Crossroad2011 Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Hello, I came here because I am just lost and heartbroken and recognize that I need to reach out to others. I'm reading a variety of self help books but cannot afford to pay for therapy (even group therapy!) and do not have adequate transportation to get anywhere. I am a married mom of a 23 year old and an 18 month old. My marriage has definitely been lacking for most of the 15 years that I have been with my husband but I used to fill up all that emptiness by keeping myself ultra busy, embarking on new "projects" and just being a crazy, over motivated, go getter who never took a moment to breathe... or look at my life. Since I discovered my little surprise baby would be on her way, I have purposely slowed down and really took a look at what mattered to me in my life and focused on my family. Good idea... mostly... I really had a chance to see how fake my marriage was My husband has his own struggles and just always claimed to be a quiet guy... his definition for being emotionally unavailable... "that's just how I am." It came out within the past year that he's a victim of a domestic violence household. Both his parents were serious alcoholics, which I knew but he claimed his house was always peaceful until then... I could go on forever about the level of dysfunction in his home, his lies to me and my blind acceptance... Long story short... I'm starting to recognize and accept that the best thing for me and my children would be for us to truly separate. I thought I could try to make things work but I realized this weekend how closed up I've become and how truly damaged I am from this whole struggle with my husband. I truly don't trust him with my emotions. He is on a long journey to heal himself of the past and I recognize that he has his own problems and it is not me, but I don't think it's healthy for me to continue on with this. I apologize. I know my message is random and fragmented. I just wanted to get something out there because I feel so isolated, confused and lost.
elfman Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Hello, I am sorry to hear your story, but it seems you are on the right track to identify the problems you are having in your marriage. Sometimes one of the parties carries so much emotional baggage from past relationships/family history that it can be difficult to accept to live and tolerate their inadequacies. It seems like you tried. Have you ever been to MC? Does he attend a therapist of any sort? Sometimes it helps. If you feel you cannot continue without some hard changes, or if you feel like it is truly at an end, then I guess the best option would be to: 1) Disclose your plans to separate with your spouse, and LISTEN to their feelings and opinions on the subject. 2) Be completely honest about the situation. From the "husband" side, I can tell you that we always feel "things were not that bad" when our wife says she wants a divorce/separation. It takes most of us a little bit of time to realize our faults, but, at least in this forum, most of us would rather not give up on our marriage, and feel we can change to make everything better. It is up to you to give him a chance to change, and it is up to you to believe that he can change, or not. Hang in there, the most important thing to consider is that, for the first time, you are being honest to yourself about your situation, and that took courage... for that, you should recognize that you can handle whatever happens. Good luck and god bless you, your kids and your H. E.
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