ciara122 Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 (edited) hi all, i've been lurking a lot but never actually posted. My pc crashed 2 times so I hope this version will be still interesting I'm 31, married with no children. My husband and I met 9 years ago, it was a very passionate relationship at first. We moved in, got married, and he is a great person. We started to have fights a few years ago, and I discovered a side of him that he usually doesn't show... When we have disagreements, he could become very aggressive, call me names, push me (not too hard though), and won't listen to what I could say. However, after a few hours, he would come back and be very sorry, and we would move on. These fights could happen once in a month, or several times a week... I kept it all for myself. I read books about anger management or couple relationships, tried to keep a non-violent tone, but that didn't work. I considered moving out, but I didn't want to abandon him or hurt him, and he was very comprehensive (out of his anger burst), saying he was trying not to get too angry. but that didn't work. However we could have long periods of "no fights", and we really get along outside of this. So I guess I let things drift... I got a crush on a coworker, someone I knew from a few years ago, but I was never interested in before... Started talking, I really liked his personality and we clicked. There I started an EA. It evolved until us kissing, there I decided to go see a counselor to figure out my feelings. I finally decided to go to couple counseling with him. He refused firstly, saying I had to deal with my "own" issues. The counselor oriented us in a direction of "you must accept each other's flaws", that really didn't help. So I confessed to my husband my affair. He was devastated. However he didn't want to lose me and decided to change. This was about4 weeks from now. I told him I wasn't sure of my feelings, and I needed time. I decided in a few daysto work on our marriage because I still care for him. He did change and has not shown any signs of anger now. But I don't know if that is enough for my feelings for him. I tried to cut contact with the OM, but I realized I still want to see and talk to him. My husband found that out last week. We had a long talk, I confessed that I lied to him. I told him about what I want from a relationship (trust, be able to talk for long, and a connection, ...). So now I don't know if I want to stay with him. I do love him, but it's more like having a lot of affection, seeing him as a friend and a companion. I feel sad when I see him, because I know I have hurt him so much. The only hint I have, is that I wouldn't feel jealous if he had an affair too... and I used to be jealous before. I know that the sparks of love from the coworker won't last (but it has been 10 months now that I have these feelings). I think that we could have a great relationship on the long term. I could spend evenings just talking with him, not doing anything more. I know that I will have to quit my job if I want to restore my marriage. I tend to rationalize things a lot. I tried often to stop things with my coworker, but I always tend to come back to him (we don't work in the same building). He is really madly in love with me. I don't know where I am in my feelings, but I know i'm very attracted and I feel really good next to him (the OM). So now I've taken a few days off to think, and decided not to talk to any of them. Has anyone tried that? I feel strangely good to be alone. How could I know if I still love my husband? Edited April 9, 2012 by ciara122 damn that was long!
Owl Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 How could you do this if you still love your H? It's EASY...you're getting a lot of "tingle" from those racy-dacy "in love" feelings for OM. It's like getting a new toy, vs playing with your old toy. Same thing. Doesn't mean one toy is better than the other...you're just enjoying the "new". With all of that said, I'd tell you that you've got some serious counseling you should consider before pursuing a relationship with either man. In all honesty, none of you sound like good relationship material at the moment. Personally, I suggest that you DROP OM...cold turkey. And...start working towards divorce and moving out. Get your own stuff sorted out before you try having a relationship with anyone else. THEN see who you want to be with.
MoneyWorld Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 I'm not saying things will work out with the coworker, but you never know. My situation was quite similar. My wife's first husband was physically abusive towards her (sounds like yours isn't as bad, but I would stress that any physical abuse is very, very bad and should not be tolerated, even light pushing) as well. She started having a long term affair with her coworker (me), and after a year she left her husband / abuser, and I left my wife / abuser and the rest is history. Almost 20 years of wedded happiness for both of us. Again, I'm not saying that your situation will follow a similar course, but the important thing is that you get away from the abuse, no matter how you do it. If you can get away on inner strength alone, do it. If you can get away with the help of counseling, do it. And the majority will disagree with me here, but if you can get away with the help of an affair partner, do it. The most important thing is getting away from a spouse who is physically abusive to you, regardless of how you do it (short of killing them). At the end of the day things may not work out with the coworker - I'd even go so far as to say probably won't work out with the coworker, but that doesn't really matter at this point. If they can be the support you need to get away from your abuser, then my advice would be to do it. If things eventually work out for you and the coworker, that's just icing on the cake.
Author ciara122 Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 Thanks Owl for answering. I agree with the "get your own stuff sorted out". That's why I'm taking some time alone. I've started counseling for myself alone 3 months ago, but I don't see exactly yet where I'm going. hope it will help figuring out my feelings. 1
Author ciara122 Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 MoneyWorld, Thanks for your answer too. I believe that my husband has realized that he was being abusive (mainly verbally, the light pushing occured only a few times). I think he really is in the process of changing, and becoming a better person. It has been a month now where I have seen him reacting differently. I do still care for him. Thanks for sharing your story, I agree with what you are saying.
Owl Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 My one word of caution...if you're "taking time alone", there are two aspects of that you need to consider. If you're "taking time alone"...then MAKE IT AND KEEP IT ALONE!!!! Don't invite OM along...which is what inevitably seems to happen when the WS is "alone". Secondly...realize that your H will (maybe rightfully) that you're with OM. He's not going to accept this "alone time" gracefully at all. It will ERODE any trust in you that he might try to rebuild. It'll put him back to ground zero. Again...your H has demonstrated some abusive behavior...so I'm not telling you to stay with him and see what works out. But...OM doesn't seem like the right answer either. Your best bet is to focus on being on your own...and if that's truly your focus....good. 1
Author ciara122 Posted April 10, 2012 Author Posted April 10, 2012 yes, that was really what i was planning for. i'm currently staying at my friends' apartment while he is on holidays. i took a day off from work too. been reading a bit on marriagebuilders advice about identifying my needs, see what was lacking.. it helps. i am still unsure about leaving my H, and divorce. I think he can change and not being abusive anymore. so i'm still unsure about what to do.
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