of a mother figure. (I often went out of my way to help her out to show her I cared). This went on for about 2 months and although I don’t believe young couples should be living together, it was a short stay and brought us much closer. Her and her mom soon worked things out and she was back to her house.

 

The relationship at this point seemed really healthy, we were both working, I was in school, and we kept in contact throughout the day and saw each other 2-3 times a week when we were both free. This was good for both of us as it kept us missing each other and wanting more. It never really was the type of relationship where two people need to be together at all times. Her grandma was soon out of the hospital and everything was going good for her at home. We would go out on dates or just hangout whenever we were together, and everything was awesome. We were both happy and just living normal lives.

 

Shortly into this stage she had lost her job and was staying at home every day taking care of her grandma. I was still in school and working, so she of course had much more free time then I did. We would still hang out as we would when I was normally available, but I guess now that she had a lot more time on her hands, it made it seem like I wasn’t committing enough of mine. I noticed her starting to become a little distant and quickly confronted her on the fact. She told me that she felt like things weren’t the same as they were once before and I seemed too busy for her. I think not having a job was taking a toll on her and she was really questioning her life at this point about her own self-worth. She told me that she just wanted to be alone and seemed really upset with life. Of course I tried my best to work things out and lift her spirits but she seemed pretty set on her decision.

 

We had very limited contact during this time and I experienced my first true heart break. I went through hell for a week before I decided to take her last bit of stuff to her house. I brought it over to just casually drop it off, but she insisted that I stay and talk for a little bit. Shortly after she decided that she wanted to hang out, so we went to the movies. I guess she gained feelings again in that time period and wanted to work things out when I brought her back home. She apologized for such a sudden change of mind and said that she just felt freaked out by how much things seemed different at the time. We agreed to take things slowly and re kindle our relationship. (This would lead me to false hope laterin the relationship, making it seem quite possible to get back together after abreak up).

 

She remained jobless for a while after this because she felt obligated to take care of her grandma at home, however we maintained a very good relationship and I made it clear that she was worthy to me regardless of having a job or not. She sacrificed a lot to take care or her grandma and played the role of a mom to her younger sister,and I always envied her for that. I pretty much paid for whatever we did,bought her gifts during special times, and tried my best to keep her happy knowing that her life wasn’t the greatest at this point in time. I always assured her that better days were coming and always did my best to try and bring positivity into her life. She was always appreciative of me, however she was ashamed that she could never give back much, but I assured her that having her love was all I needed. Our happiness was much more important than anything else.

 

Her grandma soon recovered from her illness and it was time that my girlfriend set out to find a new job.This didn’t happen overnight, it was actually very hard for her to find something at the time. I was always really supportive of her and ensured her that something would come her way soon. She was really discouraged at this time but about 3 months later finally found a pretty decent job not too far from her house. She’d be working 5 days a week for up 8-10 hours a day. Of course I was thrilled that she had finally started to get her life back together, and she was as well.

 

Now it has come back to both of us working and me still in school, I assumed it would be back to how it was before, which it was for the most part. We would hang out whenever we were both free and we still seemed as happy as we always were. About a month and a half into her new job she started to seem a little more distant. I’d offer to hang out on our day off, but she would say she was too tired. I was finding it really strange that I was the one who really wanted to initiate things at these times as usually she would be the one to ask. Our phone contact seemed normal, as she would still talk to me throughout the day but she just didn’t seem to be herself.

 

I confronted her after noticing these things and she assured me that I was just tripping out and that she’s been really exhausted from work and just felt like being home and relaxing. I always follow my gut and I just felt like things weren’t right. I asked her if I still made her happy and she said I did, but she didn’t know how to make herself happy. She told me that she didn’t have the kind of things I had outside the relationship to find joy from such as modifying my car, and a few other extracurricular activities I have. Basically she said that she’s not able to do the things she loves to do and that she was becoming confused. I’ve never been controlling of her so I’m not quite sure what would be stopping her from going and doing them, unless it’s because she’s that exhausted by work. Again, I tried to work things out and cheer her up but the conversation basically turned into me pushing her away for asking such a “dumb” question.

 

I then told her that I’d give her some space to figure herself out so she could clear her head without having to worry about me. We did as little as texting each other goodnight and good morning during these days so that I could let her think things out. I called her on the second day and asked how she was doing. She told me that she was doing alright and asked about me. I told her the same, and asked if the 2 days had done anything for her. ( Keep in mind that these 2 days were pretty much a heart break in themselves for me, it seemed like the relationship was going downhill and it killed me to not talk to her). At this time I had much anxiety because I was going to hear the outcome of where our relationship was headed. She told me that she feels better just being able to come home afterwork and not have to worry about dealing with anyone, also she was just really confused with life and didn’t know how to make herself happy. She almost made it seem like the relationship was now too much for her to handle with the new job. I find it really confusing because I’ve been giving it my all and I have to go to school and work. Since the time we met it seemed like she had only been improving her life positively so I didn’t quite understand this. I finally popped the question and asked her if she wanted to try and work through it. She was very hesitant and saying that she didn’t know what she wanted, but my emotions didn’t have time to be playing that game. I told her that we might as well get it over with now if she felt that going our separate ways was the better option. She was crying and emotional but finally said she thinks she might be happier if we did. I told her I love her enough to let her go and made it clear to her that I loved her more than anything. She broke down telling me she loved me so much too but she just wants time to find herself.

 

Later in the day I stopped by her house to drop off the rest of her belongings that were at my house and picked up some things I had at hers. We tearfully hugged and she gave me a kiss on the cheek before driving away and saying goodbye. From this point on I went no contact to allow myself to heal although I didn’t tell her not to contact me because I just figured she wouldn’t. (This is when I discovered love shack and started lurking and reading people’s stories so that I could learn to cope). I stayed true to no contact hoping that it’d give her time to think or me some time to heal.

 

A week later I got a call from her and of course I answered, we made small talk and she decided she wanted to take things slow again. (starting to seem like a cycle). My depression went away a little bit at this time because it felt so good to talk to her again, but it found its way to creep back. We didn’t see each other, but talked like friends for the next 3 days until I realized that my emotions were much stronger than being able to just talk like friends. I asked her if she could really see this working out, and all I got was an earful. I pissed her off for asking but honestly, I didn’t want to be strung along while she figured her **** out. I felt like if she really wanted it to work then it would’ve been working. I just let it go and apologized for upsetting her. I told her I’d beleaving her alone again. My heart breaks yet again but I somehow have hope that things may work out.

 

Today she texts me after another week has gone by just to tell me that she saw my mom driving. I waited for a while and then replied with something short. Somehow she ended up asking if she could come by and drop off some food for us that her grandma has made. At this point I hadn’t seen her in two weeks and felt like if I was going to get her back, then this was the time. The previous break up many months before ended up working out after not seeing eachother for a while, so it gave me some hope for this time. Although I wasn’t 100% sure it would work, I felt like this would be the final time for me to gain all the closure I’d ever need if she didn’t seem to want to work things out. She came over and we talked about what we had been up too during the past few weeks, basically about work and other stuff. She seemed happy to be over and I guess that made me feel good. It really seemed like things might work out. We hungout for like 45 minutes before she had to head back home and get some rest. We didn’t talk about the relationship at all because that wasn’t really the reason for meeting up in the first place. After she left my mind was going crazy again, my emotions were stirred yet another time and decided I needed to make the final decision for myself.

 

She texted me when she got home and said it was nice to see me. I decided to call her and have my question answered one last final time after being apart for two weeks and giving her a little more time to think things out. I asked her if she wanted to try and make this work again. (With no hope of getting a yes, but more so that I could finally tell myself that it was really over). She began crying and said that we both just seem like were doing well on our own so she thought it might be best to keep it at that and let things naturally bring us back together . She was crying again and telling me that she’s still there for me and I can call her whenever I need her, insisting that she loves me but she thinks were doing better now. (Maybe she is but I’m definitely not).

 

This is where I finally got the closure I needed and grew a pair of balls. I told her straight up that I can’t do the friends thing anymore. As much as I’d love to see things work their way back into place, my heart can’t take the emotional pain along the way, knowing that there’s not even a for sure chance of it. I told her that I wasn’t trying to be a dick or anything but I was going to be deleting her from Facebook and asking her not to contact me at all anymore. We were both in tears but I explained to her that this would be the only way for my heart to completely heal. I thanked her for everything we had within the past 2 years and I told her that I had learned a lot from what we had. I told her that I'd never forget her and that she’d always have a place in my heart, also although we wouldn’t be talking anytime soon that maybe we would meet up again sometime in the future when both of our lives are ready for a relationship at the same time. She told me thank you for everything while breaking down, she understood and respected my request for no contact. We exchanged our last I love you’s and goodbyes and went our separate ways for good.

 

Now that this has happened I feel like everything is for real. I actually told her not to contact me and I believe she will not. If she does, I promised myself that I will not answer because I have been through too much pain already while breaking my past little no contact periods, and they have got me nowhere.

 

I literally just lived out the past 4 paragraphs within the last 6 hours and began typing this out shortly after. Writing it seemed to calm me down a little. Although I have dated a few girls in the past I can honestly say this was my first love. She taught me how to love and I am grateful that I had the opportunity to learn from such a wonderful person. The experience was awesome and of course unforgettable, but it is now time for me to move on.

 

Perhaps our relationship had just run its course. Although her reasons don’t really add up, I believe she’s another one who wants to believe that the grass is greener on the other side. I’m not really asking anyone what wen twrong or anything but mainly just sharing with everyone my background and my first steps at official NO CONTACT. It’s just really sad to see it go to waste because I treated her well, made life exciting, helped better her life, and loved her unconditionally. I understand that we are still young and should be out living our lives to the fullest right now, but it still really hurts losing someone you’ve invested so much time in. It’s really strange trying to adapt back to the single life, not having anyone to report to. It’s weird not getting those special texts throughout the day and knowing that you are wanted by someone, but I guess it is now time for me to work on bettering myself.

 

I will be on here a lot more now so let me introduce myself, I’m Chris and I hope you guys will help me with coping and finding the path to healing that lays ahead.

Edited April 9, 2012 by CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC

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edited...........

[Mag-Lone-Freak]

harsh, well at least you didn't end things with a cruel argument. This is how I'd like to break up with my s.o. We don't have the courage to split right now. My way of coping is being on here reading other peoples experiences and seeing I'm not the only one going through what I'm going through. Thanks for sharing, I'm sure time will heal.

[Philosoraptor]

This is sad, and those are a lot of C's, but these things happen. It sounds like you are doing what you need to do, and that is to take care of yourself. For now just continue to heal and work on yourself. If things come back around then they do, if not you will at least have been healing and not waiting around for something that might not come back.

[Chi townD]

Well, I never believed that a person breaks up with someone to "find themselves". I just think that's so stupid. You want to find yourself? Look in the mirror, there you are!!

 

Sometimes, relationships run there courses. It happens. If she feels that she can be happy without you, well....you can't make her stay. Sorry and I know that doesn't make you feel any better. But, now is the time to work on yourself. If you been a lurker here for a while, then you'll know what I mean by that.

 

There is going to be a REALLY good chance she's going to reach out to you in the future. Especially since it didn't end in a blow out. You may get a text somewhere down the line in the form of " I miss you." DON'T GRAB THE BAIT!!! Post here instead. This will be the most difficult thing you have to do. Ignoring it. but, you need to.

[CaliBabe]

I'm glad you grew a pair and you are doing whats right for yourself. You are ending the cycle. Be strong and give yourself some time, if it works out it does, if not, God will bring you the one you are suppose to be with. Good luck my friend.

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Thanks for the support everyone. It's kinda hard, waking up in the morning sucks for me cause sleep is my only escape from reality. Just trying to force myself through the day with this knot in my stomach and no motivation what so ever.

[Philosoraptor]

Thanks for the support everyone. It's kinda hard, waking up in the morning sucks for me cause sleep is my only escape from reality. Just trying to force myself through the day with this knot in my stomach and no motivation what so ever.

It gets better as you learn to embrace you instead of living in the past. Just keep working on bettering yourself and you'll notice things getting easier.

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It gets better as you learn to embrace you instead of living in the past. Just keep working on bettering yourself and you'll notice things getting easier.

 

Thanks for the hope! I think this site is my only motivation at the moment because I see everyone else with similar situations still pushing through their days.

[Philosoraptor]

Thanks for the hope! I think this site is my only motivation at the moment because I see everyone else with similar situations still pushing through their days.

Then post as much as you need to. There are many people here who have healed or are in the various stages of healing.

 

Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, but don't let it ruin you. Don't let yourself stagnate in a negative emotion longer than you are comfortable doing so. Have something on hand to take your mind off of things if the feelings become too overbearing.